For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

UC can cover up to 85% of childcare costs per month. Up to £646 so it covers a fair bit. Even if you have a 16 hours a week job it will make a difference. Especially with the 55p taper rate and higher work allowance now.

Write down a budget including some bits for saving. That way if you want to make a purchase you’ll have a buffer in your savings account.

No, she shouldn’t.

She’s looking after their son, not taking on the role of unpaid housekeeper.

And if you read her posts, when she does up her hours, she still has to do all the housework.

It's not rocket science. By the sounds of it you already know what you need to do, you just don't want too.

2 hours a week work for a grown adult unless there are health limitations is just ridiculous.

I worked 12 hours a week when my youngest was a baby, then upped it to 18 hours when I had my second child. Now they are both at school I do 24 hours. My DH is full time, so around 36 hours. Yes childcare bills were high to begin with and took a lot of my wages but it's worth it in the end.

Your lifestyle is unsustainable to be honest and YABU to expect anyone to agree with you

You need to spend less and earn more. Now its true that youve got some extra obstacles but you need to start looking for earning opportunities that you can fit around.

Ditch the soft play and find some playgroups. Does the library have anything? Can you get your utilities cheaper?

The thing is, you need dh on side. So unless he is willing to make changes to his spending too then you might as well give up.

You are both parents. You have a responsibility to provide a stable home. That is even more important if ds has asd. You need to ensure you can give him that upbringing.

Would it help to get dh on side if you got a neutral third party to advise?

I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger

What?

@FeckingCovid I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I do struggle with organisation and time management though. I actually envy people who manage to hold down a full time job on top of looking after their DC because I found it so difficult when I did work weekends/16 hours. It’s embarrassing for me to admit this but it’s true. Didn’t help by Dh not pulling his weight around the house.

Op

For the second time

You are going to be required by UC to look for work when your child is 3
30 hours a week

YABU not to try to find a few more hours given the financial situation you describe. You’re not unreasoned to want to not do full time job, but 2 hrs when you could clearly easily work more just doesn’t make sense to me.

Bringing so little in and complaining about you partner feels a little unfair too.m

@Toanewstart22 I’m aware and will start looking. Thank you.

@AllFriendsIn

If you want more money you’ll have to work for it. It’s what most people do.

Completely.

A whole 2 hours a week working when you're struggling for money.

Solution is obvious.

You don't even have to work full time 40 hours op.

Just 16-20 hours at this stage. Then move up to full time or 9-3 when DC is in full time school.

YANBU to not want to work full time, but if you don't want to increase your hours even by a little bit, you need to take responsibility for managing your finances.

You've identified some things you could do differently - don't instantly replace things that break; wait until you can afford them. Be organised and pack lunches and snacks when you and your child go out. (This doesn't need to be a full on picnic - preparing a simple sandwich, piece of fruit and grabbing a bottle of water won't take long.) If travelling by public transport is feasible where you live, sell your car. Get an exercise book and write down absolutely everything you spend every day. Compare this to the amount of money coming in so you can see if it's possible to make cuts on your spending anywhere. (Stop buying impulse purchases like air fryers and clothes. Consider whether you're buying things to cheer yourself up and, if you are, try to figure out other ways to improve your mood long term.) You need to prepare a budget and stick to it. If, after cutting back as much as possible, you still can't make ends meet, you need to increase your working hours. There's simply no way around it.

On the working hours subject, can you do an hour a day as a lunch lady at a local school? Every school in my area is constantly advertising these jobs as it's hard to find someone local who wants so few hours and is able to give up an hour in the middle of the day.

@Whatinthelord maybe if I was sponging off him and expecting him to pay for everything, but I’m not!

You work 2 hours a week, you're complaining you're in debt and you're asking if it's unreasonable to not want to work more? Yes, you are being incredibly unreasonable.

If it matters enough you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse. You are very good at coming up with excuses at the moment.

You say you're bad at organisation and money management, well what are you doing in the 166 hours in a week that aren't being taken up by work? Maybe at least work on gaining some skills in money management if you're not going to pick up any extra work.

Honestly OP, I know a lot of mums with young children don't want to work part time hours because there is no point moneywise and not better off, but you need to consider your future jobs prospects for when DC is in school and further down the line in high school, because you will have nothing behind you and no skills for employability for when you are ready to go full time.

Surely it is work doing some part time hours now for training and skills and building work experience up so you will be able to land some sort of career for when you are ready to?

