To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

You are still wondering if you're justified in objecting to his behaviour. Obviously, you are.

It's a huge shame that you did not report the drunk driving. Not just because it was the right thing to do (how will you feel if he kills or injures someone next time?) But because it would have been a game-changer for both of you. You would have concrete proof in your own mind that he has a problem too big for you to solve by objecting to it. You would realise that he committed a very serious criminal act. He would have lost the business, and rightly so, and the change in your lives would have been undeniable.

Yabu to question your very accurate analysis of what's wrong. And yabu to think you have any part in fixing it. Your threats or cover-ups or good will won't help. Yabu to keep protecting a messed-up status quo.

You can only ask him to leave and protect yourself and the dc. If he gets help and really sticks with it, great. But that's on him.

He wants to see his mates, I get that. Of course, the question is whether it’s them he wants to see, or whether he hopes deep down that they’ll pressure him into drinking, and then he’s got an excuse.

Suggest he puts his big boy pants on and messages them all something like: “Hey guys, as you know I have a tendency to drink too much, and the other week I did something really stupid when I was pissed. Because of this, I’ve decided to go sober for the time being. I know you’ll be supportive about this- can we meet up and go for a walk/ do some sport/ whatever instead of going to the pub?”

I feel that his reaction to this suggestion could be illuminating…🤔

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me… How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful

This is so contradictory. On one hand you’re done, and want a divorce, the other you don’t want to leave him or even cause an argument.

I think you need to make your own mind up on your boundaries. False ultimatums to try to manipulate him aren’t going to work.

The thing it’s not all about him, he could easily kill others, imagine that in court?
He’s being selfish and needs help, maybe he thinks you won’t really divorce him, driving for a living he should know better.
When the shit hits the fan, nothing will be left for him

He has a problem with alcohol but there's more going on here, he shouldn't have you worried about how to tackle him about it.

I know you are worried about him losing his job, but he isn't. And he isn't concerned that if he causes an accident or dies while drunk, it will invalidate his insurance. He cares more about getting drunk with his mates than he does about the consequenses.

Those are the facts. Yet he has you worried that you are nagging. He has you worried about causing big arguments or creating friction.
The only sensible thing you can do is separate. Give him 18 months to sort himself out, get yourself some counselling and take The Freedom Program.

Sorry you are in this situation, he's an alcoholic. None of this is your fault and laying down the law will not cause him problems. The problem is he Chooses alcohol. You can't think that will ever change unless you see the evidence and he stops. If he doesn't then he's putting the addiction first, which is what addicts do. The only way you can make an imapctful move is to act immediately if he ever drinks again. Don't be drawn into a discussion of him starting on low alcohol, no alcohol or a different drink. The problem is he will always go back to it.
Lock him out. Get a lawyers letter, say its over. Put your children first because if drinking continues he never will.

You really have to stick to your guns with this, I'm afraid. That might well actually mean leaving him because otherwise your ultimatums are meaningless.

I have seen this with my alcoholic BIL many years ago. He could hold off the booze for a few weeks after an incident, but always went back to it. His marriage broke down over it (erupted into domestic violence), he lost his home and access to his then toddler daughter.

Stay strong here, for you and your children. They shouldn't have to potentially see one of their parents in that state and they may well be aware of much more than you think.

you go out I am changing the locks -

You can't make him obey you. No one is entitled to obedience from a partner.
However, you have every right to end a relationship if your partner persists in doing things that distress you. I wouldn't waste energy arguing about his drinking or telling him what to do - you have told him your position and it's up to him whether he wants to keep drinking to excess or not. Put your efforts towards making plans to leave/throw him out, and how you will manage as a single parent.
As yet it doesn't sound as though he has escalated to violence, so you can take your time getting things sorted.

He's a selfish arsehole for doing this and is a functioning alcoholic.

My ex-boss used to drive whilst under the influence - worse because he's a solicitor and if he did get caught he'd be banned and I'm guessing potentially be barred from practising as a solicitor.

