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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dog doing my head in, new baby on way and no room

227 replies

Lll898 · 19/01/2022 14:04

Hi It might just be me it might not I really don't know, I am an animal lover I want to add always had pets in my life.

Me and my partner had a baby boy born May 2021, complete accident but when we got our heads around it baby no. Two is due in may 2022

My hormones have been raging in this pregnancy and will openly admit, one day I can be happy and click of my fingers and I'm upset for no reason.

The issue stems from his dog at most at moment, it's a shar pei 7 years old as a breed they are known for being aloof and when not brought up around children not the best. We were evicted (non fault eviction in November 2021) our landlord passed away. So along with applying for private rentals we contacted housing association etc and we were lucky enough to be given a 2 bed flat first floor in a small block, it's not ideal but it's become home already.
The dog has no outside access unless we take her down on a lead and although the not most active breed she has so much energy pent up, she is becoming a nightmare in the home I can not blame her for this.
She goes down 3 or 4 times a day.
But the issue is as my partner works a rolling 4 or 5 on then off for 4 or 3, 12 hr shifts 14hr out I am pulling my hair out.

She has already totally destroyed the lounge carpet by running and digging the carpet, she is not happy I can't blame her but with baby and baby on the way I have brought up the suggestion if she does not settle down would it be best to look at rehoming her, so she has a better life with a garden etc again.

I am also due to return to work soon I'm on mat leave so left to her devices god knows what I am gonna return to.

I can't blame the dog, but as he does not see it when he is home she actually behaves a lot better than does for me, he sees it as me causing issues.

When baby born in May 2021 as she was no longer centre of attention she showed some real jealous behaviour to the point he did have to call in a behaviourist as I said the breed are known for being a bit odd a times. With the behaviour now and being in a flat I am already pulling my hair out as twice a day just to take her out for her business I walk her about a mile each time. I do mutilple trips up and down the stairs. Pram down baby down strapped in back up for dog and then the same in reverse. When second one here and before that I am bigger it's going to become harder.

He is replacing the carpet which has only been down 6 weeks not that I see much point at the moment.

But just the suggestion look I think it's actually better for the dog to be rehomed than staying here it's like I am the biggest witch known the man for suggesting it.

But what else can I do, an I being unreasonable or is he just seeing it as dog is family which I agree. But in my head watching her she is not happy 7 years having outside space and now trapped in really it's gonna drive her insane to a degree. And so my reasoning is surely she deserves better and when two babies so young she will really get no attention. He had her for two years before I met him and I moved into his house the rental we moved from in Nov 2021.

And no the answer is not move we do both work and although I will be back at work and then mat leave, private rental prices locally are through the roof and with two needing childcare it is a virtually impossible situation.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
rooarsome · 19/01/2022 15:26

So she's 7 years old, he had her for 2 years before you met him. You only moved in with him in November 2021, when house you were then evicted from. Is that correct?
Who looked after the dog previously when he worked? And did he adopt her or have her from a pup?
I think in this instance rehoming wouldn't be by first instinct. I would suggest she needs longer walks first off. I understand you are going back to work soon from mat1, so would a dog walker be an option? Or whoever looked after her previously when your partner worked?

starrynight87 · 19/01/2022 15:26

@Stinkywizzleteets

You’re never going to get sympathy on mN when it comes to rehoming animals but they’re all living in utopia with butterflies and birds tweeting and it’s sunny all the time, with countless Money growing on trees for behaviourists, daycare and multiple dog walkers a a day, or something.

The kindest thing to do is to rehome the dog. Give it the life and the happiness it deserves. We get pets with the best of intentions but things can and do change beyond our control (like eviction).

Choosing to rehome isn’t being taken lightly here but OP will have two babies under 18m in a flat on only one earning with all the struggles of a newborn and a toddler and an anxious upset dog. Kindness wouldn’t hurt

Exactly right Star
Shmithecat2 · 19/01/2022 15:26

So, OP says;

Me and my partner had a baby boy born May 2021, complete accident but when we got our heads around it

But then says;

we did plan baby one and baby two is a complete suprise.

Which one is it?

Either way, you need to rehome the dog, for the dog's sake as well as yours.

