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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Mollymoostoo · 23/01/2022 09:09

Me and my DH got married in Scotland just before Christmas. Some siblings did not bring their children, their call. Some friends could mot attend, again their call. We had to accept that some people can't afford it and it was a juggle before Christmas. Only 1 of DH's siblings were horrible but everyone else had a great time.

Toocooltoboogie · 23/01/2022 09:10

I initially thought yanbu untill I read your update saying if he has time off he shoukd be helping you with the kids. It's his brothers wedding - a one off. He should go if possible and you'll just have to suck it up. Pretty unreasonable of you to start being awkward.

MizzFizz · 23/01/2022 09:11

YANBU not to attend. An invitation is not a summons.

YABU for criticising their plans so much and making it all about you. It's their wedding and they can plan it wherever and whenever they want. Perhaps it's because you feel guilty declining?

NinaDefoe · 23/01/2022 09:14

It’s annoying isn’t it?
DH and I would have had to take unpaid leave for 2 days each, pay for hotel, petrol for 500 miles there and back, wedding gift to attend my cousin’s wedding at their weekday wedding hundreds of miles away.
More than we spend on a family rental in the summer if you include loss of earnings.
We didn’t go.

RoseSays · 23/01/2022 09:15

Suddenly I've realised there might be a real reason you don't want dh to go - will he get wreaked and he's a recovering alcoholic? Or will he likely cheat on you if he's away from you for a couple of nights?
If that's the case either LTB or ask your BIL if you can bring your children as they are closely related and you should all go.
You can make up the time at work/use holiday and whack the hotel/petrol on a 0% credit card.

twominutesmore · 23/01/2022 09:17

@GooseberryBush12

I didn’t want to post all the details in case I’m outing myself but it’s not his brother, it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to. A lot of posters are saying it’s a weekend away for DH get over myself, it’s not a weekend it’s a weekday at a time of year when work is mad and we re not expected to take time off unless it’s a funeral or something. I have no issue looking after my children on my own, I do it every week hence why when he’s got any free time, it’s nice to have the extra help from him
So his sister is getting married where she lives and it is midweek, either to save costs or because weekend dates are difficult to find this year due to all the weddings rescheduled during the pandemic.

I can't see what she's done wrong. If you can't afford it, let dh go by himself.

But all this banging on about work and time off and family time makes you sound ridiculous.

You won't know whether you can get time off for a sibling's wedding until you ask. If the answer is no, then the decision is made.

You can manage with the kids for a couple of extra days to accommodate this one-off and rather special event.

NinaDefoe · 23/01/2022 09:17

@MizzFizz

YANBU not to attend. An invitation is not a summons.

YABU for criticising their plans so much and making it all about you. It's their wedding and they can plan it wherever and whenever they want. Perhaps it's because you feel guilty declining?

The OP isn’t making it about them. The happy couple can plan whatever they want but need to understand that not everyone will be able to or want to attend. The OP has nothing to feel guilty about and if anyone IS making her feel guilty, they ABU.
NinaDefoe · 23/01/2022 09:19

Your DH should go on his own if he wants to OP.

Feetupteashot · 23/01/2022 09:20

They probably don't expect you to go, don't go!

twominutesmore · 23/01/2022 09:21

@NinaDefoe

It’s annoying isn’t it? DH and I would have had to take unpaid leave for 2 days each, pay for hotel, petrol for 500 miles there and back, wedding gift to attend my cousin’s wedding at their weekday wedding hundreds of miles away. More than we spend on a family rental in the summer if you include loss of earnings. We didn’t go.
I think you made the right decision.

All the people I know who had weekday weddings felt that if someone wasn't willing to take some annual leave to attend, with a years notice, then they didn't really want to pay £150pp to have them there.

To be fair, hotels, outfits and gifts are part of the cost of attending a wedding regardless of when it happens, unless you live in the same town as the couple.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/01/2022 09:25

What a weird thread. If this were about DH and his sibling’s wedding then it would have very little to do with me whether he went or not so I’m not quite sure why you would have started a thread about this unless it was to have a moan about having to stay on your own at home with the kids while he has a couple of child-free days away with his family.

I’m not some controlling spouse who dictates what their other half can or cannot do with their own family members and neither should you be. I kind of know where you’re coming from with the leave usage eating into family time as when our kids were little my DH worked away a lot so ideally his annual leave would have been best spent together as a family. But this is his sister. And it’s totally up to him whether he accepts or declines. He can go on his own if you don’t want to leave the kids with anyone else. It’s not like he’s wanting to go away on multiple stag weekends all the time and using leave and money on that leaving you home with the baby all the time. It’s his sibling’s wedding, not a randomer.

owlsanctuarydate · 23/01/2022 09:27

Really sounds like you're making it much harder than it needs to be. From what I understand, your husband hasn't even put in the leave request yet - so it may well be granted. He shouldn't be expected not to attend his own sibling's wedding just for a couple of days of 'family time'. His sibling is his family too.

