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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another MIL one. Help me please!

146 replies

willithappen · 22/01/2022 10:25

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 24/01/2022 23:01

I live in Australia and haven’t seen it, but regardless of both of their INTENTIONS, OP is recovering from major surgery. I think that wins out. They need to get their heads out of their sphincters and get with the program or ACTUALLY help. I’m not simply saying that as someone who has feelings on the subject, but also a nurse.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 25/01/2022 09:15

@Justilou1

...and who's disagreeing with you about this?

Original poster

willithappen · 25/01/2022 13:26

Another update for everyone.
MIL asked to come round last night again out of the blue. She was staying over in the same town before going home (I'm assuming she originally planned to stay at ours that night also!)
Partner let me know and I explained to him why I wasn't happy and what my issue was and he completely agreed and understood. MIL didn't come round so he must have told her.
I'm very glad and happy he's understood and is now taking my wishes into consideration and understanding my point and feeling refreshed that talking it out has worked better than I expected!

Thanks again so much to everyone who offered advice

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 25/01/2022 13:58

Winners are Grinners @willithappen!!! Good for you! (So pleased she rang and ASKED… So pleased DH grew a pair!)

Original poster

willithappen · 25/01/2022 14:36

@Justilou1 100%
So glad I set those boundaries clearly now and hopefully it sticks!

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 25/01/2022 15:25

I think it's a difficult one where one half of a couple ends their parent to stay and the other doesn't. Particularly where the other parent is local and can come round any time.

Migrainesbythedozen · 25/01/2022 21:25

@willithappen So did he apologise to you for disrespecting you these 3 weeks?

Original poster

willithappen · 26/01/2022 03:59

@Migrainesbythedozen he didn't disrespect me the three weeks, just this occasion with his MIL which he has now apologised for and realised where the issue was and he was in the wrong

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 26/01/2022 08:34

I hope this will be the end of MIL wanting to stay all the time.

She's been there every weekend since you gave birth and has made your time about her.

This is your time to heal and bond with your new baby.

She needs to stay away for a few weeks or longer

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 02:41

[quote willithappen]@Migrainesbythedozen he didn't disrespect me the three weeks, just this occasion with his MIL which he has now apologised for and realised where the issue was and he was in the wrong [/quote]
@willithappen You said he said she could come around whenever she wanted and he didn't believe he had to check with you.

You said that he got angry at you, at not her, when you put down your boundaries about the Facebook self-invite.

You also said he and her bicker a lot in front of you and he didn't think about the stress it caused you.

Read back through your posts, you said a lot, lot more than just one incident. Most of the issues seemed to be coming from him.

timeisnotaline · 27/01/2022 03:13

Re your partner, I thought he was amazing and pulled his weight? Also, she has made us food but she's left every dish and cooking utensil out and uncleaned and the kitchen not tidied up after. Usually I wouldn't mind as she cooked which is fantastic but I'd just cleaned the kitchen yesterday after weeks of a mess and I shouldn't be tidying up after my c section anyway.
I haven’t had csections but my partner would still be the one cleaning up the messy kitchen after his mother had cooked if I had a 3 week old. Why didn’t yours?

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 03:19

@timeisnotaline

Re your partner, I thought he was amazing and pulled his weight? Also, she has made us food but she's left every dish and cooking utensil out and uncleaned and the kitchen not tidied up after. Usually I wouldn't mind as she cooked which is fantastic but I'd just cleaned the kitchen yesterday after weeks of a mess and I shouldn't be tidying up after my c section anyway. I haven’t had csections but my partner would still be the one cleaning up the messy kitchen after his mother had cooked if I had a 3 week old. Why didn’t yours?

Good point! I forgot that.

@willithappen after weeks of a mess

and

and I shouldn't be tidying up after my c section anyway

So you admit your partner doesn't pull his weight? He left the kitchen in a 'mess' for weeks and you had to clean it yourself, after a c section?

Why didn't HE clean it??? Why was the kitchen a mess, in the first place, if he was 'pulling his weight'? Why didn't he do the dishes after the meal? What you're saying doesn't add up I'm afraid.

Original poster

willithappen · 27/01/2022 06:46

Come on now 😂 let's not do this and try pick my partner apart.
Those points of mine you picked out ARE one incident and if you read my update you'll see he has since realised he was wrong and taken on board how I felt and set his mum straight.
He's not perfect by any means, neither am I. He IS lovely, he is also adjusting to being a first time dad and learning and learning about my c section recovery too. He's actually taking things on board, not just being an ass and staying that way.

