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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
saraclara · 23/01/2022 09:52

you can't expect the bride and groom to know the ins and outs of how easý it is for every single guest to get time off work.

Exactly. It's impossible to make a wedding date suit everyone, especially when you don't even know the ins and outs of their job.

Trolleedollee · 23/01/2022 09:52

Are you sure your kids aren’t invited as neoclassical / nephews of the bride? I’m all for child free weddings, but in my experience child free is no children of friends but always children of the siblings of the bride or groom

merrygoround51 · 23/01/2022 09:52

Well then your DH is even more unreasonable. The wedding is in the same country near where they live and it’s his sister.
To be honest I would be really really upset if my DB responded in that way. D
Surely you can put yourself out just once for your sibling.
You both sound terribly selfish

NinaDefoe · 23/01/2022 09:54

Obviously it depends how much you want to go. A weekend wedding would cost around £300 to attend. A weekday wedding around 1K including loss of earnings for us - two people x 2 days.

AngelinaFibres · 23/01/2022 09:54

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

The second part of this is the solution. If it is his sibling then non attendance by him is poor. You will just have to manage for one weekend.
LyndaLaHughes · 23/01/2022 09:55

I've never heard of a sibling excluding their brother or sister's children from their wedding. I think that's deplorable personally. Fine to not invite other children but surely an exception can be made?
Has your DH spoken to his sister about thus? Surely you are both hurt and upset. I would I actually ask your DH to have a conversation with her about it.
But YABU to moan about the inconvenience to you if he goes alone. Having said that, I'd be devastated if any sibling of mine excluded my children like this and I think the relationship wouldn't recover.

mummytotwoboys0600 · 23/01/2022 09:57

@merrygoround51

Well then your DH is even more unreasonable. The wedding is in the same country near where they live and it’s his sister. To be honest I would be really really upset if my DB responded in that way. D Surely you can put yourself out just once for your sibling. You both sound terribly selfish
Tbh you have no idea what financial position the op is in. You simply cannot comment about hotel costs, travelling, loss of earnings at work. Some people literally live to the bread line and pay check to pay check. Some people cannot afford an expense of this kind no matter who the bride and groom is!
merrygoround51 · 23/01/2022 09:57

@LyndaLaHughes We had this at a family wedding and everyone got over it.

LadyWithLapdog · 23/01/2022 09:58

Your DH should go to his sister's wedding. The distance and no children rule is an inconvenience so ok for you to decline (in good time!).

merrygoround51 · 23/01/2022 09:59

@mummytotwoboys0600 If that is the OPs situation then I would speak to DS ( taking it that she or another family member can help)

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 10:00

Our children weren’t invited to his other siblings wedding either, I thought this was the norm

OP posts:
LittleKitten1 · 23/01/2022 10:01

YANBU.
If they are annoyed your not going, that's up to them.

AdultingInTheCountryside · 23/01/2022 10:02

You are deluded. It’s their wedding not yours! I have children but wouldn’t want loads at my own wedding other than my own. I’m sure if you don’t go you won’t be missed.

MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 10:02

Having said that, I'd be devastated if any sibling of mine excluded my children like this and I think the relationship wouldn't recover.

Really?? Weddings can be expensive and if there’s a lot of nieces and nephews better to have none than cherry pick. Their day, their way. If a sibling of mine excluded my children I’d understand that it couldn’t have been an easy decision to make.

Porcupineintherough · 23/01/2022 10:04

Being a wedding guest always involves expense and is rarely convenient. For a sibling most people suck it up.

A weekend would be more convenient workwise but would likely cost more, so you'd still be complaining about the expense and your list family time. So yeah, YABU.

MsMarple · 23/01/2022 10:04

‘DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.’

You are being bizarrely difficult! If you are normally with the kids on your own while he works away, what does it matter to you whether he is away for his brother’s wedding or for work? Or are you really just annoyed that he’ll be having a nice time without you?!? It’s his brother’s wedding for goodness sake - you don’t need to go, but he does!

The only difficulty should be whether he can get time off - so he should ask ASAP and find out for certain.

On another point, have you asked them specifically about bringing your kids? If they genuinely haven’t realised the difficulties of arranging childcare maybe they will be able to be flexible for their nieces/nephews?

