Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

Really appreciate you updating us.

@girlmom21

OP could your DH have been a sperm donor as a student for extra cash? I can't imagine they'd keep it for 9 years but there may be another explanation

My friend and his mates did this 20 years ago as students;they'd be paid £20 a donation.

@Claire14467

Hi everyone, I am absolutely blown away by this response. Sorry for being so quiet on this - I’m sure you can imagine it has been quite a stressful evening! I haven’t had time to read everything but thank you all for your support . We have logged into ancestry and had a look at the data and it seems as if it isn’t as clear cut as the man made it out to be. It turns out that there is a link in the paternal line and we are not sure where, but clearly there has been a misunderstanding somewhere here. I am so relieved. I am going to go to bed now and tackle this all tomorrow but I didn’t want to ghost the thread. Thank you all so much.

You can see by the amount of shared dna what the relationship is. With close matches it is very accurate, as matches get further away the amount of centimorgans shared can vary . This chart gives you an idea of what the relationship might be. The higher the shared dna, the more accurate the relationship will be. thegeneticgenealogist.com/2020/03/27/version-4-0-march-2020-update-to-the-shared-cm-project/

@Claire14467 what a relief! So they did mix paternal and parental. Good luck unravelling the connection, what a rollercoaster of a day you’ve had!

That’s great news! Some people aren’t very good at the whole DNA thing. I’ve had some really weird conversations with DNA relatives who think I must know who their grandparent/parent etc is even though we share very little DNA. Hopefully it’ll become clearer tomorrow for you.

I have my DNA at both 23&Me and Ancestry. 23&Me is far better. If they told you someone was your father he actually would be.

@TracyMosby

I dont get it. Ive looked at ancestry And it is £14 a month. What is there to gain from paying that?

There is more to Ancestry than DNA. If your hobby is family history, Ancestry gives you access to masses and masses of records - census returns, first world war records, passenger lists of emigrants.

It is well worth £14 a month.

The main problem is people who don't really understand how family history works, or don't understand DNA. Ancestry gives you an ethnicity estimate, but that aspect isn't very accurate (although the larger the database, the more accurate it becomes).

There is also a lot of inaccurate information, especially posted by people whose main aim is to try to show that they are connected to royalty etc. Once something is put on the site in error, other people perpetuate it by cutting-and-pasting.

I've been contacted by someone trying to trace a father. It's clear from the centimorgans that the father must be one of my mother's cousins, but she had seven male cousins. There is no way of telling which one it is, without asking the children of the seven to do DNA tests.

@2022success

Why has he contacted you rather than your DH?

Yes this is odd. He must be lacking in basic diplomacy, sensitivity and judgment to contact the spouse of his biological parent.

Unlike people who are lacking in the ability to read the thread??

I have this on ancestry. Every line leads back to aristocracy. And so many of my ancestors seem to have migrated to America in the sixteenth century, leaving their children behind in the UK. Er, no, don't think so mate. Not in such numbers. So, you trace back to the error and start again... takes ages. Great hobby.

Thanks for updating, OP. What a relief to find that (as some pp suggested) the young man appears to have confused a paternal link with a parental link.

for you for the worry you must have felt before realising that.

I'm glad you have talked to your husband and are reassured.

@Ellowyn

I have my DNA at both 23&Me and Ancestry. 23&Me is far better. If they told you someone was your father he actually would be.

I'm thinking of doing my sisters dna for a birthday or Christmas present. Do you mind if I ask if could you tell me which of those 2 sites gave you the best/most information? And do you have to have a subscription to either of them to review the date? Thanks ever so much.

Pleased for you what a relief. This poor chap is still looking for his dad though!

Well, that's a relief.

Although I know it's been upsetting to you, I do feel for the young man a bit. He's obviously searching for his father and thought he'd found him, even if he did handle it 'a bit clumsily'.

If there is 'close enough' paternal link do you think your DH would be willing to help him figure who that link is? If it were me, I'd have to think very carefully. On one hand you have a child wanting to locate a parent. On the other hand you may have a person who has either been longing for reunion or who lives in fear of having his life blown apart. As an adoptee, I think it's a real double-edged sword.

It turns out that there is a link in the paternal line and we are not sure where, but clearly there has been a misunderstanding somewhere here.

Well thank god for that! What a stress for you OP

Glad it was not a parent child match, sorry for the dna match still not knowing the answers they seek. Was he a high match?

I'm thinking of doing my sisters dna for a birthday or Christmas present. Do you mind if I ask if could you tell me which of those 2 sites gave you the best/most information? And do you have to have a subscription to either of them to review the date? Thanks ever so much

23&Me gives you more scientific information and you can take part in studies, but it's more expensive.

With both of them, you pay for the DNA kit, send it back with your sample and several weeks later you can see the results, which includes all your DNA relatives who are also on there. I find 23&Me has better results with the genetic traits and health etc. It's updated as new research is completed. I have been with them for ten years and never paid for a subscription - just my initial cost for the DNA kit. They ask me to take part in research, which is just answering a lot of questions about my health/traits. They use it for research as they have my DNA raw data on file. You can opt out of this.

Ancestry.com can be a bit scammy. It appears I can look at my DNA info without paying additional costs, but you have to subscribe to do family tree research. I subscribed for 6 months to research my family tree only to discover I could only see US records which are no good to me as I'm British - all my family has been British going back hundreds of years. They wanted quite a bit more money for me to see the British records. I don't think much of one of their spin-off companies, Newspapers.com. There was a newspaper article I wanted to read, so I paid the fee for a month to read newspapers and went immediately back to read the article only to be told I had to upgrade $$ to read it. IT WAS THE SAME ARTICLE I JUST PAID FOR. I'm so mad about it.

I think more British people use the Ancestry DNA because I have uncles, Aunts and first cousins on Ancestry DNA but only very, very distant cousins on 23&Me. In other words, my British family don't seem to use it, maybe because it's more expensive. (I did put my sons and my fathers DNA on 23&Me).

I get frequent emails from 23&Me informing me I have new (distant) relatives or asking me to take part in research, and also informing me of new research results. I don't seem to get updates like that from the Ancestry DNA.

@elelel

A love child?

You mean 'a child' ?

What a not helpful response

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle this poster has apologised for the comment a million times over.

I’m glad for you OP. I am also totally put off dna testing by your thread!

Ancestry has access to research databases. 23andme only gives DNA info- people often select it for the health screening. And in terms of relative relationships both are equally accurate.

Op I hope it all gets cleared up soon. When my husband did his DNA test he found a half sister. The message said it may be a half sister or a niece (his brothers child) turns out it was indeed a half sister and my FIL had been playing away with a 3 year affair starting when my husband was 3.

I hope you get some answers today OP.

It's a bit shocking though that people can misinterpret relationships via these sites and potentially cause havoc in families because of it!