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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be delighted DS wasted all his Christmas money?

234 replies

newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 15:21

13yo DS had £70 of Christmas money from various relatives.

Given the last two years we've had with Covid he's not had a lot of experience of hanging about with his mates outside in the world - they just seem to want to be on the computer all the time, so I'm keen to encourage him to be independent and get out and do stuff.

Last weekend, he and a couple of friends went into town. I didn't realise he'd taken ALL his Christmas money with him. He spent it all on absolute crap, moatly for his friends and now has nothing to show for it. I know he wanted to buy a bit of kit for his hobby with it.

He's asked a couple of times if I'll replace it and the answer is no, of course (even though I want to!)

He's annoyed with himself, sad his money is gone and that he can't buy the bit of kit he wanted. He'll have to save up his pocket money now if he wants it.

I'm really hope he's learnt an important lesson - if you waste your money it's gone!

I hope he learns this lesson now, if so it'll be £70 well spent. I was shit with money as a young woman, I don't want him to be like I was.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 20/01/2022 15:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Emerald5hamrock · 20/01/2022 15:54

It's a life lesson, no need to sneer about it.

It's his cash It's not a huge amount and was a one off.

BiscuitLover3678 · 20/01/2022 15:54

@newnamenewyear

It's hard to resist the urge to want to fix it for him!

But I know I need to, don't I?!

You are helping him so much more by not replacing it. Trust me!
Toanewstart22 · 20/01/2022 15:56

@StrawberrySquash

I think the disapproving people are missing what the OP is delighted about. She's happy about him getting out and about and the life lesson that will hopefully make him a more mature person. She's said she's sad for him being sad. She's used the word delighted as a rhetorical device because it makes for an interesting/contrary thread title. Hold fast, OP!
* That's why I'm delighted, I'm hoping this mistake, which is small in the scheme of things, will be something that helps him avoid some of the stupid mistakes I made, which were really shit lessons to learn with thousands, rather than tens of pounds.*

I don’t get your interpretation at all

crazyjinglist · 20/01/2022 15:56

You could just teach how to budget and what's good value for money and isn't, rather than letting him waste all his money as some kind of weird lesson.

I totally disagree. Telling them that kind of thing doesn't have the same effect as experience. And why is it a question of 'letting him waste his money'? It was his money.

I also have a 13yo ds. He is allowed to spend his money on whatever he wants (unless it's something actually inappropriate or dangerous, of course). He had a phase of buying a few quite expensive things which he regretted. He now has several hundred pounds which he's slowly saved up for a specific thing he really wants and is excited that he will soon be able to afford it. It's not a weird lesson, it's a great lesson. 'What's good value for money and what isn't' is a matter of opinion, taste and perspective.

JohnKettleyIsAWeatherMan · 20/01/2022 15:59

Life lesson. Although it's nice he wanted to treat his friends.

I get where you're coming from, OP.

bcc89 · 20/01/2022 16:00

@crazyjinglist

You could just teach how to budget and what's good value for money and isn't, rather than letting him waste all his money as some kind of weird lesson.

I totally disagree. Telling them that kind of thing doesn't have the same effect as experience. And why is it a question of 'letting him waste his money'? It was his money.

I also have a 13yo ds. He is allowed to spend his money on whatever he wants (unless it's something actually inappropriate or dangerous, of course). He had a phase of buying a few quite expensive things which he regretted. He now has several hundred pounds which he's slowly saved up for a specific thing he really wants and is excited that he will soon be able to afford it. It's not a weird lesson, it's a great lesson. 'What's good value for money and what isn't' is a matter of opinion, taste and perspective.

I said teach him about money, not tell him what to buy.
Etinoxaurus · 20/01/2022 16:02

How much pocket money does he get? Assuming the hobby is wholesome Grin I’d offer to match what he can put towards it and or offer payment for chores. IKWYM, but I’ve noticed my dcs ‘get’ or ‘don’t get’ the value of money and burning a hole/ being miserly seems to be inbuilt rather than learned.

Marmelace · 20/01/2022 16:03

Did he spend it on his friend's due to low self esteem and confidence? If so, it's hardly surprising if you're the sort of parent to laugh at him!

Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:04

@Marmelace

Did he spend it on his friend's due to low self esteem and confidence? If so, it's hardly surprising if you're the sort of parent to laugh at him!
Please show me where I said I laughed at him?

FFS.

