For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

[Ovenaffray]

I was on benefits. I have nothing against benefits. I still am (I get pip)

But I worked full time when I was on tax credits. Not 2 hours a week. And I had a 90min commute each way and was absolutely on my knees with exhaustion.

It’s absolutely shocking to only work 2 hours a week and be topped up to the tune of 700 a month when your partner is earning over 1400 a month.

[autienotnaughty]

I think you are absolutely right to work part time and focus on your mental health and your child. But you and other half need to sit down and go through finances. See what u pay out (bills, food, petrol) then see what you both have left. Make sure it's equal. At the same time look at what can be cut back on. Can you shop some where cheaper for food? Aldi is fab in my opinion. Try to go back to packed lunches /snacks/drinks if oh wants gluten free I'd get it. It's really good for gut even if not coeliac. Definitely still go soft play good for you and little one. I keep snacks and drinks in change bag so I don't have to remember to take them they are already there. Have you been referred to pathway for asd? You could apply for DLA if you feel ds needs warrant it and then if you were awarded the middle payment you could claim carers. That's an additional £600 ish a month for both payments.

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

OP has a child possibly with asd

OP has issues too - possibly adhd

This Isnt someone who is just ‘lazy’ and ‘sponging off taxpayers’

OP something VERY important would be to pursue formal diagnoses for yourself and your dc. Can you make a gp appt and get the ball rolling

Next priority is immediate budgeting from today. Then go from there

[KiloWhat]

@DefinitelySureThatImNotsure I get that but upping hours bit, even to 4 is a start.

[Ovenaffray]

I have ASD traits. One of my children is diagnosed and another has a physical disability.

I can’t cope with another round of diagnosis at the minute.

But honestly. 2 hours a week of work is ridiculous.

[Sasketchewoo]

OP I think if you do have ADHD and you have a child who does end up having autism then you need to take this time to really think about how to make things sustainable work-wise. Use this time as breathing space to look at different jobs and training courses so that when you get offered something you know it will be achievable. Realistically others with ADHD are holding down jobs so the thing is to look at what kind and why does that work for them? Is it better working alone? With a team? Outdoors? Somewhere where the job is very repetitive or where it changes a lot?

I had lots of barriers to working healthwise and spent years being terrified I couldn't sort things out for myself and then I worked out a way of starting a business that would work around my issues. It's been such a relief and it's thrived because it's set up around my needs.

You are at a huge advantage in that there are lots of jobs going right now. Your first post also shows lots of insight into where you're falling down right now - because you know where you're slipping up you can make changes more easily. Have you had any kind of debt management help or advice as to how to get on track with spending? There must be tips available online as to how to change your habits.

[Everydaydayisaschoolday]

You can't spend like you do and work PT. To carry on as you are you will have to earn more money.

I worked PT or not at all when the children were small but we had to sacrifice to manage that. That means no coffees or expensive snacks when out, packed lunches (which don't have to sandwiches) walking everywhere, new clothes for DCs only and a lot of them second hand, toy libraries, trips to the park not soft play etc etc.

I'd be embarrassed to be a grown woman and write what you have. Imagine shrugging off getting into debt for trivia because you are 'scatty'. That's so irresponsible.

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

[quote KiloWhat]@DefinitelySureThatImNotsure I get that but upping hours bit, even to 4 is a start.[/quote]
I can’t speak for the OP but even that may be too much. With an asd child and a parent with adhd it could just be totally overwhelming and counter productive. OP needs professional advice from someone irl I think as we can’t possibly know how each thing will impact their family and it sounds like a set of very difficult circumstances

[LemonLimelight]

I voted that YANBU because I also don't work full time and don't intend to. I think your working hours aren't the issue. What you need to sort out is your budget. You describe quite a disorganised situation where you are both spending money unnecessarily. Once you've sorted your essential spending out including what needs to go on debts, cut out the things you don't need or even want you can then work out what extra spending you choose to spend to enjoy life and whether you need to work more to allow it.

[Tsuni]

@Coffeepot72

OP - people like you are why this country is on it's arse.

Op isn’t a politician

[MrsWinters]

I’d hire a cleaner for 2 hours a week.

But if you go up to 16hours your debt repayments will go up, until it’s paid off and then you’ll have more to spend.

Unless you’re a member of the landed gentry you need to work I’m afraid. It’s west the rest of us have to do

[Keke94LND]

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

You can't spend like you do and work PT. To carry on as you are you will have to earn more money.

I worked PT or not at all when the children were small but we had to sacrifice to manage that. That means no coffees or expensive snacks when out, packed lunches (which don't have to sandwiches) walking everywhere, new clothes for DCs only and a lot of them second hand, toy libraries, trips to the park not soft play etc etc.

