Another MIL one. Help me please!

[willithappen]

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

"Partner is lovely and helps so much with our daughter"

Argh. Drives me so crazy when women talk about how much their partners 'help' with the baby. It's his baby. Are you 'helping' when you feed her too?

@ApocalypseNowt

So she's not coming at all now? Brill. Win for you.

Don't engage with it anymore trying to apologise or smooth things over.
^^
This
And my response would be
Good that's sorted then.

Don't feel guilty
She's acting like a child having a tantrum
Has she got form?
She's needs to show you some respect and grow up.
Honestly life is too short
It's your baby

Both your partner and your MIL turned on YOU when you say you don't want this.

THAT is who they both are.

They are nasty to a new mother recovering when they both don't get what they want.

THIS is who they are.

This stress and bullshit gives new mothers the blues and PND.

You need minding, not bullying.

Only an awful, selfish partner would do this.

Go and stay with your mother.

I am not being dramatic when I say you will bitterly regret allowing them to bully you and spoil this special time.

His priority is his mother, NOT you.

He is showing you who he is.

Please listen and protect yourself.

Call your mother and ask her to collect you.
Tell her what is going on.

I thought maybe she had arranged it directly with my partner and they had both just 'forgot' to inform me but turns out that's not the case. Partner told her she's welcome whenever she wants so she has taken this to mean she can stay whenever without having to inform us.
She can't stay the place she was originally going to be staying Sunday night as that person has Covid so she's just decided on an extra night with us

Sorry I know it's annoying when OPs say how lovely partner is etc. I just didn't want it to look like he's a deadbeat. He does his equal share. I agree he needs to take my needs into account though but he's just not seeing it from my view right now

I messaged her and just said I didn't know til the Facebook post, had plans Sunday and was trying to get into a routine still. She's obviously now taken it the wrong way and now I'm the bad one in both her and partners eyes.

I probably am going to up and take daughter out for a bit and leave them to it. Doesn't help the need for me to want to relax in my own home but I'm not going to let both them dictate how this goes. Been told I 'have 9 months to spend time with baby on your own' 🤨🤨🤨 absolutely NOT!

Is your mum local OP? You have plans to pop over to hers for the afternoon. You thought MIL would be on her way home as you hadn’t realized she was planning to stay 2 nights.

Sorry, xpost

@Diggersaursarethebest yeah my mums just round them corner. Even then she's hardly been round despite being mega excited at her first grandchild being born.
I feel kind of bad for her that MIL is spending nights and my mum is trying to give us space. My mum gets 'granny leave' from her work and hasn't taken that yet as she's giving us space, so she's been picking up extra shifts at work.
My mum originally had offered to look after daughter this weekend but ended up working. Had she of been doing that MIL would have invited herself and my daughter not been been here. I'm actually gutted my mum is working now and wish she'd have got the opportunity to take daughter

You have a new born and you've just had major surgery.

Your needs are the absolute priority so you can care for your 3 week old and recover.

Your mum's sensitivity is spot on.

If your dp and his mum have decided to be offended over this they need to take a long hard look at themselves and so do you.
Selfish, bullying twat.

Draw your line in the sand right now. Make it clear how things are going to be in future.

Otherwise go to your mums. Recover in peace. Where you don't feel you have to go out.

theres no wrong way to take it-u you dont invite yourself to stay at someone elses house full stop

and your partner is wrong to override you and say shes welcome when she wishes its not her house

I know how you are feeling completely. My DD is 6 months now and I've gone from having a really lovely second parent type relationship with my MIL to dreading seeing her or even talking to her. I think some of it is hormonal, but also some because I can't forgive how she treated me in the first few days. They came up for the day when DD was 48 hours old. Held her all day and I was almost having to ask permission to take her back for feeds. Took their place on the sofa all day leaving DH on the floor and me on the footstool after a very traumatic birth. Didn't make a single drink but expect hourly cups of tea. Said they would bring lunch but then just dumped the ingredients on the side and my DH ended up having to serve it all, but they kept going on about how they had fed us. Just shit like that. It hasn't got any better. When they visit they like to be waited on hand and foot. Want my DD to constantly cuddle in for a nap even if it's not nap time, because it's easier to hold a sleeping baby and post pictures of yourself being a devoted grandparent all over social media than it is to actually play with her. DD screams because she doesn't want to nap and then gets handed back to me to deal with her being upset. As soon as she's settled they try and just take her again. DH let's them as he's more easy going than me. But I've started refusing. She has also started competing for DHs attention almost. Like she was here when he was working away and I had text him about fixing something remotely in the house. She had a bit of a pop about me bothering him at work. Then she's suddenly like oh I've text DH he's ok at work. Like she hated that he was clearly OK with me speaking to him at work but she wasn't. It's so weird how relationships change.
I think you've 100% done the right thing to draw the boundary now and your DP needs to get on board x

You don't need to discuss any of it with MIL.

You should be able to tell your partner how you feel and then he should be the one dealing with the issue as it's his mother. The fact that he disagrees with you and is not willing to concede and allow you the space you want - as someone recovering from major abdominal surgery, nine months of pregnancy and as a new mother - speaks volumes.

He needs to realise quite what an inconsiderate, unloving partner he is being. He should be nothing but supportive of you right now.

Another update - it's calmed down on the MIL front. She's just going to stay the one night as planned. I think she has gotten the point from our conversation that asking first would be good - although I didn't outright say it.