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 10:07

It's his sisters wedding.

He could take two days off. Travel up early on the day of the wedding. Stay in a travelodge and come back next day.

Isnhe never allowed to have annual leave for something he wants to do? Sports trip etc.

BeyondMyWits · 23/01/2022 10:08

I moved 700 miles from home. Our wedding was a weekend one, during school holidays, kids all welcomed.

My sister and one brother did not come, one brother came without his family to accompany my mum.

Did not think they would be able to come, but asked them anyway. No expectations attached.

Perhaps you have been asked out of courtesy. Would gently decline out of courtesy in return.

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 10:08

He simply needs to put in the work annual leave request and say it is for his sisters wedding.

Then if he gets the time off he goes. If he doesn't he doesn't.

ImInStealthMode · 23/01/2022 10:10

I'm always a bit Hmm at these threads, and can only assume they're often written by people who have never moved away from their home-town, or mixed with people from outside it.

DP and I are getting married this year, very close to our home. We have important family guests invited from 4 different countries. Of course we realise that this may mean they can't or don't want to come, but what else were we to do?

If we got married near my family his would still have to travel, near his and my family would. In either of our home countries all our friends would have to travel.

We aren't fully furnished with the knowledge of each individual guest's financial, annual leave and prior commitments situation so we've picked a date & place that works for us and invited the people we love. If they can't make it we'll still love them.

Shiningpath · 23/01/2022 10:11

Maybe they have considered their guests and arranged the wedding at a date and location convenient for the people who are important to them. It’s not always family who come first in the pecking order (though you do seem feel it should be you personally for some reason).

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 10:17

I would say - when DH and I had our wedding ( and this was 26 years ago as near as dammit ) things did not seem so hard. We had a small budget - and admittedly our wedding was a Saturday but between us people lived at every which end of the country Did we think about how easy it was for every single person to attend - no - to be honest. With both of our parents we checked the date but it was pretty much here is the date ( with oodles of notice and they said yes ) so we went with that and friends and other family could come or not come , very much invited but just let us know if you can't come - & this was a UK wedding - not the Maldives or somewhere . Of approx 40 odd people I think one couple said they could not & it was a shame not to see them but would I have rearranged the whole thing around them - no & given I knew them I would not have expected them to expect we would have done.

I know there is a separate thing about v expensive "destination" weddings which cost a fortune for guests but a 2 day UK wedding I think is a slightly different proposition - lots of people have family who live all over the place e.g. Edinburgh , Norfolk , Cornwall , Wales , Cumbria , Aberdeen , London ( I know I am labouring the point a bit here ) - where do you get married then ? Just use a ruler and pick a middle place even if it nothing to do with where you live.? .

Not unreasonable to turn it down but a sibling's wedding is quite a thing. If DH wants to go - just let him & am sure you can do something nice to make up for those days. If he doesn't want to go then fine but let him make the choice without making the point of any time off is only your and my and our Dc's time off.

Hope it all works out well for you Flowers

CornishGem1975 · 23/01/2022 10:18

When you get married you don't EXPECT someone to come you INVITE them to come knowing that there may be a billion reasons they won't including, they just don't want to.

You also can't consider every single guests location and individual needs.

What do you expect them to do? Plan their wedding near you to make it more convenient for you to attend?

If you don't want to go, just decline politely. I never get the big fuss about this on Mumsnet. As someone else said, it's not a summons!

HarrysChild · 23/01/2022 10:19

Similar happened to us a few years ago - DH brother midweek wedding in a very rural part of west wales (we are in london), which would have required at least 3 days off. DH was a contractor i was SAHM at that time. DD16 had her GCSE exam on the day of the wedding, other DD was 4 is autistic and was a terrible traveller. DH simply couldn’t take the time off, as a contractor he wouldn’t be paid and we just couldn’t take the financial hit of the loss of wages plus cost of hotel travelling etc. We had no choice but to decline the invitation. He went NC and hasn’t spoken to us since.

MumW · 23/01/2022 10:20

If you choose a mid-week wedding, then you have to accept that not everyone can get the time off.
Sibling or not, surely "I can't get time off work" is a solid enough excuse.
Suggest you meet after the event to see their photos/videos.