To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

I think separate and joint finances can both work but this set up doesn’t work for you as you feel resentful. My dh and I have never had a joint account, didn’t really feel the need. Over the years circumstances have changed where he earned more, then me but we’ve just taken various direct debits each and bought stuff as and when needed. Although we have separate accounts the key point is we see ourselves as a unit and the monies belong to us both. There is no resentment.

If your relationship is otherwise good and this is a financial situation, I think you need a new set up.

Sit down together and list all bills and outgoings for each month including grocery budget and a small buffer for unexpected things. If you get child benefit for your 1 year old that should be enough to cover if they need a new coat or shoes or whatever. Divide it by 2.

Open a joint current account and each of you pay 50% of the family outgoings into it on pay day. All direct debits, bills and grocery money comes out of the joint account. Anything that is left in your individual accounts is yours to do what you want with.

When it comes to savings, you need to agree on an amount and set up a direct debit that is the same as each others. Keep your own savings account for you, and start a fresh with the joint one.

He sounds like a petulant child tbh.

He pays for literally three things plus half the nursery fees? You can estimate that really easily

List all the things you have paid for in the last month. Obviously will be a lot more. Spell it out to him how much more.

If he still “can’t be arsed” to switch his direct debits to a joint account so that everything is fairer then I’d be leaving him tbh.

As for not being able to use his bank card because he’s lost the pin. Lazy idiot.

You do need to have a proper discussion with him though rather than just pocketing the savings.

^don't know how people exist like this!*
In this house, his money AND my money is our money. One pot. No arguments^

This is fine if you're both on the same page with spending and sensible with money.

Not so much if either of you see an account with money in and thinks 'what can I buy' because then you've got one person buying nice things for themselves, while the other is struggling to buy underwear and watching the mortgage payment bounce.

What does he spend his spare money on?

He doesn’t sound like a keeper, I’d be chucking him back in.

@Matbest

If your relationship is otherwise good and this is a financial situation, I think you need a new set up.

Sit down together and list all bills and outgoings for each month including grocery budget and a small buffer for unexpected things. If you get child benefit for your 1 year old that should be enough to cover if they need a new coat or shoes or whatever. Divide it by 2.

Open a joint current account and each of you pay 50% of the family outgoings into it on pay day. All direct debits, bills and grocery money comes out of the joint account. Anything that is left in your individual accounts is yours to do what you want with.

When it comes to savings, you need to agree on an amount and set up a direct debit that is the same as each others. Keep your own savings account for you, and start a fresh with the joint one.

How csn any relationship be good when you are being so disrespected? Op you wouldn't keep overinvesting in anything else that kept letting you down. Why do the same with him?

@knittingaddict doesn't matter if not married either if the house is in joint names. If it's just in his name and they're not married it's a problem whoever pays it!

@thedarkling

How does he actually spend any money if he doesn't have a bank card?

OP says he's "forgotten the PIN", so he is probably using it for online shopping and has his details saved.

If you have a joint account why aren’t both your incomes going into it and all bills being payed out of it?
OP has explained this: her DH literally won’t do it. She can’t force him to tell his work the joint account details and get his income paid into it. She could update the mortgage direct debit and other household bills to the joint account, but that would only screw her over if he literally won’t budge and send one (1) email to HR updating where his income should land.

I think it’s really telling that you have to nag him and remind him every month for his half of the nursery fees; he should have a standing order to you for his half. He is hoarding money.

Not actually against separate finances over here: it works for us! I came into the relationship with a lot more assets than DP, so we’re not married and have a deed of trust on the house to protect my deposit. We pay proportionally based on income split. And I’m much tighter than he is. But the key is trust and generosity and honesty: the idea of DP begrudging our child a birthday present and telling me to take it from savings! We both know exactly what the other has and where we as a family stand financially. It sounds like OP has no idea what her DH has.

I’m glad you retrieved your savings, OP. I’d be stashing them into a S&S ISA to grow and create a LTB fund for the future should you eventually need it. Maybe not yet, maybe not if DH sorts this out, but potentially.

It’s so weird how women don’t get more angry.

You need to get this sorted a.s.a.p. as energy bills will shoot up very shortly.

The savings are already yours, you're not draining the joint savings.

Do a projected budget (include the anticipated rise in gas/electricity prices). Insist that each of you pays an identical monthly amount in to the joint account (hopefully it's still open even if unused).

How is he spending on himself if he has no PIN number for his card. Is it all online purchases and contactless ? How does he get cash ?

If he's paying the mortgage, are you sure your name is on the mortgage/deeds ?

Starting point is a household expenditure budget including everything, mortgage, childcare, pension payments, life insurance, utilities, TV licence/broadband/landline/sky/virgin/netflix etc, shopping, pet costs (if applicable). It might be a smart move to draw it up yourself and then ask him to "Look it over to see if I've missed anything" but don't let him minimise/reduce any of the projected costs. Prices are are the way up inflation wise so add 3% to everything in anticipation of that.

When it's there in black and white, insist on a sit down discussion over a glass of wine/nice meal and do not be diverted from reaching a conclusion that £X amount is needing to be put in to the joint account each month to cover joint expenses.

Right now he's financially abusing you and it won't get any better unless you nip it in the bud.