Next up is having a serious chat with partner and making him understand. It might not seem an inconvenience to him but he just doesn't understand the physical and mental load you have after and the hormones taking over and the fact I just want my own space and to not have someone here fawning over my daughter the entire time.
Visitors on occasion is okay but the entire day/weekend is too much

MIL also made the guilt trip comment about wanting to be here the two days to see granddaughter as she doesn't get to see her that often. Not sure she understands she's actually probably spent the most time with her out everything else as shes already spent and entire day/overnight with her and other family have been here for a couple of hours max on one occasion. She's literally not even three weeks yet 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ of course she won't have spent that much time with her yet

Ps you're not being hormonal. Perhaps you should be a bit more hormonal. Let rip. Walk out. You don't need to apologise foe any of this.

@GabriellaMontez

Ps you're not being hormonal. Perhaps you should be a bit more hormonal. Let rip. Walk out. You don't need to apologise foe any of this.

Thank you!

I hate confrontation so much, I think I'm just being a bit of a pushover all round here in an effort to just avoid an argument or any tension going forward but I realise now is the time to stick up for myself. If I don't then it's just going to get worse!

I had a very similar situation with my eldest and just snapped and put my foot right down at about 8 weeks. ILs didn't speak to me for months afterwards but tbh it was a blessing to finally be left alone and enjoy my baby. Sometimes you have to have to be the bad guy to get people to respect your boundaries; I wouldn't want my MIL or my mother staying over at my house any time, never mind with a newborn. Twice in 3 weeks is ridiculous. If your partner wants to spend time with his mother, let him know he's welcome to go and stay at hers. Be firm with your boundaries and enjoy bonding with your little one.

You dont need to confront anyone. You need to make your partner do his fair share which means he deals with his own mother and tells her she can only come in future when she's been invited. If asking him to be an adult is confrontational then you've got more problems than a MiL in the spare room

Suck it up this weekend OP and on sunday go out buy her a gift and say I just wanted to thank you MIL for the kindness you have shown us these past few weeks and for all the support you gave us but I think we are ok now to forge a routine for ourselves,Its been lovely having you to rely on but we dont want to infringe on your time or your life any longer as we feel its not fair to you,,,no we wont take any argments on this we have to consider you ...we thought we might come to you for a visit in a coupe of weeks where we an fill you in on our progress on our new routine as we settle xxxx into family life,We are so grateful though for all you have done for us,i will ring you in the week to sort out our visit to you, We are going to see family and friends now to let them meet xxxx and i am sure your friends are missing you too Diplomatic,grateful,with boundaries set and no offence taken...might be the way to go?

But it’s crazy to think “come when you like” means “and don’t bother letting me know”. You could be out, you could have other people staying, you could be rewriting the bathroom…

It seems you're on the right track op, but believe me, it's IMPERATIVE that you make sure this is well and truly nipped in the bud right now. It is NOT up to your partner that your mil can come round when she likes, it's your house too, it's up to both of you. Do NOT feel guilty. You are NOT the bad guy here. When you're talking to either of them about it, please don't use the words 'I'm sorry, but...' it instantly puts you on the back foot. It took me till I was 45 to be able to state my wants and not be a door mat, and even now I'm still finding the volume.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
We had no overnight stays after our babies were born.
You need to be the offended person here. You are recovering from pregnancy, birth and caring for a newborn baby and people should be guided by your needs and wishes. Speak to your mother and she will have your back. Don't go down the hormones route with your Dp. You've been through enough physically and your DP needs to understand that you are not up to hosting and want to relax, recover and bond with your new baby.
You have formed your own family unit now, be offended with anybody that doesn't recognize that.
If MIL doesn't take the hint, be ready to pop out when she arrives and tell dp in advance that you won't be discussing your family business in front of anybody ( to avoid bickering in front of MIL).
Enjoy your time with your new baby.
If all else fails, perhaps your mum stays overnight, so DP can see your side.

I have a feeling she was planning on doing this every fortnight if nothing was said. Most grandparents only see their grandchildren for a few hours at a time. Much as I love my grandkids, no way would I want to spend 48 hours with them every couple of weeks, then again they are older and spend all the time winding each other up and arguing.

@arethereanyleftatall
Agree 100%

"MIL, if you're staying a second night could I put you in charge of a quick supermarket run, cooking dinner and some cleaning please? I could really use the help with that on Sunday so that I can spend some much-needed time bonding with the baby."

She'll either step up to the challenge and you'll benefit or she'll go home.

[quote Robin233]@ApocalypseNowt

So she's not coming at all now? Brill. Win for you.

Don't engage with it anymore trying to apologise or smooth things over.
^^
This
And my response would be
Good that's sorted then.

Don't feel guilty
She's acting like a child having a tantrum
Has she got form?
She's needs to show you some respect and grow up.
Honestly life is too short
It's your baby [/quote]
That would be my response too..Bois she’s not coming!
And I would be telling DP in no uncertain terms that my needs come before his mothers…

Invite her round for tea next Sunday if you are feeling generous…. But stress it’s just a quick in and out as your mum does…

YANBU atall! There's no way I would have been up for visitors of more than an hour or so at that stage. Just explain you are recovering from major surgery and are exhausted/establishing breastfeeding etc. You are really not ready for long visits.

Does she live far away so needs to stay over night?

Either way, I would make it clear there will be no more long or over night visits for the foreseeable until you feel better. I find it ridiculous that she feels she has some kind of claim on your DC. And doesn't even need to ask to stay in someone else's home! She quite clearly cares more about her wants than the needs of her DGC and DGC's mother.

If I was you I'd go over to your mum's on the Sunday so you can at least relax a bit with your baby.