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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get involved - banned from driving

364 replies

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 10:37

NC for this. It's more of a WWYD.

My friend has had a problem with alcohol for years. She drinks a lot. A few months ago she was pulled over and was found to be over the limit. She was rightly prosecuted, and recently received a 9 month ban.

She needs to be able to drive for her work (carer). She has decided to not tell her work and continue driving as if the ban didn't happen. I have told her this is a stupid idea and utterly reckless, but she's not listening to me and thinks the chances of her getting found out are slim.

The liklihood of her losing her job are high if they know about the ban. She is continuing to drive her small children around as well as for work.

I had hoped that this incident would have been the kick up the arse she needed to get help for the drinking and sort her life out - apparently not.

What on earth do I do? Say something? Keep schtum? I'm out of ideas.

OP posts:

pansypotter123 · 21/01/2022 12:14

@TwuntyFriend of course if you actually see her driving then you can make a statement to the police too.

Original poster

TwuntyFriend · 21/01/2022 12:18

I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow.

At least this way I can say I did my best and she gave me no choice.

Sadly I think this may be the end of our friendship for the moment, but I will be here for her if she decides to get her life back on track.

Thanks for all your help.

OP posts:

CailleachGranda · 21/01/2022 12:18

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.

Some people need to grow the fuck up

Nanny0gg · 21/01/2022 12:20

@MadeForThis

I would report drink driving. I'm not sure I would report breaking her driving ban.

But she's uninsured.

The knock on effects of that could be as catastrophic as an accident

IncompleteSenten · 21/01/2022 12:21

You have to act.
She's going to carry on driving, and driving drink.

I wonder if one of the keep your nose out posters would maintain that view if she plowed into one of their loved ones while driving drunk and banned. Well my relative is now dead but I'm glad the friend kept her nose out. That would have been a terrible thing to do to a banned drunk driver.

Wnkingawalrus · 21/01/2022 12:22

OP you won’t be responsible for “ruining her life”. She has done that herself with her irresponsible drinking.

Her insurance will be invalid if she drives whilst banned but the bigger concern for me would be her complete disregard for safety and the risk of her driving her children whilst over the limit. Her job would be the least of my worries in those situations.

I know it’s tough, and you feel like your between a rock and hard place. But you really need to think about the consequences of her driving whilst banned and potentially after drinking.

BedisBliss · 21/01/2022 12:29

@EmpressCixi

I would not report her. Unless you plan to end the friendship. If she is likely to be caught, let her be caught. Id only report her if she drink drove again...I’d report that. But defying a driving ban isn’t technically endangering anyone so long as she is driving sober.

If you want to help her, try and via the network of all her friends and family sort out lifts to/from work and for her children to school.

I understand why the ban people caught drink driving from driving, but when you are a single parent and you need to drive to work and to take children to school, it is a punishment that can literally make you destitute, possibly homeless and also punishes her innocent children. Reporting would just make it worse.

So either stay quiet or help her abide by the ban and not lose her job or her children end up out of school.

This with bells on....or go NC

Wineisoverrated · 21/01/2022 12:29

@Wreath21

Stay out of it. No one likes a grass.

No one likes dead children either.

A very real possibility if their mother continually drink drives (possibly with them in the car.)

SantaHat · 21/01/2022 12:31

Driving whilst disqualified is an imprisonable offence. The courts take it very seriously indeed.

LOL unless you’re Katie Price of course ;)

reesewithoutaspoon · 21/01/2022 12:35

Theres a good chance that she will be picked up by an ANPR camera anyway . But just phone police and let them know she's still driving and some details about her regular driving route and they will just pick her up that way, so it wont be connected to you if that's what you're worried about.
Can she get a job closer to home, like in a care home rather than as a carer who has to travel around. At least then its just 2 commutes a day and easier to manage with public transport.
Even if she's not drinking she will be un insured and that's a major issue.
If shes driving just after receiving the ban that would be considered in any sentencing if shes caught and means she would get a higher sentence/punishment so possible custodial sentence. Who will take her kids if she is in jail? Does she understand that risk?

Esspee · 21/01/2022 12:39

Report. She may cause a fatal accident then I would consider you to be partly (a tiny bit) to blame.

Winter2020 · 21/01/2022 12:41

Quote "I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow."

That's a brave route OP as she will then pretty much know It's you who reported her. Personally I'd report anonymously. The police won't arrest her on your say so they will try to catch her driving so if she doesn't drive again then no problem - but unless she tells work then she will drive won't she.

