To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

[notanothertakeaway]

No point giving an ultimatum unless he knows you'll follow through

[ilssagain]

Have you posted about him before? The falling asleep in the snow sounds familiar

I posted a couple of years back on a different thread with a different user name about my ex falling asleep in the snow drunk. So people might be remembering that.
He also crashed a skidoo into a mountain hut when drunk in the middle of the night.

[DoubleYouOhEmAyEn]

I understand why you didn't report it however he probably thinks that you would do the same thing next time. You are in danger of taking on the role of policing his behaviour which obviously won't be sustainable. He needs to take responsibility and do what it takes to stay sober, including not going out with his mates to a pub. He needs to be proactive rather than reacting to your rules (which i think are entirely reasonable btw). If he's not showing you he's even trying to take responsibility another incident is inevitable. You need to be very clear with him and take swift action when there is another incident. this is his issue to sort out, not yours.

[stupiduser]

Or we leave obvs, I know I can't make him stop

[stupiduser]

I have so much sympathy OP. My 'D'P is a binge drinker. He doesn't go out with friends but can drink a bottle of wine and a few cans in an evening and polish off a bottle of rum over the weekend. I have told him I don't like it and am very close to saying enough is enough and he needs to stop for good

[NoRaceInThisHorse]

@BoredZelda

I can't get past you not reporting his drink driving tbh...... Thinking only lf yourself. Not potential victims if he'd killed someone or killed a family just like yours.

Doing so after the fact is about as useless as your comment. The police may come round and have a chat but a prosecution would be very unlikely.

Agree. There would be very little or no evidence that he drove the car drunk. Different if OP saw him leave the house in his car and then phoned the police, but after the fact, nothing that can be done.

[BoredZelda]

I can't get past you not reporting his drink driving tbh...... Thinking only lf yourself. Not potential victims if he'd killed someone or killed a family just like yours.

Doing so after the fact is about as useless as your comment. The police may come round and have a chat but a prosecution would be very unlikely.

[JamSandwich0]

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

I can't get past you not reporting his drink driving tbh...... Thinking only lf yourself. Not potential victims if he'd killed someone or killed a family just like yours.

I am unfortunately far from perfect.

[JamSandwich0]

No iv never posted about it perhaps left a comment on a thread saying that though.

[HermioneWeasley]

What are you doing about getting a job and having an income so when he gets caught drunk driving (hopefully before he kills someone) and loses his license, you have an income for you and the kids?

[5thHelena]

@draramallama

Have you posted about him before? The falling asleep in the snow sounds familiar.

Anyway, you say you don't expect him to drunk drive again but you also say you never expected him to drunk drive the first time.

Yes this seems very familiar to me too..

[TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil]

I can't get past you not reporting his drink driving tbh...... Thinking only lf yourself. Not potential victims if he'd killed someone or killed a family just like yours.

[Thevoiceofreason2021]

He has a drinking problem. I think lots of people belive you only have a drinking problem if you put gin on your cornflakes or are swigging super strength larger on a bench. But the reality is if drinking puts him in dangerous situations or prevents him from leading a normal life - massive hangovers which keep him out of family life, then he has a problem and he needs to face it. Some people can moderate their drinking, others find tea total is the only way to go. He could try Responsible Drinking - a guide to
Moderation management available on Amazon. If he does decide to give up the booze he will need to replace it with a hobby - 5 a side? Military fitness groups in the park? Has he got mates that have hobbies other than drinking? With men, drinking is often their only social interaction , especially if he is on his own for a lot of the work day. If he won’t admit he has a problem and won’t address it, then I can see why an ultimatum is needed.

[RuthTopp]

Ultimatums are just that really . If he decides to ignore , you have your answer where he stands.
Are you prepared to look the other way , whilst he puts those around him at risk of death ( drunk driving ) and ignore the cycle you are about to go on.

[5128gap]

I'm sorry OP, but sooner or later he will drink again, either with your 'permission' or behind your back. Whatever he promises on his night out, don't expect him to stick to it, as he will think he will be OK to have 'just the one'. But people who drink as he does don't have an off switch and you're quite right in saying the only way forward is to not drink again.
So, if you're going to give him an ultimatum, I'd advise you to have concrete plans in place to carry it out, as i think you will need them.

[ChiefStockingStuffer]

@Greydogs123

Tell him plainly that you meant what you said. He can go out, but if he drinks he might as well not bother coming home. He forced you to abandon your morals in not reporting his drink driving and he thinks that because he’s been “good” for a couple of months you will have forgotten. You really must stick to your word otherwise this cycle will just continue and it’s you and the children who suffer.