Doyourememberthetime · 19/01/2022 15:27

Most dogs that are given away get put down by the way.

SirChenjins · 19/01/2022 15:28

@Doyourememberthetime

Most dogs that are given away get put down by the way.
Load of absolute shite.
Dressingdown1 · 19/01/2022 15:29

OP I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time on here. It sounds as if you're doing your best for your partner's dog without a lot of support from him. I think you should re-home the dog unless your partner can come up with a solution such as doggy day care or regular dog walkers. Probably with 2 babies this is not going to be affordable.

Original poster
Lll898 · 19/01/2022 15:29

Baby one planned

I did post second post to confirm contraception started at 6 week check this failed, so suprise is baby no2 which finding out when you have a 3-4 month old is a shock when precautions in place that is what we had to get our heads around

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 19/01/2022 15:30

I feel like I have entered a parallel universe. I like and take good care of my dog and hate to see any animal mistreated but the OP sounds a decent person trying to do right by all and is completely undeserving of the level of vilification she's had here. Maybe there's a cultural difference, but here in Ireland I know loads of people who have rehomed dogs and more who probably should have! If my own circumstances changed radically I would rehome my dog, with care obviously and a heavy heart but I would do it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2022 15:30

@Butteryflakycrust83

Jesus christ, dog people are BARMY.

Your circumstances have changed, and I agree that rehoming the dog is best for all involved. That makes you a responsible owner, not a bad one. You are acknowledging that the current set up isnt working.

Op isn’t the owner. Her lazy arsed partner is. Having a dog takes commitment and he can’t even be bothered to walk the dog let alone anything else. The dog is obviously bored out of her brains otherwise she wouldn’t be destroying the carpet. Why the hell did he have a dog in the first place would be my question.
WiddlinDiddlin · 19/01/2022 15:31

Dog trainer/behaviour consultant here..

Walks is not enough - what do those walks look like, a route march round the same route every time? Is whoever walks her interacting, altering the route, training as you go, playing games etc?

Is she reactive, is she yelling at everything she sees - if so it is likely the walks are increasing stress rather than decreasing it.

Not all walks are equal unfortunately - a trundle round the same route so the dog has a shit is not the same as spending time engaging with the dog, training, playing, varying routes and scenery and stuff to sniff.

Then at home, you still need to do stuff - someone has already suggested on the first page some good activities. I would add, things like the Backpack Walk (not actually a walk, a way of letting your dog interact with you and a bunch of stuff in a way that is calming and satisfying), lots of scent based hunting stuff out with her nose, calming massage... training sessions.

I do not see how you have time to do these things with one baby, never mind two. Then when both are toddling you are likely to hit another problem - many dogs can handle a relatively immobile baby.

A toddler, who wobbles and grabs and hits and kicks and throws and falls down in any direction, and shoves things in their mouth and cannot read dog body language even if the dog is crystal clear (and pei's are NOT)... is honestly a TERRIFYING experience for a large proportion of dogs. THIS is when bites happen, and because of the relative height of dogs face to childs face, they tend to be pretty dramatic and upsetting for all.

I would strongly advise you to rehome responsibly via breed rescue, if you were my client.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/01/2022 15:31

Poor dog. Maybe you should both be a bit more careful in future to prevent pregnancy.

This might be the most peak Mumsnet post I’ve ever seen. I very much doubt this poster is of sound mind…

KiloWhat · 19/01/2022 15:33

@Lll898

Baby one planned

I did post second post to confirm contraception started at 6 week check this failed, so suprise is baby no2 which finding out when you have a 3-4 month old is a shock when precautions in place that is what we had to get our heads around

What was the plan with the dog originally after mat leave one and you went back to work? Do that.
girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 15:33

@Lll898

Baby one planned

I did post second post to confirm contraception started at 6 week check this failed, so suprise is baby no2 which finding out when you have a 3-4 month old is a shock when precautions in place that is what we had to get our heads around

To be fair the baby's aren't the issue. The lack of attention the dog gets is.

