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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

234 replies

newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 15:21

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

OP posts:
HRMtheQuern · 20/01/2022 18:52

How much pocket money does he get and what do you expect it to cover? As the parent you should really be funding hobbies

Twinklights · 20/01/2022 18:57

Very weird to be delighted about it Confused.

Kanaloa · 20/01/2022 18:58

What did he spend £70 on? I notice you haven’t answered that and it is sort of relevant in my opinion, because if it was spent in big gifts to his friends I would worry they had pressured him.

If he’s already asked you a few times to replace it it doesn’t really sound like he’s learned some great lesson here though. I would look to the future. When my kids get money at Christmas/birthdays, we always sit down together the next day and have a good chat about it, how should we spend it, how long will it last, should we put a bit in savings, will it feel good to spend it on something we really want or waste it away on sweets here and there etc. To me that’s a much better lesson because it actually teaches them how to look after money - to sit down, look at what you have, and carefully consider how to spend it. I don’t think blowing it all out then asking your mum to replace it teaches you anything but how to feel sorry for yourself once you’ve blown the money. I mean if that worked surely everyone would only make bad choices with money the one time!

Exhausteddog · 20/01/2022 19:01

Money burns a hole in DDs pocket. I suggested a few years ago we give her a monthly allowance instead of just giving her money each time she wants to go out. DH was aghast and said "but she'll probably go and spend it all on the first day she gets it"
My response was "hopefully that will only happen in month one!"
She does have a monthly allowance and she still wastes money on cheap crappy clothes she buys online but she doesn't ever seem to run out and she doesn't ask for bail outs.

Staryflight445 · 20/01/2022 19:01

It would concern me that my child felt they had to spend money on their friends?
What did he buy? (Sorry if you’ve answered this I’ll rtft in a minute)

justyoy · 20/01/2022 19:08
Rivermonsters · 20/01/2022 19:09

What did he buy?

viques · 20/01/2022 19:10

It’s a good lesson to learn about immediate gratification (which can be sweet) versus the satisfaction of saving for something you really want and buying it. £70 is a good enough sum to hurt but not so huge a sum that he won’t be able to save it up again in time.

Perhaps now is the time to talk about how he organises his money in the future, some to go into savings, some for spending. If he has pocket money then you can help him to set up appropriate accounts, if he doesn’t have pocket money or an allowance maybe this is the time to start, and giving him the chance to earn earning doing chores around the house in addition to the ones I hope he already does as a member of the household. It is never too soon to learn about how money doesn’t grow on trees!

Kshhuxnxk · 20/01/2022 19:51

Isn't that what christmas money is for - fun?

katepilar · 20/01/2022 19:57

OP, I understand how you ment your first post and plus your additional posts I think you handled the situation very well! Also in your personal circumstances I think the lesson your son is getting is more important than to people with different experience.

SuPerDoPer · 20/01/2022 19:58

It's been nearly 2 years since the first lockdown. He's had plenty of opportunities to go out since then. I'm fed up with people justifying everything with "we've been stuck inside due to covid". No you haven't.

Imworkingonit · 20/01/2022 20:27

I let my children have full responsibility for spending their own pocket/gifted money from a young age and both have had similar significant experiences.

Like you, I wasn't happy to see them sad and regretful but I do relate to being pleased at the opportunity to learn something important with a relatively small amount of money and no real hardship.

When it happened with mine I showed empathy but I didn't bail them out. We discussed budgeting, saving etc and they both came up with their own way of dealing with things.

It sounds like you have just the same attitude and although I do remember being told by others 'they would NEVER have let their children waste that much money on such stupid things' I have no regrets. They are now young adults who both spend money on items that bring them joy, don't spend outside their means and both save. They seem to be managing particularly well when compared to their friends who are only just finding their feet with money when they have rent and credit cards and the like to contend with. Personally I think you absolutely have the right attitude!

TearifficTaz · 20/01/2022 20:29

YANBU

On a side note I'm absolutely howling at how many posters don't seem to understand the meaning of the term 'delighted' in this context

MN reading ability (or lack thereof) on fine form tonight

sadpapercourtesan · 20/01/2022 20:30

@TearifficTaz

YANBU

On a side note I'm absolutely howling at how many posters don't seem to understand the meaning of the term 'delighted' in this context

MN reading ability (or lack thereof) on fine form tonight

Howling. Right.
Duchess379 · 20/01/2022 20:34

As long as you're not actually smug to his face, then yanbu. He won't squander his money so easily next time. Don't replace it, because all you're teaching him is you are the 'bank of mum'

BoredZelda · 20/01/2022 20:38

It's been nearly 2 years since the first lockdown. He's had plenty of opportunities to go out since then

Except when it started he was 11 and not of an age to do that, and these things happen by degrees over a period of time. Usually at about aged 12.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/01/2022 20:40

@TearifficTaz

YANBU

On a side note I'm absolutely howling at how many posters don't seem to understand the meaning of the term 'delighted' in this context

MN reading ability (or lack thereof) on fine form tonight

'Howling' 🙄 are you really?
GrumpyTerrier · 20/01/2022 21:03

I get it OP. You aren't delighted at the waste of money. You aren't delighted at your child's angst at having wasted his money. You aren't delighted because you are a mean and horrible mum who hates your child. You're delighted he has learned this great life lesson early on. Good for you for not replacing the money. You are doing good by your kid.

