AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

[newnamenewyear]

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

OP, you are the one contradicting yourself.

A poster wrote:
I think it's fine to have a nice day in town with friends and fritter his money and as long as you spin it to him as 'Well yes, you can only spend your money once but if you had fun then that's also OK. Would you like me to give you some jobs to earn some money?

And you replied
No, this is still fixing it for him!

So apparently giving him the option to earn money by doing jobs is not something you are willing to do. And you regard it as 'fixing it'.

Now you say, no that's not the case at all, and this option is open to him

Which is it? I mean we cab only go on your posts & can't be expected to factor in your contradictions.

@EarringsandLipstick

Do you really think it's a good thing to model to a teen if you regret spending on a gift it's ok to ask for it back?

Hardly a gift. It's not like he consciously bought his pal a planned birthday present.

He went into town with a group & spent his cash buying several of them some kit

(Tho I agree asking for it back may not be possible or practicable)

But it was a gift, when you give something to someone else without expectation of payment, conditions etc, it's a gift! It might be inappropriate but it's still a gift.

The OP has said there will be discussions and I infer what she's said It's quite clear these things will be addressed.

In addition, I can't see anything that she's written that suggests she's not sympathetic and he won't feel supported. I thought I read his solution was to ask her to replace it and she said no. Which I'm sure we both agree is reasonable. If he comes up with an alternative solution that works for her maybe she'll consider it and say yes.

I don't see not fixing things for your teenage child as being automatically unsupportive. It may be more beneficial to be sympathetic about mistakes and very supportive of their efforts to find solutions without handing the solutions out yourself!

It's possible to say no with kindness and empathy, you don't have to be an arsehole about it!

That's absolutely true. But it's not coming across from your posts.

@Imworkingonit

I'm finding some of these responses really bizarre.

Those of you that say to contact parents and negotiate the return of items/payment. Do you really think it's a good thing to model to a teen if you regret spending on a gift it's ok to ask for it back?

People saying he is kind - maybe he does do kind things but let's be honest, his reasons for spending weren't purely altruistic in this instance. He wants his friends to play the game with him and saw it as a reasonable cost to buy the kits in the hope they do. It may come off or it may not. That's life. He lost a bit of Christmas money for goodness sake which is a fortune when your a kid but not enough for a months electric in the real world. He's not given away a house or a kidney! I think some people may benefit from a bit of perspective.

let's be honest, his reasons for spending weren't purely altruistic in this instance. He wants his friends to play the game with him and saw it as a reasonable cost to buy the kits in the hope they do. It may come off or it may not. That's life.

Yes, this! He is a kind boy, he has a lovely nature. But in this instance, he wasn't being taken advantage of, or trying to buy his friends (they would certainly have prefered he spent it all on sweets, McDonalds or credit for computer games) - he was trying to encourage them to play the game he likes, so he can play it with them.

And, if they do get into it, then it'll be money well spent, in the end. (Another reason for not forcing them to give it back!). It's a gamble.

I don't see not fixing things for your teenage child as being automatically unsupportive. It may be more beneficial to be sympathetic about mistakes and very supportive of their efforts to find solutions without handing the solutions out yourself!

I agree entirely. OP's earlier posts gave no indication of this. Latterly she's suggested this actually is her approach.

Eg

I'm not going to offer him a way to make it better - then it becomes my problem not his.

In response to a poster saying could she offer him jobs to do to earn some money; however she's since clarified this is an option

Then

Reckon I'll leave it a week or so as I don't want to be swooping in to fix it for him, but yes I think it's a good time to start talking to him about budgetting.

But later, she has had supportive conversations already.

Anyway OP is happy with her approach so that's fine. I'm not sure why she posted I that case.

@EarringsandLipstick

OP, you are the one contradicting yourself.

A poster wrote:
I think it's fine to have a nice day in town with friends and fritter his money and as long as you spin it to him as 'Well yes, you can only spend your money once but if you had fun then that's also OK. Would you like me to give you some jobs to earn some money?

And you replied
No, this is still fixing it for him!

