Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

141 replies

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 13:47

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

OP posts:

2022success · 20/01/2022 15:19

Moving to NW seems to be the most sensible solution to your current issues. YANBU .

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 15:20

@ashorterday

If he was seeing his dm all the time I could see why he was reluctant, but since he only sees her every couple of months it's not really going to affect him much to drive a bit further is it?

That’s what I thought

OP posts:

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 20/01/2022 15:24

If he's not usually shouty, then I'd say that he's having a panic because he doesn't want to move, and depending on how you presented it to him, he may be thinking that you're a lot further along in this thought process than you are, especially if you told him you'd already spoken to your brother about it.

I wouldn't want to move from the area I live in, my friends are here, I like my city. I certainly wouldn't really want to go somewhere where I'll know absolutely no-one except my OH's family.

You're talking about uprooting your entire lives here, not just moving house. The MIL thing may just be a cover for the fact that he just really doesn't want to move, and doesn't know how to put it into words yet.

I'd tell him that you didn't appreciate him yelling over you, and that you want to give him a few days to think about it, and then have a calm conversation about it. Explain that your mind isn't set yet, you just want to discuss the idea.

Personally, I think if he doesn't want to move, you'll either have to suck it up or leave him. Maintaining the status quo trumps the upheaval in my opinion

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 15:25

@FindmeuptheFarawaytree

I mean obviously it needs discussing sensibly, but I can see his side. You already seem to have made up your mind very quickly since having the idea? Shouting is pointless in this situation, but I suspect he may be feeling pushed into something he quite frankly doesn't want. I'm not sure the mortgage issue in my forties would really come into it for me, you have plenty of time. What if your mum became unable or unwilling to help and you don't get the support you are expecting? So getting on well with brother and cousins is great, but they probably also have their own lives so may not be as available as you expect. I definitely wouldn't want to rely on them for ferrying etc. Maybe a solution is to rent in both areas for 6 months and go from there? See how it feels to actually live that close to your family etc.

I haven’t made up my mind, but there are very strong positives to this which DH is refusing to discuss.

D.C. are 9 and 7 so not tiny children - it would just be the occasional school pickup or babysitting request, but it would be lovely to have a break and some support (esp with the SEN). We get zero support here as we have no one so even if family didn’t support us at all, we wouldn’t have lost anything - just not gained.

We couldn’t rent temporarily as D.C. are at school - otherwise that would have been an option.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 20/01/2022 15:33

I suppose his view is that your mum has your brother and your cousin nearby, while his mum only has him.

Have you ever suspected that he wasn't keen on your family? I have to admit I'd hate to move into a situation where I was an outnumbered outsider too. Is that how he feels?
Perhaps moving his mum too would work. She might be able to free some equity to have fun with in her retirement.

godmum56 · 20/01/2022 15:35

I think having had a taste of it many years ago, that the moving closer to, away from, parents is probably not something that should be taken into primary account when moving....its often very emotive. I think you have bull at a gated this OP and while he shouldn't have shouted at you, I can see why he did. You discussed it with a family member first and your prime argument seems to be that it would get you nearer to your family. Can you see how this could look to him, especially if his mother has MH problems?
I am not saying it might not be a good idea but I do think you went about it wrong.

RedskyThisNight · 20/01/2022 15:40

Based on your timelines, you haven't actually lived in your home town since you were 18 which was over 20 years ago.
I would want to be very careful you are not chasing a "grass is greener" scenario. There are so many threads on MN where people move "home" only to find it's not all as rosy as they thought. If you've lived where you have for 10 years, you've likely built up a support network and made friends - don't underestimate the value of this and how hard it might be to form in a new place, particularly with slightly older children so you won't even get to know their friends' parents so much.

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 15:42

I really haven’t bull at a gated this. I haven’t made a decision and owing to work stuff, I wouldn’t be in a position to for a few months yet. I asked him fir a conversation about pros and cons. That’s literally all.

He doesn’t know I’ve spoken to DB (nor does anybody else). Being nearer to family is one of my arguments but the financial implications of the same mortgage for a much better house is my biggest priority.

Yes, his mother has MH problems. So do I and so does he. I’m not suggesting we leave the country, just be slightly further away.

OP posts:

muddyford · 20/01/2022 15:42

I feel for you. My family are give hours away, DH's an hour. Yet he refuses to discuss moving somewhere nearer my family. I feel despairing and increasingly isolated, despite having good friends here. I would love to be able to just meet my sister for a coffee or ramble round the shops with Mum, without it being such a big deal in terms of driving.

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 15:44

@RedskyThisNight

Based on your timelines, you haven't actually lived in your home town since you were 18 which was over 20 years ago. I would want to be very careful you are not chasing a "grass is greener" scenario. There are so many threads on MN where people move "home" only to find it's not all as rosy as they thought. If you've lived where you have for 10 years, you've likely built up a support network and made friends - don't underestimate the value of this and how hard it might be to form in a new place, particularly with slightly older children so you won't even get to know their friends' parents so much.