OP posts:
sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:05

Lots of people piling on without context.
OP it’s great that he’s learning a lesson cheaply - but do make sure that it’s not due to underlying issues like low self esteem.

Ninkanink · 20/01/2022 16:06

Do people have to be quite so literal about everything?? 🙄

It’s quite clear from OP’s very measured and reasonable OP that she’s not actually jumping up and down with glee about it...

MrsCremuel · 20/01/2022 16:07

I read it as the OP was delighted he’d gone out and had a good time with his friends in a way most tweens have been denied during Covid. And a bit delighted that he has learnt a valuable life lesson, not in a sneery way, but just as a parent watching their child grow and gain an understanding of the world.

sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:08

Also to add I understand what you mean, the ‘life experience’ thing. You can tell, and ‘teach’, whatever. Some kids won’t get it until they face consequences.

sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:09

@Ninkanink

Do people have to be quite so literal about everything?? 🙄

It’s quite clear from OP’s very measured and reasonable OP that she’s not actually jumping up and down with glee about it...

Yeah sometimes I think AIBU attract the worst of MN who just want to kick OP for their own pleasure.

But I’ve also received great advice on here so swings and roundabouts I guess 😎

BowerOfBramble · 20/01/2022 16:09

@sadpapercourtesan

Oh, I do love it when OPs congratulate those who agree with them for "getting it".

I do get it. I just think it's a bit horrible. I don't experience delight when my children learn painful lessons, even though I recognise that it's a necessary part of growing up.

I don't think spending all your money on things you wanted to spend it on, as part of a fun day out, counts as "painful lessons". Not exactly traumatic is it, more that just mathematically when it's gone it's gone, it's the reality we all have to live with!

The lessons bit is that money won't just be replaced by mum and dad - there are a lot of young adults who haven't learnt this. Good for you OP, but since he's clearly experiencing regret and has limited opportunities to make money at his age, if you can afford it I'd consider the odd tenner for washing the car/painting the spare room/whatever, to speed towards his new bit of kit.

Slingingcontest · 20/01/2022 16:09

@Ninkanink

Do people have to be quite so literal about everything?? 🙄

It’s quite clear from OP’s very measured and reasonable OP that she’s not actually jumping up and down with glee about it...

This is far too sensible a post Ninkanink! Smile

People can't wait to jump in and point out perceived wrong doings! It's getting ridiculous on Mumsnet atm!

ancientgran · 20/01/2022 16:09

Well he is young and as you say has less experience that a 13 year old would in normal time so I think being delighted is a bit harsh.

I think teaching him how to budget is great, has he got a bank account and a debit card? That is a great way for them to learn. He made a mistake but it sounds like he was being a nice kid, he didn't spend it all on himself.

I agree with you that you shouldn't just step in and give him money but can he earn a bit extra, do some jobs so he can save a bit faster.

HippeePrincess · 20/01/2022 16:10

It’s a good early life lesson with a minor amount of money, I’d be pleased too if he learns from it. Which he will if you don’t bail him out.

Marmelace · 20/01/2022 16:10

Expressing delight at a painful lesson is akin to laughing at.

JaninaDuszejko · 20/01/2022 16:11

I think it's fine to have a nice day in town with friends and fritter his money and as long as you spin it to him as 'Well yes, you can only spend your money once but if you had fun then that's also OK. Would you like me to give you some jobs to earn some money?'

FacebookPhotos · 20/01/2022 16:11

Some kids won’t get it until they face consequences.

That goes for plenty of adults too!

Original poster
newnamenewyear · 20/01/2022 16:12

@sanbeiji

Lots of people piling on without context. OP it’s great that he’s learning a lesson cheaply - but do make sure that it’s not due to underlying issues like low self esteem.
You're right, it's something to keep an eye on, especially if it happens again.

I think it's OK. DS can be impulsive and often really doesn't think things through, so it's not totally out of character.

OP posts:
Marmelace · 20/01/2022 16:13

And I don't believe you should replace it at all. He spent it, it's no more. But maybe he felt he had to live up to certain expectations of his friendships or maybe he just went a bit cash crazy. Explore that, but don't delight in it being a hard lesson.

StellaGibson118 · 20/01/2022 16:13

Delighted has connotations in this context as feeling smug/told you so about it. It doesnt make sense in the context otherwise. I assume thats why theres so many snotty responses.

Its a sad lesson for him to learn but a valuable one and its nice he had a good day out.