AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

[newnamenewyear]

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

@sadpapercourtesan

I think it's a bit mean to be delighted tbh. I agree that he'll learn a much-needed lesson from it, but I'd be sympathetic rather than gleeful. He's a young teenager and it's for you to support and scaffold him in learning to make good choices, not laugh at him when he fucks up

Yes, I've been sympathetic when talking to him about it.

He's not in trouble for it, and we've talked about how it feels rubbish to regret spending money.

I'm delighted, because I fucked up a lot with money, and was bailed out a lot, which I now think didn't help.

I'm delighted for him if he's learnt this lesson young, and not when he's older and has access to credit cards, like I did.

* But he's had very little experience of being out in the world in the last few years - certainly much, much less than I'd had at that age.*

Exactly!!

So you shouldn’t be delighted
And your dh sure as heck be cross

He got over enthusiastic. His first time out with friends and money in his pockets.

I’d buy the replacement kit on the understanding that no second chances

If he has another blow out with Christmas money…. He’s on his own with replacement kit!

@Flocon

Did his friends pressure him into spending it on them? You might want to have a word about not flashing the cash and being taken advantage of.

Yes, I did worry about this.

But we had a chat and I'm happy this didn't happen. The two friends he went with have known each other a long time.

I am very curious to what he bought. He must have come home with 20 bags if he spent it all on 'crap'. Or is your definition of 'crap' different to his. What did he buy? Clothes from Primark? 70 different products from Poundland? Or something completely normal like comic books or collectables?

I think the disapproving people are missing what the OP is delighted about. She's happy about him getting out and about and the life lesson that will hopefully make him a more mature person. She's said she's sad for him being sad. She's used the word delighted as a rhetorical device because it makes for an interesting/contrary thread title.
Hold fast, OP!

@Legoisthebest

I am very curious to what he bought. He must have come home with 20 bags if he spent it all on 'crap'. Or is your definition of 'crap' different to his. What did he buy? Clothes from Primark? 70 different products from Poundland? Or something completely normal like comic books or collectables?

TBH if he bought them all Nandos and then blew the rest on sweets/Coke/rubbish there wouldn't be much change out of £70

I'm in a similar situation with DS who is 14 - he also got lots of money for Xmas as he didn't really ask for anything specific. Unlike DH, who thinks if there is nothing he wants now he should save for when he does, I am completely fine with him "frittering" it away on coffees, McDonalds, milkshakes, cinema trips, roller skating trips etc because I am keen to encourage all that real world interaction ,and because that is what makes him happy and that is how he wants to spend his time, and he couldn't do all that for so long. It is his money and if that is how he wants to spend it I am fine with that.
Obviously it is different if your DS is unhappy with himself for "frittering" it. Mine now has a paper round and is saving up for a PC so he won't be dribbling his cash away but if he did want to, I think that would be OK. I can see how £70 in one go isn't great though.

@Toanewstart22

I’d buy the replacement kit on the understanding that no second chances

If he has another blow out with Christmas money…. He’s on his own with replacement kit!

Yes, see this is what my parents did.

If I fucked up, they'd always be there to sort it out for me.

I didn't work out not to spend money I can't afford until I'd racked up a credit card debt of thousands that I couldn't pay back and screwed my credit rating.

If I bail him out, it's a step towards that for him and I don't want him to have to be paying back debt when he's in his 30s for stupid mistakes in his 20s, like I did.

I'd much rather he did it now.

That's why I'm delighted, I'm hoping this mistake, which is small in the scheme of things, will be something that helps him avoid some of the stupid mistakes I made, which were really shit lessons to learn with thousands, rather than tens of pounds.

What did he actually buy for £70 and only 2 friends?

@StrawberrySquash

I think the disapproving people are missing what the OP is delighted about. She's happy about him getting out and about and the life lesson that will hopefully make him a more mature person. She's said she's sad for him being sad. She's used the word delighted as a rhetorical device because it makes for an interesting/contrary thread title. Hold fast, OP!

Yes, this!!

Thanks for getting it StrawberrySquash.

I didn't take this to mean that the OP was actually happy...
I'd offer maybe to meet him halfway on the cost of the kit. That way he'll still have to contribute but it won't take as long.

Oh, I do love it when OPs congratulate those who agree with them for "getting it".

I do get it. I just think it's a bit horrible. I don't experience delight when my children learn painful lessons, even though I recognise that it's a necessary part of growing up.

Op I think it's great that you are seeing the bright side of this and aren't cross / sad / upset / disappointed. That sounds very healthy to me and I'm sure you aren't laughing in his face.

Having said that it might be good to chat at least about what he spent it on and why (was there peer pressure, did he lose any of it, etc).

YABU. It's not like he did anything malicious. If my DC did this I would replace some of the money with a gentle warning, particularly as it is the first time he's done this (unless you as a family are on too low an income for this to be feasible).

I agree with PP that there are a lot of awful parents who go on about how 'tough love' (ie abuse) is good parenting.

I think the disapproving people are missing what the OP is delighted about. She's happy about him getting out and about and the life lesson that will hopefully make him a more mature person. She's said she's sad for him being sad

We can only go of what the OP has said!🤷‍♀️ she didnt say that she was sad in her Op. I understand the post but it was the OP that used the word delighted in her title and then asked if we thought that she was being ur.

I did vote yabu because of the whole 'delighted' thing. I mean I do see what you mean, but it has a slight air of 'the school of hard knocks' martyrdom about it, which grates on me.

He might learn not to let friends know when he has a lot of money as well.

I'd suggest earning it too. Washing the car, cleaning out the shed, walking neighbours dogs? Do paper rounds still exist in the digital world?

I think it’s a good lesson to learn but agree with those who mention that you could give him opportunities to earn extra through chores.

It would be good for him to learn how much time it takes to earn that money so he’s less inclined to blow it in future and also means he can still have fun with his friends - if he’s prepared to work for it!

@sadpapercourtesan

Oh, I do love it when OPs congratulate those who agree with them for "getting it".

I do get it. I just think it's a bit horrible. I don't experience delight when my children learn painful lessons, even though I recognise that it's a necessary part of growing up.

Completely agree!

But is he happy with his 'crap'? If he is perfectly happy with it all then he hasn't learned a 'life lesson'. He has spent money on things he wanted.
Tbh if this money was meant to be for a specific hobby kit I (as the parent) would have asked all the relatives to give me the money and I would have bought it and given it as a Xmas present.

What did he actually buy for his friends?

And why? It could be that his friends engineered the whole thing to get him to part with his cash, so maybe try and find out how it happened.

Also, one person's 'frittering' is another person's enjoyable memory. My DC would rather spend money on 'experiences' eg meal with friends, trip somewhere than on objects.

What on earth did he spend £70 on?