This.
Because if you don't follow through, this will never end. It just won't.

He can drink, of course he can. But he doesn't get to stay with you and his children if he does.

And you have to report him for drink driving if it ever happens again. You have to. How could you live with yourself if you didn't? Tell him that. And what if he had one of your kids in the car because he 'forgot'.

[SheSaidHummingbird]

What's the difference between now and 'one more incident'? Why wait for the inevitable. You know he will do it again, it's been a pattern for the entire duration of your relationship. Why delay the inevitable? Why waste more of your time, life, energy, emotion, money etc.?

The drink driving would be the last time for me. Why give him another chance to end a life?

[Crunchingleaf]

Your husband has had an alcohol problem for as long as you have been with him and he has gotten away with it without having to change. You cannot change his behaviour it has to come form him. All you can do is protect yourself and the children from it and if you can no longer tolerate the situation you must leave. He will either escalate his drinking or else deal with the fact he is a problem drinker.
YANBU to leave him but remember you have no control over his behaviour. You can only control yourself.

[girlmom21]

@EmpressCixi it's not just the drink driving though. That's what's made her finally put her foot down but he's ruined loads of nice events for her with his reckless drinking.

[EmpressCixi]

I know most have voted other way, I voted YABU.

This is because you’ve been with him for years and he never drink drove ever. Until this one time, he did and he evidently regrets it. So I do not agree that the issue is him drinking. It’s drinking and then driving. The likelihood of this being repeated is close to nil. So I think YANBU to say don’t you ever drink and drive ever again, or I’m divorcing you.

But I do think YABU to say don’t ever have even one drink the rest of your life or I am divorcing you. That is too extreme and setting him up to fail because even an alcoholic on the path to sobriety will occasionally have a moment of weakness and have a drink.

YANBU to tell him his drinking is a problem and get him some alcohol support for binge drinking. Work with him to reduce his drinking to a more responsible level or if he is alcoholic, work with him to the goal of sobriety. But the not one drink for rest of your life starting now with zero support is unreasonable to me. He will fail. 99.9% of addicts can’t go and stay off their addiction like that. And then what will you do?

[LittleDiaries]

My late dad was an alcoholic. He would binge drink, and get drunk, then could stay sober for a few weeks then start the cycle all over again. He made mine, my DM's and step mother's lives a misery. He drove my step mother to a breakdown from which she never fully recovered even after she left him. He died an alcoholic, it's what killed him.

He never admitted he was an alcoholic so would never accept help for it. No-one could do anything for him and he persisted in blaming others (including me) for his alcoholism. It's a vile, cruel addiction that causes so many family members to suffer too.

[SarahBop]

Sounds like he has deeper issues around boundaries and self-control.

I personally would be making it clear that you expect him to get help to cut down on his drinking. Yes, he should go out this time...but maybe with a reasonable agreement that he'll be home by midnight, via cab. Any funny business/drinking driving etc and your marriage is literally over.

I would be making it very very clear. He is incredibly lucky he didn't kill himself or someone else; as he is aware. But if he hasn't actually got any proper help, it's doubtful much can change so easily.

Look at drink aware website too. That's an eyeopener.

[StopStartStop]

For heaven's sake, leave him and only allow him access to your children in a contact centre. Never leave them in a situation where he could get them into a car. He'll drive them, drunk, with all the risks that entails.

He behaved badly, repeatedly. When you gave an ultimatum he behaved well for a couple of months but now wants to go back to his old ways. Get him out of your life.

[LifeExperience]

You are not obligated to stay married to an addict, which is exactly what he is. If he drinks to excess every time he drinks, he's an alcoholic, and the fact that he's stayed dry for a month or so doesn't change that.

If he refuses to acknowledge his addiction, go to AA and stay teetotal for the rest of his life, he doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve to spend the rest of your life worrying about what stupid and dangerous thing he's going to do next while being expected to lie and cover up his misdeeds. That's no way to live for you or your children.

[DirtyDancing]

He has a problem. His drinking is out of control. He might not be drinking every day to the extreme and therefore an 'alcoholic'. However, his drinking is having significant consequences. To drive after that much alcohol- 12 hours of boozing worth- is unimaginable.

There are no grey areas here. He can not drink again as he has no stop button. No self control.

The only other thing that will stop him is killing someone on the road or hurting someone because of his actions. No one needs that.

Stop drinking or leave. He has two choices