For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

@Velvetorsilk

No, she shouldn’t.

She’s looking after their son, not taking on the role of unpaid housekeeper.

And if you read her posts, when she does up her hours, she still has to do all the housework.

But she also says she has 2.5 hours child-free each day and that the maximum hours she's tried working is 16? I am really very much for the fair division of labour in a household but under those circumstances of course she should do pretty much everything around the house; she barely works, has a reasonable period of time without childcare responsibilities and he works full-time. I agree that he sounds rubbish in other ways - like his own excessive spending - but it seems unfair to expect anything approaching a 50-50 division under those circumstances.

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like many people have said you have to accept that you need to work more plus spend within your budget. 2 hours a week is as good as not working. I work full time as does my partner, we both work manual/low paid jobs, and it’s exhausting with children and we still never buy what we cannot afford. The chores don’t always get down, our place is messier than friends of mine that work part time but that’s life. Don’t get into the habit of doing it all if,you do more hours or your husband will never step up.
As a pp said work your way up gently with some more hours and you will find it fine - you just need to crack on

I'm a big fan of a benefits system to aid those who can't work as long or for as much as they need to live off.

But it astounds me that a couple with one child can have one FT working parent on a relatively low income and the other parent is then subsidised massively for only working 2 hours a week.

Unbelievable.

Will earning more money make a difference if you have no impulse control on your spending and your dp is even worse? 2 hours to full time is a huge jump, why is this the title? Take on more hours, and concentrate on fixing the spending. Can you clear out some things as well? Paying off debts is a valuable use of money.

I think you need to take a breathe here and step back. I can smell your panic.

You and DH together need to both understand that you have a huge spending problem and both commit to tackling it. There is clearly significant scope for cutting your expenditure down without a joy free existence.

The tone of your messages seems to be that you are resigned to this over spending and somehow it can’t be helped. Yes you may have conditions that make this harder work for you but can’t use this an an excuse not to put the effort in.

I don’t think working more hours by itself will solve the problem as I imagine both you and DH will tell yourselves you can spend more, you work hard so you deserve it, you don’t have time to plan etc etc. so you’ll be in just as bad a situation as now.

Make this a pivotal moment in your life OP where you decide to turn things around. You can do it, you can.

Could you walk to the pond & feed the ducks or go to the playground instead of paying out for soft play. Look for toddler groups in your area which will help you to build confidence socially, homestart do free groups.
You need to plan your week, break it down day to day what you are going to do, meal plan the whole week which will cut down on food waste.
Lowering your debt is your no.1 priority, look on local fb pages for jobs, ask the job centre if there are any get back into work courses you can go on. Apply for everything you can. Working will give you a sense of achievement and self respect and obviously give you an income. You could also contact cab for help with budgeting. There is also good info on the Martin Lewis website which should help you.
The only person that can turn things around is you, you need to want to change or you will be stuck jn the same position in a years time.

Most people don't want to work full time but have to in order to provide for their families.

I would barely count 2 hours a week as even part time. You could easily pick up additional hours on evenings and weekends if you wanted to but you don't. Sorry but sounds like you are lazy, entitled and happy to receive handouts from benefits rather than work like most people.

Why is it ok for your DH to work full time and not you? I feel sorry for him.

Do you have a written budget?

If not, you need to do that and yes, you need to either earn more or spend less. It really is that simple and maybe having it all written down might help you manage it better.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I agree. I am all for the benefits system for people that cannot work but for those who just don't want to work/are terrible with money it doesn't seem fair that they are subsidised so heavily. DH and I both work so hard, can't afford any more kids, have almost no disposable income at the end of the month but are just above the thresholds for any support.

[quote Wazza89]@Toanewstart22 I’m aware and will start looking. Thank you.[/quote]
So if you’re aware
No point in your thread
You’re going to HAVE to look for 30 hour a week job imminently
So what you want for out the window

If you start working more hours it will be easier to think "this hair dye is 1 hours work" etc.

Hi OP.

I do empathise, I can understand it must be hard fitting in work with a kid who is showing early signs of ASD plus potentially having a neurodiversity yourself.

However, I think you know YAB slightly U. You can't live a champagne lifestyle on a cava budget for too long.

I was going to suggest as someone else suggested call centre work - could you look for something like this? Many office jobs offer remote working now - as long as you have a room to work in away from your kid for a few hours you might find it helps!

Wishing you all the best!

If you worked more, 16hrs you could get 30 free hours of childcare as opposed to 15.
You need to work to have money, as others have said it’s a luxury to only have 1 parent work.

It seems you already know the issue. Take a flask and pack lunch. Same for partner or he gives up other items, contracts.

Can you get help paying for a college course to train in something with more prospects, you might get help with childcare too. Or do it online.

It is hard in the early days, you need to cut your cloth accordingly and lose the delusion that you should have things like a car, air fryer etc. If you can't afford it for now, take a different route. In a few years you could be completely financially sorted.

There’s a massive gap between working 2 hours a week and working full time!

Could you change his hours? I had the same problem but compressed my daughter’s hours to 2 full days (9-2.45) and 1 half day. Now I work part time for those 2 days.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'm a big fan of a benefits system to aid those who can't work as long or for as much as they need to live off.

But it astounds me that a couple with one child can have one FT working parent on a relatively low income and the other parent is then subsidised massively for only working 2 hours a week.

Unbelievable.

I have to admit that I find this shocking as well.

Won’t you get help with childcare because you’re on UC?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I'm a big fan of a benefits system to aid those who can't work as long or for as much as they need to live off.

But it astounds me that a couple with one child can have one FT working parent on a relatively low income and the other parent is then subsidised massively for only working 2 hours a week.

Unbelievable.

It gives people on benefits a bad name.

I mean yes you will have to work more than 2 hours a week if you want to get out of debt.

YABU, you don’t need to work full time, but deff more! And if you are worried about your child’s social skills then they would get more from more time in a childcare setting than from just being with you, so you wouldn’t be letting your child down. You don’t need 2 cars plus public transport either, sounds like you need to face your reality and work more and spend less to be honest. Step change are great at helping with budgets if you arnt already using them for your debt, I really recommend phoning them as it helps organise stuff.

We have something called MABs here in Ireland who are free and impartial advisors on debt/ money management. I had a quick google www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en seem to be a UK equivalent maybe try them

You need to speak to DH. As you are a household and childcare/ house work seems to be completely down to you, you need to have joint finances. It sounds like you both are pretty poor at money management. Buying lunch out every day is something he can certainly change to save money. One of the cars needs to go. You need to really consider any clothing purchase.

One of the biggest things will be separating needs and wants. If you need a new pair of jeans because your old ones are worn out yes buy a pair. But if you just like how a new pair look but don't need them, don't buy them.

Also I think you will have to look for some more work. Could you do some more cleaning jobs? Or as a PP said clean pubs/ clubs at weekends when DH won't be working so childcare won't be an issue. Pick up a few evening shifts in a local shop/ pub/ cafe?

You're looking at it the wrong way too, it isn't only going towards paying off your debt, it is working towards living a debt free life.

Could you get a paper round?