Another MIL one. Help me please!

[willithappen]

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

I have sons, not daughters. I sort of take mental notes for future reference about what people might find offensive like buying the first teddy (who'd have thought). Never in my wildest dreams though would I turn up and stay twice in three weeks when a (future) DIL had just had a c-section unless I was specifically invited to help.

I fucking hate reading about hormonal, post birth, post surgery new mothers being made to feel guilty by their stupid partners, for wanting space and time to heal and get to know their own baby without their over overbearing in-laws crowding them.

My mother still invited herself to stay and never tells me when she’s going to leave. My DC are 15 and 12. Get your MIL put straight as soon as you can or you’ll be stuck with it like I am. And good luck with getting Christmases sorted asap

Yanbu

She is being selfish and rude

You don't invite yourself over and put it on fb

Hopefully she makes herself useful and actually helps rather than making more work for you

How far away does she live? I mean it needs to be far for her to be staying overnight being appropriate let alone multiple night?

Your partner isn't part of the problem he largely IS the problem!

I mean wtf!

I have 'caused an issue' and that his mum should be allowed to stay whenever she wants.

No! It's your HOME not hers!

HE didn't carry and birth a baby! At this time on this subject what you say goes.

You really must set your boundaries or you'll be dealing with worse very soon.

Don't placate mil or partner she's sulking like a petulant toddler and you don't indulge petulant toddlers you ignore them until they behave!

A c section is MAJOR surgery! I say that not only as someone who has had one but also as an ex hcp. It's cutting through several layers of tissue, moving organs about removing baby replacing (roughly) organs that have been moved and then several layers of stitches - not just the external ones! This is why you aren't supposed to do much physically immediately after one!

He needs to PROPERLY support you and that includes ensuring your NEED for recovery space and time from - AGAIN major surgery!

You are also recovering from the pregnancy and possibly trying to establish bf certainly some kind of routine and house visitors - even the best kind which I suspect she is far from! - disrupt that!

The first few weeks I was home with dd I lived in pj bottoms and dressing gown - which was mostly open for skin to skin and bf and mostly slobbed out on the sofa watching friends videos and drinking tons of squash to keep my fluids up for bf!

I couldn't have done that with a visitor. Dds preferred - weird! - positions for bf were almost impossible to do comfortably for any period of time in bed leaning on an arm of the sofa knees curled up with her on one side head on sofa arm was kinda how it worked best.

I'd be very clear with partner that he needs to back you 100% at this time and not placate his moody needy mother!

And you know what? Even without the c section and new baby etc who the hell invites themselves to stay at someone else's house and dictates how long for? That's appalling manners!

Agree too how exactly is he "helping" with baby? He's supposed to be doing not only his share of parenting at this stage and under the circumstances he is supposed to be doing the bulk of things!

My ex could only get 2 weeks off work when I had dd, during that time he did pretty much everything except bf and wipe my arse! He was doing all the housework, life admin, cooking etc helping me in and out the bath, caring for dd... because he understood I'd had a really rough time having dd and dd had a really rough time being born!

Even when he went back to work (and fyi demanding job - army, shifts, duties all sorts) he still did loads when at home inc night wakings...

I'm honestly DISGUSTED when I read so often on here of the men of younger generations being so lazy, so unsupportive so fucking useless basically!

But I'm also bewildered and puzzled as to why younger women put up with this!

Why is this happening?

Your partner needs to step up and STOP adding to your stress at this time!

Partner told her she's welcome whenever she wants

Wtf was he thinking?! Idiot!

HE needs to tell her he was wrong to do this and that he will from now on have to check if it is ok with you first before agreeing to ANY visits.

He does his equal share.

seriously precisely what IS this?

If I'd had this to deal with MY mum would have gone through both of them like a dose of salts!

theres no wrong way to take it-u you dont invite yourself to stay at someone elses house full stop

Yep!

although I didn't outright say it. your partner DOES need to do this!

Nobody likes confrontation but it's unfortunately necessary at times and this is one of them

Suck it up this weekend OP and on sunday go out buy her a gift and say I just wanted to thank you MIL for the kindness you have shown us these past few weeks

Nope awful advice!

Diplomatic nope passive people pleasing nonsense!

