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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 10:21

@HarrysChild have you no savings or ability to save for the wedding? All of the above just sounds like excuses. I’m not surprised he went NC. I usually save up for weddings as I know in advance it’s a big expense.

CornishGem1975 · 23/01/2022 10:23

‘DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.’

I agree that this is a bit bizarre, and actually quite selfish. Does that mean your DH does not get to do anything at the weekends that don't involve you or the kids? I can't see the harm in him having one weekend to go to a siblings wedding. Pretty sure you could cope without him if you manage through the week.

thinking123 · 23/01/2022 10:24

I completely get it. My sibling lives away and wants a wedding close to them, completely reasonable, except they have decided to get married on a Wednesday as it saves them money, now of course it's a pain for all guests, we will all need at least three days off work and it will cost an absolute fortune, it's a tricky place to get to and expensive to stay

Dishwashersaurous · 23/01/2022 10:26

The more I think about this the odder the objection.

The husband works away all week and isn't around.

Therefore a midweek wedding which only the husband goes to is basically a normal week for the op.

Whereas s weekend wedding he'd be away for the week, weekend, week.

So actually a weekend wedding would be worse and a weekday wedding is much more convenient.

Op is clearly not close to the sister so they are probably assuming that only the husband will go.

inaninstant · 23/01/2022 10:26

It's a sibling.

If DHs sister were to marry where she lives (5 hour drive away), we would not both be able to go. We have two children, one with SEN and our usual childcare (DHs parents) would be at the wedding. I wouldn't leave my children with our other childcare (my DM on her own) for more than one night, they're too much at their young age with their differing needs.

BUT I would send DH on his own, in a heartbeat. Even if it meant me parenting solo over a few days where usually I'd have his help. If it was my sibling then I would also attend alone if needs be and expect DH to do the childcare so that I could, How'd you think single parents cope? I think your DH should go alone.

WouldBeGood · 23/01/2022 10:29

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all @GooseberryBush12.

I agree about destination weddings, it’s lovely but you can’t expect everyone to be able to come, no matter how much they’d like to.

I’d just send the RSVP saying thank you, you’re unable to attend, and send a nice gift.

merrygoround51 · 23/01/2022 10:29

@HarrysChild I am sorry that happened. In retrospect do you think your DH should have gone alone ?

newnamenewyear · 23/01/2022 10:30

YANBU, if people have a weekday wedding, surely they need to accept not everyone will come?

My cousin had a weekday wedding with 3 weeks notice for guests! I could only take a day off, and they live miles away, so I got the train at 5:30am and had to leave the reception at 8pm, when the party was just getting started, which felt wrong!

I was lucky to be able to do that, there were certain days I just couldn't take off.

Reallycantbesarsed · 23/01/2022 10:31

@Dishwashersaurous

The more I think about this the odder the objection.

The husband works away all week and isn't around.

Therefore a midweek wedding which only the husband goes to is basically a normal week for the op.

Whereas s weekend wedding he'd be away for the week, weekend, week.

So actually a weekend wedding would be worse and a weekday wedding is much more convenient.

Op is clearly not close to the sister so they are probably assuming that only the husband will go.

Exactly what I was thinking 🤔 Wedding midweek shouldn’t make any difference to the OP !
owlsanctuarydate · 23/01/2022 10:31

@WouldBeGood

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all *@GooseberryBush12*.

I agree about destination weddings, it’s lovely but you can’t expect everyone to be able to come, no matter how much they’d like to.

I’d just send the RSVP saying thank you, you’re unable to attend, and send a nice gift.

It's not really a 'destination wedding' though, it's a wedding where the couple live. They haven't decided to get married on a beach in the Bahamas before it'll mean there are some nice pictures for Instagram, they're getting married in their home area.
HarrysChild · 23/01/2022 10:32

[quote Anotherdayanotheropinion]@HarrysChild have you no savings or ability to save for the wedding? All of the above just sounds like excuses. I’m not surprised he went NC. I usually save up for weddings as I know in advance it’s a big expense.[/quote]
This was in 2016, we are in a different position now. We couldn’t afford it, and if you think a child should miss a GCSE exam to attend a wedding then that strikes me as a little bit odd.

LyndaLaHughes · 23/01/2022 10:35

@MumWithYOPD

Having said that, I'd be devastated if any sibling of mine excluded my children like this and I think the relationship wouldn't recover.

Really?? Weddings can be expensive and if there’s a lot of nieces and nephews better to have none than cherry pick. Their day, their way. If a sibling of mine excluded my children I’d understand that it couldn’t have been an easy decision to make.

