Another MIL one. Help me please!

[willithappen]

Another MIL one to add to the huge list here on Mumsnet. I need some help/advice with how to broach this subject without it causing issues.

My daughter will be three weeks old this coming Monday. MIL stayed over not last weekend but the weekend before so quite soon after her birth. She's now coming to stay this weekend also and I was under the assumption she was staying this evening (Saturday) and leaving on Sunday. I have now just seen via her post on Facebook that she's staying at ours two nights!! So she's planning to stay both tonight and Sunday night. I have asked my partner if this was arranged directly between them two and he's said no but he also doesn't have an issue with her staying both nights and doesn't see the issue at all.

Am I BU to be annoyed that not only is this the second weekend before she's even three weeks old that MIL is staying, but also that she has changed up the plans without even asking me and I find out on Facebook instead?

How did I tell her that I'm uncomfortable with this, that she needs to ask first and to try ask for a bit of space?
How do I also make my partner understand my feelings for this? He thinks it's great as she'll watch our daughter but I don't need anyone to watch her. I'm perfectly capable of doing so myself and I don't want MIL to be here all weekend taking her away from me

Also just wondering if the hormones are taking over and I'm over exaggerating this. Don't want to hurt MILs feelings either or cause issues as we get on well, I just feel taken advantage of

I think the issue here is the OP partner has advised his mum she is welcome anytime. I have no doubt as a MIL that she assumed that welcome was agreed by his partner. I wouldnt think to have to double check with my childs partner that what he said was ok. So as much as i think its outrageous that she wants to stay for two nights and would have thought she would have checked with her son again it was ok....thus the issue is actually with your DP. ..time for a talk with him...

@GrannytoaUnicorn No, it's the MIL's behaviour that is disgraceful. The baby is 3 weeks old and the Op has stated that MiL just comes & wants to cuddle the baby, is difficult to get the baby back to feed, expects cups of tea & to be waited on. This is not acceptable from anyone, let alone someone who has been a mother and should understand that a new mum needs to bond with her newborn.

And I believe Op doesn't want MiL to keep staying at all.

The MiL bashing only happens with unacceptable behaviour. There are plenty of good ones about but they obviously don't come under fire for lovely considerate behaviour.

@rogueone I personally wouldn't take welcome anytime to mean inviting myself to stay over for an extended period of time or just anytime in general. She didn't even tell my partner she planned to stay for two days, we both found out via her Facebook post. Had I not seen that before I wouldn't have even had the chance to nip this in the bud as she'd just have never left

She's also going on about feeding DD. We are formula feeding as breastfeeding didn't work for us (as hard as we tried), so I don't have that excuse but I did just tell her that midwife advised only myself and my partner to feed DD for the first couple months as it's a bonding experience etc. she's saying she should do it as she should bond with DD also and many other cultures do this etc

She might be right, but I still think boundaries are being pushed. I shouldn't have to give reasons for not wanting something to be done or wanting to care for my newborn myself.

I 100% think you see a different side to the in laws once you bring a child into the mix

Also, she has made us food but she's left every dish and cooking utensil out and uncleaned and the kitchen not tidied up after. Usually I wouldn't mind as she cooked which is fantastic but I'd just cleaned the kitchen yesterday after weeks of a mess and I shouldn't be tidying up after my c section anyway.

Have your mum turn up on the door step without letting you DH know and see how he reacts

I shouldn't have to give reasons for not wanting something to be done or wanting to care for my newborn myself.

100%

No is a complete sentence.

The more you JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) the more it gives her an opportunity to wrestle a discussion which is exhausting for you.

Be blunt - she’s one of those thick skinned ones that needs straight talking to. Many people will have pushed back at her in the past because they will have had to.

Do everything that is best for you and your baby. Keep that in mind.

