Another MIL one. Help me please!

[willithappen]

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

@JanuaryBluehoo

Granny.

Can't you see how awful it is for new mothers having to contend with utterly selfish adults when they are recovering from a major operation and dealing with becoming a new mum?

Shouldn't they be held aloft? Like goddesses.... Protected, cooked for, cleaned for... Whilst they can concentrate on looking after this new life??

If I am lucky enough to be a grandma I will ask my dc what they want. If I am able to offer help I will.
I will buy food, clean if they want me too, do a night shift if they want me too.

If we don't get on by then I will send flowers, cards and money. I won't foist myself at the door demanding things.

Again - I never said that the way that MIL is not wrong. Please read my post again

@Migrainesbythedozen, couldn't agree with you more.

They both sound like deeply unpleasant people.

Poor OP, what an awful shower they are!

I hate confrontation so much, I think I'm just being a bit of a pushover all round

And your 'dear' partner has opportunistically used that to bully you and manipulate you, and so has his nasty mother. I think if you ditched the partner you'd lose a lot of stress. He and his mother seem to cause you a lot of issues and stress.

I still can't get over that you are less than 3 weeks post MAJOR abdominal surgery, with a still open wound, and she gave you (it should be her that is offering to do all the shopping for you) a big list of things for you to carry. I mean, who does that? Was she raised in a barn? She has no sense of decency. My mouth dropped open at that. f*cken hell! I wouldn't want someone with her lack of morals and social graces or awareness around my baby at all. Who even does that??? If your partner is anything like this selfish socially unaware nasty woman, and it seems he is, your life is going to be nothing but stress and misery. I'd bail out from both of them now, but it's up to you. The baby will pick up on the stress those two are causing you. You'd be better off alone, for your physical health and mental health.

@GrannytoaUnicorn I did no such thing! Reported

Granny.

What you call op in a bedroom sulking, others call op, being forced by a disgraceful and thoughtless selfish person having to retreat.

@Migrainesbythedozen

I hate confrontation so much, I think I'm just being a bit of a pushover all round

And your 'dear' partner has opportunistically used that to bully you and manipulate you, and so has his nasty mother. I think if you ditched the partner you'd lose a lot of stress. He and his mother seem to cause you a lot of issues and stress.

Wow that escalated! So poor OP comes on here to vent and get a bit of advice about how to successfully manage her mother in law overstepping and your genuine advice is that she should get a divorce.

I’m sure she will take your advice and be forever grateful to you

My advice would be to be very firm that you expect warning of her coming, and that you learn to speak up a bit. If it gets to much go out and get your DH to deal with any problems.

Also remember you are 3 weeks into life as a new family and getting used to the new dynamic. You’ll feel very different in a year, 5 years etc.

You are still getting to know your MIL. Remember how much you were irritated by and resented your own mum when you were a teenager? That is the stage you are at now with your MIL .

I think the problem is that everyone in this situation views the other's actions as nefarious.

Ultimately, people are good and act with good intentions. It's unlikely your Mother in Law wakes up in the morning cackling and plotting to steal your baby with ever convoluted plots. Nor that your partner thinks "my saintly Mum must have her own way over my evil partner".

The desire to help comes from a good place. It's natural and heartening that your child has a grandma who wants to love them. Ultimately, your Mother in Law thinks that she is helping you.

The weeks after giving birth are tough and often distressing, especially for first time Mums and your Mother in Law knows this.

Also remember that your partner is going through this too and may appreciate the support of his mother while he also adjusts to parenthood.

Rather than accept the prescribed "all Mothers In Law are evil harpies" zeitgeist, would it help to think about why she wants to visit in the first place?

As you do have someone who wants to help, can you give her something useful to do? Cooking, cleaning and shopping have been mentioned. How about washing, ironing, running errands? Rather than coming from you, can your partner communicate this to his Mum?

Yeah, so I don't be leaving partner over this 🙈 I know it's a usual response but won't be happening not over this. We'll have a good chat once MIL is away and will give me a chance to try explain and I will show him this thread too.

We've already had smashed plates, all the lights left on when not in rooms (electric costs!!) and the fuse in my house tripping all the electric and boiler off. Niiiiightmare this morning

OP,

You are at the beginning of a long hard road, that is probably going to be stressful and deeply disappointing.

You haven't chosen a kind, loving, supportive man and will likely pay deeply for this.

Do NOT show him this thread.

Let MN be YOUR safe place.

If you show him this, he will bully and mock you about it.

Keep this space private.

You are going to need it.

Confide in your mother and do NOT give up your job.

[quote Graphista]@GrannytoaUnicorn I did no such thing! Reported [/quote]
Yes you did.
Reported

Is your partner also a first time parent ? Or are you hiding the discomfort you're probably experiencing too well? You shouldn't be doing anything that doesn't make your life easier for at least 12 weeks. No wonder your wound isn't closed. A c section is major abdominal surgery. Unless your MIL is coming with the aim of looking after you I would leave her and her darling son to sort themselves out. I would also have a word with your midwife/health visitor to see if they could explain the situation to your husband

I have found @Graphista's posts over the years to be so generous, knowledgeable, supportive, and SO wise.