I disagree. It's about priorities and whilst some may not be upset by this- many would be. What message does it send to those children that their aunt/uncle exclude them from a special day? Yes weddings are expensive- but they don't have to be and compromises can be made.
HarrysChild · 23/01/2022 10:35

[quote merrygoround51]@HarrysChild I am sorry that happened. In retrospect do you think your DH should have gone alone ?[/quote]
No.

Scornedwoman67 · 23/01/2022 10:35

@GooseberryBush12

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go
His siblings wedding is more precious in this circumstance. YABU.
WouldBeGood · 23/01/2022 10:37

Fair enough @owlsanctuarydate, but it’s still a big trip for the op.

People are not unreasonable for having their wedding wherever they like, of course. But it’s unreasonable to expect everyone invited to be able to go, no matter how close they are.

FlasherMcGruff · 23/01/2022 10:40

Weddings turn people weird. It’s almost as if they don’t want to have friends and family gather with them to celebrate. Often there’s no thought for guests - it’s entirely about them. That’s not really how weddings work, unless you run off as a pair and grab a witness. I keep reading about weddings on week days so guests need to use their holiday allowance, expensive travel, no kids, hotel stays, requests for cash gifts, instructions about dress code…

YANBU. If you can’t make the wedding, it’s because of the thoughtless decisions of the bride and groom.

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 10:41

@HarrysChild you had plenty of options. Your DH could’ve gone on his own and you stayed home with children. You and DH go with younger child and arrange for DD to stay with a school friend. When did people become so inflexible and unwilling to put themselves out even a little.

I’m not surprise his DBro went NC. One of the most important days of his life and his own brother couldn’t be bothered inconveniencing himself to attend. Midweek weddings are a hassle especially if they’re a bit away but most people put up with the hassle to be there for their family.

HarrysChild · 23/01/2022 10:44

[quote Anotherdayanotheropinion]@HarrysChild you had plenty of options. Your DH could’ve gone on his own and you stayed home with children. You and DH go with younger child and arrange for DD to stay with a school friend. When did people become so inflexible and unwilling to put themselves out even a little.

I’m not surprise his DBro went NC. One of the most important days of his life and his own brother couldn’t be bothered inconveniencing himself to attend. Midweek weddings are a hassle especially if they’re a bit away but most people put up with the hassle to be there for their family.[/quote]
This thread isn’t about me, or a decision we made 6 years ago. I merely pointed out to the OP that the decision not to go has consequences.

Frankly, I don’t care for your judgement or your dismissal of my daughter’s SEN as an “excuse”. Take your judgy pants to someone else.

Anotherdayanotheropinion · 23/01/2022 10:46

@HarrysChild your DH could’ve gone to the wedding. He missed his own brothers wedding as he couldn’t be bothered with the inconvenience. Yes I judge that. Again not surprised he cut contact with you.

ManicPixie · 23/01/2022 10:47

YABU. It’s your husband’s sibling and you could surely manage a weekend on your own even if it’s tough.

HarrysChild · 23/01/2022 10:49

[quote Anotherdayanotheropinion]@HarrysChild your DH could’ve gone to the wedding. He missed his own brothers wedding as he couldn’t be bothered with the inconvenience. Yes I judge that. Again not surprised he cut contact with you.[/quote]
You can judge it, like I say, I don’t care. I didn’t come on here looking for approval from randoms who dismiss SEN as an excuse - I was just trying to show the OP what might happen if they don’t go.

ManicPixie · 23/01/2022 10:50

“ I've never heard of a sibling excluding their brother or sister's children from their wedding.”

It’s really not that odd, especially if there are quite a few on both sides. A blanket rule is usually easier and fairer.

CornishGem1975 · 23/01/2022 10:52

@WouldBeGood but who is saying they EXPECT everyone invited to go? Maybe they know that some people won't be able to come.

I know I didn't expect people to come just because I invited them. I knew someone people wouldn't be able to come because of distance but I invited them because it was the right thing to do, not because I expected them to move mountains to be there.

MargosKaftan · 23/01/2022 10:56

So its not a destination wedding- its a wedding near where SIL lives .

Your DH can get the time off and as he works away, you are used to him not being around midweek and dont rely on him to do any of the childcare runs.

The only downside to him going alone is you won't get those days back for family time.

I would suggest he goes alone. He drives after work on the night before. He stays over, goes to the wedding. Stays 2nd night, gets up early and drives to work so only needs to use 1.5 holiday days, not 3.

ManicPixie · 23/01/2022 10:56

@ManicPixie

YABU. It’s your husband’s sibling and you could surely manage a weekend on your own even if it’s tough.
I see this is a midweek wedding. Ok, definitely more annoying work-wise but still doable surely.

Though it sounds like you DH doesn’t want to go anyway so I guess there’s nothing to discuss.

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