Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

If you're doing DNA, paternity tests etc done then you do them correctly, not just through an app via Ancestry which as can be seen from this thread is a bit dodgy.

But Ancestry does not market itself as a paternity testing company and never has done. That is a totally different kettle of fish.

Ancestry is not dodgy. People's understanding of Ancestry, centimorgans and interpreting DNA results most definitely can be. Ancestry kits are heavily marketed as a perfect Christmas gift and are often taken by people who have zero experience in family history research and who, when confronted with a pile of matches, have no clue where to start with it all and make basic errors like assuming paternal matches are their father. Or misreading "paternal" as "parental".

Loads of people don't even understand what terms like third cousin or second cousin once removed mean.

I am on the other side of the scenario, except in my case the man IS my biological father. I knew the likely name decades ago, but Ancestry confirmed it (he had not tested but his sister had). I have not contacted him directly (through Ancestry, anyway, I did write to him about 10 years ago but he never replied and i left it at that). I have contacted some of his cousins and they have been very interested and welcoming. But they were a bit suspicious of my motives at first, understandably.

Nailed it again @MarshmallowFondant

‘Ancestry is not dodgy. People's understanding of Ancestry, centimorgans and interpreting DNA results most definitely can be. Ancestry kits are heavily marketed as a perfect Christmas gift and are often taken by people who have zero experience in family history research and who, when confronted with a pile of matches, have no clue where to start with it all and make basic errors like assuming paternal matches are their father. Or misreading "paternal" as "parental". ‘

@LadyEloise1

I'm still wondering why they contacted *@Claire14467* instead of their "father". Very odd.

It isn't odd though @LadyEloise1, many posters have explained how it works and the way they are set up on the site. Which part makes you still wonder?

@OVienna

Most people who are given an Ancestry kit for Christmas have never heard the word "Centimorgan". When their results come in they leap to conclusions without the facts, or assume that a "paternal relation" is their father.

This is all very bizarre. I am on several DNA type pages on FB with thousands of members in some cases. People come on every day to discuss their results and what they mean.

I have never encountered someone quite as confused as the person who contacted the OP is at least being presented as. "Paternal vs Parental" - really? It's not even just being confused about the words, it's the huge psychological step it takes to finally reach out to a parent, let alone the SPOUSE of the parent as a first port of call. This is a really 'niche' approach, to say the least.

@Claire14467 take things VERY slowly here.

I can totally see how someone who is trying to find their father and signs up to one of these type of sites without knowing much about it or maybe doesn't have great literacy skills and confuses paternal with parental. That seems like a really easy mistake to make in what is probably a very emotional time

The way the contact has been explained it sounds like you send a message via the site with no personal details so all you know is that you are contacting your match. I could be wrong but you don't know who is actually the person that will read your message in the first instance.

I'm guessing it's along the lines of "I think you might be my father" rather than "Your husband is my dad"

@Mommabear20

My uncle had some contact him through this site claiming to be his son, checked the app, yes all matched, definitely his son, uncle very confused as was adamant he hadn't cheated on his wife, got an official paternity test done and turns out he wasn't the guys dad. I don't trust ancestry or any of those sites as there's so many times they've ruined peoples life's and turned out to be wrong

Can I just check you are seriously saying that Ancestry showed that this individual shared 50% DNA with your uncle but they did an external paternity test and it wasn't the case?

Or was the scenario something else and they read the results wrong?

I have matched with my birth father on two separate sites. In my case, I do have other 'evidence' but ime for something as categoric as a parent there is no chance the findings are wrong. I think there is something missing in the story here, they probably didn't match that accurately.

@givememykeys

The Ancestry results are categorised. Mine says 'Parent/child' and then lists my birth father.

The next category is 'Close Family' then 'Extended Family.'

So, I guess if this person's match is coming up under 'Close Family' they could be confused for that reason.

Because they wouldn't know there was a 'Parent/Child' category, if that makes sense....you have to have that match for that category to appear.

My closest matches are "extended family". A second cousin once removed with whom I share 177 cM and the link is through my great grandparents on my mum's side.

DNA does not lie. if you are matching with someone, there is a DNA link (leaving aside the issue with random mutations of DNA and matching with only a dozen of centimorgans)

Ancestry suggests the relationships based on your DNA numbers, the people in your family tree if you have built one on the site, and hte people in their tree. "Jane SMITH could be your third cousin through your great great grandparents John JONES and Mary BROWN" and so on.

But it's not exact and the suggestions can be wrong, especially if one person has not completed a tree. We have 4 pairs of great grandparents, 8 gg grandparents and so on. And half-relationships complicate matters even further, if an ancestor has remarried, or had an affair or something.

