Who is BU, me or DH? House plans

[Nc123]

We bought a fixer upper house in a Nottingham suburb when I was pg with DS1, all we could afford. Ten years later and the house is too small for us and too near the shops, where teens often congregate at night and there can be trouble. We’ve refurbed the house to a saleable level now and are looking at next steps.

Prices have really risen in our area and although this means we have made money on our current house, our mortgage would double at least with a larger house in a slightly better area. We are in our forties and I dont want to take on a load more mortgage. DH also wants to move into a house that doesn’t want any work doing, which will also drive the price up.

Recently I’ve been wondering about moving back north west to live near my mum, cousin and brother. I would love to be near family, we would have much more support (including SEN support for my SEN son as my mum is a specialist SEN teacher). House prices are lower so we could get a much nicer house in a nicer area without increasing our mortgage. And I would be near my mum for the first time since I was 18.

DH is totally against this. He says the area wouldn’t be as good (it’s a town but well connected by rail) and he would be too far away from his mum, who currently lives an hour by train away. (Im four hours away from my mum; if we moved he would still be nearer to his mum when we moved than I am to my mum now). He also has concerns that I would spend all my time with family and ignore him. (I wouldn’t). Last night we tried to have a reasonable conversation to talk through the options and he shouted me down and was really rude.

All I want to do is to discuss and decide as a couple what we’re going to do - but yet again it feels like he’s decided that MIL would “feel abandoned” (he’s her only child and she’s single) and that’s his biggest point against it. It’s not like we’re living that near her now. For context, DH has a history of being driven by what MIL does and doesn’t want.

So, who is BU?

Me - for wanting to move nearer to my family
DH - for refusing to even think about it

I’ve cried and cried today.

I’m just so sad about it. I never realised how hard my life was until there was this opportunity to have a much, much easier one. My bro’s girlfriend, and my cousin’s husband, both made this decision to move there with their partners and yet my husband won’t even consider it, so I have to stay on this hamster wheel of a life. It feels like being sentenced.

DH asked me earlier what would make me feel better, and I couldn’t think of a single solitary thing apart from a lottery win.

Well you really don't have to stay where you are so bitterly unhappy do you?

@Nc123

I’ve cried and cried today.

I’m just so sad about it. I never realised how hard my life was until there was this opportunity to have a much, much easier one. My bro’s girlfriend, and my cousin’s husband, both made this decision to move there with their partners and yet my husband won’t even consider it, so I have to stay on this hamster wheel of a life. It feels like being sentenced.

DH asked me earlier what would make me feel better, and I couldn’t think of a single solitary thing apart from a lottery win.

That’s so sad You know you don’t have to stay where you are? Life is just too short to be unhappy.

OP,

You have choices.

This man is all about himself.

You need to take a deep breath and start planning.

Don't spend your life, living somewhere you don't want to be with someone who cares only for themselves.

Start planning.

Is that the way relationships work now, the highest earner says what goes or else?

Why people can't admit they have already made their mind up is beyond me.

@mummykel16

Is that the way relationships work now, the highest earner says what goes or else?

This isn’t about the higher earner but the mental load

Really doesn't read that way for the most part.
The guy already moved once to aid ops career which could be part of the reason he hasn't/can't/won't progress in his own, it's fine to say I make more so I make the decisions but be honest about it . Maybe he doesn't wanna move because he will know no one, again.
Op should just go.

@NotSoLittle

You've talked here about your mum offering more support for SEN - have you talked to her about it? Does the support she could offer match what you're expecting/hoping for? I think you said she's in her 70s, so how much longer could she realistically offer that level of support?

Re moving - I don't know any of the areas you're considering, but it sounds like it would be equivalent to me moving from North London to a town in Hertfordshire. Lovely towns, but I wouldn't want to do it - better public transport here, more facilities - all these sort of things come into play. Have you looked at getting an extention to existing property? Or another city location rather than a town?

I don't know about teaching but if the OP's Mum is 70 then I am not sure that she still counts as "qualified" I no longer keep my professional qualification up, am no longer on my professional register and can't call myself a "qualified xxx" I am not just nitpicking. The lady may not have kept up her CPD and therefore could be out of date in her knowledge and advice, depending on when she stopped working...of course if she is still in practice then this won't apply.....

