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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to work full time?

501 replies

Wazza89 · 19/01/2022 10:38

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

OP posts:
PattyPan · 20/01/2022 19:19

Morally cheating the system then, I didn't mean that she had committed any fraud or anything like that. It's breaking the social code which is that benefits are there to help those who need them. Not to enable people who are perfectly capable of working to choose not to. I guess it's a flaw in the way UC has been designed that it creates this apparent disincentive to work.

Liveandlove91 · 20/01/2022 19:30

I don't understand why they are not making you get more work when I was on it you had to be doing at least 16 hours and if you wasn't they would find you a job. Shocking. I would love to stay home with my kids but that's not how life is

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/01/2022 20:48

@Liveandlove91

I don't understand why they are not making you get more work when I was on it you had to be doing at least 16 hours and if you wasn't they would find you a job. Shocking. I would love to stay home with my kids but that's not how life is
That's only if you're single. It's different for couples, as long as one of them is working full time hours the other doesn't have to work at all.
OniferousWasp · 20/01/2022 20:59

@dressedstressed

YANBU.

I don't work at all and have one child who is 6 and I really struggle to do everything that is needed. I can't relax in a messy house and constantly have a checklist of things that need doing. How parents with multiple children who both work full-time cope is beyond me! Life is just too much stress as it is.

We do it because we recognise that we have go to, not because it’s easy or not stressful.
Dollyparton3 · 20/01/2022 21:56

OP if I work out what you're paid vs what I'm paid it's shocking. I work 60 hours a week in a job that I've trained and trained and trained in for 20 years and I've not had kids. I have huge levels of responsibility and stress. I think my hourly rate breaks down as half of what you're "paid" to work 2 hours a week. I think you can understand why a lot of people are upset about on here

betwixtlives · 20/01/2022 22:24

Is this a joke?!

DrCoconut · 20/01/2022 22:50

Surely OP's DH/DP's income will mean that she is not required to look for more work when their child is 3 as they will meet the income threshold? Unless it's changed very recently.

Shablam · 20/01/2022 22:58

Cut the luxuries and live within your means like everyone else I guess? Sort your wardrobe, take a flask to soft play, cut all the purchases on finance.

converseandjeans · 20/01/2022 23:14

YABU as you're not even really working part time.

DH earned similar when we had DD & went back to work as teacher when DD was 4 months old. It never occurred to me to ask for UC. But you're actually getting a decent chunk of money there for doing no work.

Part of your childcare is covered so you don't need to pay for all the hours. I think you must get 15 hours free. We got nothing and most of my salary went on childcare.

I never had money to buy stuff out like drinks & lunch. I also could only really afford soft play as a treat.

You're living as if you're working. You need to cut back.

KosherDill · 21/01/2022 00:45

@Dollyparton3

OP if I work out what you're paid vs what I'm paid it's shocking. I work 60 hours a week in a job that I've trained and trained and trained in for 20 years and I've not had kids. I have huge levels of responsibility and stress. I think my hourly rate breaks down as half of what you're "paid" to work 2 hours a week. I think you can understand why a lot of people are upset about on here

Wow! That adds perspective.

KosherDill · 21/01/2022 00:51

@Waxonwaxoff0

Yes, I notice that if a woman is a SAHP with a well off husband she is a saint, probably works harder than he does, being a SAHP is work.

When a woman mentions she is a SAHP and they get UC as a family, she's LAZY, needs to "get off her arse" and get a job.

Being a SAHP is either hard work or it isn't. Essentially some people on this thread are saying SAHPs are lazy.

No, they're saying they don't want to pay able adults to be SAHp.

Whatever a couple works out between them, at their own expense, is a completely separate topic.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/01/2022 05:55

@KosherDill well, you don't really have a choice, so not wanting to makes no difference. Get mad at the system if you don't like it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/01/2022 05:57

@Dollyparton3

OP if I work out what you're paid vs what I'm paid it's shocking. I work 60 hours a week in a job that I've trained and trained and trained in for 20 years and I've not had kids. I have huge levels of responsibility and stress. I think my hourly rate breaks down as half of what you're "paid" to work 2 hours a week. I think you can understand why a lot of people are upset about on here
That's not OP's fault though is it? Getting upset at an individual who has no personal control over the system is silly. She's claiming what she is legally entitled to claim.
Brieandcamembert · 21/01/2022 07:25

That's not OP's fault though is it? Getting upset at an individual who has no personal control over the system is silly. She's claiming what she is legally entitled to claim.

I think the point of frustration is that just because you can do something doesn't mean morally you should do it and how can we have a system where a working age adult can just choose not to work if they don't fancy it and the tax payer foots the bill?