So apparently giving him the option to earn money by doing jobs is not something you are willing to do. And you regard it as 'fixing it'.

Now you say, no that's not the case at all, and this option is open to him

Which is it? I mean we cab only go on your posts & can't be expected to factor in your contradictions.

You're obviously not reading all my posts, or having trouble understanding them, though.

I explained, already, upthread, that this option is always open to him, he knows that, I've suggested it to him enough times in the past but he chooses not to.

What I'm not going ot do is smooth the way for him. If he wants to come to me and ask for jobs to get the money back, brilliant. But if I swoop in and start suggesting a programme of jobs for him to earn it back, that's still fixing it for him IMO.

he was trying to encourage them to play the game he likes, so he can play it with them.

It's a really odd dynamic that a 13 yo is happy to spend £60 on other boys, in the hope they'll like this game as much as he does.

It's also not good that they accepted this. My DC similar ages would know this isn't ok. A pal buying you a treat or a hot drink - grand & you'll get them back. Spending £60 (I know not just on one person) - no way anyone should think this is right.

Anyway, good luck to your DS. I think he sounds really lovely.

Earings, please either read all my posts and try to understand them in good faith or stop trying to pick holes in them, it's a waste of your time and mine, and exactly why I didn't post a lot of detail in the OP.

The "contradictions" you mention come from you either misinterpreting what I've said, assuming bad faith, or ignoring posts where I've clarified exactly the thing you are misunderstanding.

But if I swoop in and start suggesting a programme of jobs for him to earn it back, that's still fixing it for him IMO.

Oh FFS. Feck off with your 'not understanding'! I understand fine. You keep changing position

Saying to DS, 'you can do some jobs, as you know, for agreed amounts to earn back your money' is not swooping in

Why are you point-scoring with your son? If he doesn't want to do it, then absolutely you've done all you can.

But making a point that he knows he can ask, without suggesting it again to him, as if it was some key parenting point, is just so silly.

Anyway I see that you really just want to argue & justify your position to the apparently hard-of-thinking like me. I'll leave you to it now.

It's a really odd dynamic that a 13 yo is happy to spend £60 on other boys, in the hope they'll like this game as much as he does.

He's 13 and obsessed with this game. It's totally in character for him to want to spend money on this, in the hope his friends will like it too. It's the thing he's happiest doing and talking about. He wants to share it with his friends. I don't think that's odd at all, it's very understandable. Especially when you add ASD into the mix - it's his special subject.

Now you've said what it is I think it's great actually! Yes it means he'll be a bit behind himself in the game but having friends to play it with will pay back dividends. Budgeting advice definitely helpful for the future. But it doesn't sound like a waste of money to me. I think he's done well. DH and his friends are into computer games and it's not unheard of at all for one of them to buy everyone in the group a copy of a game that the person wants to play. Over time it gets reciprocated and they buy each other things.

It is a bit of a gamble in case the friends don't take to it but that's a good lesson to learn as well.

I don't see not fixing things for your teenage child as being automatically unsupportive. It may be more beneficial to be sympathetic about mistakes and very supportive of their efforts to find solutions without handing the solutions out yourself!

Yes, this. When I have a chat with him, I'll ask him how he plans to get the kit now, and prompt him to think it through. He does need guidance with this, especially as he has ASD and it's not always obvious to him how to think this kind of thing through. Which is why it's so important, IMO, that he starts flexing his brain around solving problems for himself (with my support) not just expecting me to do it for him.

It's all a learning experience, for all of us! I'm wondering what other basic things we need to talk through about being out in the world that he may not be aware of.

Will have a good chat with him about it at some point soon and friends, money, being out and about, all that stuff. We communicate well and we can have chats about all sorts of things, without him feeling judged, which I'm grateful for.

@BertieBotts

Now you've said what it is I think it's great actually! Yes it means he'll be a bit behind himself in the game but having friends to play it with will pay back dividends. Budgeting advice definitely helpful for the future. But it doesn't sound like a waste of money to me. I think he's done well. DH and his friends are into computer games and it's not unheard of at all for one of them to buy everyone in the group a copy of a game that the person wants to play. Over time it gets reciprocated and they buy each other things.

