To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

So difficult op. Thing is, you shouldn't need an ultimatum. He needs to recognise for himself that he is an alcoholic and therefore cannot drink.

@millerpie

That night he drove should of been his wake up call but it wasn’t. My mum was killed when she was hit by a drunk driver and I was two years old, ruined so many lives because of one persons actions.

Tragic and so sad

OP, there are more experienced people on here than me with regards to alcholism. It would be great if he could start getting out to more activities that don't involved alcohol and help him have a more healthy focus like football, but it does sound like he's got a problem.

If you can, I'd lay down the ultimatum of back to football as many times a week as he wants, no alcohol, no mates and trips to AA and then and only then, can he have a trip out with his mates in six months' time. In July sometime.

By then, hopefully he'll have seen the light. You're not saying no but you're saying first, fix yourself. He needs help.

He's got a lot of history abusing alcohol. For many people it's low self esteem and self-hatred that become numb once they have a drink and they feel more 'life and soul' of the party when they are drinking but that becomes a crutch for getting away from the never-ending feeling of not being good enough.

He needs therapy I'd say and some coaching. Mind set and self -esteem coaching are great for understanding what we truly value in life. Not sure what his relationship is like with his parents but it often starts there somewhere. Something is flawed/failed.

I had similar with my first husband and what I learnt is that you can't control their actions or choices only your own reaction/response to it. So I told him it was his choice but if he went drinking again our marriage would be over. He went drinking again and our marriage was over. Although it took numerous run ins with the police while drunk and trying to get to me for him to realise that I meant what I said.

‘ we had twins and I stopped him ’

Your DH’s alcohol abuse problem
iS NOT down to you! 3 x a week is a lot of time e off doing a sport when you have twin babies.
But if he drops the drink and gains back the wasted time loses in drinking or being hungover or being tired then he’ll have tons of time. Time to spend with his kids,
With you and on himself.
My friends DH I mentioned plays sport 5 x a week now, as well as doing a hobby sport with his DC and spending time with his wife. And he works full time.
He has tons of energy. Gets up early, exercises, works, sees friends, plays tennis, goes to the gym,
takes the kids to footie every weekend.
That’s the thing about not drinking - even if you go out with friends and have a late Friday or Sat night out you still wake up the next day with plenty of energy. I’ve been teetotal several times, and now just drink occasionally for big celebrations, and I can go out til 1/2am and still bounce up at a reasonable time the next day to go for a swim or a run or to take the kids out.

You have gotten so much good advice that anything I would say would be redundant. So I will just say (probably redundantly) that since you have given an ultimatum, you MUST carry it out or you have blunted your weapon forever.

And by that I mean have go-bags packed for you and the DC and a place to go, even if that means having funds to pay for a hotel for a night or two until you can make other arrangements. The consequences must be IMMEDIATE, not a week or a month later after you've 'gotten things together' because by then he will have 'explained away', rationalized and justified himself to himself until it is all your fault for being 'unreasonable'.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with an alcoholic. 'Mine' was my brother and that was bad enough. To have an alcoholic spouse must be hell on earth. Please contact Al-Anon, for families of alcoholics. They can be a huge support and source of knowledge.

Also, if your DH is opposed to AA (my brother was as he is non-religious), see if you can find a local chapter of 'Life Ring', although I think meetings are online for now. My DB found AA too 'set in its ways' and that Life Ring suited his needs much better.

lifering.uk

I still can't believe your DH who drives for a living can drink drive heavily because he wants to do so for a night out and you let him?

Always the womans fault in some way or other, even though Op was at home and asleep!

I kow. It beggars beief. But also goes a long way to epxlain why some women stay with abusive men for years and years.

The abuse, alcoholism etc is all their own fault, after all! They are obliged to stay put and fix things.

Pshaw!

Have you posted about him before? The falling asleep in the snow sounds familiar.

Anyway, you say you don't expect him to drunk drive again but you also say you never expected him to drunk drive the first time.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Direct his energy for fun and liberating into something constructive, if you can.

Please don't. This is what so very many people, women, who live with alcoholics do. They take on the burden of healing, distracting, being responsible for providing a way of life that means their alcoholic doesn't have to drink. It never work. They just drag their emotions, time, effort, kids, through months, years of hard labour before having to throw their hands in the air and walk.

This sort of thing is what the person with the alcohol problem has to do, has to want to do, for themselves. Doing this for themsleves in one sign that they actually want to make changes. Doing it for them strikes up the co-dependency bond that keeps everyone trapped and unhappy. So don't do it!

Personally I would reiterate the ultimatum- its the drink or his family, he CANNOT have both. He cannot drink alcohol in any controlled way, so he has to never drink a drop ever again. He has to completely change his lifestyle and that means not seeing these mates if alcohol is involved. If I were you, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you and him are OVER for good if he does this.And mean it because you can't live like this.