For years we saw him get in his car, drunk and drive, once he drove on the metal rims (?!) of his BMW in the snow. God only knows how he didn't kill someone. Apparently previous employees threatened to ring the police but either police didn't catch him in time or they didn't ring the police.

One morning he rang me just before work in a panic, he'd knocked a teenage cyclist off his bike but it was a mix of fault on both sides. Luckily he wasn't prosecuted as it was an accident but this incident was enough to make him think twice apparently about drink driving and I believe he stopped doing it. Up to this point he'd always been very lackadaisical about it, e.g. nothing will ever happen, I'm fine.

As @Thelnebriati says I'd separate, get him to do the Freedom Programme and 18 months to sort himself out and if he's not done it after then, then divorce him under grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

I still can't believe your DH who drives for a living can drink drive heavily because he wants to do so for a night out and you let him? Suppose someone was killed as a result of his actions? Sod his job and him being unemployed, you should report him when he drink drives.

My own DF was an alcoholic and it ended my parents marriage so I know exactly what I'm talking about and I know how it ruins marriages. However, my DB has given up and reduced drinking after drinking a lot, so it can be done but takes a lot of willpower.

You shouldn't have set that ultimatum if you weren't going to do it. From the sound of it, he didn't believe you would leave him, and he's right, so it was ineffective.
Another reason the ultimatum was no good, however, is that he's an alcoholic and can't just stop drinking.

So you were setting him an impossible task and threatening an alternative you weren't going to carry out. It wasn't going to work.

Perhaps you could sit down with him and point this all out, and say that this time you want to set a doable ultimatum. For example: he has to go to Acoholics Anonymous (verifiably), and if he does not do so within the next 3 weeks then he has to move out for an initial period of a month. Those are things that might be achievable on bth sides. Maybe also bring someone else, e.g. his parents(?), into this so that you have support if he breaks the contract.

I don't think YABU at all. But from what you've said I'm also not sure if he is an alcoholic like some PPs are saying. And believe me I unfortunately know exactly what an alcoholic is. I think he is a problem drinker, I know many of those in my own family, start drinking and more often then not drink to excess. He needs to see if he can set limits and control, if he can't then it has to go. Drinking in the house is a no go. He says drinking is a huge part of his socialising, which I do get, so why does he need to drink when not socialising. For what it is worth I have been on girls nights out/ weddings/ family occasions since I got sober and had a brilliant time.

Also just curious what would reporting him to the police about drink driving do? Surely the police have to catch someone in the act for them to be charged? Otherwise anyone could report anyone vindictively, say you hate you neighbour, you know she is having wine that evening, call the police and say you've seen her drive her car drunk. But no under no circumstances am I condoning drink driving at all it destroys lives.

Sorry you find yourself in this situation OP, it's really hard. But you are 100% right to stand your ground - if he drinks again it's only going to go one way. I'm sure he'll convince himself that he can drink sensibly and he might even do a night or two that didn't spiral out of control and use that as 'proof' that he doesn't have a problem but it's just a matter of time before he's drink driving again and the rest.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful

These two statements contradict each other. You don't want to be married if he goes back to drinking 12 cans a day or drink drives and puts lives at risk as well as his livelihood but on the other hand you don't want LTB responses.

I think you want him to change and stop drinking so that you can stay together.
Sadly that is not going to happen and I say that from bitter experience.
I was with my ex for 5 years and he behaved in exactly the same way as your DH. It was the most horrendous time. I lost myself and any self-esteem I had in the middle of it all. It has taken me 3 years to even start feeling vaguely like myself again.
They never change OP. They can't change. They make promises and it looks like they are sorting themselves out and then something triggers it again (eg. meeting up with a particular group of friends) and off they go. My ex was usually ok for a couple of months in the summer when we were away on holiday and when he was out and about hiking more but as soon as autumn came around it would all start again. I'm not even going to go into the things he did and said when under the influence as it traumatizes me too much.

I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have children and have this going on.

Tell him clearly and for one last time that if he goes out and gets drunk with these friends you will be leaving him. And then stick to it.

