Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
Contactmap · 19/01/2022 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

IJoinedJustForThisThread · 19/01/2022 01:56

Have a look at these budget planners (one you print out and write on and the other is a spreadsheet - use which method you prefer) to help you accurately record all your expenditure. It should help you remember all the little one-off expenses (that soon add up) not just the obvious expenses like electricity, food etc. then you can show him just how much you are spending on joint household expenses.

Just curious - do his toiletries get bought as part of the supermarket shop that you pay for? My ExP used to chuck his shampoo, shower gel, deodorant, razors etc in the trolley until I realised that the joint a/c was paying for his toiletries yet I paid for my shampoo etc out of my own money.

NumberTheory · 19/01/2022 02:48

I would probably work out what I had spent for the last few months and come up with an well documented average spend so you can state with confidence how much he is swindling you out of (and probably wouldn't use that word, but I might). Then tell him he needs to create a direct debit for double that amount to you each month (to pay you back for the imbalance to date) since he isn't prepared to have a joint account and that you are also charging him a weekend of childcare a month for the mental load he is putting on you.

An alternative is to work out how much his direct debits are. Then, at the beginning of the month hand him that much in cash and he can be responsible for absolutely everything for the month. Tell him you just can't be bothered paying for everything any more as it's "just too much work" so now it's up to him.

The taking everything out of savings is a start, but it isn't likely to right the balance. You've tried, but he isn't prepared to discuss this with you or meet you halfway so you're going to have to play hard ball if you want this to change (and you should want it to change).

k1233 · 19/01/2022 02:48

I'd be non negotiable on him transferring a set amount to the joint account monthly. If it's too hard for him, get him to open his bank app and do it for him.

Work out all costs, including mortgage and what he pays for now. You pay an amount to match his direct debit to the joint account. Divide the rest by two and that's what you both put in to the joint account.

Only shop etc using that account and when there's no funds, don't proffer your own if he won't step up.

TheGrinchsDog · 19/01/2022 05:49

@JointAccountBye

He's using you.

You are paying significantly more because all the daily little things add up and you are paying for them.

The things you pay for out of the savings/joint account is your money so you are paying for all those things too.

He just doesn't contribute at all passed the obvious big bills like the mortgage does he? So I expect if it ever comes up he says "but I pay the mortgage and that other big necessary bill" I can't remember what the other utility he pays for is.

He doesn't even budget for his child's birthday.

Take legal financial advice for future you in the event that you separate - look into ringfencing your money and check that you would still have a claim on the house if he is the one paying the bill to the bank.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/01/2022 05:50

So I’ve learnt from this thread that it’s not 50-50 if one person pays the mortgage and the other pays everything else as the person who pays everything else seems to be responsible for all the shopping and bits that take effort. Massive red flag if anyone suggests this arrangement.

Goldbar · 19/01/2022 06:27

Stop buying food and other stuff for him. Say 'sorry, I've run out of money'. Just buy food for yourself and baby.

Does he pull his weight around the house and with your LO? If not, send him a bill for cleaning/childcare.

Tilltheend99 · 19/01/2022 06:31

If you have a joint account why aren’t both your incomes going into it and all bills being payed out of it?

Surly that would solve the whole thing if as you say you have similar earnings.

Also, if was a man emptying the accounts and complaining about your shared finances when it comes to buying milk etc I don’t think the replies would be the same.

headintheproverbial · 19/01/2022 06:41

Why on earth are you letting this continue like this. Surely in your situation you'd be better having a joint current account and both paying and equal amount in and then all spending and DDs come out of it? If you are earning the same you should be contributing the same!!

The other major flag is whether he is a selfish, inconsiderate, greedy asshole.

Billybagpuss · 19/01/2022 06:45

He needs to be presented with cold hard facts. Spend an hour or so going through your bank account tonight and do a spreadsheet of everything that gets paid to keep the family running. Then show him who pays what.

At the moment you’re dismissing it as ‘I pay slightly more’ but I think you’d get a shock if you worked out the actual figure and until you know this you can’t present a proper argument.

How much fun money do you get a month?

BarbaraofSeville · 19/01/2022 06:55

@Itsmemaggie

How does he spend his money if he doesn’t have a bank card?
That's what I was wondering.

He must have hundreds of pounds a month left after the few bills he pays yet he claims to have no money, because it sounds like he spends the rest of his salary on stuff for himself with a bank card he doesn't have.

Or is he paying with another card like a credit card?

I don't know the answer OP. It would be easily solvable with minimal input from him, but you can lead a horse to water and all that....

All you need is a joint account that you both contribute enough to to cover all joint costs, with an attached joint savings account that is funded from the joint account, and your own spends can be in personal accounts. Can you get him to agree to that and the necessary cooperation to set it up?

He could then just spend his remaining money on his own crap and at least you'd have access to joint money for all house and DC stuff.

Bluepolkadots42 · 19/01/2022 06:56

Can you work out all the household monthly outgoings then set up a joint account you both pay 50% of the outgoings total into and move all direct debits etc over to that? A standing order to a savings account could also come from this joint account. This way you both share equally all bills and costs and equally contribute to savings. DH and I have this set up because I wouldn’t be able to tolerate either of us not contributing equally

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/01/2022 06:57

I know two couples who had this arrangement with one paying mortgage etc and one paying other bills and it didn’t work out for either of them long term, they had the exact same issues as you.