DH-our funding of our lives is unfair. We earn the same but I pay … more than you. I have no money left for anything extras each month-unlike you, who has … left. We either sort things properly with the joint account with both putting equal amounts in to pay for everything and you step up with this or we will have bigger problems and you will have more to sort out when you are looking for somewhere else to live

I think a lot of people aren’t reading properly

Each pays roughly the same (yes op a bit more but we don’t know how much)

One of the ops costs in this calc is the joint savings, so it’s par of her “the same” costs

She thinks of it as her savings when in fact, it is joint. It’s been part of her responsibility to pay (an overall equal amount) and so using it to pay for things is right.

Fwiw I do agree that one paying fixed bills and the other variable isn’t really fair, I’d go down the joint “bills account “ route tbh, but those posters calling him tight, a cocklodger etc are either not understanding the money, or don’t care

@BarbaraofSeville

^don't know how people exist like this!* In this house, his money AND my money is our money. One pot. No arguments^

This is fine if you're both on the same page with spending and sensible with money.

Not so much if either of you see an account with money in and thinks 'what can I buy' because then you've got one person buying nice things for themselves, while the other is struggling to buy underwear and watching the mortgage payment bounce.

I do agree with this

Joint everything isn’t the way for me. The saver saves, the spender spends then relies on the savings for emergencies. Not fair

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
It's the same as cats and dogs, if they had access to their own bank accounts, cats would just buy catnip and rubber mice to play with, whilst dogs would buy chocolate and make themselves sick, and a big bag of tennis balls.

This is why banks do not allow cats or dogs to open bank accounts.

From your post it looks like you are paying a lot more out . Sit down and work it all out and I bet your be sadly surprised at how unequal your finances are. Sounds like you need to rethink your future.

@eldora

Should they divorce, the husband has an established history of paying a mortgage solely from his account. This will help him get a new mortgage approved in his name only

Being a mortgage adviser I can categorically tell you that is bullshit. Lenders go off credit files. If the OP is on the mortgage and its being paid in full monthly they won't look further. If in relation to divorce the starting stance is 50/50 now and if OP is not on the property and mortgage she can get a matrimonial home rights added legally to land registry.

If I have understood correctly you earn around the same so the joint account should be about 50-50 with some extra to cover unforeseen items.

Work out what you need for food and bills and then add eg an extra £100 a month on each. So if you need £2000 a month you each pay in £1000.

I prefer a joint account for bills and my own account for my own spending and so does DH, we don't have a problem with separate finances as far as that goes. But joint things need to be paid for jointly and in proportion with earnings.

@BillMasen

I think a lot of people aren’t reading properly

Each pays roughly the same (yes op a bit more but we don’t know how much)

One of the ops costs in this calc is the joint savings, so it’s par of her “the same” costs

She thinks of it as her savings when in fact, it is joint. It’s been part of her responsibility to pay (an overall equal amount) and so using it to pay for things is right.

Fwiw I do agree that one paying fixed bills and the other variable isn’t really fair, I’d go down the joint “bills account “ route tbh, but those posters calling him tight, a cocklodger etc are either not understanding the money, or don’t care

I don’t know how this could possibly be true that their monetary contribution is roughly equal if he pays only £450 mortgage plus one or two other small bills.

We earn the same.

They aren't split 100% evenly but it works out that I pay slightly more than him. He pays the mortgage and a couple of small bills from his, I pay the rest of the bills and ALL of the shopping and ALL of our sons costs like clothes etc .. and put money in the savings.

£450 plus, generously, £100 extra.
If the whole household costs, including clothes for growing baby etc are £1,000, that’s fine.

But I bet it’s not.

Change the way you manage your joint household expenses.

Have a joint account from which ALL household and family expenses are paid. From mortgage to meals out. Pay in an equal amount, to easily cover your monthly costs, plus a good contingency. Have a household savings account for annual costs (e.g boiler service) and emergencies (new boiler).

Set up a standing order from each of your accounts to transfer money to the joint household account the day after payday.

Set up a joint savings account with an agreed amount to be saved each month and sound by standing order either from the household accounts or your sole accounts.

Money leftover; yours to spend / save as you each wish.

Sort out a better money management system like this, rather than seethe and take to passive aggressive war fare. Your current system supports his general obliviousness and your martyrdom.

@NoSquirrels op says it’s about even. She pays slightly more

She’s given no figures but says that, and her share includes the savings payment. Hence it’s joint.

You’re betting it’s different based on what? Op has said it’s the same so why disregard that?

@JointAccountBye

He can't even use his bank card (forgot the pin years ago). But he never needs to because I pay for everything (other than his direct debits).

I’m confused, if he can’t withdraw money/use his pin, does he have quite a bit saved in his account or does he literally earn enough to cover his direct debits?

The joint account isn't joint, its yours. Bar £30,
You are perfectly entitled to keep it, in the same way he keeps the remainder after his direct debits.
So in future when you need something extra you will both have to share the cost
I had this happen to me, I used my birthday money from my parents to keep the housekeeping afloat, while he squirreled away his savings.
He is happy to build up his nest egg, while you spend all your money on the family. Time for you to have your own savings. You may need them

You've had previous threads about this haven't you? Is this the bloke with the older child who you were posting about earlier?

You know it's not a fair split but you've got bigger issues than just the money. The advice is the same no matter how often you post about the situation,