Declining wedding invite

[GooseberryBush12]

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

Maybe they want to keep the numbers down, so having the wedding far away means they don't offend anyone by not inviting people but naturally lots won't be able to come.

If you can't go, you can't go.

@ImInStealthMode

I'm always a bit at these threads, and can only assume they're often written by people who have never moved away from their home-town, or mixed with people from outside it.

DP and I are getting married this year, very close to our home. We have important family guests invited from 4 different countries. Of course we realise that this may mean they can't or don't want to come, but what else were we to do?

If we got married near my family his would still have to travel, near his and my family would. In either of our home countries all our friends would have to travel.

We aren't fully furnished with the knowledge of each individual guest's financial, annual leave and prior commitments situation so we've picked a date & place that works for us and invited the people we love. If they can't make it we'll still love them.

this is because you are sensible people who live in the real world

Of course they're going to get married near their home. It's where they live

@CornishGem1975 the op thinks they’re expected to go. If they’re not, it’s not a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

@LyndaLaHughes respectfully we’ll have to agree to disagree on this point. It’s their wedding and what usually makes them stressful for the bride and groom is other people wanting to impose what is convenient for them. Difficult decisions sometimes have to be made and sometimes a couple maybe don’t want children at their wedding.

So it's midweek when your DH is usually away anyways, so you'd be looking after the children on your own anyway.

I'd just send DH and carry on with my normal routine.

If DH can take the time off work, I'm sure he could speak to the bride and groom and arrangements for him to stay with someone/relative/friend could be made if cost of a hotel room would be too much for 2 nights.

I think you may be experiencing "for of missing out" as you can't attend more than anything else OP.

I understand that you're annoyed because your DH will be taking leave that he could be using for a family holiday.
But it's his sibling's wedding and he should go even it's not an ideal time.
I think you need to swallow your annoyance and encourage him to go if he wants to.

It's clear that it's not really possible for you to go so that's that. Of course if it's at all possible then your dh should go though. If he genuinely cannot get time off work then so be it but if he can it's shocking for you to expect him to prioritise family time at home over his own brothers wedding when this is is it a once off. Not like it's every weekend for the next 3 months or whatever. 2 days out of a 365 day year - you'll manage. You don't need to get involved any further, apologise for not being able to come and then let your husband communicate further and arrange the logistics for his own attendance

I agree it's a bit shit to have the inconvenience/logistical problem of attending the wedding but I presume it's local to them and so that's that.

You've already said you have no one to leave the children with, so I don't see any other solution other than your DH goes alone. He really shouldn't miss his sister's wedding because it's a bit inconvenient!

You also said that he's only allowed time off for 'funerals or something'. Well this is 'something' - it's his SISTER'S wedding!!!

Does he not get annual leave or is he only allowed to take that when he can be with you?

[quote MumWithYOPD]**@LyndaLaHughes* respectfully we’ll have to agree to disagree on this point. It’s their wedding and what usually makes them stressful for the bride and groom is other people wanting to impose what is convenient for them. Difficult decisions sometimes have to be made and sometimes* a couple maybe don’t want children at their wedding.[/quote]
I have no issue with people not wanting all children at their wedding but I think is a dangerous game to prioritise friends and colleagues over family members when they can guaranteed that many of those people will no longer be in the lives of the bride and groom a few years later whereas family always will. I can bet that everyone here had people at their wedding who are no longer in their lives. I know who I'd rather upset. I think the number of people where the number of siblings' children is huge and a real issue is tiny. Most siblings with similar age profiles will not have huge numbers of children in their families at the time of others getting married. Granted if it was a huge number, I can understand that posing a problem- but then a discussion can be had about that. But in the vast majority of cases this will be a small number. Often just a few. So to exclude in that case is not acceptable in my opinion- which I understand others may not agree with. What I object to is a blanket rule excluding children completely when many will indeed be upset by this- even if they don't voice it. I think friends and more extended family completely understand a no children rule because of the numbers and cost issue. I have no problem with that.

