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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
Autumnalblooms · 21/01/2022 14:31

I am a community carer and I would 100% report her with no hesitation not only to keep other people safe on the road but also the vulnerable people she cares for safe .If she is going into work even slightly affected by alcohol then those she cares for are at risk what if she makes a medication error and it is a fatal one what if she is using equipment and she Injures someone. It is a criminal offence you have to declare it to your employer when you work in care because you are working with vulnerable people it will also show now on her dbs .My opinion and it's going to sound harsh she is not safe to be a carer she is risking everyone's safety. She needs to accept help .

Flowertailbird · 21/01/2022 14:31

Report to the police. You could potentially stop something serious happening to someone else as a result.

2bazookas · 21/01/2022 14:32

@ But defying a driving ban isn’t technically endangering anyone so long as she is driving sober.

She has lost her license, therefore her drivers insurance is invalid and she is driving uninsured.

That IS a huge risk to her passengers and other road users and pedestrians .. especially if she's still driving while drunk. There's no insurance pay out to innocent victims for whatever damage , loss of life or lifeterm disability she caused.

EsmeraldaandTeenytiny · 21/01/2022 14:32

@MamTDM

Some perspective on 'ruining her life' by reporting her: I have a friend who lost her fiance, her brother and her 7-year-old son to three separate drunk drivers over a period of about eight years. I have absolutely zero tolerance of drink driving and would report her in a heartbeat.
This is heartbreaking, so sorry for your friend Flowers
ClawedButler · 21/01/2022 14:36

Awful position for you to be in, but my take on it would be that a true friend would do what was RIGHT for the person, not what was being asked of them. She is clearly in a bad place, and in the grip of a horrible addiction - ergo, she is not able to make good decisions. So you will have to make those decisions for her.

She might rail against you and declare the friendship dead. But it's the same as when your kids hate you for e.g. not letting them go to a party that's likely to get out of control. You have to be the bigger person, see the bigger picture, and put safety before wants and wishes.

Blanketpolicy · 21/01/2022 14:37

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.
I would say no-one likes a clipe (Scottish word), but a clipe normally refers to less serious scenarios, probably more aligned with tell-tale.

To me grass is more sinister and malicious, where people have been or could be hurt or involved in something more serious.

I'm not cool. I'd grass up anyone.

AngelinaFibres · 21/01/2022 14:37

@DdraigGoch

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship.

Stuff the friendship!

Why would you want to be friends with a drink driver who is driving whilst banned ?
oakleaffy · 21/01/2022 14:44

You owe it to other innocent lives to report this drunk driver.
She'll never learn unless she faces the consequences of her utterly selfish, self serving behaviour.

BABAHOTEL · 21/01/2022 14:44

@TwuntyFriend

AmandaHoldensLips We are in the UK - England. Is 9 months likely to be untrue then? That's what she told me....
It does seem a very short ban.
BABAHOTEL · 21/01/2022 14:45

@mumofmunchkin

My brother was killed by someone driving under the influence.

Report her to the police.

ThanksThanks
catzrulz · 21/01/2022 14:45

@TwuntyFriend

I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow.

At least this way I can say I did my best and she gave me no choice.

Sadly I think this may be the end of our friendship for the moment, but I will be here for her if she decides to get her life back on track.

Thanks for all your help.

Absolutely report her TODAY, even an anonymous call to 101. You do not have to give your details. Also I'd print out a letter and post it to her work, nobody will know who has sent it then. As PP have said she is the one making the choice not you.
MermaidEyes · 21/01/2022 14:45

She won't understand she has a problem until she hits rock bottom

This is so true. One of my colleagues is currently banned for drink driving. As far as I'm aware, she's staying off the road, but she still isn't addressing her serious alcohol addiction which caused her to be banned in the first place.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/01/2022 14:48

@JackyinaTracky

I’m another one saying to report her. It’s not just a question of whether she recognises the drink problem and never drives again after drinking, the fact that she is banned means her insurance is invalid. If she’s involved in a not drink related accident she could still leave somebody with life changing injuries and no means of compensation. This is a level of selfishness that I would not be able to tolerate in friendship. She needs to face the consequences of her actions and not put other road users, pedestrians, and her own passengers at risk. If she won’t do it I think you absolutely owe it to others to report her.
This here. Driving with void insurance is a shockingly irresponsible thing to do - in addition to it being illegal to drive whilst banned.
oakleaffy · 21/01/2022 14:50

@TwuntyFriend
Report her anonymously to crime stoppers.
She is clearly a very dangerous driver, and maybe a true ban will mean she faces up to her addiction.
By still driving, she is recklessly and illegally risking innocent lives.
The innocent people she ploughs into won't be able to claim as she will be uninsured.