You need to make a conscious effort to give the dog more attention and affection so she doesn't feel like she's being replaced.

theleafandnotthetree · 19/01/2022 15:33

@Lll898

Baby one planned

I did post second post to confirm contraception started at 6 week check this failed, so suprise is baby no2 which finding out when you have a 3-4 month old is a shock when precautions in place that is what we had to get our heads around

OP you have no need to justify yourself or go into this kind of detail! Bloody hell....and I know it's a seperate issue but I can't wrap my head around how people can be so (to my mind) batshit about the welfare of a dog who is well cared for and who will hopefully continue to be so, while culturally there is no issue with buying a whole chicken who's had a miserable life for 3 pound.
MabelsApron · 19/01/2022 15:33

Agree that you need to rehome the dog, but you must do it responsibly. Not on facebook or gumtree. The situation is unlikely to improve with a second baby, and to improve would require significant work with a trainer and a lot of gumption which I'm not convinced exists here I'm sorry to say.

iguanadonna · 19/01/2022 15:34

The OP didn't get a dog! This is her DP's dog. He had the dog before he acquired partner and children.

OP is ending up being responsible for an unhappy dog in small upstairs flat with two babies. She doesn't think the situation is sustainable.

Why on earth some posters think that opens her up for abuse and comments telling her she's wrong to have kids, I don't know.

DP needs to arrange and take responsibility for managing dog walker and doggy daycare. Also for doing walks himself, despite his complicated shift schedule.

If he won't do that, he'll have to rehome poor dog.

Phrenologistsfinger · 19/01/2022 15:35

Are you also going to rehome DC1 when DC2 arrives? Your first kid may also be jealous of its sibling and bored with less of your attention and so act out? Kids need exercise and stimulation as much as dogs do. I don’t see the difference tbh?

IvyTwines · 19/01/2022 15:35

@Butteryflakycrust83

Jesus christ, dog people are BARMY.

Your circumstances have changed, and I agree that rehoming the dog is best for all involved. That makes you a responsible owner, not a bad one. You are acknowledging that the current set up isnt working.

They really are! Two babies is a lot to handle even in a house with a big enough garden for a large breed of dog. If there's no imminent likelihood of increasing your living space, and the time your husband can spend entertaining the dog, I think you should rehome it with people who can give it more time and space. I think you'll all be better off that way.
ufucoffee · 19/01/2022 15:35

OP I think you've been brave to admit on here that your move has not been good for your dog and you feel it would be happier in a house with accessible outside space. It's better to admit this for the sake of your dog and attempt to get it rehomed than keep it unhappy in a flat. Too many people keep animals cooped up inside just because they want a pet. Not because it's the best thing for the animal.

Wnikat · 19/01/2022 15:36

Bloody hell some of you are nasty. It’s not even her dog, it’s her partner’s who seems to think it’s fine to leave her to deal with the dog on her own with a baby whilst heavily pregnant the whole time.

OP I think you’re perfectly reasonable. Either your partner arranges day care for the dog or it has to go.

RestingMurderousFace · 19/01/2022 15:37

@CoastalWave

I can't be arsed getting annoyed or wound up about you.

Your dog would be MUCH MUCH better off without you. Rehome her - properly and do it pronto.

Poor poor dog.

Basically that.

Sigh.

girlmom21 · 19/01/2022 15:38

@Phrenologistsfinger

Are you also going to rehome DC1 when DC2 arrives? Your first kid may also be jealous of its sibling and bored with less of your attention and so act out? Kids need exercise and stimulation as much as dogs do. I don’t see the difference tbh?
The difference is the dog previously had a garden and the child won't chew up the carpet, destroy the house or potentially be a real life threat to the new baby.
Doyourememberthetime · 19/01/2022 15:38

I don’t disagree with giving a dog away. But I would make sure I knew where they were being rehomed. Do you have a friend or relative that would take the dog?

Whatinthelord · 19/01/2022 15:40

Is it your partners dog? What are his suggestions for making it work with the dog and baby. It’s not fair, as he’s the one that chose to get the dog, that he’s leaving the management of the obvious issue to you.

Sadly it does sound like the dog needs rehoming. Obviously that’s far from ideal, but I can’t imagine it’s fair or safe to keep the dog in the current situation, soon to be harder with another baby.

If I were you I’d pass responsibility back to your partner. He needs to follow through the on commitment he made when he got the dog- be that arrangements to make your home life suitable for a dog or arrangements to rehome the dog.

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