@ImInStealthMode and @godmum56 "this is because you are sensible people who live in the real world"

Exactly.

My sibling or however close a friend I would not expect them to arrange their day around us. I would love an invitation but if impossible for one of us to go - then I would expect them to appreciate that - DH had to take annual leave for my DB's wedding at a very inconvenient time but he did it - probably cost a fortune on 4G phone / internet calls to work ( but I do appreciate there is a difference between WFH type work & having to be at an actual workplace - before any one says ) and I stayed longer at my parents than he did - but we were invited and made the best arrangements we could - probably not perfect but all seemed happy. Had only one of us ( which in this case would have been me ) been able to turn up for valid reasons I am sure that would have been OK also.

We put off our wedding for a year because DBIL announced his date and it would have been a fortnight before when we were thinking. ( He did not do this deliberately - we had not told him when we were thinking of ) so we just left it for a while and the next year it ( our wedding) was still just as nice.

We were in a very similar situation. SIL invited me and DH, not the children, to her wedding which was 3.5hrs drive away. I had a 4 month old, 6 yo and 8yo at the time. I urged him to go alone, which he did, and it all worked out OK.

@GooseberryBush12

DH feels the same about the logistics and cost of going. My point of the thread was perhaps consider guests a little when planning a big wedding if you want them to be able to go. We both want to go but it’s just going to be almost impossible, we can’t afford it and I have nobody I’d leave my children with for two nights. I’m not taking them out of school to come and wait around in a travel lodge while Dh attends a wedding they’re not invited to. I’m no way stopping him from going but he feels the same

But you haven’t actually said why they are having a mid week wedding as I’m assuming at least one of them has a job too.

Is one of them a teacher so limited to finding a date in the 13 weeks holidays? Or many of their close friends and family.Those dates at a weekend get booked years in advance.
Do they need a quick wedding, is it a rebooked Covid wedding and they want it done, only date the vicar/registrar could do, coinciding with a rare visit from family?

It may be a inconvenience to you but there’s a reason they’ve picked their date.

Dhs brother is getting married in Australia in December or January.

He lives there with his fiancé. We don’t. But we will if we can (covid quarantine permitting) go. If we can’t all go - I believe that Aussie will soon open up to nz citizens (which DH is although we live in Uk). DH will go by himself.

@LyndaLaHughes thanks for elaborating, you make some very valid points and I suspect more people will agree with you than me. It just doesn’t bother me that much personally.
Not from you, but I feel for the OP as they’re getting a lot of grief and they were just looking for some advice and in the grand scheme of things if they missed the wedding it would be a great shame but I’d like to think the bride and groom would understand rather than fall out over it.

@GooseberryBush12 YANBU at ALL. And ignore the posters saying you should get over yourself and it's a trip away etc.. Fuck that. If I want a trip away it's gonna be where I want to go, not to someone else's choice of wedding location (or where they happen to live.)

Your DH's sister chose to move several hundred miles away from where she lived (and where most people she knows/grew up with still live,)so she's going to have to take a hit here, and accept that some people won't come.

And expecting people to come to your wedding 100s of miles away and not allowing children to come?! WTAF? What are people meant to do with their children?

If people make the choice to move away, they must accept that people are a lot less likely to go to anything like weddings or Christenings or 40th birthday parties etc... As I have said before, when you move away you do often lose the closeness with your family, and most of them will not be visiting you.

No way would I be travelling 100s of miles if my children were not invited.

Your DH's sister sounds like a spoilt, entitled brat to be honest.

It depends also where the OPs husband works and what he does. He could be HM Forces and doesn't get home much, and yes, leave can be difficult to get if there is stuff going on.

