To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

[ravenmum]

now he hasn't had a drink in so many weeks I know he will absolutely deny he has any problems with Alcohol
Search the back of the shed.

[Cissyandflora]

Alcoholism is terrifying. I am an alcoholic although in recovery. I am deeply sorry for the lives I affected because of my disease. I would absolutely never be involved with an alcoholic op. You will have to prepare to leave with your children. It’s untenable. Damaging and scarring.

[Sprig1]

I am sorry this is happening to you you. He is a shit husband and v selfish (and probably an addict). I hope he will see sense but unfortunately I doubt it. If he doesn't then please don't waste any more of your life on him.

[JamSandwich0]

@Milkyway34x

I'm in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He's not touched a drop for 18 months and has not been tempted. I met him 2 months after he quit so I was abit oblivious to what he was like before. But we've ofcourse spoke about it. One of things he's told me is he had to be the one who thought right that's it now. He had to be the one who was ready.

He couldn't do it until he hit the bottom. He split from his girlfriend of 8 years. Moved out. Carried on hitting the bottle for 8 months. Then one day he took an overdose. He woke up in hospital and saw his daughter crying and spent 8 days in hospital. He has never looked back but he's still very emotionally allover.

It's a very tricky situation. But unfortunately he's the only one who can do it. There's no point you saying anymore. But you can ofcourse tell him what your limit Is and walk away if its too much x

I have been encouraging him to go to AA because wouldn't it be great if he could get help before losing everything I am trying to tell him you were an inch close to ruining so many lives get it sorted before you actually do.

There isn't a chance in hell I am sticking around for the next time but I am hoping I can avoid it getting that far by continuing the you absolutely cannot drink ultimatum and feeling justified in my reasoning

[Milkyway34x]

I completely understand. Yes there's a program on the Disney app about alcoholics and addicts. It really opens your eyes up. My boyfriend has struggled with battles regarding the past or situations that happened to him his whole life. He's 48 now and he's living in a rubbish rented house. No savings and his ex kept all the materialistic things. He's got absolutely nothing to show for working hard his whole life.
It's extremely sad and frustrating for you..I hope he understands and wakes up to this reality..I'm sorry you are going through this.

[girlmom21]

I am not expecting him to get in the car again after a drink.

But you didn't expect him to the first time. And he did.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@Milkyway34x

I'm in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He's not touched a drop for 18 months and has not been tempted. I met him 2 months after he quit so I was abit oblivious to what he was like before. But we've ofcourse spoke about it. One of things he's told me is he had to be the one who thought right that's it now. He had to be the one who was ready.

He couldn't do it until he hit the bottom. He split from his girlfriend of 8 years. Moved out. Carried on hitting the bottle for 8 months. Then one day he took an overdose. He woke up in hospital and saw his daughter crying and spent 8 days in hospital. He has never looked back but he's still very emotionally allover.

It's a very tricky situation. But unfortunately he's the only one who can do it. There's no point you saying anymore. But you can ofcourse tell him what your limit Is and walk away if its too much x

@Milkyway34x I am also now in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He was already sober when we met and regularly attending AA and going through the 12 step programme.

He has been sober 3 years now and still goes to AA when he can. He says he would rather go through life sober, believing he is an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince himself that he is not. His rock bottom was similar to your dp's too.

People might think me crazy for getting into a relationship with a recovering alcoholic but I would rather be with a man who knows himself and has changed his life for the better than with someone like my exh who was in denial and made my life miserable at times with his drinking.

My dp knows that if he were ever to pick up a drink we would be over and I wouldn't hesitate but thankfully he feels I am worth staying sober for, along with many other things.

[JamSandwich0]

@ilssagain

I am not expecting him to get in the car again after a drink

The issue here is that he has done it once (that you know of) and gotten away with it - wasn't caught by police and didn't have an accident.
The next time he's somewhere drinking he'll remember this and think oh yeah, it was fine the last time, I haven't drunk that much etcetc and do it again.

I absolutely can see that but I really don't want to be with him if we are going back to how things were.

I used to drive him to meet his mates and he would get a taxi or walk back so wouldn't typically have access to the car when drunk. However I am not planning to get back to that life so if he chooses to do so I won't be around to find out about it.

