To expect my husband to be tee total for life?

[JamSandwich0]

Background my husband likes a drink and he has ruined multiple events over the years (we have been together since school) because he drinks so much & won't come home, has to be the loudest and drink the most its embarrassing. He will drink for up to 12hrs when on a night out. At home he was drinking 6/8 cans twice a week. Some times more sometimes less. I do not drink. Ever.

We both work full time & have young kids so he doesn't go out with his mates often anymore. Although he did just before Christmas, he arranged to stay over at his mates house as they were going out in his town and it's about 40minutes drive from our home.

So he goes out at 12 mid day and they drink heavily until 11pm when they go back to his mates. As soon as he's friend went to bed my husband got into the car and drove 40 minutes home. He arrived home thankfully in one piece very drunk, by some miracle he hadn't killed anyone or damaged the car. The next morning he was in pieces with guilt and shame, anxiety and depression thinking of the devastation he could of caused to not only our family but others also. He was honestly devastated and embarrassed - rightly so.

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me. My girls could of been burying their daddy or seeing you go to prison. 8 weeks later... he hasn't drank since, didn't touch a drop over Christmas & managed fine.

Now seemingly all is forgotten and he wants to go out with his mates again at the end of the month. I try so hard not to be a nagging wife but I did say you won't drink though? He answered - I might do.

I want to stick to my guns! I don't think he can go out and drink responsibly and I don't want to be married if he is going back to 12 cans a week.
How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

If you’re in business together, that’s a serious problem now.

Oh and after my ex and I split he was caught drink driving but got away with it (due to the rules in the country we live in - one offence just leads to points on licence - a second offence in two years would be a ban). He was caught a second time but the policeman knew him so didn't test him.
Even when my ex's friend drove drunk back from a mountain hut and rolled the car off the mountain, injuring himself (in a life-changing way) and seriously injuring the 4 people in the vehicle with him, that did not stop ex drinking and driving. (This incident also occurred after we had split). Visiting his friend in the hospital did not stop it. Seeing his friend unable to ever participate again in the sports he loved also did not stop it.

Ex has a new girlfriend now and who knows whether he still drinks but at least I am free of it.

One of the horrible things about addictions and problematic alcohol or substance misuse is that under no circumstances can one person make another stop. Even with the best argument and all the evidence in the world. You can and should try to present your argument and evidence but ultimately it's going to come down to him and his own decision and then commitment to change. You cannot make him or do it for him.

Sadly I think he needs to make his own decision and you need to make yours, and be prepared for the fall out of each of those.

Personally I would be seriously thinking about walking away. Sorry op.

Until your husband recognises and accepts that he has a drinking problem, nothing is going to change. Alcoholism is an awful disease and it doesn’t always present itself as the perpetually drunk person, it’s a reliance or falling back on alcohol for whatever purpose it serves the drinker. Your husband needs to work out whether he is capable of having a social drink or two or recognise he cannot stop there and needs to binge. He probably needs more support than you can offer and sadly threats of leaving him will only last so long before he reverts to previous behaviours because it sounds like a compulsion

Like you I don’t drink at all OP and I’m often accused of not knowing what is normal but Britain doesn’t really drink normally, we’re an island of binge drinkers and I’ve witnessed that my entire life. People don’t see it in themselves and don’t want it pointed out.

@Dumblebum

I told him that's it I'm done, if you want a drink we are divorcing this is a step to far for me… How do I approach this with out causing a big arguments or friction or is there no way to do that? We are otherwise a very happy family so just LTB responses are not going to be very helpful

This is so contradictory. On one hand you’re done, and want a divorce, the other you don’t want to leave him or even cause an argument.

I think you need to make your own mind up on your boundaries. False ultimatums to try to manipulate him aren’t going to work.

This.

He’s not going to get sober because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t have a problem with his drinking or he would seek help.

He is trying to make it your job to control his drinking and save him from the consequences of his own actions - this is all typical of a person with an addiction of course.

He’s not going to change so you either live like this or go.

Have you been in touch with Al Anon OP? I suggest you go along to a local meeting if you can . It’s so helpful to speak to others who are in the same situation.