The town I’m looking at moving to is not my home town. I’ve never lived there - my mum moved there after I left home.

We do have friends here but not much of a support network. We would definitely need to prioritise developing a support network if we moved, you’re right.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 20/01/2022 15:46

Could you show him houses that you could afford perhaps a bedroom for mil to stay

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 15:48

@MintJulia

I suppose his view is that your mum has your brother and your cousin nearby, while his mum only has him.

You are absolutely right. That is his view. The thing is, it’s not so much about me supporting my mum as what we would get from being there. He hasn’t suggested moving nearer to MIL and it’s not like she’s round the corner here.

He is fine with my family at a distance - he loves DB - but would feel swamped if we were always with them. I am very tempted by the idea of moving MIL.

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 20/01/2022 15:59

It sounds like he doesn’t want to live in the town you’re from, you’re pushing it and when he turns around and finally says it’s a shit hole you’ll be upset. But he’s made clear that he does not want to live there. It sounds like you currently live in an energetic city area and you want to move to a town, it’s cheap for a reason

mrsm43s · 20/01/2022 16:00

His desire not to move to the NW is equally as valid and important as your desire to move to the NW.

You seem to have decided that's what you want to do. He doesn't.

He shouldn't shout (obviously), but he doesn't have to agree to a massive life changing move if he doesn't want to, and he clearly doesn't. Maybe he's happy in the local area. It's more than family, it's the community, friends, feeling settled and like you've put down roots. It's perfectly reasonable not to want to up sticks and start again somewhere new in your 40s.

Maybe look at other solutions locally, rather than uprooting your family.

Doomscrolling · 20/01/2022 16:01

You’d be uprooting your children from schools, moving them out of reach of their friends. Away from any friends and networks you and DH have, to an area that is cheaper mostly because it’s more deprived.

There are many great places in the North West, but in all honesty there are a good many towns suffering from decades of underinvestment that you couldn’t pay me enough to move back to. Recent decades haven’t been kind to it, outside the wealthy urban hubs.

That your DH responded so emphatically isn’t surprising. Moving to a completely new area where you’re the ‘native’ and he’s a ‘stranger’ isn’t all that appealing.

Twinkleylight · 20/01/2022 16:05

How old is your MIL?

WaystarRoycoCEO · 20/01/2022 16:06

I noticed in an earlier post you say that where you live has mostly been dictated by your job. So perhaps he just feels that he’s already moved to where you wanted to go and doesn’t really want to move again just because you want to??

Blossomtoes · 20/01/2022 16:08

I am very tempted by the idea of moving MIL

She’s not a piece of furniture. Why should she be asked to uproot her life to suit you? That’s VVVU.

sunshinesupermum · 20/01/2022 16:10

How do you think your MIL will react to a) your moving or/and b) her moving too?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2022 16:10

I think he's being unreasonable and really unfair to shout at you when you're trying to communicate with him. By what you said he's being very selfish, seems like it's about time you got some time near your family

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 16:25

@Twinkleylight

How old is your MIL?

71, same age as my mum and my dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 16:27

@sunshinesupermum

How do you think your MIL will react to a) your moving or/and b) her moving too?

I honestly don’t know. She’s very changeable so while she probably won’t welcome the idea of us moving, she would adjust. Except when annoyed with DH when she would probably tell him she felt abandoned.

She could move too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 16:28

@Blossomtoes

I am very tempted by the idea of moving MIL

She’s not a piece of furniture. Why should she be asked to uproot her life to suit you? That’s VVVU.

Obviously I can’t move her without her consent!

She has never uprooted her life to suit me and she never would.

I meant I was tempted by suggesting the idea to her!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nc123 · 20/01/2022 16:33

@WaystarRoycoCEO

He would say that, yes.

But the financial aspects of this opportunity are big - and it’s me who does the heavy financial lifting in this relationship. I deal with savings, financial planning, I’m the high earner, I make every penny do the work of three. It feels like he rides along when it suits him and sticks his oar in when it doesnt. This would be a huge relief and an opportunity for a much easier life for me - and he also could work less and do more creative stuff. If we buy again here we will have a big mortgage requiring full time work till he is nearly 70.

OP posts:

sanbeiji · 20/01/2022 16:34

Ok ignoring family the big issues here seem to be
a) mortgage
b) SEN

Who'll bear the brunt of this? who's the kids' primary caregiver and who's the main earner?

Fair enough if he wants to stay, but if the burden of your son i falling mainly on you he doesn't have a right to ignore it. Similar with mortgage if you don't want to have another large mortgage to pay off thhings woukd be compliacted

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6