Think my husband has a lovechild

[Claire14467]

I am in shock and I don’t know what to do. I have just been contacted by a young man who has done an ancestry.com DNA test. He says the site indicates that there is a parental match to my husband. I know we have done these so they have our DNA on the system but I must say my husband was not keen on it at all at the time.
I am absolutely in shock. He is at work right now and I don’t know how I will face him later. Could this be wrong? Could this man be lying to get money?
Has anyone had a similar experience and got to the bottom of this?! I’m literally shaking with worry and anger.

Brilliant news OP, what a stressful evening you must have had! Hope you’re DH was ok as well

A huge relief for the OP no doubt.
Thank you for posting, it has created a very interesting chat & I have learned about the main DNA sites, what they can offer & some pitfalls too.
Also about bullying- that it still exists writ large re the pejorative terms (still used in 2022!) for children born outside of wedlock, & writ small on the thread.

What a great last post OP. I felt for you.
Hopefully you will be able to help the young man after your adrenaline levels get back to normal.

Tracing my family tree got me through lockdown. I am on 23 and me and ancestry and now have contact with distant relatives abroad and locally whom I had no idea existed. Having lived in New Zealand, the US and the Caribbean I discovered I now live within one mile of where my great and great grandparents were born and died. I have lots of mysteries still to uncover but so far it has brought much joy.

Thanks for the update, OP, and really sorry you had such a shock over something that was a complete misunderstanding.

These DNA organisations really should explain things in simple language to prevent this sort of misunderstanding.

m thinking of doing my sisters dna for a birthday or Christmas present. Do you mind if I ask if could you tell me which of those 2 sites gave you the best/most information? And do you have to have a subscription to either of them to review the date? Thanks ever so much.

Personally, I would always go for Ancestry.

It's not really "information" though, especially when you are looking at DNA. Your DNA is just a list of numbers, it's a statement rather than information. What the sites like Ancestry are doing is looking for matches in your long string of DNA numbers with other people's string of DNA numbers.

23 and Me started off more as a health testing company - do I have the gene which creates a greater risk of a certain type of cancer? They have a predominantly North American database, never really took off here in the same way.

Ancestry are in a totally different market, it's nothing about health testing at all. They are all about matching you with people who share your DNA. They have the biggest database and many more people from the UK/Ireland in it. You are more likely to get closer matches through Ancestry. Plus there is the whole other side of Ancestry where you can create your family tree and search for records to help you figure out where people fit in.

23 and Me is pure DNA testing, no records whatsoever. So you're still going to need Ancestry, FindMyPast, FamilySearch (and probably a combination of all three) to research too.

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

It's a bit shocking though that people can misinterpret relationships via these sites and potentially cause havoc in families because of it!

It's not surprising given a lot of the responses on this thread.

Most people who are given an Ancestry kit for Christmas have never heard the word "Centimorgan". When their results come in they leap to conclusions without the facts, or assume that a "paternal relation" is their father.

Hi OP

I am on ancestry and quite active on it regarding DNA and family tree.

It appears the person who made contact is a DNA match on your DH's paternal line. So he's related on that line rather than your DH being his parent. I suspect that is where the confusion lay.

Ancestry would tell you how much of a match you are and also your link (father, cousin etc). Me and my DF did it and he appears on it as my father. His cousin also appears as my second cousin. Then there's loads of 5th and 5th cousins I've never heard of but it does tell me if its on my father's line or mother's line.

HTH

Most people who are given an Ancestry kit for Christmas have never heard the word "Centimorgan". When their results come in they leap to conclusions without the facts, or assume that a "paternal relation" is their father.

This is all very bizarre. I am on several DNA type pages on FB with thousands of members in some cases. People come on every day to discuss their results and what they mean.

I have never encountered someone quite as confused as the person who contacted the OP is at least being presented as. "Paternal vs Parental" - really? It's not even just being confused about the words, it's the huge psychological step it takes to finally reach out to a parent, let alone the SPOUSE of the parent as a first port of call. This is a really 'niche' approach, to say the least.

@Claire14467 take things VERY slowly here.

Ancestry would tell you how much of a match you are and also your link (father, cousin etc). Me and my DF did it and he appears on it as my father. His cousin also appears as my second cousin. Then there's loads of 5th and 5th cousins I've never heard of but it does tell me if its on my father's line or mother's line.

Only because your Dad has tested and you have (presumably) linked to him on your tree as your Dad.

For people (like me) whose parents haven't tested through Ancestry, you will still get the suggested relationship between you and the other person, but it can't tell you whether it's on the maternal or paternal side. You can "tag" matches with maternal/paternal to help the site suggest where other people might fit in.

It's a bit shocking though that people can misinterpret relationships via these sites and potentially cause havoc in families because of it!

Absolutely!

I considered buying one of these for my DBros birthday but decided that was a can of worms that didn’t need opening

I’ve done 24 and me and found cousins all over the world
The health info is intense Brac1 and brac2 breast cancer and Parkinson’s and dementia genes as as as 50 other diseases I’ve never heard of also my muscles are not elite athletic!

