Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

[Nc123]

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

I’m not sure you should commit to another property with a man who shouts you down and won’t discuss anything reasonably

Why can't MIL move to the northwest if she's that bothered?

Where you live, especially in the circs, should be about your own family's best interests - where his DM lives shouldn't have any bearing on the decision. Moving nearer to your family sounds like a more sensible option especially considering your dm's experience with SEN.

Divorce him and move back home?

To be honest, that really upset me as normally we get on really well and very rarely argue. It’s usually when something is MIL related that he shouts.

I'm not sure what to say on this, as I would not have wanted to move nearer dh's family so I might have been your husband in this situation. Let him come up with the alternative plan, maybe?
I read on mumsnet people who don't get much support from families even when they're close geographically so I wouldn't count my chickens on that one.

Thing with these posts you only hear one side, on paper obviously yanbu. But he clearly has concerns, why does he think you will spend all the time with your family?
Does moving add hours to his commute.

It’s nice that he cares about his mum, but clearly there is a problem. Is mil able to move? Or is that not possible.

He shouldn’t be shouting at you.

It’s a difficult one as I’m sure there’s probably more to his side of the story! How would it work for your respective jobs? How would things work if his mum needed support if you move further from her? What’s the quality of life going to be like for both of you if you move/stay? Why does he think you’ll spend all your time with you our family? Would your MIL be happy to move? I know mine wouldn’t - but equally I wouldn’t want to move nearer to her, so I can see where he’s coming from on that front.

He shouldn’t shout.

What do you mean by discuss? It sounds like you’ve had the conversation - you’ve suggested moving there and given the reasons, he’s told you why he doesn’t want to. If he was posting, would he say that you’re repeatedly trying to talk him into it? Is there actually more to say on this?

I wouldn’t want to move for the reasons you’ve suggested. I’d be happy to compromise on where we live if my DH was unhappy with it, but I don’t think just moving closer to his parents would be enough of a calling to move there…I’d expect us to be able to pick some options to consider together.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

He shouldn’t shout.

What do you mean by discuss? It sounds like you’ve had the conversation - you’ve suggested moving there and given the reasons, he’s told you why he doesn’t want to. If he was posting, would he say that you’re repeatedly trying to talk him into it? Is there actually more to say on this?

I wouldn’t want to move for the reasons you’ve suggested. I’d be happy to compromise on where we live if my DH was unhappy with it, but I don’t think just moving closer to his parents would be enough of a calling to move there…I’d expect us to be able to pick some options to consider together.

I wanted to go through the options available to us - extending our current house, moving nearby, or moving to the northwest - discuss the pros and cons and make a decision based on the facts, not assumptions.

I’ve never tried to talk to him about it before. Until quite recently it would never have been an option because of my work, so this is the first time ive ever considered it.

It isn’t just about moving nearer my family but also about having a much smaller mortgage, more support, the opportunity to take our feet off the pedal and pursue some of our creative stuff, more expert support for our son who has SEN - none of this stuff would be available to us here.

@SirChenjins

It’s a difficult one as I’m sure there’s probably more to his side of the story! How would it work for your respective jobs? How would things work if his mum needed support if you move further from her? What’s the quality of life going to be like for both of you if you move/stay? Why does he think you’ll spend all your time with you our family? Would your MIL be happy to move? I know mine wouldn’t - but equally I wouldn’t want to move nearer to her, so I can see where he’s coming from on that front.

Our jobs could potentially move with us.

He would be able to visit his mum regularly, she could visit us, and my brother who travels a lot and enjoys it has said he would happily ferry MIL back and forth to us if needed. I just asked DH if his feelings would be different if MIL were also to move and he said yes, though he would still have concerns.

Our quality of life is ok here but we are busy and likely to get more so if we buy here again with a bigger mortgage to pay off. We could have a slower pace and more support in the north west which would help a lot, and less financial worries.

When we visit as a family I do often spend a lot of time socialising with the family because I don’t otherwise get the chance. It would be different if we lived there.

Why does he want to keep you so far from your family? The fact he thinks you being closer to them means you will ignore him is concerning.

There’s no right or wrong to where you should live, but no one should shout the other down. His concerns sound a bit rubbish in your OP, but perhaps he would put it differently.

Ultimately, do either of you feel strongly enough about it to end the marriage?

@Freddiefox

Thing with these posts you only hear one side, on paper obviously yanbu. But he clearly has concerns, why does he think you will spend all the time with your family? Does moving add hours to his commute.

It’s nice that he cares about his mum, but clearly there is a problem. Is mil able to move? Or is that not possible.

He shouldn’t be shouting at you.

Our jobs would go with us so there wouldn’t be a commute issue.

We visit regularly and then we do socialise a lot with my family as it’s the only time I get to see them. It would be different if we lived there.

He has said it would be different if MIL was moving there too. I think this is something we could 3xplore.

Why does he want to keep you so far from your family? The fact he thinks you being closer to them means you will ignore him is concerning.

^^
I agree with this tbh. Unless there’s some massive history of him being treated badly by your family or something.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

There’s no right or wrong to where you should live, but no one should shout the other down. His concerns sound a bit rubbish in your OP, but perhaps he would put it differently.

Ultimately, do either of you feel strongly enough about it to end the marriage?

No. If he really objected to it, we wouldn’t go. I’d be gutted to be staying here and taking on a bigger mortgage but I guess them’s the breaks.