[Tempusfudgeit]

OP, you cannot control his actions or decisions. You can only control your own. As someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent - for the love of God, let go with love. Don't inflict this horror show on your children. I promise you, the repercussions will last their lifetimes. Get help to get out of this. The sooner the better.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

My ex husband was the same, ruined my sisters wedding by drinking himself into a stupor and collapsing outside the marquee, we are not a family who behaves like this so I was mortified.
Once got so drunk at an aquaintances house that he vomited all over their living room, then collapsed in the bathroom - we were not invited back or spoken to again.
Came back late to our tent (we were camping) and vomited all over me and my sleeping bag and then collapsed.
I never knew how he would behave when we were out. i prefer not to be married to him anymore.

[NoMoreFries]

He needs a different set of mates and also a different way to feel alive.

Like many of us he probably works long hours and finds life pretty dull. Therefore the drinking creates a sense of release and diversion from an otherwise humdrum existence.

I would ask him what can give him that sense of freedom and ability to lose it all in the moment, without drinking.

Maybe there's an old hobby or sport that he can pick up again and replace some of that need to be with a group of men, mucking about having a laugh.

We all need to belong somewhere. Family first - but what next for him.

Humans are creatures of habit - so of course, this was going to reappear.

He needs new habits and new places to belong. Is he strong enough to understand that?

He can see his mates until 6pm with no drinks and then come home. If they are genuine mates, they'll understand.

They probably aren't and won't.

So that's the test. He'll probably fail it. And then you'll know.

As a driver, he probably has a lonely existence. He needs somewhere to belong that makes him come alive - it doesn't need to be down the pub for 11 hours.

Direct his energy for fun and liberating into something constructive, if you can.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

I have been encouraging him to go to AA because wouldn't it be great if he could get help before losing everything I am trying to tell him you were an inch close to ruining so many lives get it sorted before you actually do.

As I said earlier, that's you doing the hard lifting, not him, HE needs to do it, to see his need to do it. Currently, from what you have said, he hasn't seen the need. Even the drunk driving has not scared him enough to make different plans for his next night out.

You can make the ultimatum as often as you want, and you will probably need to for your own sake. But, when he inevitably lets himslef down, stay strong and remember you drew your line in the sand....

[Blossomtoes]

He needs professional help, just saying I won’t drink and stopping, it’s all very well for 2,3 weeks, but unless he gets to the bottom of the problem and gets help it’s going to be almost impossible

This. Or at least some support. There will be a local branch of AA.

[JamSandwich0]

@NoMoreFries

He needs a different set of mates and also a different way to feel alive.

Like many of us he probably works long hours and finds life pretty dull. Therefore the drinking creates a sense of release and diversion from an otherwise humdrum existence.

I would ask him what can give him that sense of freedom and ability to lose it all in the moment, without drinking.

Maybe there's an old hobby or sport that he can pick up again and replace some of that need to be with a group of men, mucking about having a laugh.

We all need to belong somewhere. Family first - but what next for him.

Humans are creatures of habit - so of course, this was going to reappear.

He needs new habits and new places to belong. Is he strong enough to understand that?

He can see his mates until 6pm with no drinks and then come home. If they are genuine mates, they'll understand.

They probably aren't and won't.

So that's the test. He'll probably fail it. And then you'll know.

As a driver, he probably has a lonely existence. He needs somewhere to belong that makes him come alive - it doesn't need to be down the pub for 11 hours.

Direct his energy for fun and liberating into something constructive, if you can.

Great idea, he used to play football 3 x a week until we had twins and I stopped him 😳 because I was struggling being home alone so much. The DC are older now so that could be something he could potentially restart.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Direct his energy for fun and liberating into something constructive, if you can.

Please don't. This is what so very many people, women, who live with alcoholics do. They take on the burden of healing, distracting, being responsible for providing a way of life that means their alcoholic doesn't have to drink. It never work. They just drag their emotions, time, effort, kids, through months, years of hard labour before having to throw their hands in the air and walk.

This sort of thing is what the person with the alcohol problem has to do, has to want to do, for themselves. Doing this for themsleves in one sign that they actually want to make changes. Doing it for them strikes up the co-dependency bond that keeps everyone trapped and unhappy. So don't do it!

[pointythings]

It's all been said in this thread. Your husband's relationship with alcohol is such that it has a massive negative impact on his entire family. You don't want to LTB, but for the sake of your DC, you may have to. You know he will drink and drive - what will stop him from doing it with the DC in the car at some point?

It's time for an ultimatum and you must act on it if he breaks it. Addicts will not change until they start feeling the consequence of their actions. Sadly I speak from experience and the addict in my life never changed. Alcohol killed him.

[tribpot]

by continuing the you absolutely cannot drink ultimatum
I have to tell you @JamSandwich0 the thing most likely to send me back to drinking was being told I couldn't do it. I've been sober for over 10 years.

