Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

[Nc123]

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

Also, if the only thing that makes it better for your child IS the family support, it doesn't sound like he values that. So perhaps not even that is plus point for him.

@billy1966

OP, You are his pension!

He is very focus on doing what suits him best.

I think you need to have a very hard realistic look at your relationship.

He sounds utterly unconcerned about YOU, YOUR workload, YOUR mental load.

Clearly he is happy to go along with things when it suits and benefits HIM.

He really doesn't sound like much of a partner.

More like someone who is controlling and hanging off your coat tails.

Agree. Sounds like you are doing the heavy lifting in this relationship in every single aspect.

You've talked here about your mum offering more support for SEN - have you talked to her about it? Does the support she could offer match what you're expecting/hoping for? I think you said she's in her 70s, so how much longer could she realistically offer that level of support?

Re moving - I don't know any of the areas you're considering, but it sounds like it would be equivalent to me moving from North London to a town in Hertfordshire. Lovely towns, but I wouldn't want to do it - better public transport here, more facilities - all these sort of things come into play. Have you looked at getting an extention to existing property? Or another city location rather than a town?

He said the area wouldn’t be as good and you've also said that's it's an "OK" town, so that's one reason. Plus it's 4 hours away, so really means starting again for him.

Then you've said that your DM can be difficult...(as is his by the sound of things, but it doesn't sound like you see her that often).

While he shouldn't shout maybe he feels that you've decided already and is panicking? Any compromise locations?

How would you feel about living with your MIL? You could put all your money together and buy a big house near your mum!

@girlmom21 pp meant that as higher earner OP would bear the brunt of the higher mortgage. Whereas moving to the NW would mean they could get a larger house with what they'll make from selling current house.

OP, your husband isn't 'abusive', but he is, like the majority of men (sorry to say) is not proactive at all. He does 'his share', but there's no forward planning, fighting for stuff, nothing.

If nothing happened you would have happily carried on as you are. But as it stands... you're divided on this issue.
What if you tell him point blank that you don't want a bigger mortgage unless he earns more, and that SEN support is hard?

I don't see why he gets to coast with 'no desire to progress' while you do most of the work. Fair enough if he did more with the kids but most of that is on you.

@Lesperance

It does sound like he doesn't want to be closer to your family as well as not wanting to leave MIL. What is actually in it for him if you were to move?

Less financial worry, the option to work part time and pursue creative endeavours, and a happier wife and kids, I guess

@NotSoLittle

You've talked here about your mum offering more support for SEN - have you talked to her about it? Does the support she could offer match what you're expecting/hoping for? I think you said she's in her 70s, so how much longer could she realistically offer that level of support?

Re moving - I don't know any of the areas you're considering, but it sounds like it would be equivalent to me moving from North London to a town in Hertfordshire. Lovely towns, but I wouldn't want to do it - better public transport here, more facilities - all these sort of things come into play. Have you looked at getting an extention to existing property? Or another city location rather than a town?

It’s more the expertise DM could offer. She’s a qualified expert SEN teacher with a specific focus in DS1’s conditions. (By coincidence). She can help with strategies and is brilliant with talking DS1 through meltdowns.

Re moving, we are considering two other options, one of which is extending this house. I wouldn’t move NW unless it was to that town - otherwise we would just be uprooting ourselves with no support.

@NotSoLittle

He said the area wouldn’t be as good and you've also said that's it's an "OK" town, so that's one reason. Plus it's 4 hours away, so really means starting again for him.

Then you've said that your DM can be difficult...(as is his by the sound of things, but it doesn't sound like you see her that often).

While he shouldn't shout maybe he feels that you've decided already and is panicking? Any compromise locations?

Yes, it would mean starting afresh for all of us really - even me as I’ve never lived there. I do get that.

@Christmas1988

How would you feel about living with your MIL? You could put all your money together and buy a big house near your mum!

With the best will in the world, that wouldn’t work. MIL has been pretty horrible to me in the past - she once called me “a bad mother and a bad wife” in front of my children. (I threw her out of the house and she didn’t come back into it till she had apologised, which took nine months)

We’ve achieved a cautious truce largely by me stopping making any effort with her altogether and avoiding her as much as possible. When she stays, I’m polite and friendly (and so is she) but I’ll do things like suggest that DH takes her out for dinner just the two of them (which she loves) or have long baths in the evening. I wouldn’t mind being nearer to MIL but we absolutely couldn’t live together, and we both know it.

