AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

[newnamenewyear]

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

@MiddleParking

I don’t think it’s quite as simple a process diagram as ‘£70’s worth of life lesson goes into 13 year old, sensible attitude to spending comes out of 13 year old’. I think your attitude to this is weird (and not because I don’t ‘get it’.)

This.

OP was bad with money and instead of teaching her son better, she thinks this will mean he gets there quicker!

Feels like lazy parenting to me, sorry

YANBU OP. DS is 12 and in a similar vein, getting to grips with going to McDonalds with his mates, going to the cinema etc. First time he went to McD's with his mates, he was the only one with a bank card, so paid for everyone using it, he didn't ask them for the cash in return - he does now!

When he first started getting his £30 a month allowance for his 'spends', he used to spend £2-3 every day at the over priced sweet shop on the way home from school. It took a few days to work out that £3 every school day, worked out at more than £30 a month. He now pays for his sweets with his school 'side hustle' where the 6th form pay him 50p each at break time, for him to go to the tuck shop on their behalf - he's basically running a mini Uber eats and saving his allowance for other things.

@trumpisagit

What did he spend £70 on though?

It makes a difference to know what he spent it on.

Aw My DS had something similar. He had a drone we warned him not to bring out to play with without dad, because his friends really didn't care and typically broke toys belonging to DS. He was just being kind and sharing, but honestly I'd get so pissed off when he'd come in crying because his new thing got broken due to horseplay.
Anyway, I'd put the drone away the day he snuck it out. He had been told it was too wet and too windy and that he'd not even had a proper go on it and to wait for a calm day we could go to a local field his uncle has and fly it to his hearts content but he snuck it out anyway. As I predicted, one of the the other kids grabbed the controller off him, sent it flying over trees and wastland and then just dropped the controller, and didn't give a flying fuck.

DS cried on my lap for at least an hour solid. Sobbed his little heart out.
I wanted to promise him a new, better one as soon as possible but I knew we needed this to be a life lesson so we agreed we would be in no rush to replace it. He needed to mourn the loss maybe?
It was hard to sit and not say I told you so.It was hard to listen to his wee heart breaking. And I wanted to strangle the little shit who just shrugged and skipped off home after losing it.

He got a more expensive one off Santa, months later, one that's phone-controlled. But he learned some hard and valuable wisdom that day. Like you, I thought it better for him to learn that lesson early on rather than have us rush to fix it.

I don’t think OP is over the moon about it but probably pleased that he hasn’t had the opportunity to waste much more.
It’s a natural consequence of his own actions. He spent all his money, now he can’t buy the thing he wanted. He knows better for next time. It’s a valuable lesson. My daughter expects to spend her money and have it replaced but is always told no. She still asks though!

I completely get where you are coming from, OP.

Better £70 down the drain now than £7000 on a credit card five years down the line.

@ClariceQuiff

I completely get where you are coming from, OP.

Better £70 down the drain now than £7000 on a credit card five years down the line.

There's no guarantee that still won't happen

I think you are right to stick to your guns, be sympathetic but also matter of fact about. Once the money is gone, it’s gone. I think the only thing I would do differently is that I would reimburse him for food (not sweets etc) that he had, if he had lunch at McDonalds for example. That I think is something a parent should pay, and he should not have to use his Christmas money for.

I would find out whether his friends had taken advantage and talk to him about boundaries etc. That would be my first thought because my son is autistic and I’ve had many conversations to make sure that this doesn’t happen.

Maybe you could give him some extra jobs around the house to earn the money back more quickly?

It's convenient, and a natural consequence. But, as someone also v shit with money (still am, also belatedly working with the idea that I prob have ADHD) - are you able to do any budgeting stuff with him? Sorry if that comes off as blame-y. It's not. I do think real experience is a good teacher... but if he's like me, it won't be enough to have an understanding of the situation and how it feels. My brain and impulsivity works against me, I often need physical cash and to see it reducing to stop me spending. It might be helpful to talk about how he'll always have to guard against that. Maybe I'm massively projecting. You're welcome to completely ignore me.

There's no guarantee that still won't happen

Obviously - there are no guarantees about anything - for all we know the DS might be a TikTok millionaire by the time he's 16 but I understand why the OP thinks it's better for her DS to learn this lesson at a young age with a small amount of money.

I think there's two lessons here. The first is that it's nice to treat your friends. Providing that they're not taking advantage and reciprocate, I think that it's nice that he wanted to spend money on having a fun experience with others. So I wouldn't frame it as money "wasted", I would frame it as an enjoyable (but expensive!) day out with friends. But I don't view spending money on 'experiences' as wasted and I think that generosity within limits is a great quality to have. Look on the bright side, he won't grow up to be the sort who never buys a round when it's their turn or refuses ever to let their DC have an ice cream from the ice cream van because you can get a pack of six in the shop for cheaper.

