Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Shade17 · 23/01/2022 08:27

Your DH can go alone and do it in one day. A long day but easily achievable.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 23/01/2022 08:27

I vote YABU as surely they have given you notice? Precisely to allow for any arrangements you need, ie time off, babysitters, travel, accommodation etc. I wonder if you did/would consider every bodies own personal circumstances when you got-get married? Where do you stop? Where do you draw the line? Who’s time do you consider more important amongst your guests? It’s an invite, not a summons. If you can’t go, don’t go, and send your apologies.

MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 08:28

….or just turn up with the children and plead ignorance, they’ll squeeze them in 😉

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 08:29

@MumWithYOPD

….or just turn up with the children and plead ignorance, they’ll squeeze them in 😉
Do not do this.
Hotcuppatea · 23/01/2022 08:29

I'm changing my vote to YABU too. You're being a dick OP. It's his sister's wedding. Of course he should go if he can.

I can't stand all this 'family time is precious' crap. He's not proposing to take up a hobby that keeps him out all weekend, every weekend. Stop guilt tripping him.

Springintolife · 23/01/2022 08:30

In this case, we would all travel up (with dc) and stay close to the wedding, dh can go on his own to the ceremony and the following day he can take care of the dc and you can take a day off. Travel back.
See it as a holiday and a weekend away as a family with the wedding bolted on.

I do wonder why wedding couples do not even seem to bother considering their guests, for sure it is going to be a small wedding by default as they have not given enough thought to the logistics and costs for their guests.

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 08:31

@GooseberryBush12

I haven’t said I don’t want him to go, my post is about the whole timing and location being really hard for us to do it. Even if he goes alone it’ll be money we can’t afford and he’s unlikely to be able to have time off work.
It seems pretty clear you’re just making excuses. As it’s not super easy and convenient for you to go you’re not bothering.

My BIL is planning a destination wedding for abroad for when I will hoedikg have a 2 month old newborn our first child and all the expense of baby equipment. It’s non negotiable to us that DH is going and if I can manage if I will too. We are already putting a bit aside every month for the wedding.

When my DBro got married I was an impoverished student. I saved as much as I could - even a fiver here and there from the day I heard he got engaged so I could afford the wedding.

You sound so selfish. Family is important too - the world doesn’t revolve around you your DH and kids. I’m sure there are loads of people they are trying to suit with wedding dates and now you’re kicking up a fuss and coming up with every excuse you can not to go.

JolieJ · 23/01/2022 08:33

My brother decided to get married with a short 6 weeks notice. I love 3000 miles away from my family. The thought of me not being there didn't even cross mine or my DHs mind. We flew over on a friday, and came back on the Monday. Couldn't go for longer due to work. And we had our 18 month old with us. It was a whirlwind but I'm glad I went. I had to miss my youngest brothers wedding last summer due to covid restrictions and I'm so gutted I couldn't go. It's his brother OP, please don't stop him from going.

ZenNudist · 23/01/2022 08:34

I vote yanbu but that's because you didn't give relevant info. Actually YABU.

Your dh sister is having a child free week day wedding near where she lives which is 5 hours from you. You have no other child care options so the solution is DH goes and you stay behind.

It's pretty essential your dh goes.

Also I don't buy "we cant afford it" . Is that in the same amount of truth as "we can't get time off work?" Which turns out to mean your work would let you but not be happy. Because even a teacher can get a day for a weekday wedding of their own sibling. And your dh isn't a teacher.

I appreciate you don't like them saving money having a weekday wedding but the idea of that is you also get just the people who care enough to come. Your dh needs to show up. It sounds like he should be able to get a lift with a family member and the cost of a cheap hotel is minimal. Everything else (gift, special clothes) is unnecessary if you genuinely can't afford it.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 23/01/2022 08:36

They ANBU to have a weekday wedding without kids.
YANBU not to go or just to send DH.

I have friends who do shift work and always have done. They had spent years taking holiday to attend other people's weekend weddings. When they got married they did it midweek because they had a lot of guests from overseas and this minimised their time off work because they could fly in one weekend and out the next & not have jet lag on the actual day.
Of course some people couldn't make it/didn't want to take 3 days annual leave. But they were ok with that.
If people care enough they will find a solution. In your case OP it's husband going alone.
Kicking off about you not being able to go isn't ok though imo.

RowanAlong · 23/01/2022 08:38

I think, it’s his sister’s wedding, it’s a one-off. If he wants to go and can get time off he should go, and then it’s done with. Yes you’ll have to pick up the slack but it’s a one-off. If he’s not that bothered, then don’t go.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/01/2022 08:38

@Ovenaffray using?

Don’t mind who does /doesn’t have kids at their wedding but point is they don’t get the pull the “you need to go to the wedding because family is important” angle. Family can’t be that in important if they exclude them.

2pinkginsplease · 23/01/2022 08:40

N0w that you've given the full story I'm changing my mind to YABU. Its his sisters iwedding . He at least has to go. He is used to working away so whats the difference to you?

I bet you'd be annoyed if siblings didnt make an effort for your big day.

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 08:40

@crikeycrumbsblimey autocorrect for some.

Adult siblings are different to children who are nieces and nephews. In my opinion 😊

godmum56 · 23/01/2022 08:42

no one NEEDS to go to anybody's wedding. Go if you want to, don't if you don't, send DH alone if you can and he wants to. Bridezillas and Groomzillas who treat their inviations like royal commands can just grow up. A simple thank you for the invitation, sorry we can't be there we wish you a wonderful day plus a gift if you feel like it is quite sufficient. Anybody who says otherwise, incluiding the family are just plain wrong.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/01/2022 08:44

Ah blooming autocorrect - had me stumped!

kingcharlesbaby · 23/01/2022 08:49

How is it outing to say that it’s his sisters wedding? Lots of people have sisters who get married!!!

Reallycantbesarsed · 23/01/2022 08:56

Just let your husband go. It’s his sibling . Using the excuse about your children and family time sounds very controlling.
I had three young children and my husband went skiing every year with his friends which always stretched over two weekends.
It really isn’t that hard l or ask a friend to come and stay if you really don’t think you can cope 😏

saraclara · 23/01/2022 09:01

If he doesn't get to see his sibling often (presumably because of the distances involved) then all the more reason for him to attend and reconnect. Not going would basically say that the sibling relational is finished. I can't see you every agreeing to go and visit them in any other circumstances.

Happymum12345 · 23/01/2022 09:03

Dh should go. It’s hard for you, but it’s just one weekend.

RoseSays · 23/01/2022 09:04

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

That's a bit mean begrudging your dh attending his Db wedding!

Very mean in fact.

burnoutbabe · 23/01/2022 09:05

If he can't afford it, can he not ask parents for help? Ie stay in a room with them maybe or at their house. Get them to pick him up from a train station with train /coach booked in advance.

Shadappayourface · 23/01/2022 09:06

YABU. Bride and groom's can't cater for every guest's personal circumstances.

anon12345678901 · 23/01/2022 09:06

He should go, it's his sisters wedding. Yes it sucks you may not be able to attend as well but that's just unfortunate. He can go, it would just mean you being with the kids alone, and as you say you do that a lot anyway when he works away. Family time is precious, and his sister is also family and its her wedding. That's quite important. It honestly comes across as if you can't go, neither can he.

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 09:09

@crikeycrumbsblimey

Ah blooming autocorrect - had me stumped!
Sorry!