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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another MIL one. Help me please!

146 replies

willithappen · 22/01/2022 10:25

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/01/2022 10:28

OP,

You had better find the strength to tell her NO and tell your partner NO.

You are in for a really miserable life if you don't even get a choice who invites themselves into YOUR home.

So rude.
So unacceptable.

Do not worry about upsetting THEM.

They sure as hell don't give a damn about what you want or about upsetting you.

Flowers
wusbanker · 22/01/2022 10:29

"How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this?"

Tell him? Just say she's staying one night as arranged and he's in charge of communicating that as it's HIS mother. Also you don't have to keep letting her stay over at all, just say no.

MarshmallowSwede · 22/01/2022 10:30

Just tell her you need space and there is no reason for her to stay the entire weekend.

Tell her you need your own space and her being there is not something you feel
Comfortable with. It’s perfectly reasonable for a new mother to want space to bond with her own child, but if you don’t speak up then she will keep doing this.

Tell her not to come if you don’t want her to come, or to only stay one day if you feel
Ok with this. As you said you don’t want her there the whole weekend not letting you look after your own baby.

Also make sure you mention that all visits and overnights need to be cleared with you in advance.

Suzi888 · 22/01/2022 10:31

YANBU and still presumably healing from the birth. Unless she’s there to cook and clean, get up for night feeds (if you want that and find it helpful) then she should come to her own conclusions and not intrude!

How you approach this tactfully, I really don’t know. Your DH should approach it and tell his mum that you need some space to enjoy your new baby- congratulations by the way Flowers and good luck for today Blush

Iwonder08 · 22/01/2022 10:31

You are a new mother. Tell your partner to cancel the weekend all together as you feel you need some space. Also tell him in future all the visits with no exceptions would need to be agreed with you

SniffMyFeet · 22/01/2022 10:32

One of you need to just tell her and explain you will ask her over when it’s best for your plans , not hers and tell her that you saw it on FB too
You need to put your line in the sand now otherwise it’s gonna lead to bigger problems
Congratulations btw

mnahmnah · 22/01/2022 10:33

This needs to be nipped in the bud, before it becomes the norm. Explain how you feel to DH. Be clear it is. Or what you want and he needs to explain to MIL what works for your family.

2pinkginsplease · 22/01/2022 10:33

I would just message her and say that you’ve seen her Facebook post and you didn’t realise she was planning on staying more than the one night and it’s only convenient for her to stay one night as you have plans .

If your dh isn’t going to say anything then you need to.

Usually with me saying I’ll sort things out then dh jumps in as he knows I’m like a bull in a china shop and I’m not very tactful! 😂

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/01/2022 10:35

You need to make this less about MIL and more about your needs.

I need my space, I need to feel relaxed in my own home, I need you to make up the spare room and cook all the meals/plan the meals

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 22/01/2022 10:39

It's lovely she's so excited, but you need what you need, and right now that's things like getting into new routines with the baby, recovering yourself etc.
Congratulations.

mummypie17 · 22/01/2022 10:39

My mother-in-law was like that with my first child except that she and father-in-law practically moved in! FIL did help with cooking and cleaning but my MIL (who doesn't do housework) just wanted to hold the baby all the time. It was hard trying to get her to give him back for his feeds. This caused a lot of stress for me until my DH put in some boundaries.

Diggersaursarethebest · 22/01/2022 10:43

Have you got a sling? If you do and it’s an option (I know sometimes it’s not possible or not comfortable physically especially after a c-section), wear your baby as much as like and only pass her to MIL for cuddles when it suits YOU (going to the loo, taking a shower, drinking a hot cup of tea)

Original poster
willithappen · 22/01/2022 10:53

@Diggersaursarethebest

Have you got a sling? If you do and it’s an option (I know sometimes it’s not possible or not comfortable physically especially after a c-section), wear your baby as much as like and only pass her to MIL for cuddles when it suits YOU (going to the loo, taking a shower, drinking a hot cup of tea)
This is a good idea. I do have a sling but i did have c section and my scar is ever so slightly open so not sure it's the best to wear.

I have messaged her and gently approached but I now feel it's turned into me being the bad guy as now she's saying she won't stay at all and my partner is now pissed off I have 'caused an issue' and that his mum should be allowed to stay whenever she wants.

Her staying isn't the main issue. It's inviting herself without actually informing me and me finding out on Facebook. If I had the time to mentally prepare myself for the two nights maybe it would be better but having it thrown on you like that is just frustrating.

