AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

[newnamenewyear]

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

I see where you are coming from but honestly this is harsh. You said it yourself..hadnt had much experience of the outside world due to covid..on the spectrum etc...hes got the message now..I would be giving him more support and direction.. not like this. Can he not work back some of this money from jobs around the house. Help him out a bit he's only 13. Have more empathy. Trust me this could backfire.

@GrumpyTerrier

I get it OP. You aren't delighted at the waste of money. You aren't delighted at your child's angst at having wasted his money. You aren't delighted because you are a mean and horrible mum who hates your child. You're delighted he has learned this great life lesson early on. Good for you for not replacing the money. You are doing good by your kid.

Has he learned a great life lesson? He spent all his money and immediately came home and repeatedly asked his mum to replace it.

He could have learned the lesson (about not wasting money) by sitting down with his Christmas money with his mum and discussing how he would spend it, then with her support to budget it enjoyed the money and felt pleased with himself for looking after it. To me that would have been ‘doing good by her kid.’

He could have learned the lesson (about not wasting money) by sitting down with his Christmas money with his mum and discussing how he would spend it as I said in the OP, he'd already said he wanted to spend it on a specific bit of kit, which sounded like a great thing to spend it on.

I had no idea he'd taken it to his friends'.

@Dreambigger

I see where you are coming from but honestly this is harsh. You said it yourself..hadnt had much experience of the outside world due to covid..on the spectrum etc...hes got the message now..I would be giving him more support and direction.. not like this. Can he not work back some of this money from jobs around the house. Help him out a bit he's only 13. Have more empathy. Trust me this could backfire.

Nope. I have ADHD, and fixing it for me was a terrible idea! Not going to do it, no matter how much I want to!

He gets pocket money and he knows he can earn money from doing jobs if he wants to.

Yes, he obviously needs support and direction, but to prevent future fuck ups, not fix this one.

@Kanaloa

We’ll see I think that is relevant. He spent it buying hobby kits (presumably some sort of table top game or similar) for kids who don’t even play that game. I would say that firstly it shows a bit of a lack of control and secondly that it suggests maybe he needs more support budgeting and thinking about his money.

People are desperate to say ‘oh he’ll know better next time’ but it doesn’t really work that way. Don’t we all know someone who loves to splash the cash on payday and scrabbles round at the end of the month? I think a much better strategy would be to allow him to practice budgeting before he’s spent all his money giving things away to people. Then he can learn from feeling pleased and proud rather than regretful and disappointed. Especially with a child on the spectrum, they’re much more likely to succeed when they’re set up to succeed rather than expected to learn from failing.

I also have a boy on the spectrum so understand the difficulty. This is exactly the type of thing I imagine he would do without that preemptive support and help walking through the idea of ‘yes you like this game but your friends have their own money. How will you feel if you spend all the money then they don’t play the game/you have no money left.’

Totally with you on talking this kind of thing through with him.

Difficult to achieve, though, im this particular example though - when he says he intends to spend it on something sensible, puts it in a safe place at my request, then takes it out of the house without telling me!

I had no prior warning they were going into town, he was at his mate's for the weekend. I heard about it after.

I'm glad he told me as he plainly needs some support with this, but tough when he says he's going to do one thing then does the other! I will of course be wary of this in future, but he's not done something like this before.

Yes in this case not much you can do as you gave him all the tools and he decided to do something different. One of those as a parent where I would be bringing it up next time he has a bit of gift money ‘remember last time and consider a bit more carefully’ type of thing. Not rubbing it in his face but just reminding him that he didn’t like it last time.

Bit daft if him really considering he’d had a good sensible idea of what to spend it on, but what can you do.

Now knowing what he bought I think you should talk to the parents of the other children. They shouldn't have accepted him buying this for them. If anyone is replacing money it should be those parents. If the products have been un used by the other children they might be able to be returned and refunded.
If I found out a friend of my child had spent £30 on them (I am assuming it was £30 each) I would be angry that my child accepted it.
I recommend talking to the parents. This doesn't sound like a 'life lesson' moment - this sounds like a child being taken advantage of.

