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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:
GrumpyTerrier · 21/01/2022 13:00

OP it might seem like you'd be ruining her life but you would actually be helping her to see how she can't go on like this. All the 'ruining' has already happened, done by her.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/01/2022 13:02

@TwuntyFriend

I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow.

At least this way I can say I did my best and she gave me no choice.

Sadly I think this may be the end of our friendship for the moment, but I will be here for her if she decides to get her life back on track.

Thanks for all your help.

Why? You seem to be owning this far more than she is, angsting about it, taking the responsibility for it upon your own shoulders.

You have already spoken to her. That's already in top of her having gone through the whole roadside, police station, court case, sentencing, etc.

How much more information, warnings, help do you think she needs? She has chosen her response to the ban. If the police and a judge couldn't wake her up to the realities nothing you do or say is going to!

You don't need to justify your actions. You don't have to do anything other than report her for the dangerous fool she is.

3scape · 21/01/2022 13:03

I'm a carer. If this were a colleague I'd be obliged to inform my manager. As a friend I'd report to the police. She's obviously massively addicted and unable to deal with the precarious situation her problem drinking and reduced ability to make decisions leaves her in. She needs to not be supporting vulnerable clients, god knows what other risks she might think are ok just to get pissed up. Does she drink on duty?

VainAbigail · 21/01/2022 13:04

Op, carers have to have business insurance on their cars when they’re working as sometimes they have to drive other carers. Imagine that she has an accident whilst working and her passenger is injured. Sometimes carers take the client out in their cars too. Think of the same situation. She would be absolutely ruined if this happened to her whilst driving with a ban. So think about it from that POV.

Boopeedoop · 21/01/2022 13:06

I have to drive as part of my job in healthcare. I have to provide evidence of insurance and they do yearly checks on my driving licence.

I don't know how she's getting away with it but yes, I would report her.

3scape · 21/01/2022 13:07

As a carer it's not always just other carers. I'm fully insured which allows me to support clients to access appointments in my or their vehicle.

givememykeys · 21/01/2022 13:12

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.
Hypothetically @Wreath21 if your child/partner/parent was killed by a driver who had lost their licence and it could have been avoided by someone you call a grass getting them off the road would you still have the same view or is a playground attitude more important to you?
Suzanne999 · 21/01/2022 13:12

She’ll probably trigger a camera on a police car at some point.
Her insurance is invalid, you can’t insure a banned driver. Any bump could cost her ££££s.
A criminal conviction would probably mean she’d lose her job.

Stupid woman. Report her on 101, giving her name, address and car reg number.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 21/01/2022 13:12

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse

Erm, there is a very easy solution to this. Don't drink and drive!

JuergenSchwarzwald · 21/01/2022 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

LittleDiaries · 21/01/2022 13:14

She won't understand she has a problem until she hits rock bottom, as my late dad's GP told me. As hard as it is, she needs to be caught driving whilst banned, possibly whilst over the limit, lose her job and also maybe find social services delving into her parenting. It's going to hurt, but she's done all this to herself. She's to blame, and no-one else.

FreedomFaith · 21/01/2022 13:17

I'd report her to the police. She's a danger on the road and doesn't give a shit. I don't give a shit then if she loss her job, she's clearly not concerned about killing people.

Supertree · 21/01/2022 13:17

Poor you, I understand why you feel so bad about it. I'd feel exactly the same way but I think I'd have to report it. I couldn't feel comfortable knowing that she's likely to drink drive again put her own children and other people at risk and I could do something about it. A friend of one of my husband's colleagues was killed by a drunk driver who'd actually been banned from driving due to previous drink driving over the Christmas period. I'm very far removed from it but it's bloody awful. I know your friend thinks that would never happen to her, but everybody thinks that and yet these things keep happening.