One thing I think it's important to mention - although I don't think for one second that it is relevant to the OPs case. Everyone likes to joke about the milkman, or "love children" or affairs and that's often the case. But not always. Unknown parentage can be caused in more sinister ways too. Many people forget that before the 60s, termination of pregnancy was illegal in the UK. Women/girls were forced to have their babies and often gave them up for adoption if they were single, whether raped, abused, or just pregnant by their boyfriends.

There have been so many stories in the press about women now quite elderly who are absolutely devastated by what happened to them and who have never come to terms with it. You never know if you do DNA what you might discover not just affecting your close family, but also aunts, uncles, cousins. All families have secrets.

It's SO important to tread with caution and although it might be really difficult, accept that people have the right not to engage with you. Not immediately leap in half-arsed with little understanding and cause huge upset as this person did to the OP yesterday.

It's SO important to tread with caution and although it might be really difficult, accept that people have the right not to engage with you. Not immediately leap in half-arsed with little understanding and cause huge upset as this person did to the OP yesterday.

^ 100%

No wonder the U.K. is in such a mess if the lack of reading comprehension, jumping to conclusions etc etc on this thread is typical.

This saying Ancestry is "dodgy", it really isn't. It is a tool, if you use it in the wrong way and without understanding what you are doing, then you might not get from it what you want, that's all.

Ancestry has allowed my husband, who did not know anything about any of his grandparents, to find out who they were, and also for him to discover a possible genetic problem in the family which is important for his children to know.

@catandcandle

This saying Ancestry is "dodgy", it really isn't. It is a tool, if you use it in the wrong way and without understanding what you are doing, then you might not get from it what you want, that's all.

This with bells on.

I do know what I'm doing with genealogy and I am learning about DNA all of the time. I have the basic knowledge to interpret DNA results and know where to go for extra help if I get stuck.

But it's complicated, and one of the biggest misconceptions is that ancestry can confidently state a relationship. They can't, all they can do is say what match there is between 2 people's DNA. It's up to you to look at your 400 cM match with an individual and work out whether it's a great aunt/uncle, a first cousin once removed, a half first cousin, a first cousin twice removed...

And if you have zero experience in family history research you're not going to be able to work that all out.

I didn't have any experience of genealogy before going on Ancestry and getting my DNA done (although I am a scientist and have a good understanding of the basics of genetics). But there is so much info out there, both on the Ancestry site itself and in many other places.

People may get clouded by emotion sometimes though, I suppose a person hoping deperately to find their bio father might just misread "paternal" for "parental" because that is what they wanted to see, and then just not look further down into the specifics of how many centimorgans etc. But if people are going to go contacting other people out of the blue they really shoud be thinking very carefully about what they are doing and ensure they have their facts straight. I mused about for several weeks (and started a discussion on MN) before I decided to make any contact with anyone. And even then I kept it vague as to who I was actually related to.

I hope you get to the bottom of it. It must be such an emotional roller coaster for all involved

@52andblue

A huge relief for the OP no doubt. Thank you for posting, it has created a very interesting chat & I have learned about the main DNA sites, what they can offer & some pitfalls too. Also about bullying- that it still exists writ large re the pejorative terms (still used in 2022!) for children born outside of wedlock, & writ small on the thread.

Agreed, and the worst of those posts has so far been allowed to stand by MNHQ.

Sorry OP you have not addressed people’s questions about how he contacted you, and how he got your details.
Are you able to explain this?
Otherwise things don’t add up at all.

@User2638483

Sorry OP you have not addressed people’s questions about how he contacted you, and how he got your details. Are you able to explain this? Otherwise things don’t add up at all.

The OP is under no obligation whatever to supply that information.

Good to see that nasty post has been deleted now.

And several of us have explained how it all works on Ancestry messaging.

Why not read the thread rather than demanding explanation from the OP?

@User2638483 that is quite rude and it adds up just fine. I administer my own DH's Ancestry account, it is even linked to my email so I am the one who gets an email from Ancestry if someone sends him a message, not him (but the messager would not know that, the Ancestry account uses his initials as the username, so they would think they are messaging him). I then open the message on the app on my own phone or computer.

@User2638483

Sorry OP you have not addressed people’s questions about how he contacted you, and how he got your details. Are you able to explain this? Otherwise things don’t add up at all.

Have you ever used Ancestry?

I have and the story makes perfect sense.

Read the thread and the multiple posts from users of Ancestry DNA who have explained how it works.

We have an ancestry subscription. Dh did it in his name and his email. But my info is out there too on the account. If someone wanted to message me it would come via DHs email. I presume this is the case for the OP. Simple.

@User2638483

Sorry OP you have not addressed people’s questions about how he contacted you, and how he got your details. Are you able to explain this? Otherwise things don’t add up at all.

It adds up perfectly! Lots of people have explained how Ancestry works. Rude.