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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

234 replies

newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 15:21

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/01/2022 16:15

If he bought things for his friends to be kind because they had no money, I'd actually help him out the the hobby money.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 20/01/2022 16:16

When my daughter was about 11 she spent lots of money online to buy her friends and us Christmas presents. She had a wonderful time choosing lovely things. When she found out the total, and that she had absolutely no savings left, she cried and cried. She just didn't connect up all those different £20, £15, £5 and work out what the real cost was.

Like you, I wanted to fix it and could afford to, but it was a great lesson for her, and she's much more proportionate and really thinks through now what she spends. It is a good life lesson, well done for not interfering with natural consequences.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2022 16:17

@newnamenewyear

It's hard to resist the urge to want to fix it for him!

But I know I need to, don't I?!

I think a compromise could be reached over what he spent treating his mates. Especially if he was just being kind
BungleandGeorge · 20/01/2022 16:17

They’ve got to learn! I actually think it says something good about his character if he shared it with friends, although I see the point about keeping a watch that they’re not taking advantage

Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:18

@JaninaDuszejko

I think it's fine to have a nice day in town with friends and fritter his money and as long as you spin it to him as 'Well yes, you can only spend your money once but if you had fun then that's also OK. Would you like me to give you some jobs to earn some money?'
No, this is still fixing it for him!

My parents did this with me all the time and I was crap with money until I learnt the hard way, leaving me with loads of debt and a shit credit rating for years. I really want DS to avoid this, it was shit.

He knows I'll give him jobs for money at home, I've offered enough times in the past. He doesn't ever take me up on the offer.

I'm not going to offer him a way to make it better - then it becomes my problem not his. He's only a few years from probably leaving home and going to university or wherever (scary thought!) and he needs to learn to own his choices, not have his mum bail him out (except when it's something important - of course I am there for him if he genuinely needs me).

He gets £6.50 pocket money a week, he can save some or all that if he wants to. Or offer to do jobs, he already knows he can if he wants to, but I'm not going to smooth the way - much as I'd like to!

OP posts:
lynntheyresexswappers · 20/01/2022 16:20

@sadpapercourtesan

Oh, I do love it when OPs congratulate those who agree with them for "getting it".

I do get it. I just think it's a bit horrible. I don't experience delight when my children learn painful lessons, even though I recognise that it's a necessary part of growing up.

This. What a bloody bizarre reaction to have to your child being upset.
Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:21

@OnwardsAndSideways1

When my daughter was about 11 she spent lots of money online to buy her friends and us Christmas presents. She had a wonderful time choosing lovely things. When she found out the total, and that she had absolutely no savings left, she cried and cried. She just didn't connect up all those different £20, £15, £5 and work out what the real cost was.

Like you, I wanted to fix it and could afford to, but it was a great lesson for her, and she's much more proportionate and really thinks through now what she spends. It is a good life lesson, well done for not interfering with natural consequences.

That's reassuring to hear, thanks for sharing it. Well done for not caving!

Your DD sounds lovely, wanting to buy nice things for her friends, and well done her for learning from it.

OP posts:
sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:24

@OnwardsAndSideways1

When my daughter was about 11 she spent lots of money online to buy her friends and us Christmas presents. She had a wonderful time choosing lovely things. When she found out the total, and that she had absolutely no savings left, she cried and cried. She just didn't connect up all those different £20, £15, £5 and work out what the real cost was.

Like you, I wanted to fix it and could afford to, but it was a great lesson for her, and she's much more proportionate and really thinks through now what she spends. It is a good life lesson, well done for not interfering with natural consequences.

This happens to a lot of adults too. £10 here, £20 there. It’s easy to fritter money away.

Once it’s happened a few times you learn to be judicious, look st the whole budget.

Attitude to money is a habit. One lesson isn’t always enough, it needs to be built up.

hugr · 20/01/2022 16:25

@KittytheHare

I did vote yabu because of the whole 'delighted' thing. I mean I do see what you mean, but it has a slight air of 'the school of hard knocks' martyrdom about it, which grates on me.
Exactly. If you're "pleased" for him replace the money and let him do it again 😉
thaegumathteth · 20/01/2022 16:28

Ugh this makes me uncomfortable.

First of all. I'd have known if my dc had taken all their Christmas money with them but that's irrelevant I suppose.

I did this sometimes as a kid and my parents helped but I didn't ever have any debt apart from student loans and mortgage which were necessary evils. You're punishing him for your mistakes. It's not his fault you didn't learn your lesson.

I'm not suggesting you replace the £70 and be blase about it but I'd definitely offer him options to increase his income and I would absolutely not be delighted.

It seems very odd that it took you a very long time to learn but you expect this experience to be a magic bullet for him.

daisyjgrey · 20/01/2022 16:29

@Pleaseuniverseplease

I'm equally 'delighted' that my ds has spent his Christmas money on Roblox and Fortnite. He spent £60 on Fortnite on Christmas Day and had decided to save the rest however it was burning a hole in his pocket and his final £20 went on a PlayStation gift card yesterdayHmm. Altogether he had £150 on the 25th Dec! Nothing to show for it. I had hoped he'd put some towards the trainers he really wants. I did remind him to that now he won't be able to buy them as I certainly won't be paying £100+ and my budget will be £60.

Well, he does have 'something to show for it', it's just not in the format you 'hoped' for.

If you don't want them to have autonomy with their money, and you're going to put your own expectations into them about what you deem ok for it to be spent on, don't give them free access to the money. You're just giving them the rope to hang themselves with.