She takes great time to really explain points and is IMO a very wise woman.

I have learnt so much from her posts, and often re read them.....

@Graphista, thank you🙏

I hope you left the washing up for someone else to do and rested like you should be doing

It's actually good that this caused a few issues and difficult conversations, much better to nip these things in the bus before they become bigger issues

Please tell me you left the dinner mess for MIL and DP to sort last night!!!

@SleepOhHowIMissYou the road to hell is paved with good intentions

People like ops mil and my mum may THINK they're being helpful/acting from a place of good intent. Doesn't change the fact that they're upsetting/offending someone.

And I'm not certain that's completely true anyway. Certain types also CLAIM to be intending to be nice/helpful but actually what they are doing is trying to have their own needs met

Oh op you're having a hell of a day eh!

I agree with @billy1966 don't show him the thread. Take the key points that you agree with and what you want to happen in future and state those very clearly

Perhaps

1 no guests without both of you agreeing to them one doesn't "book in" someone visiting without consulting the other it's both of yours home

2 he backs you up if mil takes the huff over your stated boundaries

3 while you are resting and healing NOBODY should be expecting you to do anything but the bare minimum necessary. You're not supposed to be doing dishes, lifting/carrying heavy objects etc anyway!

4 mil must follow your (you and dp) lead on how to be around baby. None of this refusing to hand baby back, insisting on feeding baby against your wishes etc. discuss with him what the boundaries are here and then link to point 2 - and this goes beyond the baby stage! I've had a number of issues with my mum not listening/accepting things around my dd some of which were dangerous! (Food allergies - she didn't "believe" in them!) it's maddening! My dd also has a disability and at points during her childhood needed "reining in" as she isn't supposed to do or overdo certain things physically. My mum would be like "oh she'll be fine" when I knew no she wouldn't be! She'd be swollen and in great pain the following day and sometimes more than one day if she carried on. There were other things. My now ex mil and I were much more on the same page parenting style wise. Had very few times when we disagreed and even then it was mildly (main one I remember was she wasn't a fan of dummies which we used with dd)

@billy1966 oh bless you thank you what a huge compliment! I also find your comments and advice to be so on point! As a pp said you don't mince your words but sometimes that's necessary! I despair at new dads these days so many seem to be lazy, unsupportive and useless specimens! Why is that happening?!

@2DogsOnMySofa I had 2 awkward parents myself as opposed to on mn it's usually the in laws. In my case it was my ex had the nightmare in laws! And he was beyond patient! What this means for me on mn though is I know how this type think and work! Subtlety and hints don't work! You have to be blunt, simple in instructions and not succumb to the guilt trips! Generally speaking this kinda person offends others left right and centre but if you DARE to question them and it's sulking and huffs and petty insults!

Having been raised with this it's water off a ducks back most of the time but I can understand, partly from discussions with ex, whose family was VERY different (not perfect they had their own baggage) why it's so hard for people who've married (or cohabited) into such families why it's such a shock to the system!

I kinda had to teach ex how to deal with them insofar as don't be pushed around, say if you disagree etc. he'd been raised to be EXTREMELY polite and passive which was like a red rag to a bull with my lot! And I did of course so my part when I was present or if he raised an issue with me, had his back even if we disagreed as to present a united front. Cos these types see a chink in the armour and they thrust the sword in!

Cos they're my family I have no qualms about...well I'll just tell them to fuck off if they're really playing silly buggers! But certainly I've had to learn to stand my ground.

The hardest point was definitely after having dd cos mum was all "I know best" cos she's the eldest of 6 siblings over 30 cousins and has 3 dc and I was a FTM. It had been a bad pregnancy and traumatic birth so I was knocked for 6! This did make me less confident.

Mum had never had any of the stuff I'd had in pregnancy she sailed through hers and popped babies out no trouble! Mine was a high risk monitored pregnancy ending in a crash section.

Op when my dd was 3 weeks old we'd both only been out the hospital a few days! Dd had been in the scbu and I was on the gynae ward after the post birth ward as there were complications.

Nobody else knows how it's been for you and they can't tell you they do. Every birth is a unique experience and thus the immediate aftermath is too.

@tkwal first baby for both of us yes, and I also think to an extent I'm probably hiding the discomfort well and it's easy to forget what just happened (for both of us).

@Graphista your posts are lovely and thank you so much for the advice! MIL doesnt seem to understand the way I'm doing things and 'in my day we did it like this' kind of things with feeding baby 5oz sooner than she should be, sleeping on her side, etc all things I'm not doing with DD. She seems to be taking on board now that I have these boundaries but the comments are still coming in.
She left early today and went to visit one of the other granddaughters

I honestly probably wouldn't be finding all of this as bad if she had just asked if she could stay. Assuming and posting on FB just set me off into a spiral of being annoyed by everything

Currently struggling with DD struggling to poop and being upset by it so really just wanted to be helping my daughter last night, not feeling uncomfortable in my house and having to explain every little thing I'm doing or fight for things to be done how I want them

Both of our mums were nightmares, tbh… My mum pipped his at the post when DD1 was born, mine became weirdly competitive when I was trying to explain why she couldn’t come around when she wanted to, as MIL had travelled 2,250m to see her for the first time. She threw a massive tantrum on our doorstep and shouted, “I’m more her grandmother than SHE is!!!”

