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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Isaw3ships · 23/01/2022 07:57

‘ it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to’

It’s not up to you to decide how close he is or isn’t to his sister. Of course he should go. He’ll have a great time seeing family and old friends, especially after all the time we haven’t been able to see people.
He’s going, you’re not, all good.

AFS1 · 23/01/2022 07:58

@GooseberryBush12

I didn’t want to post all the details in case I’m outing myself but it’s not his brother, it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to. A lot of posters are saying it’s a weekend away for DH get over myself, it’s not a weekend it’s a weekday at a time of year when work is mad and we re not expected to take time off unless it’s a funeral or something. I have no issue looking after my children on my own, I do it every week hence why when he’s got any free time, it’s nice to have the extra help from him
If it’s a weekday then your DH wouldn’t normally be at home anyway. Let him go, if his work allows him the time off. Then he’ll be back at the weekend as he normally is.
SingaporeSlinky · 23/01/2022 07:59

This is a massive life event for his sister, it would be terrible for your DH to miss it because you didn’t want to have to look after your kids for an extra few days. Yes, family time is precious, but you have the rest of the year to have that. His sister will (hopefully) only have one wedding day. It might not be convenient, but you have to suck it up and stop making excuses.

OLP2019 · 23/01/2022 08:00

Regardless of that update you've given it's your husbands siblings wedding I think you can cope with the kids for a day or two can't you?! If not then you have bigger issues

MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 08:01

I was unable to attend my brother’s wedding due to circumstances I won’t go into here. I called him and explained and he 100% understood. If your DH has a good relationship with his brother he’ll understand. Ignore the comments on here giving you grief, I can only imagine they haven’t been in a similar situation or their family dynamic is different. It’s their wedding day, yes, and they would probably rather you were there like yourselves but sometimes things don’t go to plan.

surreygirl1987 · 23/01/2022 08:02

We are doing the same thing (but for a friend we don't see very often). Kids not invited, wedding 4 and a half hours away. We're just going up that morning, staying overnight, then driving home the next day. Getting childcare for my baby and toddler. Not ideal, but it's their wedding not mine!

Difference is I guess that the wedding I'm going to is at the weekend. I'd still do my best to attend if it wasn't though.

I think your DH definitely should go- it's his sibling, right? I really don't think not wanting to be left alone with your kids is a good justification for him to miss his siblings wedding. For yourself, I guess it's your call!

MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 08:02

*sister

TapiocaSilkpaws · 23/01/2022 08:04

@Theglums

Everyone saying family important so he should go but the grooms family aren’t important enough to be invited-his own nieces/nephews. I’m all for peoples choices of child free weddings but the family being important is a two way street
I think YABU to complain about looking after the children at home yourself. However, I also was going to point out how everyone seems to think it's so important DH attends his brothers' wedding because family is important, but clearly the bride and groom don't see it as important as they have excluded their neices and nephews.
pictish · 23/01/2022 08:07

Nieces and nephews aren’t comparable to siblings.

3luckystars · 23/01/2022 08:08

Your husband should go to his sisters wedding no matter what. Even if you annoyed about, you should support this as it is a big day for his family and he should be there.

RenGreen · 23/01/2022 08:09
  • it’s more important than a funeral
  • you initially said you/he can’t get time off work but later said you can but have to make it up
  • doesn’t matter if the wedding is huge or lavish you’re not paying for it
  • your DH must go
  • you said family time is precious, this is his sister!
  • you said he works away during the week anyway, so why is childcare an issue?
  • the bottom line is, if you can’t both go and he can go he must go.
WhatNoRaisins · 23/01/2022 08:10

No one is obliged to attend a siblings wedding in any case, when did that law get passed?

OperationRinka · 23/01/2022 08:11

It's not your call whether he's close to his sister or not. I'd be livid if DH decided that I wasn't that close to relative X and therefore it wasn't appropriate for me to inconvenience the family going to their wedding. If she lives six hours away it's hardly surprising that he doesn't see her in person very often.

Lastater · 23/01/2022 08:11

I now change my vote too. YABU. However inconvenient, it is s two days. Not worth souring family relations and also nice for DH to attend. Why don't you arrange two days off for yourself another time?

HelloDulling · 23/01/2022 08:12

You can’t resent people getting married near to their own home. That seems entirely normal to me.

However, you don’t want to go in these circumstances-work/childcare/expense-so don’t. I would not use childcare/money as your reason, just say you cannot book the time off work. That’s not negotiable.

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 08:13

And you know. I’ve had periods when I’ve been much less close to my brother.

I’m glad I never hit the nuclear button by not going to his wedding because our relationship in terms of closeness ebbs and flows and he’s been great in supporting me about something more recently.

MumWithYOPD · 23/01/2022 08:13

Are these the same mumsnetters insisting he should go that told a sister not to go to her sister’s NY wedding a week after her own?

TapiocaSilkpaws · 23/01/2022 08:14

@pictish

Nieces and nephews aren’t comparable to siblings.
But they are their blood family. I think the DH should go, fwiw, but all I agree with the PP who said the whole family thing should work both ways.
user1497787065 · 23/01/2022 08:15

As it is your DH sibling I think you should come up with ways to attend rather than listing all the reasons you think you can't.

Sounds like they have chosen a venue close to where they live. Hardly unreasonable. Unusual not to invite nieces and nephews but if they have a no children rule I can understand that. I know a per head cost for a wedding can be high.

I can't follow how one wedding requires three days off work though.

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 08:21

You can’t conceive that it might take - even within the uk - a day to get to the wedding and that be dependent on flights or ferries, and that you’d travel the day before so as not to be late, and have to travel home the day after?

TenThousandSpoons · 23/01/2022 08:21

I initially voted YANBU but have changed it to YABU. DH should go alone to his sister’s wedding. If it’s mid-week and he usually works away anyway you are not losing out on his help and it will just be a normal week for you. Yes he uses some leave and has to pay for accommodation etc but that’s to be expected for a sibling’s wedding.

saleorbouy · 23/01/2022 08:24

It's his siblings wedding and you're worried about not being inconvienienced looking after your young family, seriously!
Surely you can manage to let him not miss the one off family occasion. You must have family or friends who can help you at home while he's away.
Would you make an effort and expect DH support to go to your own families weddings, I expect so!

Lucycantdance · 23/01/2022 08:25

@RenGreen

- it’s more important than a funeral
  • you initially said you/he can’t get time off work but later said you can but have to make it up
  • doesn’t matter if the wedding is huge or lavish you’re not paying for it
  • your DH must go
  • you said family time is precious, this is his sister!
  • you said he works away during the week anyway, so why is childcare an issue?
  • the bottom line is, if you can’t both go and he can go he must go.
You summed it up for me. Would also add, why shouldn’t they have the wedding near where they live? A 5-6 hour drive is nothing in the grand scheme. It’s hardly asking you to fly overseas! YABU sorry OP
Mindymomo · 23/01/2022 08:25

When we had our children, we turned down lots of invitations because they weren’t invited. Your SIL knows you have children and a mid week wedding is going to cause problems all round. Just decline due to children not being invited, you won’t be the only one.

pictish · 23/01/2022 08:25

A day to travel there (6 hours), a day to attend, a day to travel home.
Hope that helps you to work out why three days might be required.