Sartre · 20/01/2022 16:31

Delighted is a bit farfetched. I think I’d be angry if DS took all of his money into town against my knowledge and blasted it on food/entertainment for his friends. Good life lesson though I suppose.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/01/2022 16:32

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

How about a third option - where you let him earn the money from doing extra chores/jobs around the house - that way he learns the value of the money and how hard it is to earn money.
I second that. I wouldn’t be ‘delighted’ about the fact that he’s spent all his cash, but at the same time, he’s had a valuable lesson. Perhaps particularly about being wary in future of freeloading friends!
TheOrigRights · 20/01/2022 16:35

I think the lesson really sinks in when they learn it through their own actions.
We can bang on about saving and spending wisely, and questioning '"do you really need that?" but (like with most life stuff), making a mistake and learning from it is going to stick more.

Cottonfrenzie · 20/01/2022 16:37

I think people are fixated on the word 'delighted.' I don't think the OP means this literally. She's just looking at the bigger picture, the valuable lesson hopefully he will learn from it. I think people are enjoying sticking the boot in tbh and they know full she's not literally thrilled about it

OP I think you are right not to replace it.

Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:37

@thaegumathteth

Ugh this makes me uncomfortable.

First of all. I'd have known if my dc had taken all their Christmas money with them but that's irrelevant I suppose.

I did this sometimes as a kid and my parents helped but I didn't ever have any debt apart from student loans and mortgage which were necessary evils. You're punishing him for your mistakes. It's not his fault you didn't learn your lesson.

I'm not suggesting you replace the £70 and be blase about it but I'd definitely offer him options to increase his income and I would absolutely not be delighted.

It seems very odd that it took you a very long time to learn but you expect this experience to be a magic bullet for him.

So if your DC get given cash, do you hold on to it for them?

I used to when they were younger, but 13 should be plenty old enough to hold on to your own money, shouldn't it?

At 13 I was being paid to babysit! (That's another scary thought! Things were different then...).

I'll certainly be more on the ball about asking how much money he's taking with him in future, but this really is something he needs to learn to manage himself (with some gentle guidance from his us) IMO.

OP posts:
PlanktonsComputerWife · 20/01/2022 16:38

Poor little sod. I'd be delighted he was a generous soul, though.

Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:38

@Cottonfrenzie

I think people are fixated on the word 'delighted.' I don't think the OP means this literally. She's just looking at the bigger picture, the valuable lesson hopefully he will learn from it. I think people are enjoying sticking the boot in tbh and they know full she's not literally thrilled about it

OP I think you are right not to replace it.

Yes, this! Thanks.
OP posts:
sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:38

@thaegumathteth

Ugh this makes me uncomfortable.

First of all. I'd have known if my dc had taken all their Christmas money with them but that's irrelevant I suppose.

I did this sometimes as a kid and my parents helped but I didn't ever have any debt apart from student loans and mortgage which were necessary evils. You're punishing him for your mistakes. It's not his fault you didn't learn your lesson.

I'm not suggesting you replace the £70 and be blase about it but I'd definitely offer him options to increase his income and I would absolutely not be delighted.

It seems very odd that it took you a very long time to learn but you expect this experience to be a magic bullet for him.

RTFT, OP has offered to pay him multiple times, he's always declined. The option is there. She's just not 'swooping in' to present it and save the day, he should know himself.
trumpisagit · 20/01/2022 16:39

What did he spend £70 on though?

Legoisthebest · 20/01/2022 16:43

Pleaseuniverse if you don't want your child to spend money on computer games items why let them have a computer/playstation? What's the point of owning a playstation if you can't buy extras for it with Christmas money? If he had asked Granny for a specific game which she bought would that be acceptable?
It's not a waste of money. It's buying something for something he already owns.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2022 16:44

It's hard to resist the urge to want to fix it for him!

FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing, and it's not as if the item he's now unable to get is an "essential"

Would it help, if you waver, to think about the damage you might cause by changing your mind? At least it's "only" £70 this time, but if he failed to learn the lesson because you'd bailed him out, it could get a whole lot worse

GiltEdges · 20/01/2022 16:49

Honestly, I think this is one massive projection OP.

My parents bailed me out constantly as a teenager because ultimately they wanted to and could afford to. As I grew up, I stopped accepting their handouts because I wanted to make my own way, which as an adult I've always done. I'm not shit with money, despite all the bad habits my parents were supposedly teaching me by helping me out when I was younger Hmm

You think you're preventing your DS from suffering the same fate as yourself, without at all accounting for the fact he's his own person with his own strengths and weaknesses. Maybe he will take after you and be shit with money, but then again maybe he won't.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 20/01/2022 16:49

God this is such an important lesson to learn and too many kids don't learn it..... Micromanaging their money for them doesnt help them. They have to learn the hard way, the earlier the better.

I grew up quite poor but with a mum who saved and discussed money that went in and out the house. Id be provided with the basics but any extras would be earned. If I blew my money that would be it and if I wanted something it was up to me to save for it.

Dp on the other hand had parents who would provide everything and would bail him out, whilst he doesnt have any debt we have a very different attitide towards money. In fact he's 45 now and this is the first year he's managed to build a savings cushion...... And that was only because covid put his job at risk. And I was very honest about the fact he had to get his act together as I wouldn't be supporting him financially if the shit did hit the fan....... He miraculously managed to save 5 grand within a year after years of living in his overdraft and paying for the privelage of accessing his own money!

MiddleParking · 20/01/2022 16:49

I don’t think it’s quite as simple a process diagram as ‘£70’s worth of life lesson goes into 13 year old, sensible attitude to spending comes out of 13 year old’. I think your attitude to this is weird (and not because I don’t ‘get it’.)