Stick to your guns, he can go out. but he needs to drink AF beer or soft drinks.
Ask him, if realistically he can do that at this time? Will his mates back him up and not try to persuade him otherwise or has he not mentioned being off the booze ?
It doesn’t sound like he’ll be able to do it. He’s not hit that moment when he realises his life is better without booze because he is abusing it and can’t control it.
Sit him down, tell him that the consequences of drinking are that he will lose his family. Immediately loses his family. He’ll struggle to get any access to the kids even. if you can’t be sure they’re safe with their dad alone if he starts drinking when he has then then he won’t be able to have them.
Counselling may help him, or a group but only he can live that forward- he has to want to change, you can’t make him.
I have a good friend who was in a similar situation - the dad came home drunk when he was supposed to be off booze and she kicked him out. He went off for a month and went on benders, did whatever he liked but she refused to let him see the DC. She gave him an ultimatum- us or the booze.
After those weeks he came back and begged for a 2nd chance. That was 10 years ago and he’s been sober ever since. He’s a great guy, an amazing dad, great husband and had filled the booze shaped hole in his life with fitness.
I’ve no doubt that if he’s had chosen booze 10 years ago he wouldn’t be with us now.

Any bad relationship with alcohol is a drink problem and a form of alcoholism, just because he doesn't have a dependency doesn't mean he doesn't have an issue.
Surely he does not want to put himself at risk of being in a similar situation to last time where he risked his life, freedom, family, business and financial security.
If that wasn't enough to make him quit then what will?
I would stick to your guns and point him in the direction of alcohol support and addiction counselling services.
He needs to understand that he was very lucky that he's not behind bars only through the fact that you or no one reported his Drink Driving. The severity of this lack of control, stupidity and risk should in itself be enough for him to get a grip and get help, for his family if nothing else.
If his friendship only revolve around drink then he's destined for disaster unless he changes his friendships or they support him to be tee total.

My exh was a bit like this op.

He could never go out just for 'a couple' - he would be the first out and the last one standing (or not, depending on the state he was in). Life and soul of the party to other people but not to me, his wife and mother of his children.

When I was 31 weeks pregnant with out first baby I was rushed into hospital with complications. We were hopeful I would be allowed home to following day but they wanted to keep me in overnight for observation. In the middle of the night I had a massive bleed and was rushed to theatre for a c-section. They called my ex to tell him to come asap (I was in a hospital 3 mins drive away) and he made it just in time but had also drunk a bottle of wine. He was very lucky that a0 he wasn't pulled over and b) it was 3am so the roads were quiet.

There were other instances of him taking it too far and not knowing when to stop and I would dread it when he went out as I would never know what time he would be home or in what state.

When we separated, he actually told me I make him feel bad for going out with his friends! I never had a problem with hi going out, it was the lying in bed at 1am wondering where the hell he was and what state he was in (he had drunk himself unconscious before) and the "i'm not hungover" the next day, when he clearly was and ruining our family day out that I had a problem with.

He may not see his drinking as a problem op but you do and that's all that matters.

*30 mins drive away, not 3

still can't believe your DH who drives for a living can drink drive heavily because he wants to do so for a night out and you let him?.

Let him??? Let him???
She didn't "let him"
He went out for the evening. Had supposedly arranged to stay over at a friend's. He then drank for 12 hours and decided to drive home instead of staying put until he sobered up which was the original plan.
That had absolutely NOTHING to do with the OP.

There is absolutely nothing you can do when living with someone like that and the OP is in no way responsible for it.

The OP could have reported the drink-driving. It's easy for people to say on here "oh if my husband did that, I'd phone the police". Would you? Would you really? The first time he did it? When you know the entire family's livelihood is at stake?
You'd be more likely to go ballistic and issue an ultimatum and say that the next time it happens you'll be phoning the police. And hope that he sees sense.

However, now that this has happened once, it's clear it will happen again. There is nothing the OP can do to stop it.
So now she has to make a decision. What exactly will happen if he does it again? Will she phone the police and report him? Will she kick him out and divorce him?
And she needs to communicate this clearly and follow through.

A friend of mine did something similar re driving. He scared himself so much he didn't drink for 12 years! He has grown up a lot in that time and has started to have a drink now but he is a different, much calmer person.

I agree your partner shouldn't be driving again at this point. He needs to properly face up to why he does this. Decide what you want and then be clear and strong with him. Make the choice and responsibility and consequence HIS.

Maybe he needs to be arrested and charged for him to see the consequences? In that case he is stupid. Do you want to be with a stupid person OP?

I think tell him if he drinks more than two pints, don't bother coming home as you are done with him. That way he has to take responsibility for his actions. You have to mean it though or it's a pissheads charter.