The second is that it's easy to fritter money away without realising it unless you keep track of it. So maybe suggest that next time he takes a tenner with him and leaves the rest at home unless he wants to buy something specific.

I completely get it. So many don't learn this lesson until much older when mistakes are a lot more expensive than £70. Hopefully it will have been an impactful lesson and lead to good habits. Real world experience is far more hard hitting than parental chats and lessons at school.

@Ikeabag

It's convenient, and a natural consequence. But, as someone also v shit with money (still am, also belatedly working with the idea that I prob have ADHD) - are you able to do any budgeting stuff with him? Sorry if that comes off as blame-y. It's not. I do think real experience is a good teacher... but if he's like me, it won't be enough to have an understanding of the situation and how it feels. My brain and impulsivity works against me, I often need physical cash and to see it reducing to stop me spending. It might be helpful to talk about how he'll always have to guard against that. Maybe I'm massively projecting. You're welcome to completely ignore me.

Don't worry, it's not blamey! It's a good idea.

Reckon I'll leave it a week or so as I don't want to be swooping in to fix it for him, but yes I think it's a good time to start talking to him about budgetting.

(Also something I have to work hard at - I have ADHD too - diagnosed in my 40s).

@newnamenewyear

When I was about 10 my parents went to the races and I went with them. They asked if I wanted to gamble and let me place a bet each way on the favourite with £10 I had. It was a photo finish and I was sure the horse had won.

It hadn’t 😂
I’m sure my face was a total picture when I realised that yes, really and truly, the £10 was gone and I wouldn’t get another £10. That was it.

It was a proper lesson for me.
One of several from my parents and as a result of those lessons I am pretty effortlessly excellent with money - I don’t even have to consciously think about it.

Hold tight and Do not buy him the kit.

This sounds exactly like something my DS would do...

I read it that you were delighted he was out in the world seeing people in person after all the covid lock downs even if the downside is he spent all his money. I think it's tough online but sometimes some people try to see the bad and that might be part of it instead of trying to see the positive interpretation of what you had said. I'm always chuffed to bits too when my teen goes out even if she only ends up buying mcdonalds!

I thought you were delighted because he'd had a nice time with his mates after two years of covid..

YANBU
I feel your pain, BUT this should be a really good lesson for him.

I 100% see where you're coming from OP and think you're right in not magically 'fixing' it for him...my only concern is that you've said how happy you are he spent time with his friends hanging out in real life - I just wondered is there any possibility he will think "I hung out with my friends online for 2 years and didn't lose any money - I hung out with them for 1 day outside and lost all my Christmas money." (obviously not actually 'lost' - spent/wasted but it might feel that way to him). Just wondering if this might lead to him feeling that meeting up in real life isn't worth it?

Not saying you've made the wrong decision but something you might want to bear in mind if you want him to go out more - i.e. I agree not to buy the hobby item for him, but if he asks to go out with his mates again maybe bung him a tenner (if you can afford it) rather than him having to say no because he's got no money/prefers to save his pocket money for the hobby item himself?

I’d love to know if it works and he learns from it as my youngest is currently wasting his present money

I wouldn't be delighted. I'd feel rather sad actually. It would make me question what kind of friends my daughter has that she's spending all her money on them instead of buying things for herself. Also you yourself have said they've missed out on the independence that comes from secondary school as the last two years have been shit. So don't you think perhaps you should be teaching him about budgeting etc instead of hoping he'll learn it himself?

I think it is an important lesson to learn and, it is important not to replace the money he misspent, at least not in full.

DS learned this lesson with bus passes when he stated secondary school. I replace the first he lost but he had to save for a replacement or walk to school for any other. It obviously happened again but he knew to be careful with it so didn’t happen more than two or three times into he left for uni.

I decided to take a stronger “no bailing by mum stance” by looking at my sister, who is the golden child. I have been independent since my early 20s while she still expects my parents to help her when she runs out of money despite the fact she in her forties and earns way more than my parents.

I wouldn't use the word 'delighted' here in any sense. (And I know you've explained the context)

I find it really surprising you weren't clear in advance about how much money he was taking. Especially as he hasn't had much opportunity to be out & about in 2 years.

Secondly, I think you are expecting too much of a life lesson here. It doesn't compute that spending all his money = learning a consequence that will lead him to financially savvy choices in adulthood. (I was very careful with money as a child. Parents were very clear about using my money responsibly. As a young adult, I still overspent. I don't now because I haven't got it. But I think I could still be frivolous with money given half the chance)

Finally, I really do think you should chat through what happened & actively propose tasks for him to build it up. It both helps him practically & emotionally shows you've got his back. I can't get on board at all with your view that this is bailing him out.