For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

I think you’re better off cutting costs with Ds so little - that’s both you and DH cutting costs.

If you’re going to work weekends as your DH wants he needs to be clear as to where he’s going to step up to relieve you of corresponding household tasks

[quote Wazza89]@BriansTail DS is only in school 2 and a half hours. I do some cleaning once a week, but don’t think anyone is going to hire me for 2 hours a day.[/quote]
Won't you get a lot of your childcare paid for if you are on UC?

Yes, it won't be too long before UC will expect you to work more hours.

In the meantime both of you need to stop spending and perhaps seek help to budget and manage your debt.

You need to work more.
Your division of household expenses needs a reform.
You need to get tough with yourself and manage your own money. No kid needs soft play let alone twice a week.

No one wants to work. But if you want things you have to pay for them and for that you need a job.

Why should others pay your way? Ffs even teenagers at college work more hours than you.

Grow up, stop sponging and get a job.

I can’t work due to asd/adhd And I get pip-could you apply ?

There's a big gap between 2 hours a week and full time. Can you look for a part time job? It sounds like you think it's funny you're scatty. It's not. You're an adult with a child. You need to earn more by working like everyone else or stop being 'scatty' and cut the spending.

Also does your dc get dla if they may have asd ? That would help things too if they qualify

In the meantime it’s worth trying really hard with budgeting which will help immensely, meal plans etc I also find this helps with adhd to have plans clearly set out lists stuck up etc

If you can work more than 2 hours a week I think you need to really. It's not a matter of wanting to, your financial situation is in dire need of more income and reduced outgoings.

You have a DH problem.
If you work more you still do everything in the house?
Why do you need childcare? Can’t DH do it?
Why do you pay for family stuff - like fuel, things for the kids, bills etc out of your money. And DH pays for things for himself out of his money? Why do you need to give Dh fuel money? Are you not going places together? And you could presumably use both cars? Why are you putting fuel in a car and running a car when you go in DHs car or on the bus?
Why didn’t DH want to put you on his car?
You’re in debt and he doesn’t want to return his car? Why can’t he make his own lunch? Presumably he finishes work about 5pm - what’s he doing the rest of the day if it’s not childcare, cleaning, cooking, shopping etc.
Just leave him? What’s he contributing? Barely financially and certainly not in mental or physical load.
You’ll never get on top of it all financially without his buy in, unless you work more and keep your money secret.

Impulsive spending and overspending is a very common trait of ADHD. It's all to do with the lack of dopamine in the brain, which the shopping fulfils. So for everyone saying 'just stop spending so much', it's not actually that easy. If you can get a diagnosis, therapy and medication, then this will help.

I do agree with everyone who says that you should work more hours though. I know that childcare is expensive, but OH and I used to work opposite shifts so that there was always someone at home for the kids. Luckily I now work from home so I can do the school runs and still see OH every evening. It was tough but needs must. He also took on a second job as security in nightclubs. We now bring in 4.5k per month between us and have no childcare costs as we have both been able to work our way up in our jobs.

Your spending is way out of control. Try a budget on a spreadsheet and see if you can save any money to pay off the debt. Eg. If I don't dye my hair I can pay of £5 more of the debt

Tbf I went to LTB pretty quickly there
But that’s because I’m assuming you’ve actually had multiple conversations with him prior to coming to MN
If not
Clearly you need to do that first.
Work out your finances, work out your outgoings and incomings each.
Work out what should be joint spending ans what is personal and then see what’s left. If it’s nothing you work more or spend less.

Why are you both allowed to claim benefits when 1 works full time?! Get a full time job like the rest of us do and stop living off handouts off the government when you're fully capable of getting off your arse.

I also think the DH sounds really unsupportive. She has to give him fuel money? He refuses to stop spending? She has to do everything around the house?

Yes yabu. Both you and your oh.

Pool all the family money.
Stop spending money on coffee, hair, lunches out.
Get yourself a budget.
Get yourself a job and childcare.

If you don't want to do any of those things, accept being skint, in debt and stressed about it.

Could you work evenings? The pubs and restaurants where I live are crying out for staff.

The only way to have more money is to earn more money, I can't imagine most people could get by on 2 hours work a week.

Get a full time job like the rest of us do

It’s actually fairly common for parents (mostly but not always women) to reduce their working hours with children stats

A full time job is only helpful if you can live off it.

Most people don’t want to work full time! You know what the problem is - not enough money to cover your debts/lifestyle choices but you don’t appear to like the obvious solution. Not meaning to be rude but that’s part of being an adult - taking responsibility for your decisions and doing what’s necessary to improve things.

You can feel all you like about not wanting to work more but that’s not going to change the facts of your situation, which sounds precarious.

@Velvetorsilk

It is difficult with young children because the costs of childcare are prohibitive if you’re not on a reasonably good salary.

But if she worked more hours she would have more income to cover this.

These kinds of posts are so annoying, if you want to spend, you need to work, it's not a choice.

@Velvetorsilk

I also think the DH sounds really unsupportive. She has to give him fuel money? He refuses to stop spending? She has to do everything around the house?

If she only works 2hours per week, then yes, she should be doing everything around the house, with a child or not!

I don't understand why you've set it up as a choice between you working full-time or you continuing to work two hours a week (which is so marginally different to not working at all). You could work a lot, lot more than you do without working full-time and while spending a lot of time with your DS too.

You say he goes to 'school' (I assume you mean a nursery or pre-school) 2.5 hours a day, I guess because you're getting 15 hours funding? Is there really no option to consolidate that into longer hours for a couple of days rather than a ridiculously short session every day, to give you a window to work? Or can't you (don't you?) use that time you have child-free every day to clean so that not doing it at the weekends isn't such a big deal?

YABU. Your spending is ridiculous given you have significant debt. You need to earn more money if you want more to spend. Yes if you earn more you’ll pay more of the debt off first (quite rightly) but once the debt is fully paid you’ll have more spending money. This is all your doing and instead of taking responsibility you’re upset you have to work more than 2 hours a week? Working that little is a huge privilege. Plan for significantly increasing your hours when your child starts school so you can pay back the debt and afford the smaller cost of wraparound care.

Evening work and weekend work is very easy to find.
No extra childcare to pay as DH will have them as he's told you.

I find it quite frustrating tbh, no one likes to work but sadly we all have to (majority)

2 hours a week just seems ridiculous to me.

People are always looking for a cleaner for a couple of hours round here. Put an ad out on local Facebook. Look for a pub job even just two evenings a week. Most of us have to work for a living.