IrritableOwlSyndrome · 21/01/2022 13:18

@MadeForThis

I would report drink driving. I'm not sure I would report breaking her driving ban.
I would. And have. My own Dad. The ironic thing is he was livid a few years before his conviction when he was hit by a bloke with no licence and insurance. He wasn't seriously injured but it did cause massive problems. He then seemed to think he was different and the law didn't apply to him, him driving daily with no license and insurance was apparently different to other people who did it. With my Dad he wasn't drinking daily, it was a fight with a mate on rare weekend visit so he thought it was different because until then he had over 40 years of driving with no accidents or claims.

Driving about with no license and insurance doesn't just make the driver vulnerable, it's everyone else and because she's still drinking she'd probably still drive drunk. I could not live with it on my conscience if someone crashed into her and her children were harmed or she killed someone when I knew I could have done something to remove a dangerous driver from the road.

rwalker · 21/01/2022 13:19

I wonder if the people saying stay out of it or don't grass would feel the same if se crashed into there car and is basically not insured and they had take the loss as no insurance to claim off .Sure they'd have plenty to say then .

YouokHun · 21/01/2022 13:20

I'm unsure if she drives when drunk with the children in the car - but it wouldn't surprise me

If she has a problem with drink and a problem with judgement you can bet she is still drink driving and even if she’s sober she’s driving uninsured. As someone who lost a close relative in a car accident caused by a drunk driver I would report her. You may potentially save the life of other road users.

IrritableOwlSyndrome · 21/01/2022 13:21

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.
Would you say the same if your child or a loved was killed by some twat with no license and insurance?
Duchess379 · 21/01/2022 13:22

@TwuntyFriend

Ok, does anybody know if Drink Driving cases are heard in the magistrates court or crown court? I'm trying to find their hearing listing.

Magistrates.
She's a carer, being trusted to look after vulnerable people & there is a good chance she's drunk? You have to do something I'm afraid. She's a danger to too many people x

gettingmylifetogether · 21/01/2022 13:24

@TwuntyFriend

I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow.

At least this way I can say I did my best and she gave me no choice.

Sadly I think this may be the end of our friendship for the moment, but I will be here for her if she decides to get her life back on track.

Thanks for all your help.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

I agree, she's likely to be very angry at you for a very long time if you turn her in, but as she's your friend, I'm sure you'd rather she hates you, than she hates herself for causing an accident that ends or limits someone else's life. She doesn't have to be your friend back for you to care enough about her to do her that kindness.

It's not always easy doing the right thing. Flowers

AngelinaFibres · 21/01/2022 13:30

@TwuntyFriend

My initial thoughts were to turn her in, but I didn't want to be the one who lost her her job and potentially 'ruined' her life.

If I report to the police, how will they know she's been driving. Effectively it's my word against hers. Do I contact her work and tell them too?

I know court records are out there and anyone can find them if they look so she's taking a risk that no-one will see too.

It's all such a mess!!

You are not the one who will ruin her life. She is doing that for herself. She will kill someone.
FanGirlX · 21/01/2022 13:30

@SoupDragon

Given she has a problem with alcohol and has not stopped drinking, this will not be the only time she's driven or will drive whilst drunk, just the first time she's been caught.
I saw a stat (and can't find it now). Drink drivers drive over the limit 140 times, on average, before they are caught. She's been caught but has likely been getting away with it for years.

Think about how often you have been stopped and breathalysed? I've been stopped once in 25 years of driving. I drive pretty much every day.

Sportslady44 · 21/01/2022 13:32

Turn her in selfish woman

Allycott · 21/01/2022 13:39

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.
First person on here to talk sense. Keep your beaks out!

What goes around comes around.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/01/2022 13:39

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse.

And if she continues to drive drunk and kills her children? Or someone else's children? Would you feel the same if it was you and your kids she ploughs into?

Her job is her responsibility, she should have thought of her job before she got behind the wheel drunk. She should be reported.

girlmom21 · 21/01/2022 13:46

What goes around comes around.

Unfortunately, OP's friends 'karma' might come around in the form of killing somebody innocent.

I'd take my chances with reporting her...