[quote willithappen]@rogueone I personally wouldn't take welcome anytime to mean inviting myself to stay over for an extended period of time or just anytime in general. She didn't even tell my partner she planned to stay for two days, we both found out via her Facebook post. Had I not seen that before I wouldn't have even had the chance to nip this in the bud as she'd just have never left

She's also going on about feeding DD. We are formula feeding as breastfeeding didn't work for us (as hard as we tried), so I don't have that excuse but I did just tell her that midwife advised only myself and my partner to feed DD for the first couple months as it's a bonding experience etc. she's saying she should do it as she should bond with DD also and many other cultures do this etc

She might be right, but I still think boundaries are being pushed. I shouldn't have to give reasons for not wanting something to be done or wanting to care for my newborn myself.

I 100% think you see a different side to the in laws once you bring a child into the mix

Also, she has made us food but she's left every dish and cooking utensil out and uncleaned and the kitchen not tidied up after. Usually I wouldn't mind as she cooked which is fantastic but I'd just cleaned the kitchen yesterday after weeks of a mess and I shouldn't be tidying up after my c section anyway. [/quote]
It's not for her to dictate OP.

Is she from another culture, is that why she is mentioning this?

[quote CoffeeBeansGalore]@GrannytoaUnicorn No, it's the MIL's behaviour that is disgraceful. The baby is 3 weeks old and the Op has stated that MiL just comes & wants to cuddle the baby, is difficult to get the baby back to feed, expects cups of tea & to be waited on. This is not acceptable from anyone, let alone someone who has been a mother and should understand that a new mum needs to bond with her newborn.

And I believe Op doesn't want MiL to keep staying at all.

The MiL bashing only happens with unacceptable behaviour. There are plenty of good ones about but they obviously don't come under fire for lovely considerate behaviour.[/quote]
You have intentionally ignored the part of my post where I quite clearly stated that I am NOT saying MIL is right! Did you not read that?

Two wrongs do not make a right ffs! Behaving like a sulking teenager locking yourself away in your bedroom to 'punish' MIL is NOT how you handle this

Goodness me

@GrannytoaUnicorn why on EARTH is that bad behaviour? Why shouldn't op have the peace and rest she needs TO HEAL at this time.

At 3 weeks her body has barely started to heal and she will be exhausted!

The MiL bashing only happens with unacceptable behaviour. There are plenty of good ones about but they obviously don't come under fire for lovely considerate behaviour.

Exactly!

How YOU (including partner and co parent) choose to feed your child is for YOU to say nothing to do with her

A key component of assertive speaking -

JADE

Do NOT

Justify, Argue Defend or Explain

Simply state your boundaries and expectations and leave it at that.

@ESGdance great minds!

I think there may be cultural differences if I'm right about where op/mil are from but it's very subtle and hard to explain! If I'm right different parts of Scotland and there are cultural differences between the mainland and islanders cultures but it's not usually so extreme that may be the mils personality making it more...pronounced?

Granny.

Can't you see how awful it is for new mothers having to contend with utterly selfish adults when they are recovering from a major operation and dealing with becoming a new mum?

Shouldn't they be held aloft? Like goddesses.... Protected, cooked for, cleaned for... Whilst they can concentrate on looking after this new life??

If I am lucky enough to be a grandma I will ask my dc what they want. If I am able to offer help I will.
I will buy food, clean if they want me too, do a night shift if they want me too.

If we don't get on by then I will send flowers, cards and money. I won't foist myself at the door demanding things.

I don’t think OP was really being advised to spend time in her bedroom to punish her MIL, more that it was the only way she would get the peace and quiet she needs when her baby’s not even 3 weeks old yet

Your c section scar is open still? Sit down, relax with your baby and tell them to look after you both so you can heal! Not by stealing baby for cuddles but by bringing you food and drinks and allowing baby to bond with mummy.