Changechangychange · 23/01/2022 09:28

@pictish

A day to travel there (6 hours), a day to attend, a day to travel home. Hope that helps you to work out why three days might be required.
Assuming this wedding is an afternoon wedding:

Drive 3hrs up night before, stay in a travelodge.
Drive last 3 hrs and attend wedding.
Either a) don’t drink and head back to travelodge afterwards, with an early start to get back to work the next morning, or b) stay overnight and take the next days as leave as well, driving back the next day.

So 1-2 days of leave, depending on exactly how hard it is for OP’s DH to take time off.

ArthursSeat · 23/01/2022 09:31

"DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding"

I think YABU, this his his brothers wedding, of course he should go to the wedding.
Imagine if this was your wedding and your sibling couldn't come because their partner said it wasn't convenient for them to look after their own children.

Dutchesss · 23/01/2022 09:31

Very ironic to talk about missing family time. How would you feel if one of your children ended up missing their sibling's wedding because it 'wasn't convenient'?

EllaDuggee · 23/01/2022 09:35

YABU here, you can't expect the bride and groom to know the ins and outs of how easý it is for every single guest to get time off work. They are getting married where they live, it's their wedding , presumably the guests live all over so it will always be awkward for some more than others. I don't think you can expect a couple to organise a wedding to consider the needs of àbsolutely everyone on the guest list, no one would ever be able to get married if they did this, they'd be tying themselves in knots over it forever.
Your DH should go alone if you can't sort childcare - you say he's only allowed time off for sth like a funeral at that time of year , I expèct a siblings wedding would also be up there despite what you seem to think about its importance. If he works away in the week and the wedding is mid week it has no impact on how much help you get with childcare as you are on your own anyway. It's an important one off occassion, get over it and let him go on his own.

Tulipomania · 23/01/2022 09:36

So your SIL has chosen to get married mid-week (presumably because it's cheaper & they have a limited budget) at a venue near where she lives?

But you don't want DH to go because you want him to stay home & help with the kids?

It's pretty clear who is being inconsiderate in this scenario.

Obbydoo · 23/01/2022 09:38

@GooseberryBush12

I absolutely do want to go, we cannot afford it, we have nobody who could look after the children and can’t take time off work.

I just feel it’s becoming such a thing to have a huge, lavish wedding and it’s a bit cheeky to expect guests to be able to afford to come.

It's not cheeky at all! Get over yourself. The wedding is about them, not you.
Tulipomania · 23/01/2022 09:41

And the fact that he doesn't see the sister all that often is irrelevant. The whole point of occasions like weddings is they bring together members of the family who don't see each other often to celebrate. There will presumably be other members of DH's family there who he may not get a chance to see often as well.

merrygoround51 · 23/01/2022 09:46

OP you can’t have it everyway. Your DH should go by himself

jellybe · 23/01/2022 09:47

Unless there is a massive back story that his DB has been an abusive arse to your DH all his life then you find a way fir at least DH to go. It's his brother. Who has made his life somewhere else in the country - that isn't a crime.

Surely DH can travel up late the day before (not fun but can be done) attend wedding travel home next day. Two days off work, sorted.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 09:48

DH feels the same about the logistics and cost of going. My point of the thread was perhaps consider guests a little when planning a big wedding if you want them to be able to go. We both want to go but it’s just going to be almost impossible, we can’t afford it and I have nobody I’d leave my children with for two nights. I’m not taking them out of school to come and wait around in a travel lodge while Dh attends a wedding they’re not invited to. I’m no way stopping him from going but he feels the same

OP posts:
Partayyyyy · 23/01/2022 09:49

ask them if they can help if you can afford to go Im sure you will be surprised at how many people would help out

NinaDefoe · 23/01/2022 09:51

twominutesmore
Loss of earnings midweek (can’t take annual leave, holidays are fixed so unpaid leave only, IF agreed )- Two days x 2 people.

Petrol 500miles

Childcare costs

Hotel room 1 night

Wedding gift

Yes, they may well have paid around £300 for 2 people to attend but it would have cost us close to 1K including loss of earnings.
Too much.

Genegenieee · 23/01/2022 09:51

YABU