Chuechebache · 20/01/2022 21:45

You said,he spent the money mostly on his friends.why does he feel the need to spend all his money on his friends?i think you are a bit harsh with him.it would be diffetent,if he actually spent all the money for crap for himself.if he spent £70 so he will be liked by his friends,this is very sad.he needs support,rather then being punished.

newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 23:40

@katepilar

OP, I understand how you ment your first post and plus your additional posts I think you handled the situation very well! Also in your personal circumstances I think the lesson your son is getting is more important than to people with different experience.
Thank you Flowers
OP posts:
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 23:41

@Imworkingonit

I let my children have full responsibility for spending their own pocket/gifted money from a young age and both have had similar significant experiences.

Like you, I wasn't happy to see them sad and regretful but I do relate to being pleased at the opportunity to learn something important with a relatively small amount of money and no real hardship.

When it happened with mine I showed empathy but I didn't bail them out. We discussed budgeting, saving etc and they both came up with their own way of dealing with things.

It sounds like you have just the same attitude and although I do remember being told by others 'they would NEVER have let their children waste that much money on such stupid things' I have no regrets. They are now young adults who both spend money on items that bring them joy, don't spend outside their means and both save. They seem to be managing particularly well when compared to their friends who are only just finding their feet with money when they have rent and credit cards and the like to contend with. Personally I think you absolutely have the right attitude!

That's encouraging, thanks for sharing. I do need to have a think about how best to tackle budgeting with him.
OP posts:
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 23:48

@SuPerDoPer

It's been nearly 2 years since the first lockdown. He's had plenty of opportunities to go out since then. I'm fed up with people justifying everything with "we've been stuck inside due to covid". No you haven't.
Ah, stop being such an arse. Covid has been hugely disruptive to children growing up with life turned upside down, I don't know why you want to pretend it hasn't?

There have been huge stretches of time where life has been disrupted, even when we haven't been under lockdown.

When we chose DS's secondary school, one thing we really liked about it was all the clubs and extra curricular activities.

Then covid hit. In year 6, DS missed out on his school journey, good bye parties and everything they usually do to mark the end of primary school. Then they were in lockdown and he and his friends got used to hanging out on computer with each other.

Once he went to secondary, the school might have been open again for a while, but they didn't open any of the clubs and still haven't. They changed the school day to make it as short as possible, cutting their lunch hour right down to 25 minutes. That's to queue to get lunch in the canteen, eat it and supposedly get fresh air and socialise - but there's never time for it. Which isn't great for making friends at a new school.

Then they went into lockdown again. We may be out of it now, but DS and his friends have missed out on the transition from primary to secondary kids. It's made a huge difference.

OP posts:
StellaGibson118 · 20/01/2022 23:49

@TearifficTaz

YANBU

On a side note I'm absolutely howling at how many posters don't seem to understand the meaning of the term 'delighted' in this context

MN reading ability (or lack thereof) on fine form tonight

Awooooooo
newnamenewyear · 21/01/2022 00:14

It makes a difference to know what he spent it on.

See, I don't think it does, which is why I didn't say. And I know what this place is like! If you give too much detail, people will pick it apart, miss any nuance and disagree with how you see it - see dissection of the word "delighted" and certain people's determination to twist what I said and my intentions, for example!

But, for the curious, here it is.

DS spent £60 on starter kits for his main hobby obsession, but not for himself, for his friends. It's a nerdy game (not on computer, and "nerd" is a compliment in this household before you jump on me for that!) And the £10ish on food and drink.

And I know why he did it because I know him. It's not because he's trying to buy friends or feels pressured to. It's because he's bloody obsessed with this game, couldn't resist spending his money on it and wants his friends to be into it too.

So, if they do get into it, it will be money well spent as it goes, as he'd be delighted if he has some friends locally to play this game with. If they don't, well then it was a waste of money. But this will play out over a long term, he won't know for a while if they get into it or if the kits go to waste.

But the point is, when he got home, he was sad that his money was gone and wanted me to replace it. So it's irrelevant whether it ends up good in the end (and I hope it does) - what matters is that he felt regret and came to me asking me to fix it, by reimbursing him.

And I said no. And he's unhappy he has no Christmas money left.

Also, to those asking why I didn't supervise him more closely - he got a wallet for Christmas and he put his Christmas money in it.

I noticed last week he put it in his pocket before school, and asked him how much was in it. He said all his Christmas money, and he'd been doing that every day! I asked him to think about how much money he actually needs for school and sent him upstairs to put the rest of it in a safe place. (Which ended up being dumped on his desk, need to work on that!).

I had to explain to him that we don't walk around with all our money, it was a new concept to him. He's a very bright child but on the spectrum so he sometimes does need help thinking stuff through.

Anyway, last weekend, he went to his friends' house for a sleep over, and his other mate too. They went into town from there, so I didn't see him before he left, so no chance to check if he had the money he needed or whatever.

That he had that money on him, means he must have put it back in his wallet and taken it with him. I had no idea! And I don't check my DC's pockets before leaving the house, do you? Obviously I'll be wise to this now.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 21/01/2022 00:24

We’ll see I think that is relevant. He spent it buying hobby kits (presumably some sort of table top game or similar) for kids who don’t even play that game. I would say that firstly it shows a bit of a lack of control and secondly that it suggests maybe he needs more support budgeting and thinking about his money.

People are desperate to say ‘oh he’ll know better next time’ but it doesn’t really work that way. Don’t we all know someone who loves to splash the cash on payday and scrabbles round at the end of the month? I think a much better strategy would be to allow him to practice budgeting before he’s spent all his money giving things away to people. Then he can learn from feeling pleased and proud rather than regretful and disappointed. Especially with a child on the spectrum, they’re much more likely to succeed when they’re set up to succeed rather than expected to learn from failing.

I also have a boy on the spectrum so understand the difficulty. This is exactly the type of thing I imagine he would do without that preemptive support and help walking through the idea of ‘yes you like this game but your friends have their own money. How will you feel if you spend all the money then they don’t play the game/you have no money left.’

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