Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

[Nc123]

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

Ah sorry X posted!
Honestly OP if you're carrying both the financial and family weight then you should have more of a say.

He wants to stay ? Fine.
He sorts the problems.

I mean you did move for your job, in that sense he isn't a career blocker.

However oftentimes the bloke sees no reason to change because the woman's doing all the hard work, impact of a larger mortgage might also fall more on you if you have the more stressful, higher earning job. You're pinching pennies as it is

@Nc123

I really haven’t bull at a gated this. I haven’t made a decision and owing to work stuff, I wouldn’t be in a position to for a few months yet. I asked him fir a conversation about pros and cons. That’s literally all.

He doesn’t know I’ve spoken to DB (nor does anybody else). Being nearer to family is one of my arguments but the financial implications of the same mortgage for a much better house is my biggest priority.

Yes, his mother has MH problems. So do I and so does he. I’m not suggesting we leave the country, just be slightly further away.

well something triggered him if he isn't usually shouty.....

OP,

As you are the main earner and have done the heavy lifting regarding ALL of your finances do NOT even consider signing up to a larger morgage that YOU alone will be carrying.

Do not make any changes to your finances that will make life harder than you.

Does he share the house and parenting load equally with you?

@Blossomtoes

I am very tempted by the idea of moving MIL

She’s not a piece of furniture. Why should she be asked to uproot her life to suit you? That’s VVVU.

Completely this.

He moved all this way for your career. I wouldn’t be keen to move that far away side you want to, again.

You’re right in that he has to engage with you and present his arguments too.

Sounds like you need to fight for adequate for your SEN child. Having “no support” is not right.

@OniferousWasp

He moved all this way for your career. I wouldn’t be keen to move that far away side you want to, again.

You’re right in that he has to engage with you and present his arguments too.

Sounds like you need to fight for adequate for your SEN child. Having “no support” is not right.

All what way? He moved an hour away from his home town.

I am fighting for my son. He’s only just been diagnosed, but he’s very high energy and some more family support would be very welcome. DH’s family don’t help, which is their prerogative, but it’s reasonable that I should want to be near people who would help.

@billy1966

OP,

As you are the main earner and have done the heavy lifting regarding ALL of your finances do NOT even consider signing up to a larger morgage that YOU alone will be carrying.

Do not make any changes to your finances that will make life harder than you.

Does he share the house and parenting load equally with you?

Yes, he does. He does earn, so does contribute to the mortgage in that sense but he earns entry level wage and and has made it clear that he doesn’t want to progress, so the bulk of it would remain on me.

@sanbeiji

Ok ignoring family the big issues here seem to be a) mortgage b) SEN

Who'll bear the brunt of this? who's the kids' primary caregiver and who's the main earner?

Fair enough if he wants to stay, but if the burden of your son i falling mainly on you he doesn't have a right to ignore it. Similar with mortgage if you don't want to have another large mortgage to pay off thhings woukd be compliacted

I’m the main earner and we share parenting equally. But all the battling for referrals, diagnosis, liaising with schools, finding strategies ti support our son - that’s me.

My cousin was engaged to a man who came from elsewhere to live in our area. Several years passed. Then he wanted to go home and wanted her to go with him. She was furious and upset - she had always lived here and had met him here and intended to stay here. Why did he start a serious relationship with someone local if he didn’t intend to stay here? Etc. Sounds like you might be the fiancé in that situation and your husband is my cousin?

He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t)

This really jumped out at me. Why on earth would he be so fragile that spending time with your family would bother him so much. That and the shouting would really bother me as isolating you from your family is a classic abusers tactic.

What is he like in other ways?

@Alayalaya

My cousin was engaged to a man who came from elsewhere to live in our area. Several years passed. Then he wanted to go home and wanted her to go with him. She was furious and upset - she had always lived here and had met him here and intended to stay here. Why did he start a serious relationship with someone local if he didn’t intend to stay here? Etc. Sounds like you might be the fiancé in that situation and your husband is my cousin?

Not really. Neither of us are from nottingham and when we met, both living in Sheffield, I would never have thought about moving back home because it has only recently become an option. I see it more that we’re a family unit and need to think about finances, and the kind of life we want. I don’t want us to be working full time like we are now till we are nearly 70.

Can you write a list of questions to discuss and give it to him ahead of time?

Surprised a decent area in the NW is that much cheaper than an equivalent in Nottingham.

I’ll just leave that thought there

If he earns an ‘entry level wage’ and doesn’t want to progress, it’s very unfair to insist you stay where you are while you slog away til you’re nearly 70. You’d have thought the idea of a slower pace of life and cheaper housing should appeal to him no end. As a pp said, don’t be in a rush to move to a bigger mortgage if you don’t think it’s in the interest of the majority of the family. Your reasons sound compelling to move northwest, I’d have to say I agree with you. He’s had his time near his mum, isn’t it your turn now?

@goody2shooz

If he earns an ‘entry level wage’ and doesn’t want to progress, it’s very unfair to insist you stay where you are while you slog away til you’re nearly 70. You’d have thought the idea of a slower pace of life and cheaper housing should appeal to him no end. As a pp said, don’t be in a rush to move to a bigger mortgage if you don’t think it’s in the interest of the majority of the family. Your reasons sound compelling to move northwest, I’d have to say I agree with you. He’s had his time near his mum, isn’t it your turn now?

I don't think we should start suggesting that higher earners get to decide where the family lives and can opt to move their families away from their homes because they pay most of the mortgage...