My parents used to bail me out constantly with money as well. I never appreciated money because I knew I would always have it (my parents). It taught me nothing and at 30 I am still shite with money - albeit better and don't rely on my parents anymore obviously. But still got a shit ton of debt I wracked up in my 20s to deal with. I honestly think it was caused by never being taught the value of money and constantly bailed out.

I think this is a great life lesson for your son. Don't pay him the money back, this is a great chance to teach him that money, once spent, you won't get back. I understand the need of wanting to fix it for him, I really do but in the long run you won't be going him any favours. I also wouldn't be angry, it is his money to do with what he wants, but with that comes consequences.

It's a great life experience and hopefully a lesson. I think it's a bit controlling to be mad about it tbh. No harm done really so long as you don't fix it for him it'll be a good thing in the long run.

DS spent £60 on starter kits for his main hobby obsession, but not for himself, for his friends.

I disagree so much with you. This really is a drip feed.

It matters hugely that he spent most of his Christmas money on his friends, not himself, and not just rubbish.

He sounds lovely & kind.

However, this isn't ok. I'd be mortified if any of my DS's friends did this.

You really need to talk to the boys' parents and work this out. Return the kit, get the money back or whatever.

Then you do need to talk to DS about why he did it, good intentions but not sensible etc

And yes, give him a chance to earn back what he ends up losing.

He's still young. You said yourself he's only learning to navigate his new-found independence. Support him.

He really really doesn't sound like a kid just wasting his money carelessly. He did a kind albeit misplaced thing. Give him a bit of support & guidance

@sadpapercourtesan

I think it's a bit mean to be delighted tbh. I agree that he'll learn a much-needed lesson from it, but I'd be sympathetic rather than gleeful. He's a young teenager and it's for you to support and scaffold him in learning to make good choices, not laugh at him when he fucks up

This.

In my last post I was completely supportive of you, but I think what he spent this on changes it quite a lot plus the fact he’s On the spectrum.
Yes it’s a bad choice, but it’s very different than frittering it on shite for himself. However there is still a lesson to be learned I think. I feel quite sorry for him now, is he quite Immature? I have a 13 year old snd I know lockdown has affected her maturity and development so no judgement meant from that comment !
However, even bearing this in mind I don’t think replacing it is the right thing to do.
Maybe a structured plan of chores and spending money to earn it back?

@EarringsandLipstick

DS spent £60 on starter kits for his main hobby obsession, but not for himself, for his friends.

I disagree so much with you. This really is a drip feed.

It matters hugely that he spent most of his Christmas money on his friends, not himself, and not just rubbish.

He sounds lovely & kind.

However, this isn't ok. I'd be mortified if any of my DS's friends did this.

You really need to talk to the boys' parents and work this out. Return the kit, get the money back or whatever.

Then you do need to talk to DS about why he did it, good intentions but not sensible etc

And yes, give him a chance to earn back what he ends up losing.

He's still young. You said yourself he's only learning to navigate his new-found independence. Support him.

He really really doesn't sound like a kid just wasting his money carelessly. He did a kind albeit misplaced thing. Give him a bit of support & guidance

No way! He's 13 not 7!

As I said above, he could be off to university in just 4.5 years. How's he going to learn to manage money if I swoop in and fix it for him?

Also he'd be absolutely humiliated by this, it's babying him and extremely controlling! It'd be appropriate for a primary aged kid, but not a teenager!

I told him not to take all his money out with him, in general terms. He's decided to ignore that and it's all gone now. That's a valuable lesson. He's not in trouble - but he is having to understand the natural consequences of spending money. What's he going to learn if I override his decision and bring the money back to him?

No way! He's 13 not 7!

So what? My eldest is 14. I've a 12 and 10 yo. Of course I still provide them with supper & guidance. You sound really unkind.

