For not wanting to work full time?

[Wazza89]

DH and I are both shockingly bad at money management.

We both work and receive UC. I work 2 hours a week cleaning and DH works full time. I get around £700 a month (UC and child benefit is paid into my bank account) and DH earns just over £1400. He pays rent (£595), BT, and TV license. I (somehow) pay water rates, food, council tax, gas & electricity - on top of personal bills.

Between the both of us, we are in so much debt! I inherited a car a few months ago and DH has a finance car on hire purchase (costs £118 a month) but he never wanted to put me on the insurance. He’s now able to return his car so I told him I would make him a registered keeper on my car and the main insurer as it would be cheaper for both of us. He agreed then changed his mind because he said he’s worked too hard for his car. He also has Adobe Photoshop on subscription, a PC on finance, and buys food at work every day. (I tried making him sandwiches but then he wanted to give up bread so I told him to sort himself out as I’m not buying gluten free bread for someone who isn’t a diagnosed celiac.) Our family had to step in and lend him cash for his MOT a few months ago. And he’s completely in his 2k overdraft.

Saying that, I’m not much better nowadays. I don’t have many friends with kids DS’s age so I take him to soft play sometimes twice a week. Obviously there’s an entry fee and I normally end up buying myself a coffee on top of that. Although I drive to my mum’s and to the supermarket, I get ridiculously anxious about driving new places (or places that are really busy) so I pay for public transport even though I have fuel in my car. I also give DH fuel money on weekends as he’s a crap passenger.

I tell myself I’m going to be more organised and bring snacks for DS when we go places, but I’m scatty and end up buying food out half the time. Our TV broke and instead of keeping a smaller screen until we were in a better financial situation, I replaced it. I also bought an air fryer with the last of my savings (which, in hindsight, I didn’t need). I dye my hair regularly and if I see an item of clothing I like, I buy it then regret it later as my wardrobe desperately needs sorting.

DH thinks I should work more hours on evenings and weekends (neither of us can afford childcare), but the thought really stresses me out (and I know that sounds pathetic). The last time I worked weekends (16 hours a week), I wasn’t significantly better off as all my debt repayments increased and I was STILL doing everything around the house. A messy house really stresses me out as I have OCD (and potentially ADHD which is why I find organisation difficult). I don’t want to work full time until DS is in reception. Also, DS is displaying ASD traits and is socially a bit delayed. I want to give him my full attention.

AIBU for not wanting to return to work?

Yes work more hours. It seems a big financial burden for your other half to be working full-time and you only working 2 hours a week. Presumably DS's school hours will increase in year 1, no? Is there any reason why you can't plan to increase your hours from Sept. (I say this as the Mum of an autistic kid myself, so I appreciate the challenges.)

You need to work more also ltb you've got so many threads on how unhappy you are

Fuck me, you might not be sponging off him, but you’re sponging off someone.

The luxury of working 2 hours a week cos someone else is paying your bills.

@dressedstressed

Grow up!

I feel like, given OP's other threads, AIBU might not be the most constructive place to get advice.

OP - I suggest the Relationships board for the issues with your H. You could also check out this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters/4419064-Earn-10-a-day-December-2021 for inspiration on earning extra cash.

You both have a lifestyle way beyond your means.

I'd suggest bankruptcy to clear the debts and start fresh over.

I agree

There are lots of companies where you can put all of your debts together and they’ll freeze the interest so you can get back on track.

Nobody wants to work. Some people have the option to be a Sahp. You have that option if you stop spending.

My ex left me. Few years ago. My mental health was on the floor I wasn't really functioning over anything that had to be done for a long time. I still went to work. And both my kids have additional needs I made it work.

You are clearly very capable. You need to get yourself organised. I have lists.

Money. What comes in. Bills to go out some savings and £50 a week in my purse. If I want anything. Haircut. Day out or a coffee it comes out of my purse.

Diary each day what needs to be done and who needs to be where. Both my kids do clubs x 3. So we are somewhere every evening. If it's not on the planner it doesn't happen

Housework. I was trying to live in a show home and cleaning it all every day. It now gets done once a week. Saturday morning I do a big clean through. Every evening kitchen gets wiped down and a load of washing done if there is enough for a full load.

Your SO also needs to be on board or else you are going to fail at the first hurdle.