I'd be embarrassed to be a grown woman and write what you have. Imagine shrugging off getting into debt for trivia because you are 'scatty'. That's so irresponsible.

Yep, even if op has adhd (which I have btw) getting a diagnosis isn't going to magically make it better, if you think you have adhd and some of the issues are related to that, you have to find ways to combat those symptoms, not just say 'ah it's just what I'm like, it's cause I have adhd' you have to actively work on it

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

@Ovenaffray

I have ASD traits. One of my children is diagnosed and another has a physical disability.

I can’t cope with another round of diagnosis at the minute.

But honestly. 2 hours a week of work is ridiculous.

I can’t manage ANY hours so actually I think OP is doing well, I get pip and UC and my partner works part time.
Instead of telling OP she’s not doing enough maybe we should be offering more support ? I couldn’t do 2 hours. I’m so stressed all the time and the anxiety before hand would be too much, the exhaustion after etc so I think OP is doing well.

Some things need improving yes, budgeting and taking more responsibility and using more responsible language eg not a trivial scatty remark but saying ‘right yes I do spend too much and I need to address that’ etc but I don’t think OP needs harshness they are doing better than I could so actually we need to focus on the positives

[blahblahx]

I would up your hours at your current job. Even if it's 4 hours a week. No one is telling you to work full time but getting at least part time hours is more reasonable for your spending habits.

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

@LemonLimelight

I voted that YANBU because I also don't work full time and don't intend to. I think your working hours aren't the issue. What you need to sort out is your budget. You describe quite a disorganised situation where you are both spending money unnecessarily. Once you've sorted your essential spending out including what needs to go on debts, cut out the things you don't need or even want you can then work out what extra spending you choose to spend to enjoy life and whether you need to work more to allow it.

I agree - an immediate budget could actually help more than an increase in working hours

[Meandthesky]

You and DP both sound very immature, spending money you don’t have and not wanting to earn your own money but prefer to have it handed to you for free

YABU to only work 2 hours a week when you’re capable of doing more.

[Iwonder08]

Work more and spend less? Nobody wants to work full time, some people don't want to work at all.. They just have to. I wouldn't bank on being able to receive your benefits long term. The country is running out of money and I fully expect them revising the benefits system and making sure people who can work actually do work

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

Also as well as an immediate budget could you sort your wardrobe and sell some bits ?

It sounds to me like even if you did a month of no soft play no coffees etc out you’d feel a massive impact

[RoomOfRequirement]

Of course YABU. Surely you see that!

I actually love the benefits system in the UK and think it needs expanding to help more people in need.

You are not in need. You don't want to work, and we shouldn't have to pay for that. I actually really hope this is not true, because you're giving so much fuel to the benefit bashers on here who assume everyone is lazy. They're not, but you are.

[WaterBottle123]

You're financially dependent on a man who overspends, doesn't pull his weight round house and makes you give him petrol money!!

Get a job immediately, you're position is extended vulnerable and scary

[Figgygal]

Its not ft hours or nothing you know
You cant afford your lifestyle and could be doing more
You choosing not to isn't right if impacting your ds quality of life

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

@RoomOfRequirement

Of course YABU. Surely you see that!

I actually love the benefits system in the UK and think it needs expanding to help more people in need.

You are not in need. You don't want to work, and we shouldn't have to pay for that. I actually really hope this is not true, because you're giving so much fuel to the benefit bashers on here who assume everyone is lazy. They're not, but you are.

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

[arethereanyleftatall]

You know full well you could get a 2 hour per day cleaning job whilst your dcis in school. One advert on Facebook will do it. You just don't want to.

[rookiemere]

Apologies if this has already been suggested, you could earn a bit from doing on line surveys- you gov seems like a reputable site. The money isn't amazing but it's something you could so with half an eye on your DC, and apparently you can earn £1k a year in casual earnings without it impacting anything.

You do need to take a long hard look at your outgoings though. Cars are expensive to run and you could use the money from selling one.

Buy a loaf of gluten free bread and either DH or yourself makes the pack lunch for him.

Soft play is expensive, particularly if you're paying for the overpriced coffee and snacks, could you see if there are any playgroups or Mother and toddler sessions nearby that you could go to that will be less expensive. Or some soft plays offer monthly or annual membership which may work out cheaper in the long run. At the very least smuggle in your own snacks from home.

[DefinitelySureThatImNotsure]

OP needs to get some assistance with adhd/asd and the correct support in place around that .
Budgeting is a massive factor here

Everyone saying increase hours / get a job immediately is missing the point that it may not be the answer. It’s sounds like OP needs support for a set of difficultly circumstances and medical issues that make life very difficult. The financial issues could be remedied through other ways that won’t further stress out OP / OPs dc if these conditions are present