Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

[Icecreamlover63]

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

Every good wish to your family for the future.

Yes, all the best for your family - if you care to update us when your DD is home and safe, in another thread, that would be nice but you absolutely don't have to!

I will do an update in two weeks time thank you especially to
ChargingBuck
ESG Dance
Billy1996
And so many others who have helped me yo help our daughter over the past two difficult weeks x

Take care of yourself and your daughter at this difficult time. Pace yourself and don’t underestimate the depths he will go to -

Good luck - I hope your DD stays safe

Whoops wrong thread!

Best of luck to you and DD.

Remember to treat yourselves with kindness. Even though it's the right thing to do, that doesn't mean it isn't painful.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4475789-Has-anyone-actually-ever-LTB-because-a-mumsnet-thread-told-them-to

You might be interested in this thread @Icecreamlover63

Hope your daughter remains resolute and you are all looking to the medium term when all of this mess will be behind her.

@ESGdance

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4475789-Has-anyone-actually-ever-LTB-because-a-mumsnet-thread-told-them-to

You might be interested in this thread @Icecreamlover63

Hope your daughter remains resolute and you are all looking to the medium term when all of this mess will be behind her.

Hi, DD is ok and living with her friend from work for the next few weeks.
She seems pretty definite about her decision and it’s a hard decision to make. I still cannot believe SIL behaved the way he did. I still can’t believe he gambled so much of their joint savings.
During this week I have spoken a lot to my boss (who herself left someone with an addiction), she thinks that the gambling isn’t just the only problem. She feels there is anger issues. My DH said SIL has no filter!
I just think the whole episode has been sad 😢 I hope he sticks to GA and I hope he can stop gambling as I’m sure some of his mood swings will stop. But it’s a lifelong addiction and I’m not sure he is , that, strong willed because he loves sport and all sports have betting connections. As for my DD she seems more relaxed and is nervous about the next steps but she said all she feels is relief 😮‍💨 She used someone’s advice and has made a list of all the lies and the amount of money he has gambled. It’s a long list! As I said earlier I will do an update in a couple of weeks time. Thank you xx

Feeling relief is a very good sign. Take care.

Ladies,
Her is the latest update and boy do I need advice and quick. DD is in work right now but will be home at about 7.

SIL has just been on the phone to DH for over an hour. He is absolutely mortified he is completely broken.
He has been put in front of his commanding officer and told him everything.
How he gambled £3500 in 2019
How he faked a break in and stole money
How he gambled £5000 approximately in 2021
How he made his wife feel so bad she filmed herself cleaning the bathroom

His commanding officer went ballistic absolutely ballistic and told him that he has been disgusting. He said he is going to move him and he can go on tour for 6 months or recruitment for 6 months or move to a station nearer to our house so he can try to repair his marriage.

My DH was calm and measured and clearly felt uncomfortable but listened because like I’ve said before he is kind. Then he stated all of the above and said this is your fault not my daughters. DH said he had bought this all by himself and maybe the should have thought about this before it got to this stage. He agreed and said he was completely to blame and he wants to put it right he said he would do absolutely anything. He cannot imagine his life without her.
I felt for him at that stage I really did. He has had such a horrible childhood pushed from pillar to post and many of you will understand this.
GAMBLING COMPLETELY CHANGED HIM!
When we first knew him he was such a sweet man, naive kind helpful and was totally devoted to our DD. He assured us he has not bet in 3 weeks and has done the MOSES scheme so he cannot enter a bookmaker within 20 miles of their house. He has put GAMSTOP on his account and cannot have a bet with any company. He cannot use his debit card in any bookmakers either.
My DH is sitting here not knowing how to feel ! I’m sitting here fed up. My DH asked him to let her talk to him one night this week. He said he would rather it not be a night in the week because they both had work the next day and he didn’t fee is was appropriate. He wanted her to talk at the weekend. Well my DH said come here then. He didn’t want to impose was SIL response!
I never swear but I’m so pissed off right now. This is not my marriage and he should be talking to my DD not us. He sounded desperate.
My DH said he would talk to our DD tonight (she is not talking to SIL ).
What do we do?

No no no! He’s trying to recruit her own parents to be his flying monkeys! He just doesn’t want to feel any consequences. If he stayed clean for a year then maybe your DD would want to reconsider but I bet if you said that to him, he’d wail that it wasn’t fair and he wants it all sorted right now.

Your dd must feel like she’s completely hemmed in! With him moving nearer and her dad as good as siding with him.

Respect her decision to block contact and follow her lead with this.

He’s doing all the tiny things but the big work is ahead of him. Once he’s done that they can have a convo but for now he has to feel the consequences of what he’s done

@Maunderingdrunkenly

No no no! He’s trying to recruit her own parents to be his flying monkeys! He just doesn’t want to feel any consequences. If he stayed clean for a year then maybe your DD would want to reconsider but I bet if you said that to him, he’d wail that it wasn’t fair and he wants it all sorted right now.

Your dd must feel like she’s completely hemmed in! With him moving nearer and her dad as good as siding with him.

Respect her decision to block contact and follow her lead with this.

Yep.

Your husband is completely wrong to be entertaining this abusive man.

He is defending his appalling behaviour AGAIN.

I'm sorry OP, but what a poor father he is.

If you don't want this to be your daughter's life on a loop, give your husband clear instructions to keep out of this.