@ravenmum right thought that is what you meant. Future alcoholics will not thank me for this. But lots of people let someone see them walk in, then they leave. Go back when the meeting is finishing and phone for a lift home. I've also heard on more than one occasion of someone saying they used to drink in AA meetings. But if they get the point where they admit that, they would be sober so something must have been sinking in, drinking or not!! I'm not proud of it, but at the beginning I often went to AA as it gave me an excuse to buy drink on the way home and hide it in my bag. As if DH wouldn't realise I was drunk an hour later!!! Although I kept going and eventually something started to sink in and I'm now sober.

Sorry OP derailing off your subject. You do not have to put up with an alcoholic in your life.

I did find a AA meeting in our town but he refused to go and now he hasn't had a drink in so many weeks I know he will absolutely deny he has any problems with Alcohol.

Just to point out that this drink driving incident was 1 specific incident and not something that has ever happened before or something I would of ever predicted. I could of used any number of examples of his idiocity whilst drunk but of course this is the absolute worst example of it & the one that really shook me to the core about his drinking.

I am not expecting him to get in the car again after a drink. The problem is the cycle he will go out a few times everything will be fine and then a few months down the line after many "fine" nights out he will end up doing something else stupid walking home in the snow and falling asleep outside for another example or kicking off somewhere.

Drink driving would be a deal breaker for me. The fact that you (conditionally) forgave him is more than I would have done, so IMO you are not being at all unreasonable to stick to your "it's me or alcohol, but you can't have both" boundary.

I am not expecting him to get in the car again after a drink.

You weren't expecting it the first time either.

My DH showed me that he had this side literally one month after we were home from our honeymoon. I told him that I didn’t marry that. I wouldn’t have married that, and I would rather be single and happy than married and miserable, so he could get counselling and be sober - with all the accountability around that (including telling all his friends) or fuck off and get a solicitor. We’re still kicking on 18 yrs later.

Tell him straight, if he cares more about his family he won't drink. If he cares more about himself/friends he will drink. If he drinks you divorce him. His choice.

PS. If you are wondering why I didn't call the police on the drink driving it's because he drives for a living so would of had serious consequences on all of us including our kids- like losing our business.

Hmm, so you are happy being complicit when it might affect your family life, how about if he kills someone, and how that would affect their family life?

Stop trying to cure/control/change. You can't.

Get yourself to Al Anon, and make your priority yourself and what you're prepared to tolerate.

I think this childhood is very damaging for your children. Think about them.

I'm in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He's not touched a drop for 18 months and has not been tempted. I met him 2 months after he quit so I was abit oblivious to what he was like before. But we've ofcourse spoke about it. One of things he's told me is he had to be the one who thought right that's it now. He had to be the one who was ready.

He couldn't do it until he hit the bottom. He split from his girlfriend of 8 years. Moved out. Carried on hitting the bottle for 8 months. Then one day he took an overdose. He woke up in hospital and saw his daughter crying and spent 8 days in hospital. He has never looked back but he's still very emotionally allover.

It's a very tricky situation. But unfortunately he's the only one who can do it. There's no point you saying anymore. But you can ofcourse tell him what your limit Is and walk away if its too much x

He is choosing alcohol over your children. By saying you don't even want to consider LTB then you are doing the same. Please don't. I say this as the child of an alcoholic parent (now dead due to it) who has been left with many issues because of it.

[quote recoveringyoungalco]@ravenmum right thought that is what you meant. Future alcoholics will not thank me for this. But lots of people let someone see them walk in, then they leave. Go back when the meeting is finishing and phone for a lift home. I've also heard on more than one occasion of someone saying they used to drink in AA meetings. But if they get the point where they admit that, they would be sober so something must have been sinking in, drinking or not!! I'm not proud of it, but at the beginning I often went to AA as it gave me an excuse to buy drink on the way home and hide it in my bag. As if DH wouldn't realise I was drunk an hour later!!! Although I kept going and eventually something started to sink in and I'm now sober.

Sorry OP derailing off your subject. You do not have to put up with an alcoholic in your life.[/quote]
I'm enough of a cynic to have thought of this scenario (and to presume that he was fine over Xmas as described in the OP because he was secretly drinking). But as you say, taking him there might eventually lead somewhere. OP clearly doesn't want to leave yet...

I am not expecting him to get in the car again after a drink

The issue here is that he has done it once (that you know of) and gotten away with it - wasn't caught by police and didn't have an accident.
The next time he's somewhere drinking he'll remember this and think oh yeah, it was fine the last time, I haven't drunk that much etcetc and do it again.