Op Google assertive phrases and learn how to use them. Don't apologise you've done NOTHING wrong. Clear statements of fact and clear boundaries are needed here it's the only thing people like your partner and his mother understand

I have a feeling she was planning on doing this every fortnight if nothing was said

I agree

Does she live far away so needs to stay over night?

Then there are hotels!

on sunday go out buy her a gift and say I just wanted to thank you MIL for the kindness you have shown us

Why oh why would you pursue this passive, fake, time consuming, doormat routine?

@Graphista

Your partner isn't part of the problem he largely IS the problem!

I mean wtf!

I have 'caused an issue' and that his mum should be allowed to stay whenever she wants.

No! It's your HOME not hers!

HE didn't carry and birth a baby! At this time on this subject what you say goes.

You really must set your boundaries or you'll be dealing with worse very soon.

Don't placate mil or partner she's sulking like a petulant toddler and you don't indulge petulant toddlers you ignore them until they behave!

A c section is MAJOR surgery! I say that not only as someone who has had one but also as an ex hcp. It's cutting through several layers of tissue, moving organs about removing baby replacing (roughly) organs that have been moved and then several layers of stitches - not just the external ones! This is why you aren't supposed to do much physically immediately after one!

He needs to PROPERLY support you and that includes ensuring your NEED for recovery space and time from - AGAIN major surgery!

You are also recovering from the pregnancy and possibly trying to establish bf certainly some kind of routine and house visitors - even the best kind which I suspect she is far from! - disrupt that!

The first few weeks I was home with dd I lived in pj bottoms and dressing gown - which was mostly open for skin to skin and bf and mostly slobbed out on the sofa watching friends videos and drinking tons of squash to keep my fluids up for bf!

I couldn't have done that with a visitor. Dds preferred - weird! - positions for bf were almost impossible to do comfortably for any period of time in bed leaning on an arm of the sofa knees curled up with her on one side head on sofa arm was kinda how it worked best.

I'd be very clear with partner that he needs to back you 100% at this time and not placate his moody needy mother!

And you know what? Even without the c section and new baby etc who the hell invites themselves to stay at someone else's house and dictates how long for? That's appalling manners!

Agree too how exactly is he "helping" with baby? He's supposed to be doing not only his share of parenting at this stage and under the circumstances he is supposed to be doing the bulk of things!

My ex could only get 2 weeks off work when I had dd, during that time he did pretty much everything except bf and wipe my arse! He was doing all the housework, life admin, cooking etc helping me in and out the bath, caring for dd... because he understood I'd had a really rough time having dd and dd had a really rough time being born!

Even when he went back to work (and fyi demanding job - army, shifts, duties all sorts) he still did loads when at home inc night wakings...

I'm honestly DISGUSTED when I read so often on here of the men of younger generations being so lazy, so unsupportive so fucking useless basically!

But I'm also bewildered and puzzled as to why younger women put up with this!

Why is this happening?

Your partner needs to step up and STOP adding to your stress at this time!

Partner told her she's welcome whenever she wants

Wtf was he thinking?! Idiot!

HE needs to tell her he was wrong to do this and that he will from now on have to check if it is ok with you first before agreeing to ANY visits.

He does his equal share.

seriously precisely what IS this?

If I'd had this to deal with MY mum would have gone through both of them like a dose of salts!

theres no wrong way to take it-u you dont invite yourself to stay at someone elses house full stop

Yep!

although I didn't outright say it. your partner DOES need to do this!

Nobody likes confrontation but it's unfortunately necessary at times and this is one of them

Suck it up this weekend OP and on sunday go out buy her a gift and say I just wanted to thank you MIL for the kindness you have shown us these past few weeks

Nope awful advice!

Diplomatic nope passive people pleasing nonsense!

Op Google assertive phrases and learn how to use them. Don't apologise you've done NOTHING wrong. Clear statements of fact and clear boundaries are needed here it's the only thing people like your partner and his mother understand

I have a feeling she was planning on doing this every fortnight if nothing was said

I agree

Does she live far away so needs to stay over night?

Then there are hotels!

I'm just going to quote the entirety of this post so you can read it again.

Your partner isn't lovely by being a dad. He is ignoring your needs and wishes and making you the bad guy.

Your baby is three weeks old. He should be supporting you after your major abdominal operation. Not blaming you and sulking with you.

If you're not careful this is how your entire life will pan out. I've seen enough posts on here from overwhelmed mums thinking they were doing the right thing and forming good mil relationships... whereas they were simply being sidelined so the mil could play mummy again.