The only place in the north west that is four hours from Nottingham is the west coast of Cumbria. After living in a Midlands city, living in Workington or Whitehaven will feel pretty remote and lacking in amenities and connections. Do you think that may have a bearing on your husband’s position?

[quote sanbeiji]@girlmom21 pp meant that as higher earner OP would bear the brunt of the higher mortgage. Whereas moving to the NW would mean they could get a larger house with what they'll make from selling current house.

OP, your husband isn't 'abusive', but he is, like the majority of men (sorry to say) is not proactive at all. He does 'his share', but there's no forward planning, fighting for stuff, nothing.

If nothing happened you would have happily carried on as you are. But as it stands... you're divided on this issue.
What if you tell him point blank that you don't want a bigger mortgage unless he earns more, and that SEN support is hard?

I don't see why he gets to coast with 'no desire to progress' while you do most of the work. Fair enough if he did more with the kids but most of that is on you.[/quote]
If I told him that I didn’t want a bigger mortgage unless he earned more, he would do nothing. We would stay in this house which is already too small.

He would say that it’s me that wants the bigger house, more space etc, and it’s true insofar as I want it enough to do something about it. But that wouldn’t prevent him from sticking his oar in if what I chose wasn’t exactly to his liking.

To be honest, this whole thing has made me quite sad. We are generally very happy together but this has shown up all the things about him I don’t like - the black and white thinking, the refusal to engage with anything that MIL might not immediately welcome, the unwillingness to do financial planning or to take any of the burden away from me unless it plays into something he already wants to do. I see other families look at this stuff as fun, a bit of an adventure, a chance to rise to a challenge - and I’m sad that while my marriage has many wonderful elements, Iyar does not have that,

@MasterBeth

The only place in the north west that is four hours from Nottingham is the west coast of Cumbria. After living in a Midlands city, living in Workington or Whitehaven will feel pretty remote and lacking in amenities and connections. Do you think that may have a bearing on your husband’s position?

Four hours by train - it’s not Cumbria.

@Bluebluemoon39

Why can't MIL move to the northwest if she's that bothered?

Where you live, especially in the circs, should be about your own family's best interests - where his DM lives shouldn't have any bearing on the decision. Moving nearer to your family sounds like a more sensible option especially considering your dm's experience with SEN.

Divorce him and move back home?

Why can't his MIL move further South? A post that demonstrates the MN hypocrisy, the woman shouild always have what she wants.

To me this is less about where you live and more about the fact you're drowning in working, managing your child's SEN, carrying the majority of the mental load etc with no support.

You sound resentful that your husband is coasting along being financially irresponsible (4 years' pension?!), while you're shouldering all the responsibility - and rightly so.

The thing with resentment is, without a big change, it just grows. If nothing changes, you're not going to wake up in 2 years and suddenly be okay with this - you're going to grow more and more resentful that you facilitate an easier life for him. So the changes available to you are either: he steps up, actively looking for better paid work and/or taking on much more of the mental load OR you get yourself the support and financial breathing room you need by moving closer to your mum and a cheaper area.

I think you need a bigger conversation about how you feel and maybe some counselling before you make any big family moves. You're practically waving a sign in his face that says "I don't want to be stuck doing the majority for the family and working hard til I'm 70" and he's mad because his cushy setup is under threat.

So op, your DH has moved when it suited you both on a prior occasion but this time he doesn't want to, seems like he knows exactly what will happen as do you (even tho you deny it whilst simultaneously saying you tell him to do things on his own alone time lol, and spend all your time with your family when you go there now) .
Your mind is made up already and I suppose this is what is winding him up.

@mummykel16

So op, your DH has moved when it suited you both on a prior occasion but this time he doesn't want to, seems like he knows exactly what will happen as do you (even tho you deny it whilst simultaneously saying you tell him to do things on his own alone time lol, and spend all your time with your family when you go there now) . Your mind is made up already and I suppose this is what is winding him up.

My mind is not made up. I want to talk about this properly, taking into account the massive financial implications, rather than DH just saying he doesn’t want to and so that’s an end to it.

I don’t ignore DH in favour of my family when I visit - I respond to him saying he needs alone time by suggesting he takes it.