Partner is lovely and helps so much with our daughter but he's not understanding this and not being the most helpful here. Apparently it's the same as my mum nipping round for 30 mins here or there which I completely disagree with. 30 mins to an hour is totally different in terms of your space than a whole 48 hours living with you is. Him and his mum bicker all the time too so will have that to put up with!

OP posts:
JanuaryBluehoo · 22/01/2022 10:58

Op how did you tell her?

I would have said sorry, only just found out your due for two nights. I wasn't informed. I have plans the second night so it won't be possible for you to stay.. Look forward too seeing you on x day though x.

JanuaryBluehoo · 22/01/2022 10:59

Sling and leave as well.
Don't feel obliged at all to stay in, go out.

Leave them. To it!!

ComDummings · 22/01/2022 11:02

Your partner is part of the problem

LakieLady · 22/01/2022 11:03

Hmmm.... I might be minded to contact her now and say you didn't realise she was coming and could she stay just the one night so that you, DP and the baby can spend time alone together.

Or, when she comes, tell her you had no idea she was coming until you saw it on FB and would she mind running her plans past you first, just in case it's not convenient/you have other guests/you're too knackered for company/you're trying to establish a routine/you just want to loll around in your pyjamas cuddling your baby/any other excuse you can think of.

Unused excuses can be used when she invites herself next.

I think she's very rude though, to assume she's welcome to rock up uninvited.

Redlocks28 · 22/01/2022 11:06

You have a partner problem-this is crazy! You need to be very clear with his that this is too much.

Sunbird24 · 22/01/2022 11:06

Noooo, his mum shouldn’t be allowed to stay whenever she wants, that’s bonkers! She should be allowed to stay when BOTH of you are happy for her to, and only for as long as you’re BOTH comfortable with. You’re right in that your mum pippin for half an hour is completely different from his turning up for two whole days. This needs to be knocked on the head, you need to be able to relax in your own home.

notthatonethisone · 22/01/2022 11:07

Your partner is not lovely

You are physically recovering from an operation. You are bonding with your own child. Your needs come first.

He needs to see that. Until you do this problem will continue.

If he continues to be an arse I would up sticks and stay with my mum for a bit...

ApocalypseNowt · 22/01/2022 11:09

So she's not coming at all now? Brill. Win for you.

Don't engage with it anymore trying to apologise or smooth things over.

LakieLady · 22/01/2022 11:10

Oops, crossposted with OP's update.

Your MIL is childish as well as rude, cancelling like that is a flounce, to all intents and purposes. And your DP should understand that while he might think she should be there as and when she wants, his opinion doesn't trump your needs.

I just tell people that I don't like surprise visits and that they unsettle me, so will they please ring first if they're thinking of popping round. That way I get the chance to make excuses!

Cherriesarethebest · 22/01/2022 11:10

Just tell her,"NO"!
How rude of her to barge in like that.
Your partner is in charge of telling her.
You are in need of peace and quiet at this stage with a newborn.

billy1966 · 22/01/2022 11:11

Your partner is NOT lovely.

Lovely partners do NOT bully their new mothers and tell them they have a problem.

He is NOT a good man.

This is the beginning of you seeing EXACTLY who he is.

Be careful.

Perhaps you should go and stay with your mother for a bit and leave your awful partner and his mother to spend the weekend together.

You are being bullied, even if you can't see it or don't want to see it.

He is a bully.Flowers

mbosnz · 22/01/2022 11:11

Your partner is being deliberately obtuse. Of course there is a difference between popping in for 30 minutes, and staying overnight. There's an even bigger difference between popping over 30 minutes and staying two nights, and only finding out that this will be the case via facebook.

Being Mum of either partner does not give a person carte blanche to invite themselves to stay, and certainly not for how long.

I'd be interested in just how thrilled he'd be if he found out his MIL was coming to stay, and then found out that without notice the time staying, has been doubled.

For the sake of a happy relationship, it pays for both parties to be very well aware that neither of you have the relationship or feelings for your parents and family members that you do, and that it is an unreasonable expectation to expect them to do so, or to be required to act as you do. After all, your parents and family members don't have the same relationship and feelings for your partner either! It's a totally different relationship, and it pays to respect that, and to respect your partner's feelings and needs, because if you do, then it is far less likely that 'issues' will be created.

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