She's now "only" staying one night? Keep disappearing to the bedroom for extended periods of breast feeding (pre stock with drinks & snacks and something for entertainment). Even if you & dd go for a sleep. Shut/lock the door behind you. Parting shot of I am off to feed dd. Can you just prep dinner/empty dishwasher/pop to shop/etc. Thank you so much.

Limit the time MiL can monopolize dd & she will soon get bored.
Congratulations on your baby & hope the rest of your recovery is more peaceful

Just after having a baby is one of the most vulnerable periods in a woman's life. Your dp should be protecting you from this stress.

Put your foot down. Your dp hasn't just gone through 9 months of pregnancy and major abdominal surgery. His wants must come second.

I don't get why woman who have had children (mil) don't get that you have a need for space to recover.

Push your boundaries - takers don't have any.

I'm looking at it a different way. I have a mil who has never bothered with either of our children. Only took her grandson out once when we suggested it would be a nice thing to do.

It's clear from your posting OP that you avoid confrontation and your boyfriend is well used to bullying you.

He has ZERO respect for you.

He thinks so little of you that he tells his mother she can stay ANYTIME without giving what you want a second thought

In all my years I have NEVER read such disrespectful behaviour.

He could care less about you and what you want.

This is not a good man.
This is not a good partner.
This is not a good father.

He is a bully, used to getting his own way and not caring what you think.

Are you actually married to this waster?

Please reach out to your mother and tell her what has happened.

You have all the makings of a deeply unhappy life ahead of you with this man if you dont see what is in front of you.

3 weeks from giving birth and he doesn't care a whit about what you might want whilst recovering from surgery.

I don't want to upset you but if you were my daughter I would want you to come home and be looked after, not bullied by your partner and his mother.

Good that she’s gone back to one night. Two weekends in three is ridiculous!

On Sunday when you’ve had enough, put your Daughter in the sling, say ”thanks for coming MIL, please let me know if you’re thinking of coming again for a night at the end of Feb” and bugger off to your Mums for tea and to be pampered

Why do men seem to think women who have just given birth want someone to come and look after their baby for them? And why do women who have presumably given birth themselves think its OK to do this kind of thing to a woman who has just given birth.
They are both as bad as each other. You need to out your foot down with this. No to 2 nights this weekend and no to her staying next weekend.
Why on earth is she coming to stay over night at all?

sorry but overnights at this stage is ridiculous how far away does she live

you had your baby 3 weeks ago and shes staying twice!

She's staying on one of the islands right now so it's quite a large journey for her, but she's only done it because she is going elsewhere on Monday so has added us in on her journey.
Usually she stays a 40 min drive away, but she's away for work right now. She also has three other granddaughters who I'm guessing are now not getting her attention because there is a new baby. I'm just thinking when she actually sees them if she's here with my daughter all weekend.

Don't worry, I'm going to take all this advice on board and put my partner straight. MIL is here now, but I have told her I'm away out for a walk with DD, might pop in by my mothers and stay there for a bit.

I said to MIL I was going to shop and did she need anything, just a small walk etc and I got a list of stuff for making supper. She was swiftly told no, I'm recovering for a c section and I'm not carrying all that stuff. I can't even drive so it's not like I can pop it in the car

In general she's lovely, but she just doesn't think about others. It's all about what she wants and thinks things should be done like

Thank you all so much for your advice and for reminding me to back myself.

God its ridiculous. What kind of woman thinks its acceptable to do this to another woman so soon after having a baby. So you were a week post C section the last time she stayed over? I'd have hated that. Why can't she get a hotel?

Good on you for telling her no though!

And the first time she and DH 'bicker' you MUST say out loud "and this is why I cannot relax in my own home" then take DD upstairs to get away from them.

Make your point, repeatedly if necessary. You DH has got to grow up and understand that his mother is not your mother. That you and DD are his family unit now, and maybe mist importantly, pissing you off will cause him greater discomfort than annoying his mum - that's what is usually referred to as cutting the apron strings.

@nettytree

I'm looking at it a different way. I have a mil who has never bothered with either of our children. Only took her grandson out once when we suggested it would be a nice thing to do.

So?

Partner is lovely and helps so much with our daughter
Sorry to be pedantic but partners aren’t lovely for “helping” it’s called parenting and should be 50/50 as much as logistics allow

Good for you.