If that was the wake up call he needed, but it's impact has now faded, I'm afraid he is back in denial mode and this won't end well. He has lessened the severity of his actions as time has gone on, which is what addicts do to allow themselves to partake again. He is no longer 'devastated' now the shock is all over, he is in a dangerous place right now.

He won’t change until there are consequences to his actions. He’s got a drinking problem but doesn’t think he has. That’s the issue.

You can beg scream or give him all the ultimatums in the world won’t change a thing until he’s hit his bottom. If you help him by covering for him or making excuses for his behaviour you’re enabling him.

Al-anon is your friend. Don’t try and fix him, fix yourself and get some boundaries, this won’t suddenly get better sadly. It’s harsh but true. Relationship isn’t doomed to fail if he’s willing to get help but until then you’re only hurting yourself trying to expect more than he is willing to give here.

I speak as an ex wife of an alcoholic with a child.

Yes he is a prat but you 100% can not tell him he can't drink ever again that is really controlling also by giving him a ultimatum your marriage is over basically

The Drink driving is absolutely not on.
Utterly irresponsible.
A 21 yr old university student was killed by two racing drunk women-
It doesn’t bear thinking about that non drinkers can be killed by selfish drunks.
Keep that ultimatum.
Hide the car keys if you think he is going to drink and drive.

Has he sought any help for his alcohol issues, OP? I ask because it's really hard to do it alone, and he may well be struggling. Being around alcohol at this stage will be fatal for him, he will not be able to resist.

Sadly, though, he has to want it enough.

You could try Al-Anon (www.al-anonuk.org.uk) for some support for you in the meantime.

You gave him an ultimatum. I think you should stick to it.

Standing up for yourself and your children is the right call. If this does come to a separation, it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage. If he manages to get his life in order, you may be able to reconcile.

Ultimately, he has to be in charge of getting in control of his drinking. If he is only managing not to binge drink or drive drunk to avoid consequences from you, he won’t really have it controlled. At some point, his inner motivation has to kick in.

His friends are not supportive , I assume they are aware that if he drinks his marriage is in the line ??

He needs expert help to give up and get to the bottom of why he is binge drinking he needs to go to gp

Show him the adult children of alcoholics website and then he will realise how devastating it can be for children who grow up with alcoholics.

Op I am so sorry this is such a difficult situation...but imagine he didn't manage to get home safely and killed someone.,.,... a family destroyed..... and it would have destroyed you knowing he was responsible.
Many of us know someone killed by a drunk driver, you cannot stop him but you can avoid having that responsibility on your conscience.

Some good advice here..

Typical reactions from an alcoholic. Denial. Minimising. Risk taking. Anger.

If drinking for 11hours and then driving isn’t his rock bottom I dread to think what will be.

Stick to your ultimatum OP.

AA has worked very well for many, many people for a very long time. Its advantages are there’s no waiting list, it’s immediately accessible, it costs nothing and it makes the alcoholic responsible for their own sobriety. The recovering alcoholic I’m married to owes everything to it.

Word. I'm a recovering alcoholic with 27 years of sobriety, thanks in large part to AA. Peer support is crucial to learning how to live happily without drinking. You alone must do it but you cannot do it alone.

OP, he's a binge drinker. Having no "off switch" is a classic sign of someone prone to alcohol abuse. It's a neurochemical issue. It will get worse with time too. I hope he does the right thing and gets support.

I had a boyfriend at uni like this. He broke up with me eventually which in hindsight saved me from a lifetime of dealing with the the fallout of his behaviour. I came across a girlfriend of his many years later. Guess what; he’s still exactly the same!

I know you don’t see it op, I’ve been there and you just don’t, not until you’re out and look back with the glasses off. He’s very unlikely to change and you and your children will be living in this horrible cycle for years. I know you don’t want to hear this but I would draw a line in the sand and if he won’t/can’t stop then kick him out, for good.

As others have said. This is his choice, he can drink if he likes. You can decide what he does. HOWEVER - it is totally up to you whether you accept him like this.

And its not just a drink (sorry, I know you know this!). Men do this all the time. Just going out for a drink. Its gallons and gallons of booze that effects him so badly he chooses to drink and drive. He was lucky this time and so were others who were driving on the roads at the same time that there wasnt a terrible accident.

I think alcoholics are never curable though with support from AA they may be able to abstain. Without support I think it's unlikely.

DH can't or won't address his problem; it will only get worse and the impact on your children will be FAR more serious in years to come. My teenage female cousins used to walk the streets to find their drunk father lying in his own shit and piss , then strip off his hand-made suits to hose him down. Friend's teen son came in from school to find alcoholic dad dead in chair. Those examples are NOTHING compared to the personal hell inflicted on their mothers.

Alcoholics Anonymous supports alcoholics, and also advises the partners and families

You should seek their advice, for the sake of your children.