@knittingaddict

He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t)

This really jumped out at me. Why on earth would he be so fragile that spending time with your family would bother him so much. That and the shouting would really bother me as isolating you from your family is a classic abusers tactic.

What is he like in other ways?

He’s not abusive.

His worry is because when we visit my family there, I do socialise with them a lot (it’s the only time I get to) and I often suggest that he take opportunities for alone tine so that he doesn’t always have to be with us, and can get a break. If I lived there I wouldn’t be in their pockets all the time.

If you are wanting to persuade him, a selection of much nicer properties on right move might help. Make it concrete.

The NW is a big area, and if you are saying you are four hours from your family while living in Nottingham now, it means you aren’t proposing to move to Manchester / Liverpool / Chester etc. As others have said, there are some lovely parts of the NW and some really not. I think it’s hard for people to comment too much without knowing the area you want to move to, but I agree with an earlier poster who points out that it’s a surprise you can get a lot more in the area you are suggesting than in Nottingham. Which does suggest maybe it’s not a great area. So is part of it that he just doesn’t want to move to this place? I am from the NW originally and would love to go back, but there are parts I wouldn’t contemplate moving to.

Your comment re: his concern you would spend all of your time with your family is also interesting. My DW’s family are very controlling. They mean well I’m sure, but I could never live near them. It would break me. If we did, they would offer loads in terms of support and my DW could write a great argument for it on an Internet forum. But it wouldn’t be worth it for the negative impact on my MH, our relationship and my children’s long term wellbeing. Especially my MIL. Is there anything in that here?

He has moved for your job before, so it’s not like he hasn’t shown willing in the past (even if you are dismissive of this as it’s only an hour). So I do think it’s important to consider why he is saying no in more detail, he clearly isn’t somebody who just refuses to consider your wishes/what’s best for the family.

So you are the main earner and you carry the mental load in finances AND your son's appointments.

YOU are carrying a huge load and he is TELLING you that he will not do anything to even things out ever.

Do NOT increase your morgage and have a serious look at your relationship.

Exactly where does he step up and lighten the load you carry?

@Shamoo

The NW is a big area, and if you are saying you are four hours from your family while living in Nottingham now, it means you aren’t proposing to move to Manchester / Liverpool / Chester etc. As others have said, there are some lovely parts of the NW and some really not. I think it’s hard for people to comment too much without knowing the area you want to move to, but I agree with an earlier poster who points out that it’s a surprise you can get a lot more in the area you are suggesting than in Nottingham. Which does suggest maybe it’s not a great area. So is part of it that he just doesn’t want to move to this place? I am from the NW originally and would love to go back, but there are parts I wouldn’t contemplate moving to.

Your comment re: his concern you would spend all of your time with your family is also interesting. My DW’s family are very controlling. They mean well I’m sure, but I could never live near them. It would break me. If we did, they would offer loads in terms of support and my DW could write a great argument for it on an Internet forum. But it wouldn’t be worth it for the negative impact on my MH, our relationship and my children’s long term wellbeing. Especially my MIL. Is there anything in that here?

He has moved for your job before, so it’s not like he hasn’t shown willing in the past (even if you are dismissive of this as it’s only an hour). So I do think it’s important to consider why he is saying no in more detail, he clearly isn’t somebody who just refuses to consider your wishes/what’s best for the family.

It’s an OK area. Where we are living currently is an up and coming area in Nottingham and prices here are much higher. We are looking at a larger 3bed here and likely to add about £100k to our mortgage doing it. In the nice parts of the NW town (and it’s much nicer than where I grew up in another NW town), we could get the larger 3 bed for what we are currently paying here.

DM is sometimes hard work but she and DH generally get on OK, whereas MIL has been very critical of me in the past. My kids would love to be nearer her too.

He moved for my job before partly because he wanted to leave the job he had at the time and make a fresh start elsewhere. While, yes, he’s moved, he wouldn’t have done it if there was nothing in it for him.

Is it that DH was 'the man of the house' for all of his formative years, that MIL makes it clear she needs him and leans on him. So what normally would be a simple discussion between them has the guilt he feels for not prioritising her and her health issues causing a stalemate they can't move forward in. Hence his over reaction.
Some counselling for DH to work on this might help.

@ashorterday

If he was seeing his dm all the time I could see why he was reluctant, but since he only sees her every couple of months it's not really going to affect him much to drive a bit further is it?

This. He's being ridiculous and doesn't have a good reason to not move. It would benefit his child, is that not a good enough reason?

@billy1966

So you are the main earner and you carry the mental load in finances AND your son's appointments.

YOU are carrying a huge load and he is TELLING you that he will not do anything to even things out ever.

Do NOT increase your morgage and have a serious look at your relationship.

Exactly where does he step up and lighten the load you carry?

He does a lot round the house, most of the cooking and half the childcare runs. He’s generally quite supportive and engaged in family life, but anything that moves stuff forward falls to me.

I also organised, arranged and found the money for our entire house refurb, any time away we have - he goes along with it but I do all the arranging. I’m very concerned about his retirement planning (four years of paying into an employee pension and nothing else).

This would be an absolute game changer and I’m so sad he won’t even consider how much easier things could be.

OP,
You are his pension!

He is very focus on doing what suits him best.

I think you need to have a very hard realistic look at your relationship.

He sounds utterly unconcerned about YOU, YOUR workload, YOUR mental load.

Clearly he is happy to go along with things when it suits and benefits HIM.

He really doesn't sound like much of a partner.

More like someone who is controlling and hanging off your coat tails.

It does sound like he doesn't want to be closer to your family as well as not wanting to leave MIL. What is actually in it for him if you were to move?