@dressedstressed

You are a SAHM of one school age child - I assume there are no disabilities, caring duties or additional needs anywhere since you don't mention any - and you really struggle to do everything you need?

Yeah. I don't really understand how working full-time and managing a house works... You only have a few hours in the evening to so everything, one day at the weekend I'd you're lucky and you'd be exhausted then. Life stresses me out as it is.

What stresses you so much?

Grow up!

I wish I knew how to do that without feeling like death would be a nicer option tbh.

you do what you think best op.
couple more cleaning shifts equals a bit more money

@dressedstressed Well, yeah it's exhausting. You just have to do what you can in the evenings and weekends, and lower your standards. For example, my windows have needed a good clean for a while and the garden needs tidied up.

I think people are being overly harsh to the OP. I don't think you're a bum, OP. You're looking after your child, why is that lazy and "sponging" when it's your own child, but it's work when it's a childminder/nursery doing it. Such nasty attitudes towards SAHMs. And I say that as a mum working full time.
Your problem is the over spending, and your unhelpful and ridiculous DH (I think I remember your last thread).
I can sort of relate, not on the DH, but the being disorganised and overspending. I used to really struggle with those things too and easy for people to say just change, but very difficult to actually make a change. It's not impossible though.
What helped me was to sit down and go through all our spending. Add up everything you've spent in a month. Then compare that to your income and work out where you can cut costs. Then make a plan - add up your essential costs and your "nice to haves". Make a separate account for the essential costs and make sure there's always enough money in there to cover them. Then whatever is left is for fun stuff.
Write to do lists and tackle at least 2 things each day. All appointments/events etc go in the phone calendar asap. Do specific chores on specific days, eg hoovering on a Sunday, change beds on a Monday etc.
When you're tempted by an impulse buy, find the thing online and put it in the virtual basket, and tell yourself you'll come back to it in 3 days. If you still want it then, make a plan for how you're going to afford it and what you can cut out in order to save.

What stresses you so much?

Life seems noisy. There is always something that needs doing, a constant stream of things and every day comes way too quickly. It's never quiet, my brain is never quiet.

I think people are being overly harsh to the OP. I don't think you're a bum, OP. You're looking after your child, why is that lazy and "sponging" when it's your own child, but it's work when it's a childminder/nursery doing it

Because it’s not her own money, that’s why! I am a SAHM and I can absolutely see why people who want to stay at home and can’t afford to would be extremely pissed off with people like OP who are staying at home, working only 2 hours despite the 15 hours she has child free, and living off the state. Maybe everyone should just do the same?!

@Wazza89

In response to everyone… Of course I don’t want to stay on the dole forever. I’ve worked all my adult life. I’ve nearly completed an OU degree in Psychology and Criminology. I have a qualification in teaching English as a Foreign Language, and I’m also a qualified hair technician. I’ve worked over 50 hours a week to get myself out of debt and save.

I’m no “bum” but I don’t see why it’s solely MY responsibility to pay for childcare because I would still have to pay the upfront fees and have 15% deducted from my wages each month. I told DH he either helps me pay for childcare (50/50) or I carry on claiming UC. I’m also paying more than my fair share of bills. Unless I receive help from my partner regarding childcare costs, I’m not working anymore than 16 hours.

And yes the tv, air fryer, etc is stupid and entitled of me. I won’t argue there.

You may have worked yourself out of debt once, but now you arnt and are back in debt, so you need to work more.

YOU arnt contributing more than your fair share of bills, the government is, that money is for your household and child. You Havnt earnt it. Yes your DH needs to pay towards childcare, and help around the house, and generally grow up. But you need to make the effort too, upping your hours to 16 would be ideal for your situation as a starting point. It’d be nice to have the luxury of being a SAHM to give your child your full attention, but at the moment you are in debt and spiralling so it’s just not a sensible option is it.

I think though the OP may well be trapped in a relationship as well that is not conducive to her being able to work either.

Your in debt because your spending money on stuff you don't need!! Why buy clothes if you don't need them, then ana airfryer on top.

Makes me sick im working full time, paying my taxes of which some goes into the universal credit pot that supposedly meant to help people in need and then you get people like you who come out and abuse this.

Literally f* off. Get off your lazy arse and work more hours to pay off your debt.