This is YOUR motherhood - she’s had hers.

This time is precious and finite and is about the THREE of you laying the foundations for a calm and peaceful home - who, when and how anyone else comes through your door is at YOUR discretion once YOU have decided you have the time and the space and that their presence is enriching your new little family life.

Being assertive doesn’t have to be confrontational or cause conflict - make every decision based on what’s best for you and your baby and your new little family at this moment. Put your bonding and recovery first, front and centre. That will give you the confidence to be calmly and consistently assertive.

Sounds like your OH and his DM have poor boundaries and poor communication - you and your baby don’t need to absorb their negative bickering.

Time to put some manners on your OH.

@notthatonethisone thanks for the compliment

I don't get why woman who have had children (mil) don't get that you have a need for space to recover.

Oh they get it - they just don't care! As evidenced by numerous other mil/new mum threads their focus is on themselves as granny and their ds. It's not only mil's are like this though pp is right part of the issue is you don't have the same relationship with your mil as your mum, but it sometimes is mum.

I have a difficult relationship with my mum, when I had dd she and my dad kept trying to persuade me to let her come stay when I got home from hospital - supposedly to help - but I know mum and I know me and it wouldn't have ended well!

Mainly as mums version of "help" WOULD have been monopolising baby, criticising my parenting, complaining about the food (I'm veggie, she's a fab cook but she doesn't "get" the veggie thing) and expecting us all to fit her preferred routine.

She stayed with my sister when she had her kids but sister is mums gc and they have very similar views on most things inc parenting (eg she didn't understand my bf past 6 weeks despite before I had dd CLAIMING to be pro bf and "I bf all mine" if transpired after i had dd she had only done so for 6 weeks each time, and thought it odd and unnecessary sister ff all hers from the start which she didn't bat an eye at, I have no problem with ff it's the misleading aspect was the problem and that she had a problem with me bf for longer, she also went on about putting a bit of rusk or baby rice in a bottle from around 2 weeks! "That's what I did" she really doesn't get that knowledge and advice has massively changed since she had us. She is also a heavy smoker which I wanted around dd as little as possible. Sister is also a heavy smoker and had no such qualms, she'd stop while pregnant but be lighting up in the hospital grounds immediately after the birth!)

Brother and his 1st wife had to tell her to back off at one point as she was constantly criticising every parenting decision! Sil refused to have her visit she had her own mum nearby. They lived other end of country to mum.

Don't worry, I'm going to take all this advice on board and put my partner straight.

Good for you! Mention of islands if you're in uk makes me think you may be my neck of the woods. In which case then it is tricky in terms of transport issues around there esp this time of year but my opinion and advice still stands

@Iputthetrampintrampoline

Suck it up this weekend OP and on sunday go out buy her a gift and say I just wanted to thank you MIL for the kindness you have shown us these past few weeks and for all the support you gave us but I think we are ok now to forge a routine for ourselves,Its been lovely having you to rely on but we dont want to infringe on your time or your life any longer as we feel its not fair to you,,,no we wont take any argments on this we have to consider you ...we thought we might come to you for a visit in a coupe of weeks where we an fill you in on our progress on our new routine as we settle xxxx into family life,We are so grateful though for all you have done for us,i will ring you in the week to sort out our visit to you, We are going to see family and friends now to let them meet xxxx and i am sure your friends are missing you too Diplomatic,grateful,with boundaries set and no offence taken...might be the way to go?

That is hugely manipulative and disingenuous OP please don't do this and outright tell lies. Lying helps nobody

@CoffeeBeansGalore

She's now "only" staying one night? Keep disappearing to the bedroom for extended periods of breast feeding (pre stock with drinks & snacks and something for entertainment). Even if you & dd go for a sleep. Shut/lock the door behind you. Parting shot of I am off to feed dd. Can you just prep dinner/empty dishwasher/pop to shop/etc. Thank you so much.

Limit the time MiL can monopolize dd & she will soon get bored.
Congratulations on your baby & hope the rest of your recovery is more peaceful

😧😧😧 I've never seen such nastiness towards mothers in law as I have on these threads.... NO I do NOT condone MILs behaviour before you twist my words but telling OP - after it's gone back to the 1 night stay OP wanted - to spend extended time in the bedroom just to avoid her husband's mother???? Absolutely disgraceful behaviour.