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AIBU?

For not wanting to work full time?

501 replies

Wazza89 · 19/01/2022 10:38

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1072 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
93%
You are NOT being unreasonable
7%
HardbackWriter · 19/01/2022 12:43

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

But neither of them are diagnosed - is it your honest belief that the benefit system should give out money, no questions asked, to anyone who says they think they might have a disability?

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BashStreetKid · 19/01/2022 12:44

I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased

Surely that's a plus, if it means your debts get paid off more quickly?

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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:45

@HardbackWriter

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

But neither of them are diagnosed - is it your honest belief that the benefit system should give out money, no questions asked, to anyone who says they think they might have a disability?

It’s precisely what it does ??

For my dc BEFORE diagnosis he was awarded hrc and hrm based on needs not diagnosis
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theleafandnotthetree · 19/01/2022 12:46

@DefinitelySureThatImNotsure. I'm not a UK taxpayer myself but I'm sure a lot on here would say that they ARE supporting her by paying tax to enable her to live a pretty profligate lifestyle. Like millions of others, she will simply have to cut her cloth according to her measure or work more to enable her to have the lifestyle she wants. And that is regardless of the context, most people have issues and challenges in their life - including in some cases mental health or disability diagnoses - but still have to work for financial reasons but also as a matter of pride and dignity. This current set up isn't even making the OP happy, even if that were the only criteria, which it isn't.

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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:46

@HardbackWriter

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

But neither of them are diagnosed - is it your honest belief that the benefit system should give out money, no questions asked, to anyone who says they think they might have a disability?

I did say as well that OP should pursue a diagnosis but OP should know that lack of diagnosis doesn’t prevent you applying for and being awarded dla or pip
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GougeAway · 19/01/2022 12:46

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

Plenty of people do deal with this and work as well. I'm in a similar situation but with an NT child as well. I stayed in work because it's better for my MH, and to give my kids a decent life. Yes, sometimes parents of SN kids do drop out of the workforce because the challenges are too great but the OP doesn't appear to be at that stage. Having a neurodiversity yourself and/or child with ND, even when in receipt of DLA, doesn't automatically mean you are not able to work.

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Gonnagetgoing · 19/01/2022 12:47

@sqirrelfriends

Could you work evenings? The pubs and restaurants where I live are crying out for staff.

The only way to have more money is to earn more money, I can't imagine most people could get by on 2 hours work a week.

@sqirrelfriends - agreed - so many of the local pubs, restaurants etc are crying out for staff partly due to Brexit.

One of my friends who has young DC but wanted a part time job actually works the lunch shift and just after and a couple of evenings a week in a very busy gastro pub locally. She can walk there (tricky to park in the area), doesn't work weekends unless they're really busy and has lost weight walking there. They also let her take extra portions of uneaten food home with her so she's happy. With her hours it means she can do pick up from her DC's school too.
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rookiemere · 19/01/2022 12:49

Another thing to do OP is go through all your bills and providers as you could potentially shave off some spending that way.

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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:49

An adhd parent caring for an asd child if these are the correct diagnoses for both is HARD

OP is doing 2 hours a week that may feel like a huge achievement to OP- saying ‘increase to 4 hours’ coukd feel impossible to OP and if actioned could well push a family over the edge. Even an increase to 2.5 hours could be too much we just don’t know

I think focusing on OP increasing work hours isn’t the right thing here - a focus on reducing unnecessary spending is more appropriate and help with budgeting etc

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Lipsandlashes · 19/01/2022 12:49

@Zonder

People are always looking for a cleaner for a couple of hours round here. Put an ad out on local Facebook. Look for a pub job even just two evenings a week. Most of us have to work for a living.

I'd bite the OP's hand off for her to clean a couple of hours a week. Cleaners are notoriously difficult to find and retain. Working couples/families now look at having a cleaner as a necessity rather than a luxury.
I'm sure if you set yourself up as a self-employed cleaner you would do really well.
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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:51

@GougeAway

OP potentially has adhd Amd her child asd??? Do you have any idea how hard that is to deal with day to day
What a disgusting comment

Plenty of people do deal with this and work as well. I'm in a similar situation but with an NT child as well. I stayed in work because it's better for my MH, and to give my kids a decent life. Yes, sometimes parents of SN kids do drop out of the workforce because the challenges are too great but the OP doesn't appear to be at that stage. Having a neurodiversity yourself and/or child with ND, even when in receipt of DLA, doesn't automatically mean you are not able to work.

We just don’t know though As everyone with adhd and asd will have different needs and difficulties so we can’t compare one case against another even if it’s the same conditions

I think OP needs budgeting help here and help to make sure her dc is accessing any relevant benefits - dla or direct payments , carers allowance for OP etc
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suzy2b · 19/01/2022 12:52

The more you earn the less UC you will get so will not be any better off you need to sit down and sort a budget get rid of any outgoings you don't need write down all out goings stop spending money needlessly

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JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 19/01/2022 12:52

Yes you need to work more but you're clearly very against it. You both also need to make responsible financial decisions. Soft play is expensive, but how much is an annual pass? We have one locally that's £15 a year, the price of two sessions, stop buying cover when you're there take a drink with you, we also have passes for the local aquarium (£45 for the 3 of us) and small farm (£60 for the 3 of us) so throughout the year we spend very little in day to day activities and have spare funds for bigger days out like theme parks etc (also use vouchers/clubcard points for cheaper tickets there).
Your husband is being ridiculous, he needs to stop buying lunches as a start, borrowing from your in laws to pay for your MOT because you want takeaway lunch every day? I'd be mortified. You both need to stop making excuses plan your activities and spending and cut your cloth accordingly.