My mum is qualified. She is still working part time and her CPD is up to date.

@mummykel16

Why people can't admit they have already made their mind up is beyond me.

If you’ve read the whole thread you’ll see that we’ve now had multiple discussions about it, including the pros and cons. This has solidified my view that I’d like to do this.

Things have moved on since my initial post.

Now that you've had a proper conversation about it, what are his actual reasons for not wanting to move? Does he have a strong concern about something in particular? Does he not understand how much this would lighten the pressure on your lifestyle?

You know that you need to move.

So sell the house.

And move up north for a year and rent. Do it as a trial.

And agree that if it doesn't work out that you will move back after a year.

@violetbunny

Now that you've had a proper conversation about it, what are his actual reasons for not wanting to move? Does he have a strong concern about something in particular? Does he not understand how much this would lighten the pressure on your lifestyle?

He says he’s too old to start again in a new place and wouldn’t have anything for him there. He thinks the kids wouldn’t get the same quality of provision as in Nottingham. He’s also concerned about being able to get to MIL quickly in case of an emergency, but if she moved, would still not want to.

He does understand that this would lighten the pressure but thinks I’m being overly optimistic about how much. I’m not.

He’s undertaken to find a better paid job and do more to lighten the financial load, and wants to take the burden of fighting for DS’ support off my shoulders.

Last night he said he wasn’t saying no forever, just for now, but I wasn’t having that and pointed out that DS1 is inyear 5 now and there will be no better time to move. I’m not going to be deceived into clinging on to false hope

@Dishwashersaurous

You know that you need to move.

So sell the house.

And move up north for a year and rent. Do it as a trial.

And agree that if it doesn't work out that you will move back after a year.

I couldn’t put the kids through that disruption unless it was going to be permanent.

If it was just the two of us that would be an option.

But the kids will cope.

And actually you might not be as happy as you think when you move.

Or a new job comes up somewhere else which is amazing.

Nothing in life is permanent and you can always change your mind.

Your husband needs to decide that the move is OK and making it binary is probably scaring him.

Plus if you move, and you and the kids are very much happier in every way.

But he says that he wants to move back. Then you know that he doesn't prioritise what is best for thr family.

Plus if you rent you are not tied into a mortgage. So if he decides to move back, and you don't, then you get a mortgage yourself

Just seen year 5. Absolutely move now

The decision was made before this thread was, look at the progression in the posts, there is nothing that could have changed that

But remember that green green grass is often fake.

@mummykel16

The decision was made before this thread was, look at the progression in the posts, there is nothing that could have changed that

But remember that green green grass is often fake.

I had not made the decision when I posted. My thinking has evolved over the last few days.

Do not try to tell me you know my mind better than I do.

I'm not trying to tell you anything you didn't already know

Good luck for the future op.
Keep it a happy one

@mummykel16

Is that the way relationships work now, the highest earner says what goes or else?

I must say, I was thinking this too. I think if the sexes were reversed the comments might have been different (possibly rightfully).

I earn substantially less than my DH (Actually around a third of his salary now that I work part time). If he suggested moving up north to be near his family I would also panic and yes, probably shout. Just because I earn less shouldn't mean that my feelings don't matter. And sure my MIL would be very helpful with DD. She's a lovely person, they all are. But I still would absolutely not want to be in the same town as PILs.

My in laws are clannish. (I am not clannish at all.) They have dinner with each other weekly. They pop in and walk each other's dogs. I would hate that life so much.

@Mummy1608 did you miss the part where OP’s been doing all of the running around for her SEN child, while her husband sits on his arse?

So many people distracted by the ‘higher earner’, but that’s not the point. Why does he get to choose a low stress job, but do nothing with his free mental capacity, while his wife is the main breadwinner AND mental load carrier?

[quote sanbeiji]@Mummy1608 did you miss the part where OP’s been doing all of the running around for her SEN child, while her husband sits on his arse?

So many people distracted by the ‘higher earner’, but that’s not the point. Why does he get to choose a low stress job, but do nothing with his free mental capacity, while his wife is the main breadwinner AND mental load carrier?[/quote]
She said "we share parenting equally". And I had to double check through about ten of her posts before she even mentioned that. So no, I don't think that's what's going on here

Have you spoken to him again about how unhappy and stressed you are currently