He would be able to visit his mum regularly, she could visit us, and my brother who travels a lot and enjoys it has said he would happily ferry MIL back and forth to us if needed.

That fact that you’ve already spoken to you bil speaks volumes, particularly if you’ve only mentioned it to dh yesterday.

Where you live, especially in the circs, should be about your own family's best interests - where his DM lives shouldn't have any bearing on the decision.
But they're moving because the op wants to be near her DM, her cousin and her brother. So obviously DMs have a direct bearing on her wanting to move. She wants to move to get support for herself; her husband doesnt want to move so he can support his mother.
Your idea of only thinking about yourself is a bit selfish. Her husband is thinking about what's best for his mother, and is thinking about her best interests. We don't stop doing our best for our relatives just because we get married.

Is he shouting because he's feeling panicked at what your MIL will say/do? Is she quite controlling with him?

Does it have to be the town your family live in?
First and foremost your DH shouldn’t shout at you.

However I do not like the town my DP is from. Even if he showed me that I could buy my dream Georgian farm house wi the 50 acres and an equestrian centre for 79pence I wouldn’t live there. It’s not a conversation I’m willing to have. Equally where my family are from is too remote for most sane people and it’s not something we’d discuss.
However there are other options!
As it stands we are happy and live nowhere near either family… but you say the north west, if your DH prefers a city would you be open to Manchester/Liverpool/Carlisle (I don’t know how far north west we are talking!) which is nearer your family but is a city?

@girlmom21

Why does he want to keep you so far from your family? The fact he thinks you being closer to them means you will ignore him is concerning.

I moved to Sheffield, where I met him and where his family still live, when I was 18 for uni, and stayed there until I was offered a big promotion in Nottingham ten years later - so where we live has always been dictated by my work, pretty much. It wasn’t until very recently that moving back home started to look even possible, so it’s a very new consideration.

We visit my family every so often and when we do I do socialise with them a lot, because it’s the only opportunity I get to do so! It would be different if we lived nearby.

I’m a bit hurt by the fact that he’s completely refusing even to consider moving further away from MIL even though if we did move, he would still be a lot nearer to MIL than I am to my mum here. I would love to be closer to my mum.

@Drunkpanda

I'm not sure what to say on this, as I would not have wanted to move nearer dh's family so I might have been your husband in this situation. Let him come up with the alternative plan, maybe? I read on mumsnet people who don't get much support from families even when they're close geographically so I wouldn't count my chickens on that one.

We lived near DH’s family when we were first together, and we’re still much nearer them than we are to my family.

If it was just my mum I wouldn’t be expecting a lot of support but there is my mum, my brother (who I’m really close to) and my cousin who was brought up with me like a sister, and here there is nobody at all.

@PragmaticWench

Is he shouting because he's feeling panicked at what your MIL will say/do? Is she quite controlling with him?

They have a very codependent relationship. She has always struggled with her mental health, she’s single and she’s treated DH as a substitute husband since he was probably about six. She cried on our wedding night because he had a wife and was leaving her (I am his second wife).

He’s certainly very concerned about her even though he only sees her once every couple of months now.

@Freddiefox

He would be able to visit his mum regularly, she could visit us, and my brother who travels a lot and enjoys it has said he would happily ferry MIL back and forth to us if needed.

That fact that you’ve already spoken to you bil speaks volumes, particularly if you’ve only mentioned it to dh yesterday.

I only thought about it yesterday. I rang my brother because he’s recently made the same decision to move back and I wanted to talk through some of the ramifications with someone who had recent memory of what it was like and wouldn’t be very invested on one side or the other. My friends in Nottingham would have told me to stay, my family in the NW would tell me to move. I knew DB would tell me the truth and not pressure me.

@lastqueenofscotland

Does it have to be the town your family live in? First and foremost your DH shouldn’t shout at you.

However I do not like the town my DP is from. Even if he showed me that I could buy my dream Georgian farm house wi the 50 acres and an equestrian centre for 79pence I wouldn’t live there. It’s not a conversation I’m willing to have. Equally where my family are from is too remote for most sane people and it’s not something we’d discuss.
However there are other options!
As it stands we are happy and live nowhere near either family… but you say the north west, if your DH prefers a city would you be open to Manchester/Liverpool/Carlisle (I don’t know how far north west we are talking!) which is nearer your family but is a city?

I thought about this, but yes - if I was moving northwest I would want to be where my family are, otherwise a lot of the benefits of moving would be obviated - we wouldn’t save on mortgage or have the additional support.

If he was seeing his dm all the time I could see why he was reluctant, but since he only sees her every couple of months it's not really going to affect him much to drive a bit further is it?

I mean obviously it needs discussing sensibly, but I can see his side. You already seem to have made up your mind very quickly since having the idea? Shouting is pointless in this situation, but I suspect he may be feeling pushed into something he quite frankly doesn't want. I'm not sure the mortgage issue in my forties would really come into it for me, you have plenty of time. What if your mum became unable or unwilling to help and you don't get the support you are expecting? So getting on well with brother and cousins is great, but they probably also have their own lives so may not be as available as you expect. I definitely wouldn't want to rely on them for ferrying etc. Maybe a solution is to rent in both areas for 6 months and go from there? See how it feels to actually live that close to your family etc.