Even as a child I worked for my pocket money. You can't just go to the government like Oliver with hands out asking for money because work is a bit tiring.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/01/2022 07:36

@Brieandcamembert

That's not OP's fault though is it? Getting upset at an individual who has no personal control over the system is silly. She's claiming what she is legally entitled to claim.

I think the point of frustration is that just because you can do something doesn't mean morally you should do it and how can we have a system where a working age adult can just choose not to work if they don't fancy it and the tax payer foots the bill?

Even as a child I worked for my pocket money. You can't just go to the government like Oliver with hands out asking for money because work is a bit tiring.

Morals don't pay the bills. If people were paid decent wages and childcare was affordable then we wouldn't need this system.
Croissantly · 21/01/2022 08:03

That's only if you're single. It's different for couples, as long as one of them is working full time hours the other doesn't have to work at all.

That seems unfair, so women who are parenting alone (let's be honest its overwhelmingly) women are forced into work and juggle everything at home by themselves, but if you're in a couple one of you doesn't have to look for work even though the other person doesn't earn enough to buy the basics? Single parents should be eligible until school age imo.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/01/2022 08:46

@Croissantly

That's only if you're single. It's different for couples, as long as one of them is working full time hours the other doesn't have to work at all.

That seems unfair, so women who are parenting alone (let's be honest its overwhelmingly) women are forced into work and juggle everything at home by themselves, but if you're in a couple one of you doesn't have to look for work even though the other person doesn't earn enough to buy the basics? Single parents should be eligible until school age imo.

I'm a single parent and still on the old style tax credits which works much better for me especially regarding claiming for childcare costs (I work 28 hours a week on min wage) if I went onto UC I would be worse off. I think UC does work out better for couples whereas the old tax credits were better for single parents.
Twinkleylight · 21/01/2022 09:06

Looks like the op won't be returning to the thread, if you're reading this then please improve your finances. Not by applying for more benefits but by increasing your working hours. If you can only work 2 hours a day, then that's 10 or 14 hours a week depending on 5 or 7 working days. That's much better than the only 2 hours a week you're currently working. Model a decent work ethic for your kids otherwise they'll grow up thinking claiming benefits is a lifestyle choice.

wallysally · 21/01/2022 09:34

@Waxonwaxoff0 morals don't pay no but even someone on a decent wage can't afford to only work 2 hours a week c'mon...

MabelsApron · 21/01/2022 11:11

@Dollyparton3

OP if I work out what you're paid vs what I'm paid it's shocking. I work 60 hours a week in a job that I've trained and trained and trained in for 20 years and I've not had kids. I have huge levels of responsibility and stress. I think my hourly rate breaks down as half of what you're "paid" to work 2 hours a week. I think you can understand why a lot of people are upset about on here
I'm with you - been training for 10 years this year, I work 55 hours per week, and I'm on roughly 1/3 of what the OP gets per hour.

It's shocking.

SC215 · 21/01/2022 13:18

2 hours a week of work, 2 x 52 = 104 hours. 104 ÷ 37.5 = 2.77 (weeks if you were full time @ 37.5 hours). People who work full time have already worked more hours than you will work this whole year OP, that's what's pissing people off.

You've posted threads before about being unhappy with your partner and your mum having to buy things like shoes for your DS. Your situation doesn't sound sustainable. I don't think anyone really wants to work, but they do it because they need to buy things.

SC215 · 21/01/2022 13:24

And it really sounds like you need debt and budgeting advice. It's not normal to have payments to payments to debt creditors, 2k on an overdraft, a car on finance, a PC on finance, not be able to afford your own MOT or to buy your child shoes, but still be regularly spending money on clothes and food and coffees out.

You really need a plan and to start changing your spending habits.

Dreamstate · 21/01/2022 16:15

@SC215

2 hours a week of work, 2 x 52 = 104 hours. 104 ÷ 37.5 = 2.77 (weeks if you were full time @ 37.5 hours). People who work full time have already worked more hours than you will work this whole year OP, that's what's pissing people off.

You've posted threads before about being unhappy with your partner and your mum having to buy things like shoes for your DS. Your situation doesn't sound sustainable. I don't think anyone really wants to work, but they do it because they need to buy things.

Omg is this the op who had the thread about her mum buying kids shoe i saw cos of her dp

Oh now op really pisses me off! Wtaf your mum is paying for your kids shoes whilst you waste money on an airfryer and clothes for yourself u don't need...wow just wow

SC215 · 21/01/2022 18:38

Though I would say that from reading your other threads, your husband sounds awful. Your relationship sounds abusive, emotionally, financially and he tries to coercice you into sex.

Liveandlove91 · 21/01/2022 18:50

How do you look st other threads ?