I agree with previous posters OP. This needs to be your line in the sand. Xx

Trying to be helpful -

1. It might be an ideal to ask him to talk through what an evening with his drinking friends would be if he didn't drink too much to help him understand it won't be feasible.
2. Drinking with friends is too early.
3. A referral to some form of support through his GP would seem a sensible option to preserve his licence and your business if he has any insight.

Good luck.

@ravenmum For example: he has to go to Acoholics Anonymous (verifiably) what is going to AA verifiably? I've been going 2 years and I've never heard of this.

Could you forgive yourself if you were complicit in him killing someone next time?

If you're happy for him to do what he did before, carry on. But you won't be able to give him an ultimatum again because he'll know you don't mean it.

My ex-h was on of 4 children of an alcoholic father and a mother who put up with it despite threatening to leave every week or so. Every one of them was damaged by the experience. Keep in mind that it WILL affect the children no matter how hard you may try to mitigate that.

You gave an ultimatum and it is up to you to follow through. If you don't, he knows he can continue without consequences. You need to actually mean what you say otherwise it's just 'noise'.

Did you really mean the ultimatum? If so, suggest going through with it.

Sadly, he has a drink problem and is likely to continue to drink to excess. Little you can do about that.

There’s a LOT you can do with respect to yourself and the DC.

Don't make ultimatums if you don't mean them. As you see, it puts you in a weaker position than you were to begin with. You threatened divorce, but he obviously knows these were empty words, and that he can do whatever he wants because you'll stick around.

You can't control what your husband does. You can only decide what sort of life you want to live yourself, and if that's a sober one then your husband will have to decide whether that's the life for him too.

[quote recoveringyoungalco]**@ravenmum* For example: he has to go to Acoholics Anonymous (verifiably)* what is going to AA verifiably? I've been going 2 years and I've never heard of this.[/quote]
e.g. OP takes him there and sees him walk in the door.

Did he think oh its been a couple of months its ok back to normal?

what does dont do this again or im out mean to him-theres no point saying have a drink i'll just take the keys off you it doesnt solve the problem really

@Gonnagetgoing

He's a selfish arsehole for doing this and is a functioning alcoholic.

My ex-boss used to drive whilst under the influence - worse because he's a solicitor and if he did get caught he'd be banned and I'm guessing potentially be barred from practising as a solicitor.

For years we saw him get in his car, drunk and drive, once he drove on the metal rims (?!) of his BMW in the snow. God only knows how he didn't kill someone. Apparently previous employees threatened to ring the police but either police didn't catch him in time or they didn't ring the police.

One morning he rang me just before work in a panic, he'd knocked a teenage cyclist off his bike but it was a mix of fault on both sides. Luckily he wasn't prosecuted as it was an accident but this incident was enough to make him think twice apparently about drink driving and I believe he stopped doing it. Up to this point he'd always been very lackadaisical about it, e.g. nothing will ever happen, I'm fine.

As @Thelnebriati says I'd separate, get him to do the Freedom Programme and 18 months to sort himself out and if he's not done it after then, then divorce him under grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

I still can't believe your DH who drives for a living can drink drive heavily because he wants to do so for a night out and you let him? Suppose someone was killed as a result of his actions? Sod his job and him being unemployed, you should report him when he drink drives.

My own DF was an alcoholic and it ended my parents marriage so I know exactly what I'm talking about and I know how it ruins marriages. However, my DB has given up and reduced drinking after drinking a lot, so it can be done but takes a lot of willpower.

I didn't let him drink drive I was at home in bed not expecting him home, he has never done that before and It was the last thing I expected from him - he & him alone is the only one accountable for that decision.

OP how would you cope if you agreed to his going out and he ended up killing or maiming someone? You know he is incapable of keeping a promise not to drink to excess and this group of friends are obviously toxic.
You need to stick to your guns and demand he chooses either his family or the drink. Sadly in his case it seems to be that he needs to abstain from alcohol altogether forever.
As another poster said — it’s now or in 20 years time (if he survives that long). Meanwhile this is not a healthy role model for your DC.
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