How's he going to learn to manage money if I swoop in and fix it for him?

Jesus, you're not swooping in & fixing it! You are talking through what happened, ensuring he makes better decisions in future, and being supportive. Like a parent.

OP, I am just amazed you don't see more of an issue with your immature 13 yo (by your description of socialisation he's missed out on) spending almost all his Christmas money on other people. Nothing for himself. And you're essentially saying 'tough. Life lesson. Don't do it again'.

I feel really sorry for him. He made a really poor call, but from a good place. I really think you should have a proper chat & at least give him a route to earning some back. And that's not 'fixing it' either - in grown up life, adults have a choice like that, to work more for extra money.

Oh and university in 4.5 years 🙄 4.5 years is huge at this stage. He will be unrecognisable by nearly 18, a lot will change between now & then. Stop acting like he's off to university in the morning.

Support! I provide them with support & guidance. Supper too tho.

Eh? Where did I say I'm not intending to provide him with guidance and support?

I was responding to the suggestion of contacting the other children's parents and making them return the kits to him.

That would be absolutely humiliating for him. The natural consequence of spending money is you don't have money any more.

What life lesson dors it teach him if I go to the parents and make his friends give the kits back or give him money for them?

It's not teaching him responsibility or that there are consequences to his actions. It's massively controlling and punishing him by humiliating him in front of his friends and getting their families involved.

Would people really do this at 13?!

(FWIW I know one set of parents well, but never met the other ones).

At primary, sure, but at secondary I don't even know what half his mates look like. Would you really track down their parents to do this?! What if their parents are arseholes and the friends get in loads of trouble and blame DS? The drama and upset of that would override any lesson about spending money.

I'm finding some of these responses really bizarre.

Those of you that say to contact parents and negotiate the return of items/payment. Do you really think it's a good thing to model to a teen if you regret spending on a gift it's ok to ask for it back?

People saying he is kind - maybe he does do kind things but let's be honest, his reasons for spending weren't purely altruistic in this instance. He wants his friends to play the game with him and saw it as a reasonable cost to buy the kits in the hope they do. It may come off or it may not. That's life. He lost a bit of Christmas money for goodness sake which is a fortune when your a kid but not enough for a months electric in the real world. He's not given away a house or a kidney! I think some people may benefit from a bit of perspective.

Where did I say I'm not intending to provide him with guidance and support?

That was what I suggested in my post. That you quoted & then disagreed with.

From your description I don't see any evidence of you providing support.

You've told him 'tough', you won't allow him earn it back, you're not bothered thad he spent it all on his pals, not himself.

You are being so harsh in my view. He didn't just fritter it away. Also, he didn't make just a foolish choice. It's really unusual for a 13yo or any child really, to spend all their money on stuff for someone else and they let him. I would absolutely be having conversations with him about why he did this & what the nature of their friendship is.

I take your point re contacting the parents. That's your call & if it would be humiliating or upsetting, I agree, maybe not.

But I would then not expect your poor DS to suck up the loss of £60 with your 'delight'. I really don't think he's going to learn the lesson you think he will. I think there are other lessons - about friendship & self-esteem - that you are missing here.

Do you really think it's a good thing to model to a teen if you regret spending on a gift it's ok to ask for it back?

Hardly a gift. It's not like he consciously bought his pal a planned birthday present.

He went into town with a group & spent his cash buying several of them some kit

(Tho I agree asking for it back may not be possible or practicable)

He's not given away a house or a kidney

I guess we all have our own perspective but I can't get on board with your view

By OP's own description, her DS has had limited opportunity for friendship building & socialisation. He thought this was a route to that.

Misplaced and wrong but from good intentions. I just couldn't take this harsh stance & focus on lessons learnt.

He can still learn these lessons while getting some cash by cleaning the car, tidying the garden or washing windows, and is deserving of some sympathy from his mum in the process

@newnamenewyear

It's hard to resist the urge to want to fix it for him!