It is a bit of a gamble in case the friends don't take to it but that's a good lesson to learn as well.

Yes, I hope his mates do take to it, it'd be great for them to have something to do in real life together, not just hang out on computers all the time!

Are you sure the lesson to be learned here isn’t, “my child has SEN plus a group of friends who are showing signs of being prepared to take advantage of him, and he isn’t actually ready for the level of freedom I’m allowing him?”

Sorry I might have missed it but I don't think you said he has ASD before in the thread. A 13 year old with ASD needs a lot of support and guidance (I have a 13 year old with ASD myself). His friends should not have accepted this as a 'gift'. It really isn't on. You seem obsessed with the 'life lesson' and not bailing him out but he is still a child - a child who made an error and needs help to resolve it. You seem to care more about the money not that your 13 year old has been taken advantage of. Because he has. His friends should have said no. Poor kid.

Reckon I'll leave it a week or so as I don't want to be swooping in to fix it for him, but yes I think it's a good time to start talking to him about budgetting. Well it is rather late to be talking to him about budgeting, doesn't that normally start at about 5 when they get some Christmas money? Or working out if they spend their pocket money on sweets and eat them all the same day then they won't have anymore for a week.

I don't think we let them make mistakes and then explain how things work, something we can't guess they will mess up but I think planning how to spend and how to save happens well before 13 and if you haven't talked about that it is no wonder he made a mess of it.

@MiddleParking

Are you sure the lesson to be learned here isn’t, “my child has SEN plus a group of friends who are showing signs of being prepared to take advantage of him, and he isn’t actually ready for the level of freedom I’m allowing him?”

Very concise diagnosis of the issue.

@MiddleParking

Are you sure the lesson to be learned here isn’t, “my child has SEN plus a group of friends who are showing signs of being prepared to take advantage of him, and he isn’t actually ready for the level of freedom I’m allowing him?”

His friends also have mild SEN, and believe me they're not taking advantage of him!

DS's ASD take on the world sometimes really helps him navigate kids and bullying. He's practically unbullyable, because he genuinely doesn't give a fuck what people think of him. He doesn't pick up on a lot of social cues and feels no need to conform. He knows his truth and that's what matter to him, not what others thing. Social shaming doesn't work, it's like water off a ducks back to him. He's smart, too, and runs rings round most bullies. He's tall, built and plays rugby aw as well, so he's really not easy to push around.

He's 13, he's plenty old enough to go to town and go to the shops with his friends. He's high functioning autistic and has a lot of trouble convincing people he actually has a diagnosis. He's got good social skills, on the whole.

He didn't buy his friends what they wanted. He bought them what HE wanted them to have. There's a big difference there.

He's 13 but as you admit the last 2 years has meant he's missed out on alot of the steps 11 and 12 year olds normally take, quite a significant stage with the move to senior school.

I don't think we let them make mistakes and then explain how things work, something we can't guess they will mess up but I think planning how to spend and how to save happens well before 13 and if you haven't talked about that it is no wonder he made a mess of it.

Where have I said we've never talked about budgeting before?

And as far as this specific bit of money goes, we'd talked about what he wanted to spend his Christmas money on and he'd earmarked it for a bit of kit he wants. I had no idea he'd taken it to his friend's house.

13 year olds with good social skills don’t spend £60 of their £70 Christmas money on games stuff for their uninterested friends in a bid to get them interested in said game because they’re obsessed with it. And now he’s got no Christmas money and no stuff and you seem to feel that that’s a positive, worthwhile lesson for him. It just sounds like you’re a bit fixated on him doing the right things and learning the right lessons at the right time to avoid him making your mistakes, rather than parenting the kid you’ve got in front of you.

It's a negative lesson but it's a lesson.

I think he sounds like a sweetie.

@PlanktonsComputerWife

I think he sounds like a sweetie.

Thanks :) I think so too.

If you give him the opportunity to earn it back over time through chores and he say no, then that’s that really.
I don’t think that’s fixing it for him, but the point about planning and budgeting may sink in.