Look into other ways of bringing in a bit more money - can you sell some of your unwanted purchases online? EBay is not great TBH as everyone wants everything really, really cheaply. Your local FB marketplace is better for some things but also tends to attract wingnuts and timewasters - however, if you have young DC selling stuff online is not too bad an option as it is one of the few things you can do with not much outlay and odd bits of time here and there.
But your H needs to put some effort in as well - can he sell (or at least agree to the selling of) some of his impulse purchases? And stop spending money recklessly?

It is enormously difficult to be employed (as distinct from 'working') when you have young DC, unless you have good contacts and specialist skills, because young DC get every bug going and you are forever having to keep them home from nursery and even primary school: jobs with decent, understanding employers are hard to find so it's often an ongoing circus of getting let go for too much time off, having to find another equally shit job, again getting let go for not being willing to do unpaid overtime at short notice, etc.

I don’t want to work full time time either but I want nice things for the children and for myself so I do. I can’t afford not to work and neither can you by the sounds of it.

If you aren’t willing to work right now could you use this time to study so that when dc does start reception you will have better qualifications and hopefully be able to find better paid work?

I have ADHD and it is barely under control with stimulant medication. If you suspect you have it and it is impacting your life so negatively, you really need to pursue a diagnosis so you can access treatment.

I really do get it - I got myself into horrendous debt when I was younger and even though that's cleared now, I still have shitty impulse control around spending. I also struggle with organisation, prioritisation, time management, keeping my house clean and managing tasks and deadlines at work.

However, you have responsibilities so you can't just say "it's too hard" and continue the way you are going. You need to learn to work with your ADHD traits and bring in more money however you can.

I have physical disabilities. I also have mh issues and I think I’m on the spectrum.

I have to keep myself and a dd still at uni.

I don’t want to work either like.

But it’s what I have to do if I want to be able to provide for my daughter who I am still financially responsible for.

Start by gently increasing the work hours. Perhaps one evening eg cleaning job and then up to three evenings once you are more used to it. Something like that?

[quote Wazza89]@Whatinthelord maybe if I was sponging off him and expecting him to pay for everything, but I’m not![/quote]
Nope, you're expecting the Universal Credit to pay for the lot. Seriously. Increase your hours. Retail and hospitality are crying out for staff.

So you expect us to work to pay taxes to pay for your treats? Delightful.

YABU.

Your post title is misleading, you're not talking about working full time, only part time still, just more hours.

I think you need to look at taking on a couple of evenings' work, or maybe one of the weekend days plus an evening at the very least. The sooner your debt is paid off, the better off you'll be.

If you're at work you'll not be able to spend money on crap during working hours which will help.

Agree with a PP - sell your unwanted clothes. You have 10 hours a week with nothing to do but housework, surely that's ample time to sort out your clothing. Or do it in the evening when your DH is home.

You sound terribly disorganised, but rather than trying to do something about it you're just saying that's how you are and there's nothing that can be done. Not true at all! I'm naturally terribly organised, but you'd never know it - I have to manage myself through rigid self-control. E.g. if I book something, I'll IMMEDIATELY enter the details into my phone's calendar, and set an alarm beforehand when it's almost time to start preparing (food, change of clothes, kit if it's swimming...etc.).

If you don't even try, nothing will change, and your DS will grow up going without things because you couldn't be arsed to get organised.

The thing is, even small changes will make a difference. I can’t currently work due to ill health.

You and DH should have a joint account that all the bills come out of. You should both pay in a percentage that means you have the same spends each month, ie, he pays more in. That way, if he chooses to buy lunch every day it is from his money.

The coffees, snacks and soft play will really add up. I always take a flask for me, plus water or hot Ribena or chocolate for the kids plus sandwiches/ snacks. I don’t pay for soft play- parks when dry or museums/ library/ Pets at home/ garden centres when wet. I buy cheap ice creams from Aldi in the summer and they have those after the park rather than from the ice cream man.

You should also go down to one car, if you are not using it. The most sensible thing is for DH to end his car agreement but if he refuses to, he can pay the cost for that and you can sell your inherited car. We run one (old) car and the kids and I walk everywhere.

I think it is doable on your joint income. If you do work more (which would be more sensible) then DH has to take on more of the household jobs and provide proper care for DS (not stick him in front of the telly and order a deliveroo whilst you are working!)

If I’m out with the kids, I don’t take any money so they can’t nag me for stuff - they just know that I don’t carry money or buy snacks and they don’t ask now,