I think this wedding seems to be similar to the one described by @HarrysChild. I get why your dh didn’t go Harry. It is highly inconsiderate to book a midweek wedding and not even think of the logistics of your guests, especially closely related members. However I think it would be extreme for your dh to do the same op. His sister i potentially likely to act in the same way as she has no thought of anyone else in her plans. Possible NC for the sake of 2 days holiday seem a bit extreme.

@HelloFrostyMorning Your post really illustrates my earlier point. Quick question; if the OP's SIL hadn't moved hundreds of miles away, but was marrying someone who was from hundreds of miles away, what would the solution be then? 'I'm alright Jack' and his family & friends will all just have to travel? Or should we only marry people from the immediate area, in addition to never leaving it?

There seems to be a weird animosity on MN sometimes against people who've moved away from where they were born (often creating a better life or better opportunities for themselves along the way).

I haven't read the full thread, but do we even know if the SIL does expect OP and her DH to attend? Or has she sent them an invite because it's the right thing to do but knows it may not be possible for them?

YABU OP. Massively so. It's your DH's siblings wedding and you don't want him to go because when he's off he should be having "precious family time" with you?!

Sure it's a bit inconvenient but it's his sibling's wedding, of course he should go! You can stay at home with the children and he can go to the wedding. Problem solved.

It’s their wedding, why on earth should they consider each guests individual circumstances? It sounds like you do not really want to attend, so either send DH or both of you decline with a wedding gift and note explaining you’re unable to get time off work.

@ImInStealthMode Same answer. If you marry someone from 100s or 1000s of miles away, and have the wedding far away, then don't cry, and throw your toys and dummy out of your cot if most people don't attend your wedding.

You chose to have the wedding far away, you deal with the fact that many people won't come.

And there is NO animosity from me thank very much! I know it won't suit you to hear this, but I was the one who moved away from MY family and friends, and the town I grew up in. And I don't cry, and piss and moan because very few of them come to me. Some of my extended family have NEVER been, in over 8 years. Only our 2 adult daughters visit fairly regularly, and that is once every 2 months or so. We visit them twice as often.

Both sides of our extended family have only visited 5 to 10 times since we moved here. We visit them at least half a dozen times a year.

Like it or not, if YOU make the choice to move away, you need to accept others will not bend over backwards left right and centre to accommodate you, and run around the country (or world) coming to YOUR celebrations.

@Eightiesfan

It’s their wedding, why on earth should they consider each guests individual circumstances? It sounds like you do not really want to attend, so either send DH or both of you decline with a wedding gift and note explaining you’re unable to get time off work.

That's fine. DON'T consider everyone's individual circumstances. But then don't piss and moan and whinge when half of the guests invited don't come!

@ImInStealthMode I do agree with you with this point " if the OP's SIL hadn't moved hundreds of miles away, but was marrying someone who was from hundreds of miles away, what would the solution be then? 'I'm alright Jack' and his family & friends will all just have to travel? Or should we only marry people from the immediate area, in addition to never leaving it?

My now Dh and I live 100s of miles from both our parents, in different directions ( well his sadly deceased but it was relevant at the time ) Where were we supposed to get married ? We got married where we lived. Everyone important was invited. as I think I said above (small wedding ) but with lots of notice all but 2 people could make it - which was lovely )

@LyndaLaHughes

I've never heard of a sibling excluding their brother or sister's children from their wedding. I think that's deplorable personally. Fine to not invite other children but surely an exception can be made? Has your DH spoken to his sister about thus? Surely you are both hurt and upset. I would I actually ask your DH to have a conversation with her about it. But YABU to moan about the inconvenience to you if he goes alone. Having said that, I'd be devastated if any sibling of mine excluded my children like this and I think the relationship wouldn't recover.

I agree with you. But then someone who is obnoxious and self centred enough to expect everyone to flock 100s of miles to their wedding, and spend 100s of £££ on hotels and travelling expenses, would very likely also be rude and obnoxious enough to exclude nieces and nephews.

Like fuck would I be going to a siblings wedding if my daughters were excluded.