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DavetheCat2001 · 19/01/2022 12:52
Hmm
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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:52

@rookiemere

Another thing to do OP is go through all your bills and providers as you could potentially shave off some spending that way.

This is a good idea

OP- can you have a look at all your outgoings and see if you can get any better deals ?
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theleafandnotthetree · 19/01/2022 12:53

@DefinitelySureThatImNotsure

An adhd parent caring for an asd child if these are the correct diagnoses for both is HARD

OP is doing 2 hours a week that may feel like a huge achievement to OP- saying ‘increase to 4 hours’ coukd feel impossible to OP and if actioned could well push a family over the edge. Even an increase to 2.5 hours could be too much we just don’t know

I think focusing on OP increasing work hours isn’t the right thing here - a focus on reducing unnecessary spending is more appropriate and help with budgeting etc

Mmmm, the OP appears to have capacity to be out and about in soft play, go clothes shopping, drive, have care of a house etc, it just seems to be work that is the major thing she struggles with, and running a house alongside it. So the hard stuff then. But the reality is it's hard for everyone, life bloody is hard, you just have to get on with it, put in place good plans and strategies, seek support if necessary, etc.
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Scarlettpixie · 19/01/2022 12:54

There is a massive difference between working 2 hours and working full time. I think you need to do more hours as others have said evenings or weekends so your DH can look after the kids.

Head over to the forums on money saving expert. There is a board called debt free wannabes which has a bunch of lovely people who will help you to get a grip of your finances. It will only work if you can get you DH on board too. There is a challenges section which may have things you can join to help you keep track by setting a grocery budget, aiming for a number of no spend days etc.

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Lipsandlashes · 19/01/2022 12:54

@suzy2b

The more you earn the less UC you will get so will not be any better off you need to sit down and sort a budget get rid of any outgoings you don't need write down all out goings stop spending money needlessly

But UC isn't supposed to be there so you can 'play the system' and only work a couple of hours a week, for no good reason. In a few months the OP could find her UC cut drastically precisely for this reason.
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GougeAway · 19/01/2022 12:55

Mmmm, the OP appears to have capacity to be out and about in soft play, go clothes shopping, drive, have care of a house etc, it just seems to be work that is the major thing she struggles with, and running a house alongside it. So the hard stuff then. But the reality is it's hard for everyone, life bloody is hard, you just have to get on with it, put in place good plans and strategies, seek support if necessary, etc.

Absolutely this.

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suzy2b · 19/01/2022 12:56

I have 2 bank accounts 1 for all my DDs which when get my money I transfer the money to cover these, so what I have left is my spending also pay £50 on my credit card as bought things for christmas on it will be paid off next month I am living on a state pension

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DefinitelySureThatImNotsure · 19/01/2022 12:56

It sounds to me like with careful budgeting OP could save more in a week that way than by even doubling or quadrupling work hours . That’s where the focus should be

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Doodar · 19/01/2022 12:57

[quote Wazza89]@Whatinthelord maybe if I was sponging off him and expecting him to pay for everything, but I’m not![/quote]
But you're sponging off the government.
Get a job in the evenings or days your partner doesn't work.

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2022HereWeCome · 19/01/2022 12:58

OP, you and your DH need some help with managing money and budgeting. There will be places that can help with money advice.First step is to consolidate your debts and agree a realistic repayment plan, then working out agreed financial priorities and a budget for everything, then sticking with it, then building up savings. I suspect even if you earned more money you would just fritter it away tbh which won't help.

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Gonnagetgoing · 19/01/2022 12:58

Agreed with looking at providers (especially as bills are soon to go up) and looking at soft play costs and deals.

The vast majority of mums where I live rarely go to soft play (they said for the sake of their sanity Grin), they do things like take kids swimming, to parks, to spaces where they can ride their bikes (BMX etc), sometimes when they were younger they'd take kids to activities, two parents take their kids to their allotment and get them to help with fruit/veg there. Parents do spend sometimes on ice creams and at the local artisan/posh cafe chain but I know quite a few parents in lockdown kept ice creams/lollies bought from sainsburys in the freezer and brought them out with them plus drinks. When I was a child my DM almost always brought a cool box with various items in it, plus marmite/pate baguettes when we went out out on daytrips to amusement parks/safari parks.

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Karenetta · 19/01/2022 12:59

OP I agree that getting support and strategies for your ADHD is what you really need long term. In order to get control of your finances you need to feel that it's something you can control. At the moment from the way you write it doesn't sound like you realise that yet.

But it absolutely is. You are in charge of what you spend your money on. If you spend haphazardly you're still in charge. You're making multiple small decisions, each one of which takes money away from your household, money that your household will only ever see once.

You can carry on as you are and continue to be stressed and feel skint. Alternatively you can use that money to actually run your household in a coherent way that benefits everyone in it. That will mean changing your behaviour, but it will be so so worth it.

As well as getting support for your condition, you could look at online tools to create household budgets, put your numbers in and see what you can change. The obvious things look like the car costs and leisure spending. But when you see it all written down in a logical way you'll be able to work out if this is the case. Sit down with your DH and do it together. Be honest and realistic.

Then after you've worked with what you've got, and feel that your head is clearer, maybe you could look at changing your work hours. One step at a time OP.

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