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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:

bouncydog · 21/01/2022 13:48

Reporting her tomorrow might be a day too late. What if she kills somebody the next time she gets in the car and drives whilst under the influence later this afternoon? How will you feel then - even worse that you will feel if you report her. You have already spoken to her and she thinks she's invincible. Drink Drivers are banned for a reason - because they are considered a danger to others. One would hope that being caught and banned would make them re-consider but in this case it clearly hasn't worked. If she asks you directly then simply say you know nothing about it. Unless she never has interaction with other people, others will know.

Just10moreminutesplease · 21/01/2022 13:48

Please report her OP. My friends family recently lost a small child in a car accident. Her life won’t be nearly as ruined by losing her job as there’s was by losing a child.

Unless you’d be putting yourself in physical danger by reporting her, I’d say you’re morally obligated to do so. Otherwise if she drives drunk again, you could be complicit in her causing someone’s death.

JackyinaTracky · 21/01/2022 13:49

I’m another one saying to report her. It’s not just a question of whether she recognises the drink problem and never drives again after drinking, the fact that she is banned means her insurance is invalid. If she’s involved in a not drink related accident she could still leave somebody with life changing injuries and no means of compensation. This is a level of selfishness that I would not be able to tolerate in friendship.
She needs to face the consequences of her actions and not put other road users, pedestrians, and her own passengers at risk. If she won’t do it I think you absolutely owe it to others to report her.

Original poster

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 13:50

gettingmylifetogether Thank you. It really is hard. I only want the best for her and her children - and I really want to do the right thing here by everyone.

Allycott Interesting response. What would you do instead?

OP posts:

YouokHun · 21/01/2022 13:50

“Wreath21
Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.”

First person on here to talk sense. Keep your beaks out!

What goes around comes around.

@Allycott what do you mean by “what goes around comes around” in this context?

creativevoid · 21/01/2022 13:54

You've had lots of advice referencing what could happen if she is in an accident with her kids in the car. When I was a child my father used to drive us drunk. We never got in an accident (surprisingly), but it didn't make it any less terrifying for me every single time. It also made me feel completely powerless to protect myself and like no one (my drunk father or my enabling mother) cared about the risk to us. This has impacted me in a lot of negative ways in my life. So for the sake of the kids, please take some action. They are being harmed, even if they get out of the car safely every time.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 21/01/2022 14:04

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.

Sensible people like drunk drivers even less.

pansypotter123 · 21/01/2022 14:06

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse.

In that case her legal advisors (assuming she's in England or Wales) can advance a Special Reasons or Exceptional Hardship argument before the court on her behalf.

I wonder if she's already tried this, though?

BatshitBanshee · 21/01/2022 14:07

I'd report her. I wouldn't bother talking to her or last chancing her. Whatever about herself, don't let her kill or traumatise her kids. Or anyone else.

waterlego · 21/01/2022 14:11

What goes around comes around

So, if I report someone for breaking the law, I should also expect to be reported if I break the law? Seems fair enough. 🤷🏼‍♀️

FanGirlX · 21/01/2022 14:11

@FrogIAm

Yes report her to the police. They will send cars out when they know she is driving to school/work etc. You don’t need to tell anyone else like school/work. Just the police and she’ll be caught and it won’t come back to you. You are not ruining her life or losing her her job, she is doing that.

Hmm, I've reported a prolific drunk driver several times now. Given the police their car type and ref, where they will be driving to at approx time. They haven't been stopped. I'm not the only one who has reported this person.

Ffsmakeitstop · 21/01/2022 14:11

@EmpressCixi

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship. If she is likely to be caught, let her be caught. Id only report her if she drink drove again...I’d report that. But defying a driving ban isn’t technically endangering anyone so long as she is driving sober.

If you want to help her, try and via the network of all her friends and family sort out lifts to/from work and for her children to school.

So either stay quiet or help her abide by the ban and not lose her job or her children end up out of school.

It absolutely is endangering others. If she's disqualified her insurance is not valid. If she writes off someone's car who doesn't have uninsured driver cover what are they going to use to get to work etc. As for being a single parent she is responsible for her own actions, it's irresponsible and downright dangerous for her to carry on as she is. Report her op.

KittyKattyFosterMummy · 21/01/2022 14:12

@Wreath21
@EmpressCixi
@Allycott

Would you say the same if it was YOUR loved one that was killed by this woman? I very much doubt it.

And to the others who said they wouldn't report her for "just" driving whilst banned, would you say the same if it was YOUR car that was trashed by her since she would be uninsured, even if no-one was injured? I very much doubt it.

@TwuntyFriend, I feel very sorry that you are in the position you are, it must be very hard, but from your responses, you clearly understand what you have to do. Thank you for being brave and reporting her, it is the right thing to do, because whatever the consequences for her, she has brought them on herself. The person / people whose lives she my ruin have not.

readsalotgirl63 · 21/01/2022 14:15

I had a family member who was an alcoholic. Sadly its true that people with an alcohol addiction often need to hit rock bottom in order to admit they have a problem.
Reporting her is the right thing to do - for her and for her children. The hard thing for you is to accept that you can't help your friend unless she wants to be helped and is prepared to help herself.

OneCuppaChar · 21/01/2022 14:15

You're not ruining her life.... you're potentially saving it.

FlamingoDust · 21/01/2022 14:16

Please report her. She is endangering lives.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/01/2022 14:16

She’s uninsured - so if she hurt her kids or someone else and they became disabled they would not be covered by insurance. It is incredibly stupid.

I would report and if that meant the end of the friendship so be it

AnotherCupOfTeaDear · 21/01/2022 14:16

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.

I'm embarrassed for you, what a stupid, comment to make OP you know about it now and unfortunately if anything happens you will be complicit whether you like it or not No chances, report and be an advocate for her children

Jaxhog · 21/01/2022 14:18

Glad to hear you will report her if she doesn't stop driving.

She's putting herself, her children, and the general public at risk. Her insurance will be invalid. If she's caught, she will likely go to jail.

Porcupineintherough · 21/01/2022 14:21

I'd report her to the police. They wont just take your word for it they will either investigate- or they wont- but if they dont that's not on you.

tootsierubs · 21/01/2022 14:21

Can't you report anonymously and give her car reg number? It will ping their anpr then and they'll watch out for her.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/01/2022 14:22

Then she should have thought of that, shouldn't she, especially with a prosecution under her belt already

The only bit that makes sense is that about the innocent children, but with a drunk driving mother they're probably at even more risk - and so is everyone else

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 21/01/2022 14:23

First person on here to talk sense. Keep your beaks out!

What goes around comes around.

Personally, if, God forbid, I ever develop an alcohol problem to the extent that I've lost my license for driving drunk, I hope like hell that I have friends or family who have enough courage and love me enough to call the police on me before I become a killer.

2bazookas · 21/01/2022 14:23

She's now driving uninsured. So if she injures someone else they'll get no compensation. T

Since she knowingly breaks the law . presumably she's still drinking and driving with her kids on board , and drunk at work with her vulnerable clients. Why are you enabling that?

Don't be as irresponsible as she is. You must inform police and her employer.

DdraigGoch · 21/01/2022 14:25

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship.

Stuff the friendship!

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