@nitsandwormsdodger

I’ve done 24 and me and found cousins all over the world The health info is intense Brac1 and brac2 breast cancer and Parkinson’s and dementia genes as as as 50 other diseases I’ve never heard of also my muscles are not elite athletic!

When people say these tests 'aren't reliable' what they are talking about is often the medical screening part (and the ethnicity.)

You're cross checking whatever they've reported with your doctor, right?

@TracyMosby

I dont get it. Ive looked at ancestry And it is £14 a month. What is there to gain from paying that?

Where to start.

I spend literally hours a day on there at the moment, as well as Find My Past. There are all sorts of records on there - baptisms, marriages, census, coroners reports, newspaper articles. The list is endless.

When I first started it was a case of going to London and local archive offices. You can imagine how expensive that was. It's a luxury to sit at home and be able to research with a cup of coffee and a biscuit next to you. It's my main hobby at the moment and I love it.

But don't trust the family trees on Ancestry. Every single one I've looked at have errors, some of them obviously so. Ancestry gives you hints as to possible relevant records and some/most people seem to just add that to their tree without thinking about it. Always do your own research and check everything.

Hi @Claire14467 it’s good to see your post late last night with the update.

So a connection on the young man’s paternal line & traced back could turn out to be very interesting - could be you’ve struck some Ancestry gold 😀.

Once you have established the shared cM link between your DH & ‘new’ cousin, you may find the table I posted up yesterday of interest.

Hi @knittingaddict our paths may have crossed at the London Record Centre. Assume you busy with 1921 😀

Yes, you have be careful and check dates properly; not just make the evidence fit with what you want.

Agree there is a lot of rubbish on Ancestry.

The site is designed to make it as easy as possible to create your tree and get started - and that's great. But the downside is that the "click and collect" genealogists will just accept every single hint and never stop to think whether it's really possible that John SMITH born in Birmingham, England in 1850 was the father of Jean SMITH born in Birmingham, Alabama in 1860. Click click click - look how massive my tree is! Look how far I've got back! I'm related to William the Conqueror or Anne Boleyn!

Some trees are great, my advice is always to look at the sources/records which the user has attached to the individual and go for there. Never ever accept someone else's research without verifying it first.

My uncle had some contact him through this site claiming to be his son, checked the app, yes all matched, definitely his son, uncle very confused as was adamant he hadn't cheated on his wife, got an official paternity test done and turns out he wasn't the guys dad. I don't trust ancestry or any of those sites as there's so many times they've ruined peoples life's and turned out to be wrong

I'm still wondering why they contacted @Claire14467 instead of their "father".
Very odd.

@StopStartStop

I have this on ancestry. Every line leads back to aristocracy. And so many of my ancestors seem to have migrated to America in the sixteenth century, leaving their children behind in the UK. Er, no, don't think so mate. Not in such numbers. So, you trace back to the error and start again... takes ages. Great hobby.

@StopStartStop - we've got a cousin in USA through my great aunt who emigrated to Canada (great aunt long since dead) who was looking into family history on Ancestry.

He seemed determined to be able to prove us right re certain aspects of my nana's (GA's sister) heritage/lineage and wanted to go onto Ancestry and pay for this (my DM was reluctant to spend so much money), so we were quite happy to say no to him.

@LadyEloise1

I'm still wondering why they contacted *@Claire14467* instead of their "father". Very odd.

Maybe try reading the thread?

@Mommabear20

My uncle had some contact him through this site claiming to be his son, checked the app, yes all matched, definitely his son, uncle very confused as was adamant he hadn't cheated on his wife, got an official paternity test done and turns out he wasn't the guys dad. I don't trust ancestry or any of those sites as there's so many times they've ruined peoples life's and turned out to be wrong

@Mommabear20 - that is seriously messed up and if Ancestry are doing this I'd be slightly concerned if I were them because someone with money may well sue their site.

If you're doing DNA, paternity tests etc done then you do them correctly, not just through an app via Ancestry which as can be seen from this thread is a bit dodgy.

A helpful post above from @MarshmallowFondant about why Ancestry is a good starting point.

Ancestry has the largest repository of DNA testers & this is a is a good base for first set of matching. There are loads (!) of people in the US, Australia & beyond searching on Ancestry & other sites for their forebears who migrated through the recurring diasporas to the ‘new’ countries. Hence the prevalence of 3- 5th cousins where people with shared matches at this level can be link back to multiplied Greats of GreatGrandparents.

YouTube hosts load of quality bloggers about Ancestry & DNA genealogy - top tips & how to avoid being sidetracked down rabbit holes.
Always do your own research through records to confirm matches. Some family trees online are built by meticulous research & the owners usually quote their sources, e.g. birth records, census records etc, & these may help you on your way, but always double check.

As *@MarshmallowFondant describes the file that contains the DNA data is literally a list of numbers, & it is Ancestry DNA data files that can be easily exported to the other mainstream consumer DNA genealogy sites * e.g. Family Tree DNA, My Heritage & GEDmatch (a meta analysis site) where you will find new or overlapping records of DNA test results loaded up by their owners, which expands your search base at no extra or little cost. The reverse is not so, Ancestry does not accept DNA data files from other test sites.