She'll carry on drink driving, otherwise.

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 21/01/2022 14:53

And as for the "she's not technically endangering anyone so long as she's driving sober" - come on, she's not driving sober. She's an active alcoholic who has probably driven under the influence dozens if not hundreds of times and her driving ban has not sobered her up at all. Even if she isn't drinking in the mornings, if she drives her kids to school after a heavy night she's DUI with them in the car.

anon12345678901 · 21/01/2022 15:05

9 months can be right for a ban. My ex got 9 months for drink driving, he got convicted and had the ban and fine. I'd report straight away OP, if she's been driving for work then her employers should be aware. It's putting everyone else on the roads at risk when she's there, if she's continuing to drive under the influence. There's no excuse for it. As for no one likes a grass, are you twelve? Grow up.

ravenmum · 21/01/2022 15:08

It isn't even a choice, really, is it, OP? You can't watch her put her children and others at risk. But still: good choice.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/01/2022 15:14

I think you’ve already decided to report. Her employer needs to know. I know someone injured when her colleague crashed. It then transpired woman had no driving licence, insurance etc. People knew but no one had spoken up. As a carer she could easily be asked to drive a colleague or even perhaps take a vulnerable person in her car.
It’s not tittle tattle it’s just factual if you have info re her conviction.

BronwenFrideswide · 21/01/2022 15:18

@legallytired

I wouldn't report someone for driving whilst banned unless drink driving. I'd report drink driving whether or not someone is banned!
Why wouldn't you report someone banned from driving? Do you not think they have been banned for a reason, that reason being that they are a fucking danger on the roads? Her insurance is invalid, do you want uninsured drivers on the road, especially ones who have lost their licence through drink? Have you ever had to go through the minefield of dealing with an uninsured driver that has hit your car?
Original poster
TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 15:18

To all of those who've lost loved ones because of drink drivers, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Update: I called her and again expressed my concerns. She was adamant that she wouldn't get caught and it would be 'ok'. I told her that she needed help for her drinking, and if she decided to face those demons today I would help and support her every step of the way. I also told her that if she chose to continue driving I would have no choice but to report her to her work and the police.
As expected, she told me I wasn't her friend and I would be ruining her children's lives if I did that. That was the end of the conversation.

So I've reported her on 101, and I've told her workplace the situation and that she needs additional support. I also sent her a message telling her that I will be here for her when she's ready to face the challenges ahead.

For now sadly our friendship is over, but I truly hope she comes through this and that her children are ok.

OP posts:
TimBoothseyes · 21/01/2022 15:19

@TwuntyFriend

NoSquirrels She was pulled over driving that night after a drinking session, it wasn't the day after.

I'm unsure if she drives when drunk with the children in the car - but it wouldn't surprise me.

It wouldn't surprise you, yet you are more worried about her than her than them. Report her to both the police and SS. She is putting her children in danger through her drinking.
ravenmum · 21/01/2022 15:22

Well done OP, you sound like a wonderful friend. I hope her life improves enough for her to realise one day.

1forAll74 · 21/01/2022 15:22

If she is not taking any proper advice from you, then you should report her, for her own good mainly. She must have been well over the limit with getting a 9 month driving ban.. Apart from still driving,the alcohol issue could affect her job as a carer, as in all the types of things she has to do with caring for people. like maybe involving medicines and the like.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/01/2022 15:25

You’ve done the right thing op. It’s not you ruining her life. Hopefully she will see with passage of time what a good friend you were.

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 15:25

@TwuntyFriend thank you for reporting her, and for being so lovely to her about being there when she's ready.

You've done the right thing. I hope it gives her the kick up the bum she needs.

Even if it doesn't, you might have just saved her life.