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 06:58

@willithappen

Come on now 😂 let's not do this and try pick my partner apart. Those points of mine you picked out ARE one incident and if you read my update you'll see he has since realised he was wrong and taken on board how I felt and set his mum straight. He's not perfect by any means, neither am I. He IS lovely, he is also adjusting to being a first time dad and learning and learning about my c section recovery too. He's actually taking things on board, not just being an ass and staying that way.

By your own admission he doesn't help you clean up and leaves you, recovering from a C-section, to do it. He is no catch.

You're in denial OP. We are neutral and see things you can't. Do yourself a favour and re-read your posts, all of them. It might be normal to you but we can see what you clearly can't and are in denial. You are excusing his laziness and you will be back on here in a year or so when he still leaves all the work to you and has backtracked and allows his mother more and more access to your house. Mark this post, you will be.

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 07:01

he is also adjusting to being a first time dad and learning and learning about my c section recovery too.

Your bar is so low. He shouldn't have to 'learn' to not leave the kitchen a mess for weeks until you do it. My husband did all the cooking and cleaning when I was recovering from my c section. He didn't have to be asked. He just....did it. Yours can't even wash the dishes, he leaves it all for you, recovering from a c-section, to do. You're in denial, your posts explain truly who he is.

billy1966 · 27/01/2022 09:29

OP,

You are getting wise, measured advice from above.

You may have too much going on at the moment to face your reality, but I have no doubt too, that it will be an issue going forward.

This is not a good kind man.

This is a lazy selfish man who does not have your best interests at heart.

No decent man would allow a woman after major abdominal surgery to be cleaning up.

Abusive men do.

Come back to this thread and read when you need to and you have the energy.

I'm glad you have stood up for yourself, I have no doubt if you stay with him there will be many more instances.

I have NEVER heard of a woman cleaning a filthy kitchen after a C-section in real life.
It would be so unbelievable.

Only on MN, on AIBU do women like this exist.

Decent men do not allow their partners to clean up after major abdominal surgery.

Try telling your health visitor what you have been forced to do.

She would flag you as in a potentially abusive relationship.

Mind yourself and stay close to your mother.

You will need her support.
Oh and lock down your contraception and keep working FT.

You are going to need financial independence with a man like him.

Original poster

willithappen · 27/01/2022 09:33

He didn't leave the kitchen dirty for weeks or refuse to do it. My MIL left it that way after I had tidied and I did that because I felt okay to do it and wanted to. Not because my partner refused to do it

I think a lot of people are focussing on some minor comments to make people into something they are not

OP posts:

Migrainesbythedozen · 27/01/2022 09:37

@willithappen

I think a lot of people are focussing on some minor comments to make people into something they are not

You are now changing the narrative because you're in denial. You said the kitchen hadn't been cleaned for weeks. Why not? Where was your partner?

Whether you 'felt okay to do it' is not the issue. The issue is that he should have done it. I think you dismissing these facts because you don't want to see the truth. You yourself are trying to make him into something he is not. He is lazy and not a good man. My husband did the washing up, vacuuming, sweeping and cook dinner while I was pregnant, even when I had an ordinary vaginal birth.

That's what decent partners do.

You are so deep in denial it's sad. This is 2022, there is no reason to cling onto a worthless man.

Original poster

willithappen · 27/01/2022 09:38

I am NOT being abused. I think throwing that word around is VERY dangerous and shouldn't be done lightly.

Again - not forced to do cleaning. My partner is currently doing all this after he gets home from work, walking dogs and making supper. As well as taking over with feeds and looking after our daughter. All in the 5 hours at home he has before we go to bed for him to be up for work again.

As I said he's not perfect and the comments before were not okay, but I am not an abused woman

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/01/2022 09:45

OP,
Don't upset yourself.

Just mind yourself and your baby.

That's all that matters.

I have absolutely no wish to upset you.

I just want to remind you to mind yourself.

You know your situation.

Having a baby is such a huge change to a womans life and every woman deserves to be cared for well, particularly after a C section.

Just mind yourself.
That's all that matters here.

woodhill · 27/01/2022 18:42

@willithappen

I am NOT being abused. I think throwing that word around is VERY dangerous and shouldn't be done lightly.

As I said he's not perfect and the comments before were not okay, but I am not an abused woman

Yes, he sounds very good. My dh used to ask me what I did all day at home when I had my first dd

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