Good luck with it.

beastlyslumber · 21/01/2022 12:42

@TwuntyFriend

I've decided to speak to her later and give her one last chance to do the right thing and cease driving. I've found details of her nearest AA meetings and will give her that as well.

If she decides to ignore my advice I will report her to the Police tomorrow.

At least this way I can say I did my best and she gave me no choice.

Sadly I think this may be the end of our friendship for the moment, but I will be here for her if she decides to get her life back on track.

Thanks for all your help.

Sounds like a good plan, OP. Wishing you luck

Munchyseeds · 21/01/2022 12:44

I really don't get what is so difficult about this
She hasn't listened to you so far, she won't later.
Report her to the police and tell her work....up to you if you tell her you are going to do this
Then you have done the right thing, what happens is not your issue

sanbeiji · 21/01/2022 12:46

Report OP.
You’ll never forgive yourself if she kills someone.
So many people lost to drink drivers.

DixonD · 21/01/2022 12:48

Find a copy of the court information which would have been in your local paper (you might be able to Google it).

Then post it to her work.

I found out someone at my work was banned for the same thing through the papers but they hadn’t told anyone at work.

Chloemol · 21/01/2022 12:50

@EmpressCixi

If you want to help her, try and via the network of all her friends and family sort out lifts to/from work and for her children to school.

So either stay quiet or help her abide by the ban and not lose her job or her children end up out of school.

Wow, just wow

Defying a ban isnt endangering anyone? Yes it is, she was banned for a reason, aspheric can have an accident however careful she is being, however she has no insurance as she is banned. So she has an accident and what ?

She is an adult, she knows actions have consequences
This is her consequence, whatever the impact maybe

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/01/2022 12:50

@Munchyseeds

I really don't get what is so difficult about this She hasn't listened to you so far, she won't later. Report her to the police and tell her work....up to you if you tell her you are going to do this Then you have done the right thing, what happens is not your issue

Because OP likes this person? She feels like she is triggering the downfall of someone's life, someone who has young kids and clearly struggling with alcoholism. Of course it's difficult, even if it is the right thing to do.

Snuggledupforwinter · 21/01/2022 12:52

I'd report her before she caused an accident, or caused injury to herself or her kids. I lost a close friend killed by a drink driver on a school run who showed no remorse when she was eventually caught.

Mamamamasaurus · 21/01/2022 12:52

I wouldn't be doing anything other than reporting her - she's had chance after chance. I speak as someone whose ex wrapped a car around a bus stop, while drunk, while banned already for drink-driving. It was pure luck that the local school children weren't out of school for another 10 mins.

I haven't read all the replies but if you don't report, you're as culpable as she is when something happens.
You won't lose her her job though, she's done all of that herself.
She made choices - she needs to live with the consequences.

Tricked2003 · 21/01/2022 12:53

@StarbucksSmarterSister

I didn't want to be the one who lost her her job and potentially 'ruined' her life.

You won't be. She will.

Report her.

Absolutely agree with this!!!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/01/2022 12:53

OP I'd be concerned that if she gets away with this, shell push it further in future. So when she gets her licence back, will she bother renewing insurance? Bother with MOTs? Since she 'knows' no one checks and shes gotten away with it before...

MsAgnesDiPesto · 21/01/2022 12:55

OP, you’ll be saving her from herself if you report her now. It’s only a matter of time before she has an accident and ends up responsible for all the costs because she’s not insured (tens of thousands, potentially), and would likely end up in prison if she hurts or kills someone, or her own children. That would be a life (or many) ruined.

I couldn’t have this knowledge and not do something about it, regardless of friendship.

RampantIvy · 21/01/2022 12:55

Are those saying that the OP shouldn’t report her happy that there is yet another uninsured driver on the road?

• It’s illegal to drive while banned
• It’s illegal to drive uninsured

@Wreath21 so you are happy that an uninsured driver who might be driving under the influence of alcohol should be allowed to drive? Really?

Excellent replies @andweallsingalong and @Yummypumkin

Her attitude is one of denial. Bad things will never happen to her and everything will be ok.

In that case I definitely would report her. Her attitude stinks.

She hasn't listened to you so far, she won't later.

Sadly, I think Munchyseeds is right. Be prepared for her to tell you to mind your own business

TeapotCollection · 21/01/2022 12:58

If she seriously thinks you’re going to report her she’s likely to tell you she’ll stop driving but not do it

Will you find out if she does that?

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