Your daughter deserves more than this loser.

Gambling didn't make him a hasty abusive dick.

He just happens to be a nasty abusive dick that is also a gambler.

All he cares about is what HE wants.

Your poor daughter with a father who would entertain this loser after how he has behaved.

I feel very sorry for you OP, having such an idiot for a husband.

Stay strong for your daughter.
She needs one decent parent who will support her leaving this loser.

No no no no no - this is an abusive and dangerous man, why on earth are you and your husband talking to him?! You are undermining your daughter by keeping on thinking she should talk to him. When you hear on the news of women getting murdered by their ex partners, how do you think that starts out? It starts out with abusive bastards like your son in law who think their ex-partners owe them a relationship.

Suggest that he takes up his commanding officers suggestion of a six month tour as he’ll be kept occupied, have little chance to spend any £ so can save up to replenish your DDs half of everything he spent, and concentrate on his recovery.

Make clear that he is not welcome at your house whatsoever and it’s a safe space for your DD.

AND THEN GET YOUR “D”H TO BLOCK HIM! He obviously hasn’t got the right temperament to deal with your SIL’s manipulation and lies.

Your husband is throwing your daughter to the wolves.

You need to make this stop.

Her Dad needs to take a long hard look at himself to understand why he is prepared to do this to his own flesh and blood?

Is he a misogynist?

Is his “kindness” actually just serving his own self interest and easing his own discomfort.

Your DH will lose his daughter over this.

I hope your daughter will tell her Dad that is so out of order. He has betrayed her. Don’t let your DH, your SIL and the military abuse / sacrifice your daughter.

This is totally outrageous of your DH.

Why is he or anyone still entertaining this vile man?

Half of the vileness your SIL hasn’t told the commanding officer - why does your “kind” husband believe that his daughter should subjugate her mental and sexual health to this vile man?

How low can you go?

“I felt for him at that stage I really did. He has had such a horrible childhood pushed from pillar to post and many of you will understand this.
GAMBLING COMPLETELY CHANGED HIM!”

Do you feel so sorry for his toxic childhood that you are happy for your own daughter to have a horrible marriage and be pushed from pillar to post? And is this the childhood you want for your grandchildren?

No gambling didn’t change him. Who he is at his core is an emotionally violent misogynist who has systematically abused and degraded your daughter in every aspect of her life. His gambling is the least of her worries. That’s only money.

What you saw was the “fake” grooming behaviours in the early stage of the relationship.

I’m with you in this. I feel he is manipulating this situation because if he really wanted to sort this out he would just drive up anyway. This is a lad that kicked her out last week.

I think his CO is bloody sick of him and that why he is being moved! My DH is on my DD side and put the blame firmly onto SIL shoulders. He felt he had no choice but to listen. But he is confused 😕
I’m not however!
This man stole £500 of their money to give to a friend (which he used to gamble)
He faked a break in
He then used £5000 of their savings to gamble
That’s just some of it. Im appalled and disgusted by his behaviour and now SIL wants to be rational and meet my DD for a coffee! She is having her head turned one way and then the other!
Heavens above! What a day

He is an arch manipulator.

He has/had taken you all in.

Your DD has endured more than enough abuse and humiliation.

She has walked and even her departure was abusive and humiliating by him.

You have educated yourself.

Your DH is well out of order and still under the spell of someone who is wrecking your daughters life.

You need to rein your DH in.

You all need to block this toxic manipulative man. Every exposure to him or communication with him puts you all at risk of loosing your daughter back to this shit life or triggering his rage.

You all need to learn that you are not dealing with normal here where you can calmly explain her need for space.

You are dealing with a controlling, cheating, lying, thieving, abusive, emotionally violent Narc - who also happens to be a gambling addict.

He felt he had no choice but to listen. But he is confused.

Of course he has a choice.
What is he confused about?

Is he really ignorant or does he not care about his daughter - because he has the long long list of repeated vile behaviour and this is acceptable to him?

@Icecreamlover63

No doubt SiL has filled his CO's ears full of the possibility of reconciliation and made him think all that's needed is a bit of time and talking. The FIRST thing I would do if I were DD is call the CO and say that despite what SiL may have told him the marriage is absolutely and irretrievably over. That she does NOT want him being reassigned nearer to her as she fears he would pester and harass her to reconcile and that is NOT going to happen. That in fact she has told him she will not speak to him and for him to leave her alone. I'd also tell the CO that she would hold him (CO) responsible for any escalation of SiL's behaviour as a result of him being moved closer. I'd probably tell the CO, too, that I felt that a 6 mo assignment away would be the best thing for both him.

Your DH is way out of line to even approach your DD to facility SiL speaking to her. His response should be "I am on my DD's side and she doesn't want to talk to you. And frankly, neither do I".

Completely agree with Across the Pond. His CO needs to know that there is no chance of reconciliation and she doesn't want him anywhere near. She needs to do this quickly before he is posted near you. The Army can move very quickly on welfare issues.
Honestly your husband needs to block him. He was never a nice lad - just an abusive man who love bombed your daughter. Your "D"H needs to stop acting as a messenger for another bloke and think about the impact on your daughter. Otherwise your daughter will feel forced to go back to him, pushed there by her dad.
Definately do not let SIL in your house- what was he thinking about???