@scarpa

To me this is less about where you live and more about the fact you're drowning in working, managing your child's SEN, carrying the majority of the mental load etc with no support.

You sound resentful that your husband is coasting along being financially irresponsible (4 years' pension?!), while you're shouldering all the responsibility - and rightly so.

The thing with resentment is, without a big change, it just grows. If nothing changes, you're not going to wake up in 2 years and suddenly be okay with this - you're going to grow more and more resentful that you facilitate an easier life for him. So the changes available to you are either: he steps up, actively looking for better paid work and/or taking on much more of the mental load OR you get yourself the support and financial breathing room you need by moving closer to your mum and a cheaper area.

I think you need a bigger conversation about how you feel and maybe some counselling before you make any big family moves. You're practically waving a sign in his face that says "I don't want to be stuck doing the majority for the family and working hard til I'm 70" and he's mad because his cushy setup is under threat.

Yes, you’re right.

Staying where we are now, whether we buy a new house or extend, is going to cost us a lot more money. Moving NW would take a huge amount of that financial worry off me. We would have the size of house we need, with the same mortgage we have now and we could start funnelling extra cash into our retirement plans.

DH is not interested in any of this. He is interested in what he wants to do and where he wants to be, and too a lesser extent he thinks the kids would find a move hard. (I agree that the transition would be hard but not insurmountable - kids could and do adapt to change every day, why not ours.)

DH has apologised for shouting and agreed to have a further conversation with me where we explore all the options available to us, pros and cons and make a decision together - basically the conversation I wanted to have the other night. So that’s going to give me the opportunity to surface some of my financial worries.

Best of luck with the next chat.

Your husband is largely doing what works best for him, you need to be very clear what is best for you.

Under any circumstances do not increase that morgage, it is not in your best interests.

You carry too much of the load.

It sounds as if he thinks he is the boss of you and has final say whilst doing the least he can get away with.

This is not good.

He doesn't have your back.

Perhaps he should consider moving back to his mother for a while and take some space and you look at the options that a going to make life sustainable for your child with SEN and you who carrys the load.

I really think you need a hard conversation because he really doesn't have your back if his priority is his mother, hence going to stay with her would give you both some space, particularly you.

Don't be bullied by him.

Such a tricky one… i can see your side and you make a lot of sense

Well your husband is rude and that’s not how a marriage should work. Sounds like a good plan to me. We can’t live our live worried about upsetting our parents. No reason MIL can’t visit etc. I moved 4hrs away 20yrs ago and I still visit my mum / friends every half term.

Thanks to everyone who has commented.

We had our second go at a conversation tonight and I surfaced some of my financial worries. It was a civil conversation, we talked through pros and cons and mitigations for the cons. His answer is still no.

He has promised to take more of a role in sharing financial planning and he accepts that by moving or extending within our current area, it would be a much bigger financial commitment and he needs to step up and contribute more to that. He has agreed to look for progression/something higher paid to share the load more evenly.

I’m really sad about this but can accept it now we’ve had a proper discussion of the facts. It will take me a while to get over though.

Perhaps wait until he actually gets a better job/progression and generally proves he’s stepping up before getting that bigger mortgage/extension whatever!

I'd give it three months. If at the end of that three month period, he has made zero effort or progress, then I would put the wheels in motion to move. And present it to him that he's welcome to stay put near MIL and visit you and the children at weekends.

If he's not prepared to compromise, and he's not prepared to step up financially and take more of the burden, then he doesn't get a say. It's as simple as that - if you are the one that is expected to carry on shouldering children, medical issues, work, finances, then he needs to accept that you will be the one making decisions on behalf of what's best for everyone, rather than what he wants.

@Tmwtgg

I'd give it three months. If at the end of that three month period, he has made zero effort or progress, then I would put the wheels in motion to move. And present it to him that he's welcome to stay put near MIL and visit you and the children at weekends.

If he's not prepared to compromise, and he's not prepared to step up financially and take more of the burden, then he doesn't get a say. It's as simple as that - if you are the one that is expected to carry on shouldering children, medical issues, work, finances, then he needs to accept that you will be the one making decisions on behalf of what's best for everyone, rather than what he wants.

I 100% agree with this.

Watch carefully to see does he follow through.

If he doesn't I think you either accept this is your life with a lazy selfish waster OR you look at making the changes in your life that would benefit you and your children.

Keep posting, you sound like a great woman.