To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

Yep. Just as some of us who were enablers will always be enablers and have to learn how to shout "NO NO NO NO!" and actually mean it. Forever.

can = cannot...

Yanbu. We haven't got kids but I've been in similar situation to you. I gave husband an ultimatum in the end and we both went to therapy. He has not had a drink now for nearly two years and he has now filled his life with more fulfilling hobbies. I remain crystal clear in my stance and he knows that if he were to go back to drink we are getting divorced.

Tell him to go out with his friends, and not to come home. My ex says he wishes with all his heart he had taken me seriously when I said it was me or the drink. I'm happily remarried now to someone who doesn't drink to excess, and would not risk our relationship for anything.

My ex sent me this link last year, says it's his song for me.

You and your husband should listen to it.

As many have said, you can't control this. You can only control your own reaction to what he does. Also, he HAS to WANT to stay sober. All the begging/pleading/cajoling in the world won't work. HE has to reach his lightbulb moment and decide for himself.

How do you approach it? Perhaps by very calmly laying your cards out on the table. "These are my boundaries....x, y and z". And stick with it. Really stick with it, no matter how hard it might be for you. No matter how good the good times are.

I stuck with my XH for nearly 6yrs....trying to help, trying to get him to stop drinking/drugs (found out about the drugs right at the end. At the end, I also found out about him drinking during the day and then driving off to collect our DC!!!), trying to get rehab for him etc etc. It didn't work. He just got more deceitful and gaslit me more. He made me feel like I was going crazy/the one with the problem. Family events were ruined. He'd be belligerent, highly unpredictable and often very abusive when drunk. The house would be trashed. I was constantly on edge, my anxiety levels were through the roof, I was constantly being scared of what he'd be like, whether he'd be coming home and what trouble he'd got himself into. I never knew from day to day what would be happening next, therefore I couldn't plan a damned thing. Apparently I was a "nagging wife" too. I tried to shield as much of this from the DC as possible. The "good times" got fewer and farther between.

^I am betting that many PP on here would say similar, and have experienced similar. Years on from splitting with XH, I still start shaking when I hear people (particularly people who I don't know) who are slurring their speech because they're drunk. It sets me on edge. I get edgy when I hear the clink of empty glass bottles.

I know some people DO want to stop drinking/drugs and address their addictions. But XH didn't. I'm sad that he didn't....but I'm also so cross with myself for not finishing things sooner. Please don't be me. xx

PS he was not like this when we got together or got married. He
became a complete stranger.

@Grantanow

I think alcoholics are never curable though with support from AA they may be able to abstain. Without support I think it's unlikely.

The term "cure" is a bit off in this context, as drinking alcohol isn't necessary or even desirable from a biological or medical point of view. I agree that peer support from AA or a similar group does greatly enhance your chances of staying abstinent.

Recently published research done in the US indicates that most people do recover from addiction. Nine percent of the population has recovered from an addiction disorder.

There is life after addiction. Most people recover

Maybe this night out is a good test to see if he can moderate his drinking? Then if he doesn’t he can’t say you didn’t give him a chance to show himself capable of having a few without going overboard.

This shouldn’t cause an argument, you set your boundaries - drink again and it’s a divorce.

If HE drinks HE wants to divorce you.
So ask him if that’s what he wants, this isn’t nagging.

The best case scenario happened where he didn’t kill somebody when he drank and drove home, the man is a joke I’m sorry OP but this is disgusting, of course he put on a sad depressing act cos it worked didn’t it? You forgave him.

He should be held accountable for what he did, you can employ another driver rather than an irresponsible man that risks everything just for a sesh.

If he ever does drink again I will be making sure he has no access to the car or keys, the plan was he would sober up with his friend the day after before driving home to save me driving 40 minutes each way with the kids.

The driving part is not the main issue. It sounds like you’re wavering and will give in.

I wouldn’t, in your situation. Life is too short to spend it with an alcoholic.

@goodjoujou

Maybe this night out is a good test to see if he can moderate his drinking? Then if he doesn’t he can’t say you didn’t give him a chance to show himself capable of having a few without going overboard.

This man has shown he cannot moderate his drinking time and time again though.

I wish people would stop picking on the OP about her husband’s drink driving. Not one single thing to do with her husband’s behaviour is her fault or responsibility. You cannot say you’d call the police unless you’ve been in the exact same situation and done that very thing. Calling her selfish is the most ignorant thing I’ve heard, she’s struggling and needs support herself not judgment.

Ultimatums also will not work. Whatever the reason for his drinking being told don’t do it or else will only make his resolve stronger. If he is an addict alcoholic then nothing the OP says will get him into recovery, that is all on him. If he is a social binge drinker who doesn’t know when to stop then he’s going to kick back at ultimatums. Not every alcoholic is drinking to mask problems and it’s important people realise that because it’s used to justify functioning alcoholic behaviour.

It’s so bloody hard living with someone who has problems with alcohol. It’s not like living with a toddler you need to be careful and clever how you approach it or you need to leave and live your own life without alcoholism
Being part of it.

Just please OP know none of this is your responsibility or fault. It’s all his.