Sorry to jump in about the sling, you can usually wear baby after a c-section, you'll just need to make sure the waist band is higher than your scar and that the sling is comfy for you! There's lots of resources online if you search babywearing after a c-section

(But to add, I'd check with a HCP when you see one if your scar is open, I only just saw that part! Once you're a little more healed though babywearing is fantastic for keeping baby close)

We're in Scotland yeah. No cultural differences, nothing that can explain it away anyway it's just literally how MIL is

Oh gosh I feel your pain, I'm due baby no 3 in June and my PIL are staying 9 days before baby is born and staying for two weeks after..... they were only asked if they could come and look after our other two while I was in labour and suddenly my FIL said we are coming back to stay here xx of April and going back xx of June. Okay they live abroad but jesus christ, having to potentially be in early labour around themand then have them here for 2 weeks after baby is born is going ro be hell. I am working up the courage to tell my husband that I'm not comfortable with it but I don't want to be the bitch, as I guess you dont. It's not as easy to just come out with it is it..

Oh @Pesimistic that sounds awful! So sorry, hope you can also figure out how to broach it with them.
I think some people just don't understand the need for your own space during this time

There's no way I'd have any PIL here for that length of time though, I thought the 2 days was crazy 🙈

I think the worst part is the fact its just been thrust upon me (and you) no discussion of what would be best or even if it would be OK, my fil sounds very much like your mil.

16Sunbird24

I don’t think OP was really being advised to spend time in her bedroom to punish her MIL, more that it was the only way she would get the peace and quiet she needs when her baby’s not even 3 weeks old yet

^^^

Thank you. Precisely.

Granny.

If someone's feels they have to squirrel and hide in thier room, perhaps something is wrong with the entire situation.

I would in these circumstances always, favour the human who suddenly has a tiny human being relying on them. ALWAYS.

Why shouldn't the OP retreat to her bedroom with her 3 week old baby if that is what she has to dobto get some peace from her thick as shit MIL who doesn't give a damn about what a new mother may want but is selfish and ignorant beyond belief.

Absolutely selfish and appallingly ill mannered to arrive at someone's home without telling them.

Some people have zero manners.

No wonder MIL's have such an awful reputation on MN, I have never heard the like of it in real life, fortunately.

I did go to my mums for a bit and a walk to the shop with my mum, just for a bit of 'I have my own plans here' and I also have a friend coming to meet me tomorrow at 11.30am so no chance of staying longer through the day

Billy.

You don't mince words

Yes it's utterly stupid behaviour isn't it.
You're extremely lucky.

My Mil did this and far worse

I may be an old woman now😁 but I can still well remember how I wanted peace, quiet and privacy, when I had my first baby.

Fortunately our whole circle couldn't have been kinder and more considerate.

A mother in law coming and imposing herself on you, demanding the baby, cooking a meal and leaving a huge mess is such an unbelievable intrusion, I have truly never heard the like of it.

Because if it had occurred amongst my friends, I would have been told!!

What I have heard, is tales of MIL's taking other children out for several hours just to give the new mum some peace in the house or handing in a simple oven bake for dinner.

Gestures that were hugely praised and appreciated.

Yes my mil was extremely kind and helpful

She sounds like a selfish bitch, and your partner sounds like a selfish pig! How dare he! He isn't the one who had to go through pregnancy or childbirth and the risks, the exhaustion! It's so easy for him! What a selfish arsehole he is! Neither of them are any good at thinking about anyone else other than themself are they? Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree with him. You're the mother. You're the one who had to go through pregnancy and childbirth and now breastfeed and be the main parent. What you say, goes. And your partner needs to realise you come first. His selfish mother comes last. I cannot believe she actually gave you, recovering from major surgery, a shopping list. Who the hell does she think she is?? Your partner needs to be set straight and told he either shapes up or you're gone, and he needs to put you first and put his mother straight. Neither of them sound like nice people, they both sound selfish and incapable of thinking of anyone else. I'd show your partner this thread. And I'd expect a 180 from him or I wouldn't put up with his behaviour anymore. You need help and support, you need this stress like a hole in the head.