Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

[Nc123]

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

@Dishwashersaurous

Have you spoken to him again about how unhappy and stressed you are currently

Yes. We’ve spoken about it a lot.

He’s softened his position somewhat and says he’s not ruling it out completely but isn’t keen. It will be a couple of months before we can consider moving and I think he may come round in the meantime. Houses are scarce in our area and those that are available are highly priced.

In the meantime, he’s learning a lot more about our financial situation and about our son’s SEN. I have said straight out that I’m not prepared to continue carrying the burden of financial planning, providing for our retirement etc alone, and he has agreed to do better at this.

I'm so pleased that you're talking and he's actually listening to you

Good for you OP.

You need to look after yourself as your children need you.

You need to stick to your guns and stay very firm.

You are in danger of burning out while he watches.

I'd be unhappy he is prioritising his mums future needs over your current needs. He clearly has no intention of moving and only moved his thinking this far because you've dragged him along. It's too much.

I think it's unfair to accuse him of prioritising his mum's needs when the OP is literally moving to the same place as her own mum

@Mummy1608

"I’m the main earner and we share parenting equally. But all the battling for referrals, diagnosis, liaising with schools, finding strategies ti support our son - that’s me."

It's the SEN that's wearing the OP down, and that's what I was referring to. That's the cause of the whole 'moving closer to mum as well)

ANyway the issue is solved now (I'm glad OP) but FYI

@Drunkpanda

I think it's unfair to accuse him of prioritising his mum's needs when the OP is literally moving to the same place as her own mum

For context, currently he lives just over an hour away from his mum. I live four hours away from mine. We don’t often see MIL and in practical terms she doesn’t offer support.

If we were to move, we would live in the same town as my mum and three hours away from his. So he would be an hour nearer to his mum if we moved than I am to mine now,

You chose to be in the place you are now.

I think its quite cruel that he's basically said his reason is his doesnt want to have the same "sentence" as you put it that you have. But he's happy for you to carry on having it.

@Freddiefox

He would be able to visit his mum regularly, she could visit us, and my brother who travels a lot and enjoys it has said he would happily ferry MIL back and forth to us if needed.

That fact that you’ve already spoken to you bil speaks volumes, particularly if you’ve only mentioned it to dh yesterday.

This stands out a bit - does he feel you've been 'conspiring 'behind his back and is feeling ganged up on? Even the fact that you've talking about it to your brother before him makes me wonder if his concerns re you being over involved with your family may not be unfounded

Could you move to a city that’s 2 hours away from each parent. I get both sides to be honest but I get he doesn’t want to be even further out to his mum . I wouldn’t. It certainly isn’t fair if your big family is there and Hes alone with his mum 3/4!hours away. You need to meet in the middle.

@CharlotteRose90

Could you move to a city that’s 2 hours away from each parent. I get both sides to be honest but I get he doesn’t want to be even further out to his mum . I wouldn’t. It certainly isn’t fair if your big family is there and Hes alone with his mum 3/4!hours away. You need to meet in the middle.

We would have the worst of all worlds then - no financial benefits from leaving a city, no support nearby, and the loss of our current network, so no, I don’t think that would work.

@MyDogMyLife - I answered this up thread. He doesn’t know I’ve spoken ti my brother. I spoke to DB because he’s just made the move himself, and because he would tell me the truth without being over invested in me moving or staying. He’s literally the only person who wouldn’t come down on one side or the other.

@mummykel16

You chose to be in the place you are now.

I didn’t. My work offered me a promotion with huge pay rise. Sheffield wasn’t working out for either of us, but I did offer to commute to Nottingham for the promotion. DH wanted to move and leave the dead end job he then had, as he would never have left it otherwise.

@mummykel16

You chose to be in the place you are now.

Besides we moved here ten years ago, with no mortgage and no kids and no idea that the kids we would have would have SEN. Life has massively changed since then. It no longer fits what we need.

I’m glad you had a productive conversation with your husband. We have children with Sen and moved to be near my family (MIL did live here at the time but moved). It has been nice having my parents locally. Even if they watch one of the kids when we had to go to parents evening. The emotional support helps as well. If anything it’s mainly emotional support we get.

You sound really exhausted OP. Carrying the financial load and the mental load of fighting for the things your DC needs. I hope your husband keeps to what he has promised and makes changes. I think it can be quite telling when you openly admit to a partner you’re struggling and you see what happens next. Good luck.