He needs to contribute half to all bills incl childcare. It’s only fair.

Bunnycat101 · 19/01/2022 07:00

I couldn’t live like this. As a household we jointly budget and everything is pooled. Even before we were married when we we young with separate accounts we still had joint savings goals. He’s not a 20yo living in a house share, he has responsibilities towards your child and he can’t be so much of a man child he can’t work a credit card or transfer a couple of direct debits. It’s pathetic.

eldora · 19/01/2022 07:20

OP, here is what we do:

  • £1,000 automatically transfers from my account and £1,000 from DH’s account on the 27th of each month to a joint account
  • mortgage, council tax, all bills, food shopping is taken from that account joint account each month
  • the account has also built up some extra (£2,000 +) so it also pays for any emergencies

DH pays for his own car insurance, road tax etc

I pay for my own car insurance road tax etc

I have my own savings, DH has his own savings

If we want to make a big purchase (holiday etc), we each pay half.

I think a similar model would work for our whilst you are both earning the same.

What happened when you were on maternity leave? I’m guessing he still expected you to pay the bills?

thedarkling · 19/01/2022 07:27

How does he actually spend any money if he doesn't have a bank card?

thedarkling · 19/01/2022 07:28

If it's a joint mortgage (and so the house is in joint names) it really doesn't matter which account the money's coming from.

ohthejoys · 19/01/2022 07:29

Definitely sounds like you need a new financial plan as a couple. Joint account for all household bills is a must. Then a savings account you both contribute to for bigger items that take time to fund, like new sofas or holidays. Then an account for your child’s needs, to cover all his clothes, toys, gifts etc, with whatever’s left building up as a small ‘savings’ towards higher costs as he grows, like school uniforms and first bikes etc. Whatever is left after that is your own! That way you both know where you stand and contribute equally and your child is protected too.

eldora · 19/01/2022 07:31

@thedarkling

If it's a joint mortgage (and so the house is in joint names) it really doesn't matter which account the money's coming from.
It can matter actually.

Should they divorce, the husband has an established history of paying a mortgage solely from his account. This will help him get a new mortgage approved in his name only.

OP has no history of paying the mortgage from her own account.

OP, I would strongly urge you to get a joint account set up, have his transfer money there every ninth, and you pay the mortgage from your own account.

JustDanceAddict · 19/01/2022 07:32

Yuck all round.
I don’t get this separate account thing if you’re married - are you? I feel it’s a real control thing when the husband gives the wife ‘an allowance’ - are we in the 1950s or 2020s?
If you’re not married then I would sit down with your dh and work out an even 50/50 split if you both earn the same (and I bet you do most of the childcare & housework too). If he’s resistant to this I’d be thinking wtf.

Good luck.

eldora · 19/01/2022 07:33

He can't even use his bank card (forgot the pin years ago). But he never needs to because I pay for everything (other than his direct debits).

OP, you just know this I isn’t out of laziness but a deliberate ploy to make you pay for everything?

Presumably he goes to the bank to withdraw cash? It would take 2 minutes to order a new PIN.

middleeasternpromise · 19/01/2022 07:33

But you haven't drained the joint savings account because it was never joint. You've just stopped showing him one aspect of where your money goes. It is a good signal that you do not want to work with the current arrangement. The next step depends on how much you are prepared to allow the real picture to emerge if you decide to balance the contributions. One option is to match your husbands contributions - what ever they are, and put the rest of your income elsewhere. When its spent its spent. Then you both have to top up.

Having been in this situation, I suspect your small act of resistance will not bring about a resolution as fundamentally you are dealing with someone who has not signed up to the family responsibility. He is keeping his life simple and passing on the family work to you. Is this apparent in other non monetary aspects of the relationship? eg the child care, the house work, the property maintenance; the management of social and family engagements??

knittingaddict · 19/01/2022 07:37

@helenabonhamfarter

I'm worried by the comment that he pays the mortgage. I hope that doesn't put you in a precarious position in the future.
Shouldn't make the slightest bit of difference if the op is married, which I assume she is because she used "dh". It's a marital asset and who pays wouldn't matter.
1AngelicFruitCake · 19/01/2022 07:37

@k1233

I'd be non negotiable on him transferring a set amount to the joint account monthly. If it's too hard for him, get him to open his bank app and do it for him.

Work out all costs, including mortgage and what he pays for now. You pay an amount to match his direct debit to the joint account. Divide the rest by two and that's what you both put in to the joint account.

Only shop etc using that account and when there's no funds, don't proffer your own if he won't step up.

This is what I think you should do.

We do this so once the joint account is empty we start splitting the excess spending e.g. meals out, stuff for the house.
I also used to get really annoyed that I was the only one saving so now we both have a standing order to our savings account each month.

JustDanceAddict · 19/01/2022 07:39

@StoneofDestiny

I don't know how people exist like this! In this house, his money AND my money is our money. One pot. No arguments

Likewise

Same - we have separate savings but don’t really use them. Dh is a bit more ‘with it’ as far as financial planning is concerned but we both know exactly what we have. Whatever our job/financial situation we pay in/out of it together.
Swipe left for the next trending thread