But I know I need to, don't I?!

Surely the way to 'fix' this is to get him to do chores and pay him per chore so that he can earn the money back sooner than just pocket money alone.

loading/unloading the dishwasher
changing the sheets on his bed (including duvet cover)
sweeping the floor
walking the dog (if you have one)
Keeping his room tidy

That sort of thing....

This happened to my DD when she was younger. She was so upset. We sat down and did a breakdown of what she had spent and on what. I 'refunded' some of it (where she had bought food for example) and she took the rest of the hit. Fast forward 10years and she is financially astute, a keen saver and financial planner and puts it down to that early intervention and learning the value of money.

It's a hard lesson, but I'd encourage you to have the detailed discussion to analyse what he's spent and to help him work out a plan/ schedule to save for his hobby purchase going forward. He will learn so much from it.

Good luck.

@EarringsandLipstick

Where did I say I'm not intending to provide him with guidance and support?

That was what I suggested in my post. That you quoted & then disagreed with.

From your description I don't see any evidence of you providing support.

You've told him 'tough', you won't allow him earn it back, you're not bothered thad he spent it all on his pals, not himself.

You are being so harsh in my view. He didn't just fritter it away. Also, he didn't make just a foolish choice. It's really unusual for a 13yo or any child really, to spend all their money on stuff for someone else and they let him. I would absolutely be having conversations with him about why he did this & what the nature of their friendship is.

I take your point re contacting the parents. That's your call & if it would be humiliating or upsetting, I agree, maybe not.

But I would then not expect your poor DS to suck up the loss of £60 with your 'delight'. I really don't think he's going to learn the lesson you think he will. I think there are other lessons - about friendship & self-esteem - that you are missing here.

See, you're just making things up to then have a go at me about!

From your description I don't see any evidence of you providing support.

The whole point of this is about supporting him, to learn how to deal with money. I've spoken to him kindly, and will continue to, about how to handle with his money and about his friendships.

You've told him 'tough', you won't allow him earn it back, you're not bothered thad he spent it all on his pals, not himself.

I've not told him tough, where did you get that from? I've simply said no, when asked to refund it.

I've not said I won't allow him to earn that back, again where are you getting this from? If you actually read my posts, you'll see that earning money from chores is an option that's always been open to him, and he chooses not to. He gets pocket money and can use that to save if he wants to.

Yes, I am bothered about what he spends his money on, which is exactly why I'm not going to enable him frittering it by fixing it for him if he fucks up.

I think it's interesting that posters are confusing saying no to a child's request to give him money, with being mean! It's possible to say no with kindness and empathy, you don't have to be an arsehole about it!

And of course I'm not running about telling him I'm delighted he's lost money! But yes if he spends £70, after I've told him he needs to keep his Christmas money safe not walk around with it all in his pocket - well yes, he needs to own that.

Much harsher IMO to humiliate him by making his friends give it back and getting them in trouble with their parents than let him experience the regret of spending money.

@catwomando

This happened to my DD when she was younger. She was so upset. We sat down and did a breakdown of what she had spent and on what. I 'refunded' some of it (where she had bought food for example) and she took the rest of the hit. Fast forward 10years and she is financially astute, a keen saver and financial planner and puts it down to that early intervention and learning the value of money.

It's a hard lesson, but I'd encourage you to have the detailed discussion to analyse what he's spent and to help him work out a plan/ schedule to save for his hobby purchase going forward. He will learn so much from it.

Good luck.

Yes, that's a good idea. I'll have a chat with home about thinking through how long it will take to save up from his pocket money, and suggest he puts some money aside each week.

See, you're just making things up to then have a go at me about!

I'm not. I'm responding to your posts & information you provided.

You seem much more interested in objecting to any counter-view than taking points on board. Which is fine. Your son, and you're the parent.

Just if you post asking AIBU, maybe consider alternative POV.