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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

234 replies

newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 15:21

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

OP posts:

Original poster

newnamenewyear · 21/01/2022 11:45

13 year olds with good social skills don’t spend £60 of their £70 Christmas money on games stuff for their uninterested friends in a bid to get them interested in said game because they’re obsessed with it

Ones with ASD do, obsessive interests are very much part of the condition. That's not going to change about him. If he can use his tendancy to get obsessed about a topic for good - e.g. if he can find a career that matches his interests - it could even stand him in good stead. My mum, for example, (also on the spectrum) had a career in a STEM subject which was her special interest and she did very well in it.

I suspect many scientists and other people who have made huge breakthroughs, have been driven by autistic obsession. I reckon the key is to embrace it and try to help him direct his attention to constructive subjects (he loves science, tech and table top gaming) not destructive things (anything from the murkier side of the internet, for example).

OP posts:

AmyDudley · 21/01/2022 11:55

I don;t know that I would describe having a good day out (after an awful couple of years for teens) with his chums, being generous and getting pleasure from giving, wasting some cash on bits of tat (a teenage rite of passage surely and part of the joy of hanging out with friends) as a waste.
He sounds like a lovely generous soul and a good friend - I'd be proud of him and proud I'd raised a boy who at only 13 is thinking of others before himself and taking pleasure in treating his friends. Those are excellent qualities and not easily learnt.

He has learnt that money only goes a certain distance and you have to make choices, and now he is a bit upset that he hasn't got enough to buy his hobby kit. But I would also say to him - you had fun and enjoyed the fact that your money allowed you to be a generous friends. Enjoy that experience and save for your hobby kit.
Sometimes you have to choose between different things because you don't have money for all of the stuff you want, but unless the choices you make are totally ridiculous, (and I don't think his were) then there should be no need for regret.

And I agree with PPs - maybe give him some chores to earn a bit of cash, or see if he has anything he'd like to sell on local Fb page and help him do that. He sounds like a great kid - rather like my own son who was given to generosity and kindness to friends at that age and has grown up into a wonderful man (still generous to a fault, would do anything for anyone but has a little more life experience so slightly better at budgeting !)

Original poster

newnamenewyear · 21/01/2022 12:09

@AmyDudley

I don;t know that I would describe having a good day out (after an awful couple of years for teens) with his chums, being generous and getting pleasure from giving, wasting some cash on bits of tat (a teenage rite of passage surely and part of the joy of hanging out with friends) as a waste. He sounds like a lovely generous soul and a good friend - I'd be proud of him and proud I'd raised a boy who at only 13 is thinking of others before himself and taking pleasure in treating his friends. Those are excellent qualities and not easily learnt.

What a lovely post, thank you.

I hope my DS grows up to be like yours, you must be very proud of him :)

OP posts:

ancientgran · 21/01/2022 12:24

@newnamenewyear

I don't think we let them make mistakes and then explain how things work, something we can't guess they will mess up but I think planning how to spend and how to save happens well before 13 and if you haven't talked about that it is no wonder he made a mess of it.

Where have I said we've never talked about budgeting before?

And as far as this specific bit of money goes, we'd talked about what he wanted to spend his Christmas money on and he'd earmarked it for a bit of kit he wants. I had no idea he'd taken it to his friend's house.

Where have you said you'd never talked about budgeting before? Well you said, yes I think it's a good time to start talking to him about budgetting.

You didn't say another talk, or continue talking. You specifically said it was a good time to start talking about budgeting.

ancientgran · 21/01/2022 12:28

I don't know why you posted. You aren't interested in other POV, you don't want tips on how to help him. You just know your way is perfect so rather pointless unless you just want people to come on and say wow aren't you clever.

By the way I've brought up 4, none of them have money worries, all know how to budget, one of them has a good job in finance and I never felt the need to be delighted when they made a mistake.

Poor kid.

MiddleParking · 21/01/2022 12:42

As I’m sure you’re well aware, I wasn’t saying his obsession with the game demonstrates a lack of social skills; as I said, it’s spending nearly all his money on equipment for it for his friends (who aren’t even into the game) that’s the issue. Surely you don’t want to encourage that isn’t the point of the thread that you don’t?

mcmooberry · 21/01/2022 12:53

I have a just turned 13 year old son and agree it is a timely lesson for him. Also understand the urge to make him feel better by returning some of the money, I have to fight not to do that. Hopefully he had a nice lunch too with the £10. Also hopefully his friends will get interested in the hobby (is it Yugioh cards, my son spends a LOT on those?) so all will be well. If I was one of the other boy's parents though, I would not be comfortable about the gift and would refund the money (or make my son refund it).

DanbyDale · 21/01/2022 13:23

Not delighted, but it is a life lesson for him. Spending requires decision making.

The one time I did help one of mine was when he bought a bag of pick and mix - and it took just about all of his £10.00 savings. He was heartbroken but as this was one of his first solo shopping trips he hadn't dared say to the shop assistant that he didn't want them all.

I bought half of them off him🥰

Goldenbear · 21/01/2022 13:37

I have an almost 15 year old who would buy macdonalds and hot chocolate etc for a friend and visa versa but he also goes vinyl shopping with friends and if he doesn't have any money as the records are expensive, he would never accept a record being bought for him by a friend. That said, he is two years older than your DS and he has changed quite a bit since 13 so maybe your son's friends were too immature to do the right thing and not accept.

I to think it is lovely of him and would just give him the money but then we pretty much give my DS money when he asks for it as we feel it is good he is getting out socialising and learning how to do that when they have been stuck inside due to Covid restrictions on and off for so long. I am weak as well that is something to do with it. My parents, Mum mostly always helped me out so I think it is something I've grown up with being the norm. Whereas my DH come from a wealthy family and mil is very strict about it all, in all honesty it feels about like she was holding power over us when we were younger with a baby and had holidays etc she definitely made you feel like you owed her. My Mum on the other hand never ever does this and wants to money on my DSs card so he can go out and enjoy himself with his girlfriend and friends.

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