So I would not phrase it as an ultimatum or an instruction to him he can't drink. Just calmly set out the consequences if he does - and you have to be prepared to follow through on them.

Sadly, he doesn't accept that he has a drinking problem. If he were serious about his sobriety, he wouldn't be suggesting going out with these mates. He's had his wake-up call, and he hasn't woken up.

By ensuring there were no serious consequences last time, you've helped to reinforce the message that this isn't a serious problem. The fault is entirely his, but he has to feel the consequences. Preferably without anyone else getting killed in the process.

If he ever does drink again I will be making sure he has no access to the car or keys, the plan was he would sober up with his friend the day after before driving home
How would he do this without the car keys? I think you absolutely do need to tell him that you will be taking the keys before this night out, whether he plans to drink or not.

[TonTonMacoute]

If you can only get him to an AA meeting I think that will be a big step. That way it will not just be you saying he must sort himself out, but he will be hearing it from others too.

I would get him to definitely promise to go to one meeting, and make sure he goes. Then take it from there.

You are the innocent party and you are right, but tackling this problem means he will have face up to quite a lot of his bad behaviour, and that does make people reluctant to go through it. Experienced group leaders will help navigate that in a positive way.

Good luck!

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

we had twins and I stopped him STOP!

You didn't cause it.
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Do NOT internalise any blame for his drinking.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My ex husband was the same, ruined my sisters wedding by drinking himself into a stupor and collapsing outside the marquee, we are not a family who behaves like this so I was mortified.
Once got so drunk at an aquaintances house that he vomited all over their living room, then collapsed in the bathroom - we were not invited back or spoken to again.
Came back late to our tent (we were camping) and vomited all over me and my sleeping bag and then collapsed.
I never knew how he would behave when we were out. i prefer not to be married to him anymore.

God, some of these storied are bringing back a lot of memories of my marriage (which i have had rose tinted glasses on about since he had an affair 4 years ago and we separated). My exh wet the bed a couple of times after drinking to excess. Once when I was heavily pregnant and another at this dad's house while we were visiting, which was mortifying.

I was always 'boring' for wanting to go home at the end of an evening when I was tired (or just bored of drinking) and if it was his turn to drive if we were going somewhere together, he would have a go at me if I chose to only have a couple of drinks because it was "a waste" of him driving. Happy days...

Sorry to derail your post a bit op but also, I bet there are plenty of similar things you can think of that have happened...

[TillyTopper]

Background - my DDad was an alcoholic and I am teetotal (don't even like the smell let alone taste of alcoholic drinks).

In my view you can give him all the ultimatums you like about not drinking at all or not drinking to excess. The fact remains he is who he is and he can't stop. That's why he is asking to go out again. Honestly, I wouldn't want my DH to have to ask if he could go out, I'd want him to go, safe in the knowledge that nothing untoward would happen, that I wouldn't be embarrassed at a family event, that he could have a beer then leave.... but your DH isn't like that. All the time you stay with him this will be your dilemma. You can solve it long term and never have the issue again, or you can stick with him but but be sure to realise he will not change anything, apart from probably getting worse as he gets older. Sorry, but that is how I see it.

[Wreath21]

Be careful of fixing on AA, specifically as the only solution, because a lot of people quite rightly refuse to go to AA (as it is not at all reliable as a cure for addiction). You could ask him to commit to 'getting help' but as i advised upthread, you would be better off looking into how you can end the marriage. It is not possible to 'make' someone else stop drinking/gambling/doing drugs unless and until they are ready to stop: far better to work out what is the best thing to do for yourself.

[Bellringer]

Op please go to alanon. They will help you to see how to disengage. I'm sorry he's not ready for aa. Good luck to you, it's a hard struggle, many end in tragedy. Look after yourself and kids

[Blossomtoes]

@Wreath21

Be careful of fixing on AA, specifically as the only solution, because a lot of people quite rightly refuse to go to AA (as it is not at all reliable as a cure for addiction). You could ask him to commit to 'getting help' but as i advised upthread, you would be better off looking into how you can end the marriage. It is not possible to 'make' someone else stop drinking/gambling/doing drugs unless and until they are ready to stop: far better to work out what is the best thing to do for yourself.

AA has worked very well for many, many people for a very long time. Its advantages are there’s no waiting list, it’s immediately accessible, it costs nothing and it makes the alcoholic responsible for their own sobriety. The recovering alcoholic I’m married to owes everything to it.

[millerpie]

That night he drove should of been his wake up call but it wasn’t. My mum was killed when she was hit by a drunk driver and I was two years old, ruined so many lives because of one persons actions.