He has to make the decision. He has to be willing to make what he obviously sees as a sacrifice. In your place, I think I'd give him options, but first you have to know exactly where you stand and what you won't accept.

Option 1: He gets help and stops drinking completely. This would be the best choice, but for it to work, he has to want it. It will change his friendships, however, so he'll probably not want to do it. If the driving incident wasn't enough, I'm not sure what will be, other than possibly an ultimatum that you'll leave him if he doesn't seek help, and even then he still has to be the one to want to change.

Option 2: He can only drink X amount of drinks per day/night and only drink at home. At least that way you will know he won't be driving. But tbh, I wouldn't be happy with that, really, unless he wasn't drinking too often. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who "had" to drink. And will it become your job to police how much he's drinking? No thanks.

I know you said you're happy with him, otherwise, but this is a big thing. It can affect so much of your life and your children's lives. I think you have to be willing to call it quits, if his drinking is ruining too much of your lives.

The drink driving is online his fault completely.

OP should have reported it though.

And she clearly is not planning on sticking to her strict boundary, so there’s no point to getting advice, from the replies and even the title it seems like she’s more worried about looking like a ‘nagging’ or controlling wife.

He seems to have played her quite well so far and it she doesn’t do her part of the ultimatum then she is just enabling him, At best he would have killed himself, only devastating her family, but worst he could have killed any number of innocent people.

There’s no excuse for drink driving, he knows it was wrong made all the promises and now it’s all chilled out again he wants to do it again? How can she be so sure he won’t drink and drive again? He can’t borrow another pissed persons car?

He drives for a living and happily drunk drove. That is awful and got away with it.

He needs to speak to some families that have lost loved ones due to idiots like him and see how lucky he is.

Personally I would still report him if it was me, hasn’t learnt his lesson one bit.

@BoredZelda

If he ever does drink again I will be making sure he has no access to the car or keys, the plan was he would sober up with his friend the day after before driving home to save me driving 40 minutes each way with the kids.

The driving part is not the main issue. It sounds like you’re wavering and will give in.

I wouldn’t, in your situation. Life is too short to spend it with an alcoholic.

I'm not wavering. I feel more empowered and clear that my decision is the right one.

I have received amazing advice and feel much more confident that I am doing the right thing to not put up with any of this BS.

How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that?

You want different things, and if he doesn't genuinely want to stop drinking - for himself - then you will constantly feel like you are controlling him, because you basically are. So there will always be friction unless he actually makes the decision for himself, which, honestly OP, seems unlikely.

@JamSandwich0

Reporting him to the police after the event may do very little sadly. The ultimate recourse is that if he goes out to drink and takes the car you report him as "likely to drink drive" on the 101 number. You can do that anonymously. Particularly useful if you know where he is drinking.

This may save someone's life and - paradoxically perhaps - your relationship. If he gets caught, banned he might take notice. I fear that nothing else will do that; not even his love for you.

As you say - I think - drink or me and he still feels he has a choice!

@Bubblesandsqueak1

Yes he is a prat but you 100% can not tell him he can't drink ever again that is really controlling also by giving him a ultimatum your marriage is over basically

You certainly can!! It's up to him to decide if his marriage is worth staying sober for.

There's a HUGE difference between telling a partner they can't do their harmless hobby and telling them you will no longer tolerate behaviour that may kill them, kill innocent people, and potentially destroy their family.

You cannot say you’d call the police unless you’ve been in the exact same situation and done that very thing.

I would do and I have. It wasn’t my husband but a very close family member who was an alcoholic and regularly drove my nephew around.

@SEOeieieieo
Option 2: He can only drink X amount of drinks per day/night and only drink at home.

Alcoholism doesn't work like that. There is no "just one drink" scenario Just like there is no safe way to jump off a cliff.

There's no way on earth i could be around or with a drunk shit who would drink drive and will again.

Stop minimising. He's going to kill someone. Probably not himself. And you're just being complicit dutiful wifey. Grim.

Go back on your ultimatum and you have simply told him it's ok to go and do this, I might huff and puff but I won't actually do anything...

Your dh is an alcoholic, he might be able to stop drinking for a few months, but his primary relationship is with alcohol, to the extend he's now willing to test your boundaries. Remind him of what you said, if he goes out after that it's game over

@3scape

There's no way on earth i could be around or with a drunk shit who would drink drive and will again. Stop minimising. He's going to kill someone. Probably not himself. And you're just being complicit dutiful wifey. Grim.

The ego behind this and several similar posts is astonishing. OP has listened, responded and you (and to be fair others) keep trying to kick her - “complicit dutiful wifey”? Who on earth do you think you are?!!

@3scape

There's no way on earth i could be around or with a drunk shit who would drink drive and will again. Stop minimising. He's going to kill someone. Probably not himself. And you're just being complicit dutiful wifey. Grim.

Thank you for this 👍

I don't think that you can discuss it with him without arguments or friction. Abuse of alcohol is a lifestyle choice that your husband has made. He has paid lip service to you and your wishes by having a dry Christmas and now he wants payback. Until he sees sense, he is going to put alcohol before you every time.