OP,

Please do not in any way feel bad about yourself.

You are doing just great.

I was a strong, independent woman with a great husband in my mid 30's when I had my first.

I still found it full on and completely all consuming.

The idea of having a fxckwit for a partner giving his mother carte blanch to visit
wherever she liked at this time is just unbelievable....and I had a natural birth that left me physically fine despite the shock of it all!😳

For me the birth was way easier
than the following weeks of feeding🙄

The idea of having to grapple with difficult in laws etc would have given me the full on rage.

The early weeks of getting to know your baby are not easy.

Each baby is different, so it takes time with each baby to figure out what they want.

Re the surgery...my friend who is a surgeon said a C-section is the ONLY surgery where you are supposed to just get on with it.

Completely unnatural.

It is MAJOR abdominal surgery.

Rest is CRITICAL.

There is a HUGE link between C-section and PND in my opinion.

I absolutely believe this is because so many women are NOT given the correct care, rest and nutrition whilst they recover from MAJOR surgery.

As for giving YOU a grocery list....WTF

Mind yourself OP

@Graphista that's such a tired cliché, I just knew someone would not be able to resist quoting it.

It does miss the point though. My point was about intentions. No-one here has bad intentions, even if you're right about the Mother in Law serving her own needs, and no-one can see into the woman's head so it's all conjecture and is, again, thinking the worst of people rather than assuming the best.

As the OP is just discovering, the needs of a mother centre on her children. Perhaps it does meet a need in her partner's Mother to ensure her son and his baby are okay. Again, why must this be viewed as self-serving?

Is it really better to view your partner as useless and his Mother as an interfering old bag? Yes, her "help" is not wanted by the OP but interpreting her actions as meddlesome and perhaps malicious helps nobody. It's more than likely that she acts from a good place and just wants to support first time parents with her experience. Misguided actions are not the same as bad intentions.

Op thank you for the lovely compliment too.

My mum wasn't as subtle it was more "no no no you're doing it all wrong!" 

The presumptuousness was the trigger yes but it's that mil isn't respecting your needs and how you want to raise your baby is at the heart of this

@Justilou1 that's the kinda thing mine would do!

There is a HUGE link between C-section and PND in my opinion.

Totally agree!

@SleepOhHowIMissYou "good" intentions are exactly what the proverb addresses!

Cliches come about because they're often true!

Again, why must this be viewed as self-serving?

Cos it is!

You clearly massively misunderstood my post.

I'm sure the mil even believes herself her intentions were good. Doesn't mean the actions were!

Also doesn't mean there wasn't some level of selfishness involved

Again, you miss the point @Graphista

In terms of supporting someone who has recently given birth and is recovering from a C-Section, do you really believe it's better to encourage them that their partner's Mother's actions are done to deliberately damage her and that her partner is colluding in her mistreatment?

How does that actually help?

It's far more likely that both the Mother In Law and OP's partner have only the very best intentions towards her and just want what's best for her and her baby.

Perhaps it is clumsily done but always assuming the worst case scenario and interpreting their actions as malicious is not going to solve this and can only make the situation worse.

@SleepOhHowIMissYou, I think YOU’RE deliberately missing the point. The OP has stated several times that MIL is entirely self-focussed, and her actions have shown this. The INTENTIONS of her DP/DH (or lack thereof) to a: Enforce appropriate boundaries with his own DM that suit his DW while she is recovering from CS and bonding with her baby should be a priority here. And B:) MIL’s behaviours while visiting should be also addressed by DH. She should be made to understand that leaving huge messes for OP to clean up is definitely NOT helping. Sitting around snuggling the baby expecting to be waited on is NOT helping. Sending shopping lists also NOT helping.
Announcing an impending stay is entitled and rude. Unacceptable. It states very clearly that she does not value the feelings or the time of the people she is intending to invade.

@Justilou1 no-one's saying that the Mother in Law's actions ARE helping, simply that there's no malice on her part. It's that simple.

OP would rather she didn't come. OP's partner seemingly would rather she did, and he's a new parent too (although not the one who's healing from birth).

Ultimately, both the Mother in Law and Partner are doing what they think is right so if OP is going to tell him that this isn't right for her and needs to stop, how she handles this determines the next steps.

Saying I can't cope with any visitors right now (especially ones who leave a mess and can't manage to go shopping themselves) is different to accusing a person who is trying to help of being undermining and self serving. Do you see the difference?

Have you seen the episode of Motherland when Julia's In Laws come to help? Same thing here. They mean well, but they are useless and make more work as they don't do anything that actually needs doing. Worth a watch.