Yes you are being unreasonable as if you want more money then you have to earn it. How old is your child? When does he get free nursery funding? Was 2hrs a week a typo? You’re not living within your means and if repayments on debts increase surely that’s a good thing as means you pay them back sooner. You both need to cut back, I don’t waste money on lunches as it’s so easy to make yourself a sandwich the evening before and shop bought ones are horrible anyway

@dressedstressed

You are a SAHM of one school age child - I assume there are no disabilities, caring duties or additional needs anywhere since you don't mention any - and you really struggle to do everything you need?

Yeah. I don't really understand how working full-time and managing a house works... You only have a few hours in the evening to so everything, one day at the weekend I'd you're lucky and you'd be exhausted then. Life stresses me out as it is.

You do it because you have to! You multitask, you organise, you have schedules.

I left work at 5 tonight, DH at 4. So far this evening DH has cooked dinner whilst I've sorted some washing, we've eaten, DH has hoovered whilst I loaded the dishwasher. We've played a couple of card games with DC. Currently DC are in the bath, so I've cleaned the bathroom and DH is doing DIY. Once I've finished bedtime we'll finish the kitchen and downstairs chores, I'll prepare all the school/work/nursery clothes and bags and DH will make our lunches. Then we'll sit down watch a single TV programme and then head to bed. I'll get up at 6am for 'me time' which is actually exercise and then I'll drop both children off at 8 and 8:15 to go and work for a flailing NHS. I have a short commute and work 37.5hrs a week, so I've got it good compared to lots of people. 1 DC at home and no work sounds like an awful lot of free time!

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 It sounds like she's overwhelmed though. It's not about what other people want or are pissed off by. She's clearly struggling and has a DH who doesn't do his share of the housework when she has upped her hours in the past.

@NotBloodyMrTumbleAgain

But her DH works full
Time. Even if she ups to 16 hours a week she is still going to be home with her DC when they are home so still effectively a SAHM but will also be able to do the house work as she’s working part time vs the husband’a 40 hours a week.

There’s no bloody excuse for doing 2 hours a week.

Even 16 hours a week is barely working. I understand not wanting to work more if your DH won't agree to pay for childcare (though he certainly ought to share the cost). But I would still increase your hours to full time. Since you have a qualification in teaching English as a foreign language, you could look into teaching online. You could do early mornings or evenings and/or weekends if childcare costs continue to be a bone of contention.

Although the system is very much rigged against working parents, I believe that many women do themselves no favours by making the decision to quit working to be SAHMs. Financial independence for individuals and economic power as a group will help women gain a more equal position in society. Although being a SAHM may make sense for some women given the current structures, I do think that having more women in the workforce would benefit everyone in the long run.

Hi OP,

There are a few things that stand out to me, you and your DH need to get on the same page and find a way of being organised with your finances and household chores. I would look a money saving expert forum on the debt free wannabe board. They recommend doing a statement of affairs which is best done on Excel and lists all your income, outgoings, debts and assets. There is a template on that website and it will really help you and your DH to see exactly where you are.

Also please go to your doctors and get diagnosed and help with your conditions. You want your dc to have the best life and that means you are as healthy as possible and if you need help to do that, then please get it.

You also seem to have a bit of a flippant attitude to spending and maybe look at joining one of the No Spend challenges on Facebook or on Money Saving Expert.

If you are trained to teach English as a foreign langue then I would really be investigating doing that online. I have seen people talking about doing this and potentially it might work around childcare or doing it from home of an evening whilst DH is about.

@dressedstressed

What stresses you so much?

Life seems noisy. There is always something that needs doing, a constant stream of things and every day comes way too quickly. It's never quiet, my brain is never quiet.

You may find that having more to occupy it stops it dwelling on things that clearly aren't good for it. Or forces it to focus more so the noise is blocked out.

@FruitToast

That doesn't sound like an enjoyable life, it sounds miserable. Life shouldn't be like this, but it is . I know I'm pathetic, don't need anyone telling me so.

@dressedstressed

YANBU.

I don't work at all and have one child who is 6 and I really struggle to do everything that is needed. I can't relax in a messy house and constantly have a checklist of things that need doing. How parents with multiple children who both work full-time cope is beyond me! Life is just too much stress as it is.

You sound like my sister.

One school-age child, messy house, and simply tooooo buuuuusy to do anything other than sit on the couch.

Expect she’s living with a guy who won’t commit to her so she’s in a very precarious position playing lousy housewife to a man she’s not married to and living in his house.

Hopefully, you haven’t been so silly.